Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

It's good weather this weekend, get over to Seaham with the kids, hunt for sea glass on the beach, Downeys fish and chips are the best ever.
Blow out the cobwebs because spring is coming, the birds are nesting and lambs will be appearing soon. It's a whole new year coming, make it yours x

I felt quite heartened by your last post @MoreLegsThanMe.

There will definitely be some ‘pity party’ moments ahead, but find the anger, and use it to propel yourself forward. As others say, he’ll be back to find youve got your shit together.

Yes, get organising something for tomorrow (and today too if you can).

Have you managed to ‘offload’ onto many friends?

Thank you.

DD3 and I went for a walk this afternoon and it was nice to get outside. As soon as my garden waste bin arrives I’ll be able to start emptying planters and stuff. The patio bit needs pressure washing too.

I always seem to think about them more at weekends. I think it’s because she doesn’t work on weekends so their time is totally their own and they can do anything they like. I don’t know if she sees her children at weekends, but I’d imagine she’d want to. But who knows. I’m not likely to ever find out am I.

I’m so angry with him. I’m furious. For six whole months he pretended to live alone. I felt guilty that he was alone after his surgery, really guilty. He could’ve told me any time. Even when he was asked directly is there someone else he denied any such thing.

Like I wasn’t even worth the truth.

Anger's good. You've every right to feel furious. He put himself and his selfish, furtive wants first all along and gave no thought to you and your DC.

It's a shocking way to behave and he'll reap what he sows. He's lost you and irreparably damaged his relationship with his children. They'll never be able to trust him again. And one day he'll know it's been for nothing.

You were worth the truth and a whole lot more. He wasn't worthy of you.

On a lighter note it's lovely news that you and DD3 had a good walk and that you're making plans for the garden. Hopefully the weather will be mild enough now that you'll be able to get out most days. I always think there's nothing like pottering about the garden for cheering one up and giving one's troubles some perspective .

Take care and sleep tight.

He's a selfish git. He lied as he cared more about himself and his recovery than anyone else.

Anger is normal. Be kind to yourself 🌸

Thank you.

Seven weeks today and I’m still counting this in weeks. Does that ever stop?

Can’t help imagining what they are doing.

I can’t believe what he’s become. And she’s no better, arranging to see her kids away from their flat so they don’t annoy him.

But they have each other. They don’t go to bed alone night after night. Is it wrong to hope that this is, for them, the calm before the storm? Wrong to hope it ends and he’s got nowhere to go?

Sounds terrible and looks terrible typed her, but I hope it does end. Then maybe they will feel the smallest iota of the hurt and upset that I put up with day in, day out.

Sorry for the rant tonight.

Hello MoreLegs. Don't be hard on yourself. It's seven weeks, yes, and you've come a long, long way in those seven weeks, but it's still not very much time to recover from the betrayal of a marriage that's lasted well over 30 years and produced five children.

You will stop counting at some point and you will be able to stop thinking of them. And I am quite sure that whatever you are imagining is far better than their reality.

They have each other, but with them both being shifty, selfish and untrustworthy that really isn't very much - like building a house on quicksand.

If I were you I would absolutely be hoping karma bites them and soon. Hell, I'm not you and I hope it does, so don't feel guilty. And if it helps rant as much as you please. This is your thread for your support.

It will get better, lovely. I know I keep saying that but I truly believe it.

Night, night.

Whether it lasts or not, it isn’t the bed of roses you are imagining.

She can’t see her kids at home because they annoy him. Can you imagine not being close to your kids? They are the most important thing in your life.

He had a heart attack within weeks of moving out, yes he’s recovered and she was able to play the smug loving partner for a while but it will have slowed him down, it will have knocked his confidence and take it from me if you are not a natural nurse, It’s not fun. She sounds like if life isn’t giving her roses 24/7 she will just be a bitch.

He has a dick that doesn’t work, and even after the procedures it still won’t be as perfect as it would have been.

His kids want nothing to do with him, his df wants nothing to do with him. All he’s got is the bitch and his job.

Last week your posts showed massive improvement, this week will be better. How are you going to channel that anger?

Can you just imagine for a minute choosing to have an affair with a married man, him dumping his wife and kids , you dump your kids, he has heart attack and ED you both pretending it's loves young dream , no you can't it sounds seedy snd awful
You have had his best years, laugh about that.
You sound so nice Legs, I think if you can dare to hope that there is a kind man out there for the next phase in your life. Not just now but you build yourself up and let yourself wonder about lovely things you can do for yourself (with your amazing children in your life) even if it feels like a daydream about someone else

Hi, Legs, hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning.
It’s only natural when someone has hurt you this badly to want them to taste even a little of the awful pain they’re putting you through.
For what it’s worth, I’ve said before that I honestly can’t see this working out. They are living in a ‘reality’ which is of their own creation, based on all the lies and re-writing of history they’ve told themselves to allow them to feel justified in their actions and ‘victims’ of some kind or other.
Everyone wants to identify with the heroes in their own story, not the villains. Above all, having been such monumental ‘villains’ in their story, having put everyone who loves them through such agony to get what they think they want, (nb ‘think’), they will feel compelled to make it work, no matter how crap it all is. There’s none so blind as those who refuse to see, as my late mum used to say. They still can’t see that their ‘love nest’ is just fake. They won’t be able to keep their warped reality up forever though. When the reality that the rest of us live in bites (it already is. It’s inescapable. It’s reality.) the wheels will come off.
It’s natural to want them to hurt, I’m sure many of us here want at the very least to bang their heads together on your behalf. Allow yourself a huge rant and get the anger out of your system each day if you need to, it’s good and cathartic to release it, then focus your attention back on yourself and your family.
Make a plan for each day, just small tasks, then no matter where your head’s been each day, every evening when you start to feel low, you’ll be able to see how far you’ve come, what you’ve achieved in spite of your pain, in spite of them.
You’re already living in reality and dealing with it every day and finding your amazing inner strength. They’re not and at some point life will force them to play catch-up. By then you’ll be really living and they’ll be nowhere. Keep going Legs. You’re worth so much more. X

Thank you so much all.

It’s his sixtieth birthday this month so I think I’ll find it hard when that rolls around.

I don’t know if it means the antidepressants have started to work now I’ve increased the dose, but I don’t seem to feel quite as hopeless as I did a week ago. Maybe I needed the higher dose or maybe it just took some time longer to work? I’m guessing I will have to stay on them a while.

And I feel that at least with him gone I know I’m not being lied to. I don’t have to worry or puzzle about something he said/did. I’m not sure I’ve explained that very well.

The DC are doing fine. They never talk about him. He’d probably be upset if he knew of how little concern he was to them - like I think I’ve said before, he thought his relationship with them wouldn’t change at all, apart from him living somewhere else with her. It just shows how inflated his ego is.

So glad to hear the tabs are taking effect, this sounds really possitive.

Once you stop to worry about what he thinks, will be when he becomes irrelavant. As we've said baby steps, each day, the pain will dull.

Hope you can get out this week, it's been cold today, hopefully the weather will improve.
You can get out and think about future plans, little outings, seeing the children/grandchildren. All this will help, get shopping, spoil youself, buy some lovely things for the home and think though all of this, your family will be there for you, still loving you and knowing you have always been there for them.

That's a real mom.
Take care, get some sleep.
x

Yes, I think all the 'first anniversary' type dates are likely to be painful MoreLegs, but forewarned is forearmed. Maybe plan something nice for you and the DC instead.

Whether it's the passage of time or the anti-depressants kicking in, or a combination of both, it is great to hear you're feeling less hopeless. If you have to keep taking the anti-depressants for a while, so be it. You wouldn't hesitate if you needed to take painkillers for a broken limb. It doesn't mean you'll need them forever.

Knowing you're not being lied to now that he's gone does give you stability, I'm sure. It must be a lot healthier than wondering if there are any nasty surprises in store. And I rather think you were the one who was kind and prepared to compromise over any difficulties that cropped up, so you don't have to do that any more.

Sounds like he took the DCs' love for granted. Another thing he got wrong. I've no doubt they were fond of him but their reactions really do show who was, and is, the parent at the centre of their lives. Silly fool.

Take care. I hope you can get a good night's sleep.

From the little I know about anti depressants I think the effects of changes in doses to work so it may be that the change is within too. Like you say, you know where you stand now, no second guessing. Its still early days but you are holding yourself together so well.
They on the other hand hold so much toxicity between them that it will start to weigh them down, life's not a fairy tale.

@MoreLegsThanMe I think your doing really well and you should be proud of yourself in how your handling this. I am a year out since my wife left for OM and she has bounced band and forth between us and a lot of what you have written in this thread in terms of how you are feeling really resonated.

I did an almighty pick me dance for a year but anything I did just never seemed to be enough. The level of devastation all this leave in its wake is beyond belief, its my family (myself and my adult children) that have suffered and their relationship with their Mum is in tatters. For me I just don't understand the blindness, she is losing everything that mattered to her and yet it continues and it makes me so angry at times.

Despite doing the pick me dance for a year I can still say with time it does get better. We're living in an in-house separation right now but I do feel stronger today than I did a year ago although we only broke up again recently and she is making plans with OM again. Don't feel bad for wanting some karma, I've had the thoughts myself that perhaps all of this will fall apart and she will see it had been all for nothing and her eyes will be open to the hurt thats been caused but I do worry I feel that way because there is still a little light of hope that we can work it out.

Perhaps all of this will catch up with her and perhaps not and only time will tell. Keep moving forward and keep your head up you really are doing great and just don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you!

Didn’t venture out today, the weather has been horrible and so cold.

Still waiting for my green waste bin but once it arrives I’ll get busy outside.

I know now that my worst times are the nights. Obviously knowing that they’re not that far away together and I’m soldiering on here without anyone is hard. But I realise that I am doing it. I am getting through. I reread my first thread and I can see how bad a state I was in. I didn’t think I’d come very far at all but when I read it again I realise I have and it’s all because of you all keeping me going. Thank you doesn’t seem enough really.

Maybe there is life after this?

Yes, oh yes, there is life after this MoreLegs. You'll make a new life and a happier one.

You've done so well to get so far in such a short period of time that I don't see how anyone as brave and determined as you have been couldn't make a better life for herself.

It is bitterly cold where I am too. So my good intentions of getting out to tidy up and weed a bit came to nothing as well. Fingers crossed we have weather as lovely as we did last spring (only without the global pandemic if possible) so we can both get out and garden.

Sleep well. You're amazing.

I’ve been saying the same for weeks. Your first thread you were in complete despair, you were in a cleaning frenzy but weren’t really able to engage with any of the advice offered now you are getting angry and proactive. You are working through it and the improvements have started to speed up too.
It won’t be long before you start to heal a bit.

Your green bin is taking ages, hope it comes soon.

Sometimes it takes the most painful thing ever to realise what life can be like really. I know this is such a cliche but you really are doing well and with such dignity. Your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mum but remember that it's ok for them to see your vulnerable side?

We are all still rooting for you. The nights do get a little easier every week, as the anger increases!

Keep posting on here if it helps, we like to read how you're getting on x

Thank you.

So cold here again today.

A letter arrived for him today - not from the hospital. I just binned it. I guess he’s given the hospital his new address but not bothered with redirecting his post after all.

I’ve thought about them a lot today but I’ve realised that I can’t stop those thoughts. It’s why I like to try and keep busy so my mind is otherwise occupied.

DD3 has another job interview next week and I will have fingers crossed for her. She’s anxious to get her own place and her own car. She doesn’t want to be stuck in the house with me any longer than she has to. It’ll still be a wrench once she goes though, and DD4 and DS will be back to school also. It’ll be so quiet.

I’ll manage though won’t I?

I’d imagine once the schools go back she’ll really only have weekends to see them properly. That means spending less time with him and I can’t imagine what he’ll think about that.

He could take the opportunity to see our DC, but he won’t. He’s too cowardly to get in touch with them even. He turned his back on them on 10th January and now it’s like they don’t exist as far as he’s concerned.

And yet he bleated on about what a good father he was.

Well done on binning his letter. He has no right to expect you to redirect his post for him.

It's cold here too, and bucketing down into the bargain. Spring is taking its time.

Best of luck to your DD3 at the interview. It's such a horrible time to be applying for jobs. My DD is sending out applications in between studying and it is a disheartening process. My DS will be back to school shortly too, and as he's grown like a weed in lockdown I now have far too many name tags to sew on all the new uniform we've had to buy. I do not like sewing!

It is going to feel quieter with the DC out of the house but you're right, you will manage, because you are someone who will always do your best.

It doesn't matter how often he claimed to be a good father. If his deeds didn't live up to his words then the words were meaningless. As Maya Angelou said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I doubt you ever went about claiming to be a good mother. You just got on with being one and that's what counts.

Sleep well More Legs.

Do you know what @MoreLegsThanMe?

I think you’ll manage JUST FINE 😉

You’ve already surprised yourself with how far you’ve come, and that anger of yours will propel you forwards.

You’ll be fine OP. He probably thinks that stupid cookie he sent is enough fathering for the year but he’s lost out massively and I guarantee she has already done his head in but he knows it’s too late now.

Good luck to Dd and you’ll be absolutely fine. And bizarrely you may have timed it just right, just as you start feeling better, the world will start opening up and it will be like blinking into the sun to discover what’s out there. Why don’t you look for somewhere to go for a mini break with the kids once we’re allowed.

@MoreLegsThanMe
Just checking in and letting you I’m another one who thinks you are amazing - you really have travelled a long way.

Sleep well