Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

Op don't settle for this crap relationship. As pp said, either your girlfriend doesn't like sex, or she just doesn't like sex with you. Most people want what you want, good sex in a loving relationship. Break up as amicably as you can, as soon as you can.

OP I have to agree with @sabrinathemiddleagewitch.

I believe the sexual side of your reationship is due to not being able to give her an orgasm.

What I don't agree with in that post is asking her how you should give her one. I have known so many women who have reached older age that have not experienced one.

Maybe she never has.
This is the conversation you should have.

I've been through phases of not enjoying sex and it was with partners I was no longer attracted to. I'd have sex 10 times a day with my current bf if I could. So, perhaps she just doesn't fancy you!

OP, my previous partner (yes, contrary the hilarious accusations of my current partner being the only first man I've been with😂) was very similar to yours. He never initiated sex, it always seemed like a chore to him, it was boring, predictable etc... I just knew I had to get out as were fundamentally sexually incompatible, and to some people that's a deal breaker. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means that you need to be with someone whose values and desires match yours. Leaving that boring relationship was in all honesty the best thing I ever did. But only know what you can cope with longer term.

@Onthedunes

OP I have to agree with *@sabrinathemiddleagewitch*.

I believe the sexual side of your reationship is due to not being able to give her an orgasm.

What I don't agree with in that post is asking her how you should give her one. I have known so many women who have reached older age that have not experienced one.

Maybe she never has.
This is the conversation you should have.

Very good point onthedunes.

Either way, she isn't having orgasm in sex and you either talk about it and deal with it or accept that your sex life is what it is.

Be as honest as you can with her! Don't hide behind hints, straight up tell her what you like. Discuss boundaries.
Ask what she likes, ask what she enjoys about your current sex life and what she would change. You never know when she might open up to you ☺️

Either way, she isn't having orgasm in sex and you either talk about it and deal with it or accept that your sex life is what it is.

OP said in response to the very first comment that he's tried talking to her and that it always "ends badly". I wonder whether he's specifically tried to talk to her about whether or not she orgasms, though.

Also, there can be more reasons to low sex drive than just her 'not fancying you'
Birth control effects sex drive, lots of medication can, she could be stressed, she could have mental health problems. To me it sounds like she's hiding something she feels uncomfortable talking about. Ask if there's anything going on and explain that you're worried, it doesn't have to be sexual. Taking a weight off her shoulders may help a lot!

Another thing that might help is day to day compliments and love. Compliment her randomly, open up and try to notice the little things about her, maybe things you've never mentioned before. A tight hug, rather than a quick one.
I started making a lot of extra effort with my partner when he explained that he felt like I'm not attracted to him. It's so so easy to get lazy in a long term relationship, it's really important to bring back the things you did when you first met. I held my partners had the other day for the first time in forever, it was something so simple that made us both feel so happy for a short moment. All about making an extra effort :)

I was going to write something regarding how you initiate sex, but after thinking about your posts, I have to agree with PP. This seems like a relationship doomed to be unhappy. Is best you split while you're still young and don't have kids thrown into it.

Best of luck!

@crossfitjunkie

The lack of fulfilling sex (for both of you) and the lack of good communication suggest a lack of intimacy. I'd imagine this is what you are missing more then just sex.

Is there a lot of hugs and kissing and hand holding and foot rubbing shoulder massages etc? Often there needs to be a lot of this sort of thing without any sexual agenda for women to feel loved and appreciated enough to want sex. A lack of any of that just suggests you have lost your connection.

Sex is as much mental as physical for many women.

Like I said she dislikes being touched. And we would never kiss during the day. As she hates touch I can't massage her. And she won't massage me. We will cuddle on the sofa, she says 'you can come over here if you like'. And then I slide over like a dog and she might run my hair. We hold hands when out walking which i always find curious a apart from that we don't touch.

If we pass on the kitchen and I touch her bum to be playful she hates it and has described it as gropping. Which to an extent I understand, but often its done out of appreciation rather than sexual.

Now I don't bother.

Oh and she does still like to cuddle at night and fall asleep on me. But has mentioned only when she's cold.

She also refers to sex as 'sexin'. So she'd say 'we can do sexin if you like', so putting it all on me.

Like I said she dislikes being touched.

So she dislikes all types of touch, not just sexual?

I feel like your goal should be for her to have a fantastic experience, and you should make it your business to find out how to do it. Asking is one way, but the best way is to watch her carefully and be responsive. If she's resentful and there are no kids, I mean, she's probably sexually frustrated. So when you want more stuff for you, for her to give you oral or dress up, of course she wouldn't be into it.

She also refers to sex as 'sexin'. So she'd say 'we can do sexin if you like', so putting it all on me.

I'm sorry but if my partner said to me we can have sex "if you like", I'd be devastated. No wonder you feel the way you do OP.

You seem like a nice person OP. It's a shame you are in this situation.

As I said earlier I am more like your partner. But I've always thought "I hope my son doesnt end up with someone like me". Sex should be easy and fun, unfortunately for some of us its neither x

Op you are on a hiding to nothing with this relationship. I can’t see how you can try any harder than you are and I completely get that you you feel deflated, frustrated and unappreciated.
I would not be able to put up with the stuff you are it would make me feel absolutely shut about myself.
I think you need to tell her how you feel and what you need and certainly don’t have sex next time she initiated and tell her why.
She clearly has issues in this area and they are big ones- the reasons don’t matter that much if she’s not prepared to be honest and confront them so that you can both stand a fighting chance.

I don't mean to be rude op but no ammount of asking what you like, what she likes helps solve the machanical problem of having an orgasm.

You should be able to say to her and any future partners, yes I can give you an orgasm, I know how to do it, let me do it and you will obviously see when she's had one. Fact. Before any penatatrive sex occurs.

It's important, and the men reading this know exactly that they can do this. They are not uncertain whether or not their partners have come.

I really think there is sexual niavity on both your parts.
More sexual education rather than titilation I think would be my go to.

Sorry if I've misread the situation but being frank and uncensored is the only way I can respond.

@BigButtons

Op you are on a hiding to nothing with this relationship. I can’t see how you can try any harder than you are and I completely get that you you feel deflated, frustrated and unappreciated. I would not be able to put up with the stuff you are it would make me feel absolutely shut about myself. I think you need to tell her how you feel and what you need and certainly don’t have sex next time she initiated and tell her why. She clearly has issues in this area and they are big ones- the reasons don’t matter that much if she’s not prepared to be honest and confront them so that you can both stand a fighting chance.

100% agree. OP seems to have really tried here. If she's not even willing to talk about it, his hands are tied.

Op if your partner really doesn't masturbate (on top of not apparently enjoying sex, and not wanting to be touched apart from a hand hold while walking, not kissing etc.) I would be inclined to think she asexual.

She also won't discuss anything on this subject apparently so ..not sure how you'd ever resolve anything.

How likely is she to change?

You have no kids yet, you'll be fucked (no pun intended) if you bring kids into this. Yours already having trouble getting out with just a mortgage and your history.

If we pass on the kitchen and I touch her bum to be playful she hates it and has described it as gropping. Which to an extent I understand, but often its done out of appreciation rather than sexual.

Now I don't bother.

So she’s having sex with you 2-3 times a week despite not wanting it, even initiating it only for your benefit, you have sex knowing she’s not into it (how do you do that by the way?) and even if she were into it then it still wouldn’t be enough. Now you’re sulking because this woman who doesn’t like being touched doesn’t respond positively to being groped while going about her day?

End this relationship for her sake if not for yours. Thank god you “don’t bother” any more when you know she doesn’t like it. Some women may appreciate being felt up randomly, many do not. You’re not doing it for her benefit.

I don’t think a lot of the people commenting here understand what it’s like to have sex that you really don’t want to have. The fact that’s doing it anyway IS her making an effort.

If she has issues with being touched generally, even averse to massage etc, there’s likely something behind that.

Yet you’ve got a whole thread here with lots of people basically calling her selfish or manipulative or taking advantage.

Thanks for everyone's responses. They have been really useful and I totally get this splits opinion.

I just needed some help and opinions. So I hope everyone has been as truthful as possible.

Despite how the thread has gone, I thank those that shared their sex life details as it made me realise there are people in my situation and also those that are really enjoying themselves at all ages.

Sex is key for me. But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship. I did try and mention it recently and asked if she was still attracted to me and if she liked sex. She sold yes bit then closed up and it was not mentioned again.

Didn't want to read and run, but was she abused as a child? As it seems like with all this no touching etc....just rings alarm
Bells for me. My friend was sexually abused as a child and hated sex but would do it to please her partners.
Maybe I'm way off the mark here, but it just seems odd?
Some women hide it all, and for her to be like you're describing it just seems odd!

But if I'm wrong then....you need to find someone else. X

Leave her OP. It will NOT get better. You'll end up incredibly frustrated.

I was in a relationship like that. I was your partner. Truth was I wasn't attracted to him but there were reasons for staying together and looking back, he made no effort and it was very routined and not massively fulfilling from very early on (from his side).

My DP was also you in his previous relationship. He gave up trying in the end and his ex would never ever initiate so they ended up in a sexless relationship for the last few years until he met me.

Now DP and I are both category As (to use a pps post). We are also very much like you would like it to be and we are on the same page about it. It just makes me realise what I'd really been missing in my previous relationship, same for DP.

Cut your losses whilst you don't have children. She either isn't attracted to you or she just doesn't like sex. Neither option is going to bring you a happy and fulfilling sex life and life is too short.

Thinking also- I wish my partner were like you op- he is not adventurous at all but we touches me a lot when we are not in bed. We hold hands and cuddle when watching tv etc and when out walking. He will squeeze my bum when he walks past me and because of that I can put up with the lack of adventure because he is showing affection.
I do really feel sorry for you and think you should find someone more suited to your needs and who can give you the affection and appreciation you deserve.

@gaijinetal

Op if your partner really doesn't masturbate (on top of not apparently enjoying sex, and not wanting to be touched apart from a hand hold while walking, not kissing etc.) I would be inclined to think she asexual.

She also won't discuss anything on this subject apparently so ..not sure how you'd ever resolve anything.

How likely is she to change?

You have no kids yet, you'll be fucked (no pun intended) if you bring kids into this. Yours already having trouble getting out with just a mortgage and your history.

Anti depressants. Mental health issues. Hypothyroidism. Folate deficiency. Mental health issues. History of sexual abuse. Hormonal contraception. Hormonal imbalance.

Just a few of the things that can adversely affect libido. The fact she doesn’t masturbate doesn’t mean she’s asexual FFS.

Of course if she’s not willing to discuss it or seek medical advice / counselling or whatever to resolve it, that’s a different issue.

Despite how the thread has gone, I thank those that shared their sex life details as it made me realise there are people in my situation and also those that are really enjoying themselves at all ages.

You're welcome, OP. I'm pleased the details of others' sex lives were in fact helpful to you, as was the intention (despite protests that I was just "desperate" to share my sex life for "validation" from random internet strangers 😂)

The fact that at least you received these comments in the spirit they were intended and found them helpful, is all that matters.