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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 20:55

You seem to be struggling understand what Ieant by desperate, even although I've explained it a few times for you now.

I know the meaning of the word desperate

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 20:55

I don't care about your sex life and I've never proclaimed to have an idea of it.

Ditto, but you felt the need to tell everyone.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 20:56

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I don't care about your sex life and I've never proclaimed to have an idea of it.

Ditto, but you felt the need to tell everyone.

Again, you're ignoring the original context of my comments. Deliberately at this point. As I've repeated the context several times now
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 20:57

And yes, my partner was telling the truth. A woman who refuses to have sex more than twice a year and brands her partner a "sex freak" for suggesting the most vanilla of vanilla sex more than twice a year. Not hard to see how he's clearly telling the truth.

Yes because you were there in the bedroom with them 😂

tigerlily20 · 01/02/2021 20:58

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion not going to say they were banging like barn doors in a gale is he? Not stupid her partner.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 20:59

@LouJ85

You sharing details of your sex life isn't really a view on the OPs post though is it?

If I was sharing for the sake of sharing, then no. But if I'm sharing to normalise the OP's expressed desires and wants, against comments who suggested he must be a porn addict for wanting what he wants..... well yes, that's a view on his post.

Yes because you couldn't possibly give a view without describing the use of sex toys, dressing up, sprawling across the bed in lingerie. Ok.
Plussizejumpsuit · 01/02/2021 20:59

[quote LouJ85]@Plussizejumpsuit

I find it interesting how you are keen to share your higher sex drive than your husband, and that you think people are generally open to sex toys etc..... yet in the next breath you agree with a poster that other women sharing their own likes and preferences is "really embarrassing". Hmmmm. [/quote]
Do you want to expand on that? I'm not the only one who things it's cringey. Juat feels a bit desperate to seem like the cool wife.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 21:02

Again, you're ignoring the original context of my comments. Deliberately at this point. As I've repeated the context several times now

Not ignoring, just don't seem the point. There really was no context or purpose to your posts, no matter how much you insist there was.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 21:03

Ahhh I see - a proper pile on.

Well, you trolls will need to find another source of amusement for your evening, I'm afraid!

I'm disengaging.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 21:03

@LouJ85

You seem to be struggling understand what Ieant by desperate, even although I've explained it a few times for you now.

I know the meaning of the word desperate

Take your own advice and read it in the context it was intended then.
JumpOnAPlane · 01/02/2021 21:04

So, back to the OP...

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 21:04

[quote tigerlily20]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion not going to say they were banging like barn doors in a gale is he? Not stupid her partner. [/quote]
Well no. I do womder if this might be the first guy LouJ has met 😂

Plussizejumpsuit · 01/02/2021 21:05

Anyway op I'm not sure the direction of the comments are helpful. Is there any way she would consider couples therapy? It might be helpful to have a person to mediate?

I do think life is too short to be unhappy and unfulfilled.

sleepyhead1980 · 01/02/2021 21:09

You think it would be messy splitting up with a mortgage? It is close to impossible when you have kids.. and if you're having sex 3 times a week you could end up with kids soon. The right thing to do here is go your separate ways. I promise this will never improve.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 21:09

@LouJ85

Ahhh I see - a proper pile on.

Well, you trolls will need to find another source of amusement for your evening, I'm afraid!

I'm disengaging.

Yes, we are trolls. More than one person questioned your motives so we are all trolls.

Yes, you've said you are disengaging a couple of times now.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/02/2021 21:15

@sleepyhead1980

You think it would be messy splitting up with a mortgage? It is close to impossible when you have kids.. and if you're having sex 3 times a week you could end up with kids soon. The right thing to do here is go your separate ways. I promise this will never improve.
I agree, if you are still having sex there is a chance your partner could end up pregnant. It will be much harder to leave your child, and if anything sex could, and very likely will become much more infrequent. If she isn't happy to discuss why she feels the way she does, then I think the ship has sailed and you should both move on while you can separate with no ties.
MrDarcysMa · 01/02/2021 21:17

Op was she always so cold sexually?
Her saying she doesn't even touch herself and never wanting to talk about orgasms seems like she's either very sexually uptight or stonewalling you because she's gone off you. Are you both affectionate in other ways ? I mean really abs truly. Not just a neck goodnight and the odd hug.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting a normal healthy sex life and if she's not interested in that or willing to talk about it / try and work on it I'd be leaving tbh. You've not got kids so you're in an idea position to separate if that's what you want.

MrDarcysMa · 01/02/2021 21:18

Sorry that was *peck goodnight, not neck !

tigerlily20 · 01/02/2021 21:20

@LouJ85 we are just replying to your comments where you specifically tagged us, that's not a pile on.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 01/02/2021 21:20

@Ac198

You don't make her orgasm. It's as simple as that.

So yes she wants it over and yes she treats it as a favour as she's spent 10 years giving you orgasms and not getting one back.

You have to face the obvious here that you're bad in bed and have ideas around porn.

Sit her down and say - I want to make you cum in sex, how do I do that, what can I do and I can't have sex anymore unless were both enjoying it.

If she says no she won't show you. Then you have a bigger issue.

If she says yes, work through it together.

Ntwa · 01/02/2021 21:21

@Ac198 I haven't read the whole thread but read your parts with interest... And tears.
My latest partner of 4yrs and I have just split (my decision) wasn't sex related but there have been a few occasions that made me think reading your post.
I tried it on, on my partners sofa once. He didn't seem keen, I was obviously upset and a bit? He said he just preferred bed
Again at mine a few weeks later I greeted him in sexy underwear.. I was a little nervous due to the sofa incident and he clearly looked a bit unsure when he saw me.. But he went through with it and that was it. Weeks later it got thrown at me in an argument that he was tired and didn't want that pressure after a week at work??.. Writing that makes me sad and that we werent overly compatible, I just put up with it because I love him.
I think you're girlfriends like my ex and not particularly fussed as opposed to it being you.
I hope you can work it out. It's a big part of a relationship.

MrsSmith2021 · 01/02/2021 21:22

I am similar about sex. I have previous sexual trauma. For me, being touched etc is overwhelming. I do it for my partner. I’d happily have a sexless relationship.

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/02/2021 21:27

If she gets one she never says anything. I mentioned it years ago and was made fully aware its a no go subject

I've mentioned toys and self pleasure. She said if I ever bought her toys she'd be angry and that an ex did and she just laughed at him. Also that she never touches herself

Honestly then I think you're flogging a dead horse. She can't expect you to endure a lifetime of celibacy because she fancies a nice house and a room mate.

It's up to you to decide the relationships future, but don't let anybody shame you and don't shame yourself for wanting to be desired, and have sex where both parties are present and participating.

KatyClaire · 01/02/2021 21:29

You sound really incompatible and should break up. Sorting the house will be a hassle but that’s true whether you split up now or in five years.

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 21:30

@Closetbeanmuncher

If she gets one she never says anything. I mentioned it years ago and was made fully aware its a no go subject

I've mentioned toys and self pleasure. She said if I ever bought her toys she'd be angry and that an ex did and she just laughed at him. Also that she never touches herself

Honestly then I think you're flogging a dead horse. She can't expect you to endure a lifetime of celibacy because she fancies a nice house and a room mate.

It's up to you to decide the relationships future, but don't let anybody shame you and don't shame yourself for wanting to be desired, and have sex where both parties are present and participating.

I agree.
There was a comment further up thread that the OP clearly doesn't make her orgasm and should ask her how. But if she doesn't engage in self pleasure, how will she know what she likes or doesn't like, and what helps her to orgasm? It seems to be a general disinterest in sex and self pleasure, as opposed to the OP's lack of knowledge or skill etc in that department.