Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@PistachioPudding

Jesus. OP, you say you love your girlfriend. Show her. Go and do some reading about the potential impacts of sexual assault on people's emotions, behaviours and attitudes towards their body and physical relationships. This can be very different for everyone, but there are many support services with excellent web pages and information that can be a starting point. Do some reading about how to best support survivors of sexual assault. Think carefully and empathically about how you think your girlfriend's past experiences might have affected her feelings and behaviours about her self, her self worth and her body. Noone here can tell you. She might have been so traumatised that she can't tell you either. But as has been pretty clear from the early parts of this thread, there is a lot more going on here than just a sexual incompatibility. She may well benefit from professional support. You may also benefit from some professional support.

Man up, OP. Stop thinking about the sex you aren't getting and start thinking about the person behind your girlfriend's body.

Very good advice. It's not enough to just say "she won't talk to me about it", end of story. The most supportive, loving thing you can do is educate yourself about sexual abuse and its effects, and - if it seems appropriate - encourage your girlfriend to consider talking to someone (not you!)

I would just like to point out that being hyper sexual for a period of time is a very common reaction to the trauma of sexual assault.

I honestly think op has already made his mind up about leaving her probably before he even posted.

I think he would be better posting for financial advice on how to split assets.
I really don't think you want this relationship anymore, why don't you just tell her, are you affraid she won't want to discuss it ?

@Ac198

I don't think she's told anyone.

Sadly I don't think its that uncommon. I know a few girls who have had a penis shoved up their bum mid sex, or a stray finger. Trying there luck.

I used to play football and heard a lot of lad stories as well, and you'd be shocked at the things I've heard. The 'cheeky finger' one being very prevalent along with the 'surprise facial'.

Gee. I can’t imagine why she struggles to open up to you.

“Trying your luck” is not a thing during sex. There’s consensual activities and then there’s rape

Those mates you are talking about? Rapists.

The fact that you don’t understand that victims of sexual trauma have times when they can function pretty well and times when they can’t.

As your partner is a victim of sexual abuse, what do you think it tells her when you’ll happily have sex with her when she’s not into it? I’m not at all surprised she’s come to not enjoy sex in these circumstances, as a victim of past sexual assault myself. Knowing that you want more adventurous sex probably doesn’t help either. The fact that you pondered the root of the problem for 20 odd pages before casually dropping in that she’s been a victim of rape shows that you do not grasp the impact of this.

I hope you do leave so she can hopefully find someone with some empathy.

@Ac198

I don't think she's told anyone.

Sadly I don't think its that uncommon. I know a few girls who have had a penis shoved up their bum mid sex, or a stray finger. Trying there luck.

I used to play football and heard a lot of lad stories as well, and you'd be shocked at the things I've heard. The 'cheeky finger' one being very prevalent along with the 'surprise facial'.

They're not lad stories. They are reports of sexual assault. As a woman sadly I wouldn't be surprised as I am aware just how prevalent sexual violence is to women. I'm not sure how to read the tone of this reply. You do know that despite it being common it's no less damaging yes? And that anyone who hears these stories should not be laughing along but calling it what it is and potentially reporting a crime to the police?

Again she initiates it. So I hardly not wanting it. The issues is its vanilla.

Just because she initiated it doesn’t mean she wants it. You really need to educate yourself.

Oh it’s vanilla now? At first you said she didn’t enjoy it and when you were rightly pulled up on having sex without enthusiastic consent you changed it to “it’s too boring”.

And there it is.

Here you have a man who comes on and from the beginning says his girlfriend says he lacks empathy, doesn't support her emotionally, argues with her a lot, doesn't do his share at home - but he wants to know why she won't have passionate sex with him every day. (His answered his own question but anyway.)

Doesn't want to know how to support her emotionally or show empathy but does want to know why she won't indulge his kink.

Then throws in casually that she's been raped. But also can't understand why she would find a slap on the bum gropey.

You should absolutely be ending the relationship and allowing her to find someone who fulfils her emotionally as well as sexually.

@Onthedunes

I honestly think op has already made his mind up about leaving her probably before he even posted.

I think he would be better posting for financial advice on how to split assets.
I really don't think you want this relationship anymore, why don't you just tell her, are you affraid she won't want to discuss it ?

Correct. I dread the pain and atmosphere it will cause.

I've been with this person 10 years so naturally I care for her still

Every time someone uses the word 'Vanilla', I just think 'twat'.

If 'normal' 'boring' sex isn't for you, that's fine, but this 'vanilla' term is so often used to describe sex that isn't BDSM or violent porn inspired.

Have you already met your replacement sexual partner ?

@pdiddydid

And there it is.

Here you have a man who comes on and from the beginning says his girlfriend says he lacks empathy, doesn't support her emotionally, argues with her a lot, doesn't do his share at home - but he wants to know why she won't have passionate sex with him every day. (His answered his own question but anyway.)

Doesn't want to know how to support her emotionally or show empathy but does want to know why she won't indulge his kink.

Then throws in casually that she's been raped. But also can't understand why she would find a slap on the bum gropey.

You should absolutely be ending the relationship and allowing her to find someone who fulfils her emotionally as well as sexually.

I've not actually said half the things you are acusing me off. You've taken a 25 page thread out of context and mashed it together for your agenda

@EarthSight

Every time someone uses the word 'Vanilla', I just think 'twat'.

If 'normal' 'boring' sex isn't for you, that's fine, but this 'vanilla' term is so often used to describe sex that isn't BDSM or violent porn inspired.

The sex I have is vanilla. I would like more experimentation and spontaneity. I am not into porn or bdsm. There is a middle ground you know.

@Ac198
You really need to just not react to some of these ridiculous and hysterical posts.
MN can be like that.

@pdiddydid

And there it is.

Here you have a man who comes on and from the beginning says his girlfriend says he lacks empathy, doesn't support her emotionally, argues with her a lot, doesn't do his share at home - but he wants to know why she won't have passionate sex with him every day. (His answered his own question but anyway.)

Doesn't want to know how to support her emotionally or show empathy but does want to know why she won't indulge his kink.

Then throws in casually that she's been raped. But also can't understand why she would find a slap on the bum gropey.

You should absolutely be ending the relationship and allowing her to find someone who fulfils her emotionally as well as sexually.

@pdiddydid

Yep. This was piece of information was so MASSIVE it should have been in the very first post.....but he knew that I suspect and didn't mention it because he was more interested in getting what he wanted from someone who is clearly still traumatized.

Again, I'm very sympathetic towards anyone who's in a low or no sex relationship, or in one where their partner just isn't enthusiastic about the same things they are or not affectionate, but the OP just made himself look truly terrible by throwing this fact about his partner out there several posts in. I hope they break up and she finds some peace somehow.

I think pdiddy has summarised what you said. What do you think is inaccurate in her summary?

@Wearywithteens

So the final denouement is that she’s psychologically traumatised from previous sexual assault but still manages to put her game face on 2-3 times a week for her partner of 10 years who is looking for validation and an ego stroke (slow hand clap for all those who lined up to give it) to dump the boring selfish woman because she isn’t dressing up and ‘performing’ and titillating him enough sexually.

What a grim, sordid, squalid story. Poor woman.

We have no idea if she has any long term trauma. That is an assumption.

I know this person a lot better than you do. She is tough and strong.

Things impact people in different ways. And they also learn to move on and deal with things, compartmentalise so they can enjoy the rest of their lives.

The fact she had no ill feelings towards this person would suggest she dealt with it in some way.

Also I don't think it is on her mind in every subsequent sexual experience since

@Wearywithteens

These ‘my wife doesn’t enjoy sex’ threads always have the same misogynist, selfishness at the heart of them. Every single time.

Yeah always. Nail on head

The fact that she finds you touching her gropey, doesn't orgasm and cant talk about sex could suggest she has not dealt with it. Inconvenient as that is you cant make this all go awaybjusy because its horrid to think about and gets in the way of what you want

Op your own agenda has not been truthful.
If you wish to part with your partner, do so.

I hope she will be ok, direct her to mumsnet if she needs online support.
Please don't blame her though for the break up, her sexual performance or her ability not to 'give out' enough.

Some people in life are stayers and some are leavers.
Nothing wrong with that, you are a leaver but be aware sometimes when the shine wears off any future relationships you may one day regret losing her.
I would not let sex be your only reason.

Your choice.

[quote BigButtons]@Ac198
You really need to just not react to some of these ridiculous and hysterical posts.
MN can be like that.[/quote]
hysterical ?

There are some people who shout 'abuse' at everything under the sun, but a lot of people here a rightly concerned about this women.

The fact you used the word 'hysterical' is questionable. Are you sure you didn't mean to post in Reddit?

@EarthSight

Every time someone uses the word 'Vanilla', I just think 'twat'.

If 'normal' 'boring' sex isn't for you, that's fine, but this 'vanilla' term is so often used to describe sex that isn't BDSM or violent porn inspired.

I've never used that word before. Actually lifted it from previous posts as it seems to be the vogue language of the board.

Useful contribution though.

I never said anything about violent sex. In fact the opposite, something more intense, passionate and intimate. Not just a porn pounding

*She is happy to cuddle.

We argue a fair bit about various things.*

*She just seems to resent me and the things I don't do

I think my girlfriend may be asexual

If we pass on the kitchen and I touch her bum to be playful she hates it and has described it as gropping*

Sex is key for me. But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship.
*
We have argued a lot. She would say i don't emotionally support her and that I lack empathy.
*
*I admit I could do more to help her out.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation*

She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning.

All your own words op. But hey, you keep up with your lack of emotional intelligence and keep telling us we're wrong about your girlfriends sexual trauma. You clearly know best so why bother.

[quote BigButtons]@Ac198
You really need to just not react to some of these ridiculous and hysterical posts.
MN can be like that.[/quote]
I can't not reply its so provoking.

They don't take the whole picture into account. And just looking to demonise me for wanting a more intense sexual experience.