Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:38

@Onthedunes

Have you already met your replacement sexual partner ?
Was this a question for me?

If so, no. And I've never chested.

OP posts:
foxhat · 02/02/2021 23:39

The pretense that this kind of ,'lad behaviour' is something women can relatively easily 'deal with' is part of what allows it to continue. Wouldn't be so easy for the football lads to laugh if they were admitting it was rape and would cause decades of trauma. Poor things.

foxhat · 02/02/2021 23:41

No one is demonising you for wanting a more intense sexual experience. They are asking you to also consider your girlfriends needs and admit the impact of a previous rape. But you don't seem to want to.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:43

@foxhat

No one is demonising you for wanting a more intense sexual experience. They are asking you to also consider your girlfriends needs and admit the impact of a previous rape. But you don't seem to want to.
I've done this for a decade
OP posts:
EarthSight · 02/02/2021 23:44

@BigButtons

You may not use it in that way, but the term 'vanilla' has come straight out of the BDSM world. It's their word for any sex that doesn't involve domination, pain, or fetish play. They often use it in a derisive way.

Even the sex that you want would for them be considered 'vanilla'.

foxhat · 02/02/2021 23:45

Well you're not doing it now and if you can't you need to get out of the relationship. For her sake.

Puddinger · 02/02/2021 23:47

My Mum used to say, Men are more obtuse than you'll believe is possible. You'll think it's not for real, but it is.

FlatteredRhubardFool · 02/02/2021 23:49

Please leave her. For her sake. Poor woman.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:49

@pdiddydid

*She is happy to cuddle.

We argue a fair bit about various things.*

*She just seems to resent me and the things I don't do

I think my girlfriend may be asexual

If we pass on the kitchen and I touch her bum to be playful she hates it and has described it as gropping*

Sex is key for me. But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship.
*
We have argued a lot. She would say i don't emotionally support her and that I lack empathy.
*
*I admit I could do more to help her out.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation*

She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning.

All your own words op. But hey, you keep up with your lack of emotional intelligence and keep telling us we're wrong about your girlfriends sexual trauma. You clearly know best so why bother.

I admit my emotional intelligence may be lacking.

I take a get on with it approach.

But I won't be held accountable for others behaviour.

Every one could do more to help their partner is they are being honest.

I think large aspects of my relationship are fairly common. Unless you are all perfect with perfect men.

Wanting sex is not a crime. This thread has made me realise I want more then ever to find someone i who can show me intimacy and affection. Its also made me realise I'm not actually that bad a person.

OP posts:
foxhat · 02/02/2021 23:50

Oh. My. God.

ineedtogooutlater · 02/02/2021 23:51

*We have no idea if she has any long term trauma. That is an assumption.

I know this person a lot better than you do. She is tough and strong.

Things impact people in different ways. And they also learn to move on and deal with things, compartmentalise so they can enjoy the rest of their lives.

The fact she had no ill feelings towards this person would suggest she dealt with it in some way.

Also I don't think it is on her mind in every subsequent sexual experience since*

This really doesn't match with your comment that you've been trying to understand her sexual trauma for a decade.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:52

[quote EarthSight]@BigButtons

You may not use it in that way, but the term 'vanilla' has come straight out of the BDSM world. It's their word for any sex that doesn't involve domination, pain, or fetish play. They often use it in a derisive way.

Even the sex that you want would for them be considered 'vanilla'.[/quote]
No average person would be aware of this connection to the bdsm world.

I'm not even sure what bdsm is but if they are all concenting there is no issue

OP posts:
ineedtogooutlater · 02/02/2021 23:52

Wanting sex is not a crime. This thread has made me realise I want more then ever to find someone i who can show me intimacy and affection. Its also made me realise I'm not actually that bad a person.

Ah you're the 'I'm a nice guy' type of guy.

Puddinger · 02/02/2021 23:53

Also I don't think it is on her mind in every subsequent sexual experience since

Of course not. Something doesn't have to be on your mind to affect your reactions or behaviour.

Butterfly44 · 02/02/2021 23:55

Not read all the posts but you need to talk. Communication is the number one failure of a relationship. It sounds like you can't talk to each other about this so mediation is needed. Suggest doing couple's therapy and if she turns that down then I'm sorry, but it shows she's no longer invested in trying to resolve or make the relationship better. In time you are likely to split if it carries on as is; so you are just delaying the inevitable unless there is active change.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:57

@ineedtogooutlater I'm just painting the whole picture. If I live my life though the lense that she is always traumatised we will never get anywhere as it would eat us both up

OP posts:
Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:58

@ineedtogooutlater

Wanting sex is not a crime. This thread has made me realise I want more then ever to find someone i who can show me intimacy and affection. Its also made me realise I'm not actually that bad a person.

Ah you're the 'I'm a nice guy' type of guy.

Not really
OP posts:
Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 23:58

@foxhat

Oh. My. God.
???
OP posts:
Onthedunes · 03/02/2021 00:08

You are right wanting sex is not a crime but starting a post being deliberatly obtuse is not good.

If this has made you feel you are not that bad person then I dispair.
You have deliberately enticed people to discuss their sexual behaviour and hid behind the posters who agreed with your lack of sex, gaining sympathy.

You have antagonised women who have obviously suffered sexual abuse flippantly talking of 'football' talk as the norm. It is highly triggering and traumatic to be so glib and thoughtless.
You seem quite narcisistic to be honest and I firmly believe your fear about leaving your partner will work out for the best for her.

Once she's over the hurt she will probably find someone who is far more, caring, empathetic and who can make her feel safe, loved and cherished.
Her sex life I should imagine will improve immeasurably.

You have been checked out of this relationship for a while.
Own it.

zigzog44 · 03/02/2021 00:13

@Ac198 - OP I think you’ve been given a hard time here and I think things are starting to go off topic too.
It’s easy for people to assume they know what’s happening in your relationship but only you know the situation, as does your partner.
It’s clear you’re not sexually compatible, you’ve discussed this with your partner, things have remained the same, you want different things, so there’s only one route you can go. There are also other routes you can exhaust first if you want to, sex/couples counselling but you both have to be willing to do this.
Good luck in whatever you decide!

Woodlandbelle · 03/02/2021 00:15

I think it's clear it's over.
I don't feel you really love her. She's not that into you. It's very hard to make the break but this isnt fair on either of you.

Nandakanda · 03/02/2021 00:17

Why set yourself up as a target for vitriol on here?

She's not what you want, it sounds like you're not what she wants - why waste any more time?

When you find somebody that's right for you, you'll know the difference immediately and wonder why you endured a sub standard relationship for so long.

Just make sure you get your fair share of your assets.

JanuaryJonez · 03/02/2021 00:31

OP I've RTFT now and what stood out for me is:

A. She was spiked twice in the past and doesn't remember what happened

B: When you first met she was initiating sex up to five times a day

C: A previous poster said that past sexual abuse can manifest itself in periods of intense sexual activity and then complete emotional shutdown

D: Your girlfriend's complete inability to talk about what she's feeling

I think you are in a much more complex situation than you may realise and, for that reason, I think your relationship may be able to be saved. My advice would be to gently try and start a very delicate conversation with her about her past and try and move on from there.

I've stayed up way past my bedtime reading this, as you sound very genuine to me. I wish you the very best of luck Thanks

Gina67844 · 03/02/2021 00:48

I don't think you are genuine at all. The way you speak of your partner of ten years has a coldness and remoteness that, quite frankly, leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. You act very innocent and naive about sex , ( don't know what BDSM is?, Never heard of vanilla sex?). , And then actually bring in your disgusting stories about what you overhead while playing football into the conversation? I wonder what was your purpose in doing that? You don't have to respond. I imagine your reply will be as bad as the rest of your comments.

I do want you to leave your partner. She cannot thrive with you, you lack empathy, you are cold. You don't even try to defend your girlfriend to people making comments about all the areas she lacks in.

This thread should have been about you and how you feel but you've told unnecessary details of your partners life and past in order to garner sympathy for yourself. it's really disheartening to read. And to think that you are 35 years old? Fuck. Now that is hard to believe. You sound much younger.

bluebell34567 · 03/02/2021 00:58

if she had a trauma she needs to get professional help. otherwise your relationship wont survive.
you are not a professional to do that. you've wasted 10 years.