Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion started reading the replies and thought the same pick me

I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

Well why aren’t you still with them then? Sex was clearly not the number one priority.

If you can tell she isn't enjoying it, why the hell are you doing it?

I could tell DH didn’t enjoy coming round the shopping centre with me but he did it anyway out of a sense of duty and because that’s what couples do.

Nobody wants a partner to do 'what they can cope with'. Everyone wants to be desired. Everyone wants a love that is reciprocated.
OP - the happiness and fulfillment you will feel when you find someone who welcomes your desire for them and desires you will put all this into perspective. I understand the pain it would cause - but also, your DW sounds to be in pain also. She is giving more than she feels she wants to - and that is also misery.
But you must be honest with her - not about your wants or needs, but the 'us' talk - about whats missing for both of you. And see that you both deserve more than this for the future.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Oft it didn't take long for this thread to draw in a couple of posters desperate to describe how much they love dressing up, sex toys and what sexy things they love to do for their partners 😂.

It's really embarrassing

@Wearywithteens

My point about ‘her side of story’ is that she puts out 2-3 times a week and clearly doesn’t enjoy it. That isn’t the behaviour of a selfish woman - that’s the behaviour of a woman unhappily doing something deeply intimate because she thinks it will satisfy the sexual needs of her partner.

Just because it doesn’t suit the OP’s sex drive, and his sexual fantasies, doesn’t mean that woman isn’t doing everything her mind and body can cope with to keep him happy.

I don't disagree.

My point was -if you read it - that I have never once seen a comment about a "selfish bastard of a man" depicted in a female OP's post, or words to that effect (there a numerous examples), be challenged to the effect "hang on, we haven't heard his side though".

The point is - when the person being portrayed in the OP is male and posters make negative assumptions about him, you rarely see anyone keen to know the other side of the story. No one cares. But we all need to hear the other side when the person portrayed is female.

That alone was my point. It's an odd contradiction in my view.

Honestly you should walk away..me and my husband are both 35, have three kids and started going out 20 years ago now and whilst sex may only be twice a week due to the kids and life etc. When we do have it it's very varied and experimental with everything and anything. If that is what you want you arent going to be happy settling long term with boring vanilla. I imagine she is maybe settling too to be honest if she doesnt have much interest in sex. Things will only get worse as you get older, better to walk away now if she isnt willing to change. You just aremt suited sadly.

You're not expecting too much.

You two have different sexual labido's

I love everything you just said and always will do, no matter how long I've been with my boyfriend.

You two just don't suit

@Scbchl

Honestly you should walk away..me and my husband are both 35, have three kids and started going out 20 years ago now and whilst sex may only be twice a week due to the kids and life etc. When we do have it it's very varied and experimental with everything and anything. If that is what you want you arent going to be happy settling long term with boring vanilla. I imagine she is maybe settling too to be honest if she doesnt have much interest in sex. Things will only get worse as you get older, better to walk away now if she isnt willing to change. You just aremt suited sadly.

Exactly. "Boring vanilla" just doesn't work for some people. And that's ok. Just means you need to find someone more sexually compatible

Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

No it isn't. You are lucky - not married, no kids. You can sell the house, split proceeds and go your separate ways

@Plussizejumpsuit

I find it interesting how you are keen to share your higher sex drive than your husband, and that you think people are generally open to sex toys etc..... yet in the next breath you agree with a poster that other women sharing their own likes and preferences is "really embarrassing". Hmmmm.

The lack of fulfilling sex (for both of you) and the lack of good communication suggest a lack of intimacy. I'd imagine this is what you are missing more then just sex.

Is there a lot of hugs and kissing and hand holding and foot rubbing shoulder massages etc? Often there needs to be a lot of this sort of thing without any sexual agenda for women to feel loved and appreciated enough to want sex. A lack of any of that just suggests you have lost your connection.

Sex is as much mental as physical for many women.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion started reading the replies and thought the same pick me

😂😂 pick me? Women who are quite clearly stating that they are in happy, sexually satisfying relationships? OK!

Or, some people just have different experiences and desires to you, and they share them.

That's equally as valid as your viewpoint I'm afraid.*

You on have my view of the OPs relationship, and what my opinion on why his partner might feel the way she does.
You have no idea about what experiences I have or what I enjoy 😂.

This goes waaaay deeper than sex though.

She won't say she loves him, she won't kiss him, she "does her duty" and stares at the ceiling twice a week like a soldier.....

It's all so fucking grim.

I fully believe she's just in the relationship for the house and the status too!

What's the point of this farce? Both of you fooling yourselves that you're happy?

What's your goal in life? Because if it's being told "I love you" once in a while, then you're barking up the wrong tree, son, quite apart from the sex issue.

Think about it: if you stay with her, then nobody will ever say that to you for the rest of your life. Fan-dabby-fucking-dozy. 👍

It shouldn't be this sad.

My point was -if you read it - that I have never once seen a comment about a "selfish bastard of a man" depicted in a female OP's post, or words to that effect (there a numerous examples), be challenged to the effect "hang on, we haven't heard his side though".

You genuinely don’t see the difference between sex you don’t want and shopping you don’t want to do?

That’s horrifying.

I'm not ok with the PPs assuming your DP is a type and you're incompatible. Some other PPs have pointed out that past experiences and trauma can leave a person in the state yourDP seems to be in. I was like this. And I couldn't talk about it because I HADN'T ACKNOWLEDGED IT YET. it's not always just straightforward to talk it out, even in a good relationship.
However you MUST heed the comments questioning why you would have sex with her in knowledge she doesn't want or enjoy it.
Next time she initiates, please sensitively decline and explain why. Sensitively. She will take it badly for sure, because she's doing it "for you". But I bet this step will help to open up a different conversation about the issues.
If she has past issues and you love her enough to help her work through it then she's a lucky lady. My DH stood by me through all sorts of shite. We are good now and 20 years after my trauma incident I was able to realise what it was, call it by its name (rape) and start to heal.
Now me and DH have a good love life. Not perfect but getting better all the time. Underpinned by a love and trust that blows everything else out of the water.

Hope this offers an alternative perspective to the black and white responses.

If this is how it's been since two months into your relationship, I don't think she will change, sorry.

But you need to have a really frank discussion with her, find out what she thinks about sex and your sex live, take it from there.

Good luck.

@LouJ85 yeah it was all a bit pick me tbh

[quote tigerlily20]**@LouJ85* yeah it was all a bit pick me* tbh [/quote]
Brilliant thanks for that laugh.
I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my fiancé's baby who I love dearly.
But yes OP, pick me, pleeeease. 😂

Having read the rest of your comments that she doesnt show any affection; kiss or cuddle you or tell you she loves you etc I think its 100% over and she has settled because she so comfy.

It is likely also because she cant orgasm she doesnt enjoy sex or she may be asexual, as you suggested. Its ashame she isnt open to trying anything as without a doubt a womanizer or a bullet used for clitoral stimulation would help. If she cant orgasm with you that is why she is happy to settle as she likely believes she would be the same with anyone.

Some people have varied sex lives lots of times a week and that is great for them. Some of us have had varied sex lives in the past but this has changed into not as often or varied but still very much enjoyed. Some people have and always will have dismal sex lives or dont enjoy it at all...who cares ignore the projecting and just focus on you and your partner talk and listen and if she truly will not talk knowing your unhappy then walk.

You on have my view of the OPs relationship, and what my opinion on why his partner might feel the way she does.
You have no idea about what experiences I have or what I enjoy 😂

Equally, you have no right to brand women on this thread as "desperate" because they're open enough to share what they enjoy.

Yes, but gos forbid we express it loud! We become "desperate", apparently.

Not desperate, just desperate to prove how much you love sex and give a few details of the things you just love doing to get your man off 😂.

Also, seeing things from both sides is exactly what I've done. I'm not sure how you've been "more open minded".

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yes, but gos forbid we express it loud! We become "desperate", apparently.

Not desperate, just desperate to prove how much you love sex and give a few details of the things you just love doing to get your man off 😂.

Also, seeing things from both sides is exactly what I've done. I'm not sure how you've been "more open minded".

Desperate 😂
And I suppose you're equally desperate to prove how much you don't love sex, right? Or ... you're just expressing your views from the angle of your own experiences, as am I.

Equally, you have no right to brand women on this thread as "desperate" because they're open enough to share what they enjoy.

You should perhaps think about how much information you share on a public for about what you enjoy sexually.
Again, not desperate in the way you seem to think, just desperate to prove how "open minded" you are in every way.

Not sure why you or anyone else would feel the need to give descriptions of how much you love using sex toys, or "sprawling across the bed in Ann summers outfits". Unnecessary details that not a single person asked for, but if it makes you feel better, you crack on.