Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Hi op,

It takes time getting there, these things will pass. Your thoughts will lessen, just don't be hard on youself.
You are welcome to moan on here, I fully understand it is early days.
You are doing so well, you havn't contacted him and that shows such strength.

Did you paint the radiators today? Keep cracking on with the house, make it lovely for you and DCs.

Have you watched much TV to relax at night?
Maybe we could get some recommendations for some good shows from the other posters.

I'll kick off with The Queen's Gambit on Netflix.

Are there any shows programmes you could recommend op?

What’s the point? He will undoubtedly tell his DF that YOU are alienating him or some nonsense. Then he will see them once or twice, then start dicking them around again and breaking their hearts again. It’s best to let him start as he means to continue.

You don't need a good talking-to. Time is the best healer but it the problem is it takes time.

But your determination to keep on going through the bad patches is admirable and it will pay off in the end. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. It will get better.

I've been enjoying Tony Robinson's Worst Jobs in History series from YouTube today. I had it on in the background for company during a marathon cooking session and the bits I caught were so fascinating I'm going to have to sit down and watch it properly. I now definitely don't want to be a shepherd, a crossing sweeper or help build the Clifton Suspension Bridge .

Sleep tight.

You are doing brilliantly OP, it’s still very new and such a shock that he went back to her - they likely won’t last and I hope in a way he doesn’t dare come back to you as it will break your heart all over again as he has destroyed the bond you had. It will take time to heal but just know it wasn’t you and he has treated you so very badly. You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself. Try and find just one nice thing that happened in the day to think about as you try to rest. Have you tried the Calm or Headspace apps?

So he hasn’t been in touch with his df either? He’s isolating everyone, thinking that a cookie will save the day.

Did they eat it in the end

You’ve made massive strides @MoreLegsThanMe over the last few weeks, and you should be REALLY proud of keeping and holding onto the moral high ground.

Just KOKO (Keep On Keeping On)... one step in front of the other.

I wholeheartedly recommend something to listen to in the evenings. I use a free app called Insight Timer but others are available or podcasts... or R4 burbling in the background.

I’m recently out of an abusive marriage so a bit different, but there are a few things I do that stick a finger up in his direction. Like eating in bed.

It wasn’t allowed to even on Mother’s Day, so I often have a Rich Tea in bed in the mornings with my tea.

Is there anything you were unable to do in your marriage, that you now can do? Spend an entire evening in the bath? Eat Chinese? Watch soppy films? Take up knitting?

I second the podcasts to listen to in the evenings. I go to bed with Adam Buxton (podcasts) he does ramble chats with alsorts of interesting people about many different things. There are about 150 to select from and I end up listening to them a few times because I've fallen asleep 20 minutes in.
You are doing amazingly and have come so far x

You are doing great , during lockdown it's all any of us can do is to hold it together and you are doing that.
Your way out of the loneliness after lockdown is to join stuff, it is so daunting but could be great for you.
Use now as research time , I'm in a fantastic community choir with lots and lots of people who are on their own who have made friends as once the activity starts you feel less self conscious and then have something to talk about. I'm also in my WI but these vary, ours is fun and welcoming. Whatever it is doesn't matter but it will be the best thing.
Think through what you like and see how that can fit in.
Ask your kids or kids friends parents what stuff is around locally.
(For me I'd get a dog as my husband doesn't want one and I respect that but I would if I was on my own )
For now all you have to do is think about it xxx

Thank you so much.

The cookie/biscuit thing got binned. They weren’t interested. They don’t ask about him or for him. In a way I am glad that they’re so mature about all this, but in another way I’m so sad that they have to be. Hope that makes sense.

No painting today, I’m going to start on Monday and just do one a day. I don’t actually watch that much telly. DD3 watches a programme where they have people making pottery and things like that. I sometimes catch bits of it if I’m in the sitting room ironing or whatever. I tend to use telly as a background noise, kind of like to keep me company.

I’m trying hard not to think about them and what they’re doing but it’s hard not to fall down that particular rabbit hole.

It’s also hard not to think of the next however many years I have left and that it’ll be just me.

Thank you all for putting up with me - it’s so appreciated.

@MoreLegsThanMe you're doing great. Think about all the fairy tales we've been sold. Cinderella and Prince Charming, show white and prince Florian......
Your brain has gone straight to that. They never mentioned the rancid farts, the expectation and the limp knob.
You are doing well. Your imagined fairy tale for them will not be what is actually happening

Ah MoreLegs none of us know what's in store for us. "The best is yet to be" is just as possible for you as anyone else, and certainly more likely than it is for that sorry pair.

There's a reason your DCs' loyalty is to you. They know which parent deserves their love and respect.

Take care.

@MoreLegsThanMe
You are doing better than you realize.
I also am a mum to big family, 20 years of marriage and exdh had affair out of the blue. It all came out and she was Pg. I filed for divorce immediately. It took 2 years to sort custody & finances through the courts because he realised he left with the clothes on his back & I changed the locks. I had 2 in nappies when he left 😬. I have no idea how I got through that first year...

Now I am happy, i kept my house, the kids see dad as we agreed and the court stamped.....he & ow have a baby who goes back & fore between them....not my problem.....and my divorce is finalized. I have moved on and I never thought I could....I found light at the end of the tunnel, and even in these dark lockdown days I am freer than ever.

You will be too, keep going!

You said: 'It’s also hard not to think of the next however many years I have left and that it’ll be just me.'

This is not your future!

The lieing cheating man might have messed with your present but he is not all powerful.

You are doing well at getting through this most difficult time. It is so hard - but you are thinking of your children and getting on with the life you now have. Did you know that you had such reserves of strength?

Let the future take care of itself. (OR keep reminding yourself that the future will not just be more of the same. Life is not a fairy-tale but it is not an eternal misery-memoir either. ) There will be change ahead; there will be options you can't see now.

He will have rewritten his history to make it seem as though the big family was all OP’s idea and it was all a horrible fair ground ride that he couldn’t get off until OW came along and rescued him, poor lamb.

Thank you so much.

It’s been six weeks today. Sometimes it feels like a thousand years, other times like the blink of an eye.

As usual, now is the time of day I hate. I know it will get better after a while but in the here and now it’s horrible.

I hope you are all right when you say their little love nest actually isn’t. I want them to realise what they’ve done but if she’s anything like him she’ll believe that they are soul mates. They have a “connection” you see.

Tomorrow I am taking DD4 for a doctor appointment and I have a parcel to post. In the afternoon if the weather isn’t too crap we might go for a walk too.

Thank you again for all this support. I’m so touched that you are doing this.

It's amazing what constitutes a busy day these days isn't it!
I went to give blood last week and it was like an outing. Hope your day goes well. Should be able to get out in the garden this week too now it's getting warmer.

Also stop saying love nest, change it to grotty flat with a mad woman and someone else's kids recovering from a major health scare nest! Doesn't sound so good does it?

@morelegsthanme, I think your doing amazing,it's been 8 weeks since i kicked ex out,it literally broke my heart as I still love him(not sure why after what he's done),ive gone no contact blocked him on everything,but now he just turns up at the house,so I feel ok then as soon as he turns up I feel down again,I wish I could fast forward a few years x

The Durrells on Netflix, lovely light hearted fun and drama. Plus you could be inspired and clear off with the kids to Corfu. Actually this time of night could be really good for yoga if that's your kind of thing. It can be really mindful and releasing. You're doing amazingly OP, keep going.

Just here to say Hi and keep going, Legs.
“Love Nest” is not a term likely to be applicable to their situation. They are surrounded by problems and their ‘connection’ is bound up in a belief that their grass was greener on the other side and that they could ‘save’ each other from their allegedly unhappy lives.
On the other side of the fence there’s just grass. Same shade of green as on the side they just left. Except they’ll discover it’s in a shit field compared to the one they had before.
They’ll find that out when they see that their ‘connection’ hasn’t waved a magic wand over any dissatisfactions they might have had. They are now surrounded by problems, of their making, and the only ‘connection’ they had was that they were both liars living in a fantasy affair bubble. The affair bubble was the only thing between them, their consciences, their shame and their guilt. The justifications they made within it and the re-writing of history protected them from feeling blameworthy. It justified their behaviour. It shielded them from having to own it and actually feel like the pair of shits they are being. In the affair bubble they could play out fantasy scenarios where life was as simple as the ‘goodies’ and the baddies. And don’t the goodies deserve happiness after their ‘baddie’ spouse has been so unkind/unfeeling etc? The affair bubble was a ‘safe’ space to create this twaddle.
Except it isn’t an affair bubble any more, is it? It’s reality now. And it sucks. It really, really sucks. Same shit, different day, but with now with more problems and nowhere to run to hide from the awful feelings of guilt and shame. Your inner baggage never gets lost in transit. It’s guaranteed to show up wherever you run to escape it.
Time will do its hatchet job on Fantasy Island. The point will be reached where one or both discover that Romeo and Juliet are actually a pretty average Ron and Julie and that life’s challenges stay the same. Challenges that were easier to deal with when you had a spouse who knew you well and loved you. A spouse who gets your cultural references and in- jokes because they were born when you were, not 23 years earlier.

Don’t do them the favour of inventing their reality in your head. Let them live in their own reality. It won’t be anywhere near as good as the one you imagine for them.
How you can get some sleep tonight. Sending love XX

Oh there's a connection alright. One born of sneaking around on a squalid little website called Illicit Encounters to find another lying cheat who valued a furtive grubby thrill more than their spouse and children.

As for their love nest I also think it's more likely to become a private purgatory with two such selfish individuals. I wonder which one will be the first to whine: "Look at all I gave up for you."

Tomorrow sounds like an action-packed day by current standards! Fingers crossed the weather stays nice for you and the DC to get a good walk.

Good night MoreLegs.

You wait until the divorce goes through and he’s paying support and back pay. The judge is NOT going to think kindly of someone who thinks it’s okay to send their kids emotionally manipulative and semi-abusive text messages, and thinks that the best approach to healing and forgiveness is sending them one fucking cookie - to share! He has a paper trail of self-indulgence a mile long, and the judge is going to hit him up for maximum payments.

Not sure that’s how judges work @justilou1...

Another night under your belt OP, you’re getting there.

I can’t remember whether you have a counsellor? Just wondered whether you could find one who you can talk completely openly with? I’ve found it invaluable a couple of times when I felt I had ‘stalled’ because my mind wouldn’t stop dwelling on a particular issue. She kind of gave me a roadmap out of that circle of thinking.

Thank you.

Yay I made it through another day. Feels like an achievement in itself.

@lowbudgetnigella it doesn’t sound so sweet and cozy when it changes from love nest to grotty flat. Although the day she turned up at the house she said something along the lines of “you should see OUR home, it’s lovely”.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic no, no counsellor. I don’t think I could talk about all this out loud, which is pathetic, just how I feel right now. Maybe it’ll change in time and I’ll feel that I can.

I think I could deal with this if it wasn’t for the aching loneliness. During the daytimes now I’ve learnt not to let thoughts of them interfere, and I think I’m doing okay with that. But at night it still gets to me. I’m just lonely.

It cheers me up to read your posts suggesting their relationship is basically doomed to failure. I really do hope it does and if/when he comes grovelling back here (because he’ll have nowhere else to go) I can tell him no. He probably would be genuinely bewildered. Would do him good to be totally alone somewhere. He has no idea what it could possibly be like.

I get where you’re coming from re probable difficulty in opening up to someone by actually talking out loud. When I started the first time I was 50 and literally had never talked like that ever, to anyone. But it really was a floodgate opening and it was easy because, unlike everyone else, the counsellor expected/needed nothing from me (except her fee 😂). It’s a different dynamic to any other type of conversation and really liberating. A side effect has been I’m now a better listener as well as talker with my friends.

Anyway, food for thought as well as a hand to hold OP. Sleep well.