Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Lumme, One Nasty Strumpet is a horror and no mistake. I don't think I'd trust her to tell the correct time, so I'd take her brag about "our lovely home" with a hefty pinch of salt.

I would, however, put good money on lust's middle-aged fantasy ending in tears and I'm sure he'll be back wailing that he made a terrible mistake (he'll be right for once there). It sounds like you've been such a loyal, dependable, unselfish wife to him that it will never occur to him that you might not forgive his latest betrayal. What an utter fool.

Night-time's always the hard time, isn't it? When your energy's low after the effort of getting through the day, and the worries, the sadness and the loneliness seem to swamp you. It won't always. You're doing so marvellously to get through the days. Do believe a time will come when you can manage the nights too. And do believe there will be happy times for you again.

I'm sure the fact that we're all stuck in a sort of Groundhog Day with a winter lockdown must make it a lot worse. Hopefully, as restrictions lift and spring comes you'll be able to get out into the fresh air more and find some lovely things to do. Do you have any nice garden centres or plant nurseries nearby? I'm sure you deserve a plant-buying spree when it's possible again.

Take care. Sleep tight.

@MoreLegsThanMe I get why you’re worried about seeing a counsellor as you don’t feel ready to talk to anyone about it. But their job is to help you open up. You don’t have to dive straight in with trying to unpick the betrayal, you can start by just getting used to speaking to someone.

Hope you start to feel better this week, it should definitely be easier to get out and distract yourself now.

I catch up with your thread everyday OP, and am always expecting to read - 'he's been in touch; he wants to come back'. I honestly wouldn't be surprised and feel it's just a matter of time.

Get mad OP. Don't let him grind you down. You are suffering for his selfishness. Why should you? Spring is springing. Things are easing. F**k him! Live your life! Plan your future! Indulge in what you enjoy.

Focus on the long list of negatives you felt about him when you were together. Were you besotted? Was he? No, well then...

Was he selfish? Grumpy? Unkind? Short-tempered? Distant? Smelly? Untidy? Closed? Did he give you emotional support? Make your day better? Take you out and treat you? Or treat you like a domestic hand?

You need to stop romanticising the image of this man and his relationship with you and with her. That is just in your mind. Not reality. And you can choose that narrative. You are the author. Whatever you imagine isn't necessarily the case so why torture yourself with the worse case scenario? Hasn't he done enough? Do not let this man take your life. You have but one and it is fleeting! Believe me, I know.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I don’t think I could talk about all this out loud, which is pathetic, just how I feel right now. Maybe it’ll change in time and I’ll feel that I can.

I think I could deal with this if it wasn’t for the aching loneliness.

Perhaps the first statement here connects to the second one? Might you feel less lonely if you were able to share it?

When you're ready to take even more action to help yourself to deal with it, maybe talking to someone could help you with your persistent unwanted thoughts in the middle of the night.

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe hope you’re feeling well today, I’m hoping you had the best nights sleep in weeks 💐

Thank you.

I am surprised at how I felt today when I thought about them. I was more angry than upset.

I started writing this post at about 10.30 and now it’s 6.20am. I must’ve fallen asleep just as I started.

I’m speaking to the GP today so I will ask him about arranging a counsellor and take it from there,

@CatChant there’s a nursery not too far away. Their plants are always good so, weather depending, I’ll have a trip down there to see what they have in.

Thank you all again for everything. Hopefully tonight I can finish posting before I nod off.

Anger is good! I much prefer the idea of you having a bit of fire in your belly than letting them kick you while you’re down. I expect the comment about their place was her being an insecure bitch, tbh...

@MoreLegsThanMe
This is your best update yet, you fell asleep and stayed asleep long before midnight and anger is what you really need right now as a) it will mean you are less likely to be tempted if he wants to crawl back and b) you can start to be pro-active for you which will really start to make you feel better.

The nursery is a brilliant plant, go during the week our garden centres have been very quiet week days and normal crowd levels at weekends.

A full night’s sleep and some anger, this is marvellous OP! I hope you have s good day and the sun shines.

Some GPs can arrange counselling quite quickly, others take longer or point you towards IAPT services (improving access to psychological therapies). Or you can seek one out yourself. £60 an hour in my area, money well spent - only needed 6 each time.

So pleased you're sleeping (and angry!). You're getting there OP, just keep on keeping on

I feel like a proud mama! You had a good nights sleep and are rightfully feeling angry to the selfish gits. Next stage fuck them I'm moving on x Great idea to get some beautiful plants nature heals everything. I'm going to plant some seeds this week

Anger is a sign of healing, as strange as it sounds. Eventually you'll get bored of anger and start to be indifferent. It's classic grief cycle, which means whilst you'll have days where you go back a little bit, its a sign you're moving forward

Thats so good to hear, you're moving from grief to anger and you'll keep getting stronger x

Brilliant, a good nights sleep!

Nothing better, get the sleep right and it can make you so much stronger and in your case a bit angrier.

Sounds like a plan with the garden centre, along with the painting, the house is going to be like a palace. I',m so pleased you sound today more possitive, baby steps still, keep on going.

x

Hurray, that's marvellous news. As everyone else has said a decent night's sleep and a dose of healthy anger is a good sign that you're beginning to recover.

Some days you might feel you've gone backwards a little, but that's normal. The general progress is forwards - a bit like the tide coming in.

Well done you for keeping on through the bad times.

Thank you.

I spoke with the GP this afternoon and has upped the dose of the antidepressants.

I thought about him and her quite a lot today. I think too that he has redirected his post.

If he’s done that chances are now he’ll have /had the appointment with the consultant. Then he’ll be able to have sex any time. I’m sure I’ve said this before but it’s so painful to even think about him and her together like that. I waited literally years for his ED to be resolved. When he came back at Christmas he regularly said he’d done it “for us”.

I was with him throughout all that and now he’s decided to use it with someone else.

So today wasn’t particularly good. But hopefully I’ll try harder tomorrow to keep them out of my head.

You will have good days and bad, just know the bad ones don't last forever, you wait for the next day and it will get better.

I always feared the worst, expected the worst but in the end realised it didn't matter, your life is so much more than a seedy last kick of the ball.
You have dignity and love surrounding you, christ only know what their conversations are about.
I dread to think, the guilt alone with her children left behind must affect things. I really can't see it as some paradise that you imagine.

His health, his guilt, her guilt, social outcasts, fuck me what have they got. Families that despise them.

I think you're more high brow than all that, well above them, they are nothing to you.

Lets get back on track and put those seedy little shit heads away from your thoughts. You know you are too good for them.
Hope the tablets go ok with being upped. Did you manage to get to the garden center ?

It's sod's law that a good day should be followed by a bad one. But you're still making progress. Little steps forward are an achievement in themselves.

Try not to let them inhabit your head if you can. They aren't nice people, they don't deserve to be there and they make you unhappy.

If he's redirected his post I think it's a good thing really, because you won't have reminders of him suddenly stabbing you when you pick up your letters.

Of course it's hurtful that he lied about the implant, but he'll lie to her too and about much more probably. And no matter how miraculous his contraption is, I imagine when he's fit to use it it will all be very embarrassing. It's one thing to practise with and giggle over with a loved and trusted partner, but quite another with a relative stranger whom you're trying to fool into thinking you're a super-stud. It sounds excruciating, frankly.

You're worth so much more than them MoreLegs. Please be kind to yourself.

Sleep well.

I'm not sure how much use it will get, don't underestimate how much the heart thing will have knocked their confidence.
Picture the nice romantic meal... egg and chips, take away curry ... then off to bed, but is that twinge indigestion. ..or is it something else.

Whatever scenario you're picturing, the reality will be very different.

Thank you.

Today has been okay. Not happy, but okay. Just ran a couple of errands etc. Didn’t get to the nursery yesterday because the weather was horrible. I’ll go soon though.

@Onthedunes I don’t know what her immediate family will think. It’s not as if they’re going to be able to admit how they first met if they’re asked - so there will have to be another handy lie to be thought up. He’s told so many already that he may well have convinced himself that they are true. I’m sure she’s exactly the same. How you can lie to your own children just flummoxes me. I can’t understand it.

During that six months apart he had so many opportunities to tell me what he was really doing. He just kept carrying on the lies, more and more.

I know now that chances are I’ll never understand the whys and wherefores of what he did. He’s not been in touch with the DC at all since the cookie came.

I wonder how much of it is guilt and shame, and how much is that he just can’t be arsed while he’s shacked up with her.

"Okay" is getting there, MoreLegs. Hope the weather improves so you can have a spree with the plants. I always spend far too much in nurseries and garden centres. Then I have to try to find space for my haul.

Some people are good at compartmentalising their lives. I suspect that's what he does. I rather think you, the DC and his DF are shut away in a compartment that he's not opening while he pretends to be young and single again. I also doubt that he realises quite how badly he's burnt his boats this time.

Hope you can get a good night's sleep. Take care.

Hi op,

Running errands, thats what life is, life has not changed, the things you have to do and the things you want to do, do not change.

The only difference is he is not there being however he was..... he could have been, obnoxious, angry, moody, sulky, selfish, arrogant etc etc.

Fill in the gaps ..... if you think of him, think of the shit because the mind tends to forget that stuff. Get on with your stuff, it's what we all do, it's nothing special and it very rarely feels better when there is an arsehole of a husband beside you pulling you down.

You are cracking on, you are strong and there will be better times ahead, I promise.

Unfortunately I don't think the same can be said of that rediculous couple, the bubble will burst, give us a shout when that happens cause I know there will be a resounding round of applause when that man and woman hit rock bottom.

Hopefully the weather will soon improve and we can all get to our garden centres, go for coffees, visit families and generally be little bit more occupied.

Hope tonight's sleep is a good one.
Your a star

Thank you both so much.

I’ve said this before but I genuinely feel like I can’t remember what he looks like and how he speaks.

As you said @CatChant he compartmentalises so whether or not he remembers what we all look like is doubtful. He admitted when he came back that whilst he was with her he didn’t think of any of us at all. We were just all there in a tiny box at the back of his mind. He’ll be doing the same now.

He’ll surely have to face reality at some point? He can’t just go on ignoring us, or can he?

Whenever I’ve thought of them today it’s been a mixture of disgust and pity. Disgust because of what they’ve done, not to mention the age gap. Pity because they have each other and nobody else. Hopefully they’ll come to that same realisation soon.

Later in the year DD4 will be choosing which universities to put on her application. He won’t have any idea where she wants to go, or what she wants to study.

Time so far isn’t softening the DC’s resolve not to contact him.

Time will only soften their resolve if he makes effort beyond a measly cookie.

Disgust and pity are good, you’ve come so far this week. I hope you have a good weekend, try and do something nice on Sunday as that is your hardest day, the weather will be good here so hopefully you have that too. Get out of the house and go exploring.

e’ll surely have to face reality at some point? He can’t just go on ignoring us, or can he?

The greatest revenge for this will be the day he wakes up to what he’s lost, you have reached a point where he becomes irrelevant in your life.