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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:

pdiddydid · 02/02/2021 20:48

Excellent response. Really shows insight into your lack of intelligence and desire to just wind people up. The word 'gropey' outed you as an idiot.

Certainly showed some insight here into why your partner resents you.

EmptyOrchestra · 02/02/2021 20:59

But essentially rape however long it lasted.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I hope all those who were staunchly defending this man feel pretty stupid now.

Your partner was raped and now she’s having sex 2-3 times a week that she doesn’t want?

You are repellant.

BubblyBarbara · 02/02/2021 21:08

started from the bottom

Behave

zigzog44 · 02/02/2021 21:18

If the episode where a man tried to enter her anally had a traumatic effect on OP’s partner, then why were they having sex all the time in the early days of their relationship, why was she waking him up in the night for sex, if that experience had changed how she felt about sex?

foxhat · 02/02/2021 21:21

She may have been trying to get over it in her own way. There is no standard reaction to rape.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:37

[quote Changeispossible]@Ac198

I read all of your comments OP and some of the others. I didn’t have time to read every single post but I feel I should give my perspective.

This sentence you wrote stands out for me so very much:

Its gotten worse but was never great except maybe for thr first 2 months were she couldn't get enough of me

This proves she isn’t asexual.

I don’t know her or enough about your relationship to be certain but I can tell you that I went completely off sex in my marriage. I too stopped him doing certain things (despite being interested in prior relationships & with him in the earlier days). I too was very enthusiastic in the beginning and I too had the traumatic experience of having a penis put in me by someone I was seeing ‘without prior warning.’ I too felt my ex didn’t empathise with me. He too felt I didn’t appreciate what he did & that I pointed out what he didn’t. He too groped or touched me at times when I just didn’t want it but I accept fully what you say - I’d love to feel safe enough in a relationship to do all of those things you wrote about.

My waning interest in sex with my ex was a symptom of how much love, respect & trust had been lost. I don’t mean trust as in cheating but rather that amazing feeling of someone having your back, getting you, empathising etc.

I know you’re focused on sex but I’d say the whole relationship is in trouble. You could seek counselling together or you could break up but either way, you’ll need to communicate with her.

I hope some of this helps. I had to write as I could relate to your GF so much - & I’m far from asexual. I was just very unhappy & didn’t feel fully loved, valued & safe.

Good luck OP. I’m separated now & lonely etc. but it can be done. There’s life out there, whatever you choose to do.[/quote]
Thanks for sharing this.

My point that you mentioned stood out, I had perhaps thought she used this period at the start to entice me and then felt let down when she wasn't even half that way.

Again selfish. But its a thought process I have had that maybe some women entice you with a false sexual appetite at the start?

Sorry to hear about what happened to you.

May I ask how old you are and how long you have been single? Do you think if you met someone you could trust them and be physical?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:40

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

OP, you shouldn't be abandoning your hopes and dreams of being a Dad.

At 35 you are a prime catch!

You can't settle for shared furniture when you could be involved in reciprocal passion and physical affection.

I hope you are right!!!!

I do wonder if I'd still like kids, or if I have conditioned myself to amend my feelings in this relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:45

@AnotherEmma

I really can't imagine how I would feel or react. Of course I can't.

When she told me it was many years ago and when we were both drunk. She never mentioned it again. She has also been spiked twice and no idea what happened to her. But she won't talk about these things and told me not to ask.

Also when she told me this was obviously after our honeymoon period so perhaps naively I have thought it does not impact her.

I know she's had a few partners and had a few questionable situations. Sometimes a partner does not want to know the details

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 21:46

@zigzog44

Yes I wonder what's changed for her too.
Has she ever discussed this episode with you OP?

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 21:47

Ah cross posted OP! You've answered my question.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:48

[quote Onthedunes]@tigerlily20

Sadly I think there may be truth in this although I think op has commanded his audience admirably. [/quote]
If so I doubt it come on a woman dominated platform. I wanted genuine honesty and tend to trust a female opinion in many matters.

I wouldn't get much sense out of most of my male mates.

OP posts:

Changeispossible · 02/02/2021 21:49

@Ac198
I think women, like men, are various. I didn’t entice my ex with a false sexual appetite but who’s to say that some men & women don’t entice with all kinds of false selves in the early days.

Thanks. I’m trying not to let it define me but it had a huge effect.

I think I could definitely be physical again in a very loving, monogamous, soulful relationship but I don’t think I could be physical outside of a loving relationship, which would have been easier for me before I accumulated hurts.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:49

@EmptyOrchestra

But essentially rape however long it lasted.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I hope all those who were staunchly defending this man feel pretty stupid now.

Your partner was raped and now she’s having sex 2-3 times a week that she doesn’t want?

You are repellant.

Again she initiates it. So I hardly not wanting it. The issues is its vanilla.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:50

@zigzog44

Similar thought process to me on this point

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 21:52

That's tricky. Impossible to know or understand how something affects your partner if she's unable to discuss it openly with you. Do you know whether she's talked to anyone about these things? Or just bottled them up?

foxhat · 02/02/2021 21:55

What are you suggesting OP? That being raped was not that big a deal to her? That this means she must have 'got over it'? Either way, wide of the mark I'd think and horrible for any survivors of abuse and rape to read.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:56

I don't think she's told anyone.

Sadly I don't think its that uncommon. I know a few girls who have had a penis shoved up their bum mid sex, or a stray finger. Trying there luck.

I used to play football and heard a lot of lad stories as well, and you'd be shocked at the things I've heard. The 'cheeky finger' one being very prevalent along with the 'surprise facial'.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2021 21:57

You are indeed naive to assume that her previous sexual experiences are not affecting her, just because the two of you enjoyed good sex in the beginning.

They might be affecting her and they might not. If she won't talk to you about it, there's no way to know, but you can't assume it's not an issue.

Female sexuality is a complex thing (male sexuality might be too, I don't know!) and she might only feel safe with "vanilla" sex (as you describe it) that she instigates. She might have enjoyed sex with you in the beginning but felt some insecurity creeping in that has been holding her back. Who knows.

I would suggest that if you really want to understand your partner, and to find out if the two of you can make things work better (in terms of your relationship in general as well as the sex), you could ask her if she would be willing to try couple's counselling. If she doesn't want to try, or she agrees but doesn't engage, or if it just doesn't work, you should end the relationship.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 21:59

@foxhat

Not at all. Honestly I don't know what to think of it. It makes me angry so I shut it out to be honest. I have no real idea how or if it still impacts her. And given our communication I never will.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 02/02/2021 22:00

l think she won't talk about with OP because he's too closed. All he wants is a 'solution' i.e. more exciting sex. She knows him well, there's a reason she's not telling him.

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 22:02

@MrsBrunch

l think she won't talk about with OP because he's too closed. All he wants is a 'solution' i.e. more exciting sex. She knows him well, there's a reason she's not telling him.

Too simplified. She would have told me at the start. We have not been like this from day one.

We wouldn't have had the life we have had if she didn't initially like and trust me and all the things that go with it

OP posts:

Colourmeclear · 02/02/2021 22:03

Alternating periods of hypersexuality and aversion are common to victims of sexual abuse. It's not a 'trick', it's not an indication that her trauma couldn't have been that bad, it's a trauma response coming from a place of serious hurt.

MrsBrunch · 02/02/2021 22:03

Trying there luck

You mean raping. Unwanted penetration is rape OP, don't be shy about naming it.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 22:06

I think this is good advice.

PistachioPudding · 02/02/2021 22:15

Jesus. OP, you say you love your girlfriend. Show her. Go and do some reading about the potential impacts of sexual assault on people's emotions, behaviours and attitudes towards their body and physical relationships. This can be very different for everyone, but there are many support services with excellent web pages and information that can be a starting point. Do some reading about how to best support survivors of sexual assault. Think carefully and empathically about how you think your girlfriend's past experiences might have affected her feelings and behaviours about her self, her self worth and her body. Noone here can tell you. She might have been so traumatised that she can't tell you either. But as has been pretty clear from the early parts of this thread, there is a lot more going on here than just a sexual incompatibility. She may well benefit from professional support. You may also benefit from some professional support.

Man up, OP. Stop thinking about the sex you aren't getting and start thinking about the person behind your girlfriend's body.

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