Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

Your enthusiam for op dicarding his partner kind of shouts out.

You are a second partner and may be giving him an idealised view that to start again is defintely the right path to getting sex and more varied sex.

Your perspective may not include the view of someone who has been in a long relationship. Sorry if I caused offence but longevity in a relationship is huge factor.

Women are much more likely to be compliant in the wishes and demands of men in the early days/years of a relationship.

@LouJ85

Sorry my last post was addressed to you.

*Your enthusiam for op dicarding his partner kind of shouts out.

You are a second partner and may be giving him an idealised view that to start again is defintely the right path to getting sex and more varied sex.

Your perspective may not include the view of someone who has been in a long relationship. Sorry if I caused offence but longevity in a relationship is huge factor.

Women are much more likely to be compliant in the wishes and demands of men in the early days/years of a relationship.*

Ok. Where to start with this one...

Firstly, my focus throughout this thread has been to normalise the OP's feelings and desire, assure him he is indeed not the "sex pest" he's been labelled as at various points, and to encourage him to try to talk and communicate with his partner (which in a recent post he said he would try through letter writing since she refuses to engage in spoken communication). So no - I haven't just jumped to "discard her". But I equally recognise that if she shuts down every attempt he makes to communicate about the issue, it may be futile to continue down this line. Thus, perhaps, they are just a sexually incompatible couple. I did suggest that OP awaits the outcome of his letter to her before he makes this decision, however.

I am a "second partner"? Define second partner? I've had previous relationships prior to the one I'm in now, yes. One longer term that made me very unhappy, some shorter term ones that didn't work out, and my current one which is my most successful because my partner and I are compatible in all the right ways (sexually and otherwise), which was absent in my previous relationships.

Do please show me a verbatim quote of mine, that gives the OP "an idealised view" of starting again?

I'm not sure what the comment regarding women's compliance is about. It's not in my nature to be "compliant" sexually - I'm a sexual being in my own right and I assert my needs and desires in the same way my partner does. There's no compliance on either part. That's not how we work. Never have, not even in the early days. We just both wanted each other (and still do, 7 years later).

FYI - I'm also currently 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby, and I want him more than ever.

All that said- I'm not sure this dissection of my own relationship experience is massively helpful to the OP.

@Onthedunes

Your enthusiam for op dicarding his partner kind of shouts out.

You are a second partner and may be giving him an idealised view that to start again is defintely the right path to getting sex and more varied sex.

Your perspective may not include the view of someone who has been in a long relationship. Sorry if I caused offence but longevity in a relationship is huge factor.

Women are much more likely to be compliant in the wishes and demands of men in the early days/years of a relationship.

The path he's in isn't going to give him what he wants is it? And talking about women being compliant?

I have been with my DH 20 years, things are as good now as they were then, if not better. If things in the bedroom aren't working for both partners then it's a big problem - the OP has tried to talk to his DP and she repeatedly shuts him down, I don't see what other options he has?

@LouJ85

I think what I am trying to purvey is the op came to this board on the pretext of asking how to make his sex life better whist remaining and continuing his current long term relationship.
Some posters stated no point, move on the grass is greener on the other side.

I do think some of these problems will still exist if he moves on, maybe not initially but sometimes looking outwardly towards your partner being the problem may not always be the case.
Problems can travel with you.

[quote Onthedunes]@LouJ85

I think what I am trying to purvey is the op came to this board on the pretext of asking how to make his sex life better whist remaining and continuing his current long term relationship.
Some posters stated no point, move on the grass is greener on the other side.

I do think some of these problems will still exist if he moves on, maybe not initially but sometimes looking outwardly towards your partner being the problem may not always be the case.
Problems can travel with you.[/quote]

Some posters may have stated that - I didn't. I said that if she is point blank refusing to discuss the issues in order to help him understand or resolve them, then perhaps it is futile. And that perhaps if he left, he would have a shot at finding a sexually compatible partner. That's a vastly different message to "just fuck her off, OP, the grass is definitely greener on the other side".

Yes, sometimes problems in relationships reflect a person's own ingrained personality traits and therefore are likely to follow them into future relationships. However, that's certainly not what I'm getting from any of the OP's posts, the most obvious example to contradict this being the fact he references having had previous sexually fulfilling relationships. Thus suggesting that it is indeed entirely possible for him to move on and find someone who is more matched to him and his sexual desires.

Could it be that she's just shy? You say that you were very sexually active when you started dating. I always found when I was in the honeymoon phase in a relationship I've always been a lot more confident & when the honeymoon phase eases off I would lose confidence & become a bit more reserved.

Maybe you should suggest taking a break from sex for a few weeks to get rid of the pressure & expectation & see how she responds to that.

Does she want kids & is just wanting sex to try to conceive? You seem to be dodging that question from previous posters so maybe there is an issue there that your not telling us about?

I think it’s really important OP that you said earlier almost as a throw away comment ‘she acts sometimes like she hates you’ — why would this be? I don’t like sex much but I don’t act as if I hate someone— do you mean because she’s doesn’t seem that physical? Or in other ways? It’s a big leap from someone acting as if they hate you to you presuming that simply because they aren’t enthusiastic about sex. What does she do outside of sex that you feel shows ‘she acts as if she hates you’ — because if it’s not sex related, it may actually be sadly that she doesn’t like you that much anymore, in which case she most definitely isn’t going to be very enthused about sex.

I am not critising you, that is what worked for you and your partner.

I personally don't believe this woman wouldn't initiate sex 3 x week if she did not want him. Quite frankly it sounds as if he is bored with her, and in my mind unrightly so seeing as she has never been sexually satified.

I know for a fact my husband would not have entertained having sex with me unless I had climaxed. My needs would have been paramount before his, he loved that the fact that he was very capable and would have worried if that had not happened I could have been tempted elsewhere.

I really don't know of any man that would question on a forum and state he was un sure if his partner had ever climaxed.

Why would that be any different him going into another relationship.

@Onthedunes have you missed the bits where OP has repeatedly said she won't allow him to touch her or even discuss her orgasm? Or that she doesn't explore her own body? He can't be as your DH (or many's DHs) if he can't do the work to get her there

[quote MoreMorelos]@Onthedunes have you missed the bits where OP has repeatedly said she won't allow him to touch her or even discuss her orgasm? Or that she doesn't explore her own body? He can't be as your DH (or many's DHs) if he can't do the work to get her there[/quote]

Yes I do think this has been missed, by several posters!

Why would that be any different him going into another relationship.

Well, the evidence suggests that it has been different for him in past relationships, presumably because he had more sexually compatible partners. So there's every reason to believe it would be different with a new partner.

They kid question. I always wanted kids she never did from the start. Now I don't want kids due to my age and relationship.

Those that have asked about abuse i would say no. I know she went out a lot when she was younger and got drunk a lot. And this led to a few bad situations. She's also had a few relationships and partners. She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning. But never discussed it any further.

She has also said that she has never argued with any of her exs.

What are you thinking you're going to do OP? Has any of this helped?

She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning.

This is not the sort of thing you warn someone about. Instead you check out whether it's something they want or not. If not, it's rape.

I would leave in this situation

I left my exh after 10 years of being together and minimal bad sex

When I met my now DH it was a revelation. We’ve been together now 5 years and have probably had more sex in those years than all my life prior. And it’s decent sex.

Life is to short for bad unloving sex , especially when no kids involved

@foxhat

She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning.

This is not the sort of thing you warn someone about. Instead you check out whether it's something they want or not. If not, it's rape.

Well yeah thats what I meant. I didn't really know how to put it. But essentially rape however long it lasted.

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

What are you thinking you're going to do OP? Has any of this helped?

I think I know I have to leave and will arrange it in the coming weeks and months.

If your wife has been raped then sex can be very, very complicated. Makes complete sense of her not wanting you to show affection and desire through touching her bum. I think there are some very deep-rooted issues here. Perhaps for both of you given that you've not mentioned this before. Perhaps it's hard to make sense of for yourself too? How do you show desire and affection without triggering trauma memories from when someone used her body for their own satisfaction with no regard for her wellbeing? Do you think sex therapy might help?

@Ac198

I read all of your comments OP and some of the others. I didn’t have time to read every single post but I feel I should give my perspective.

This sentence you wrote stands out for me so very much:

Its gotten worse but was never great except maybe for thr first 2 months were she couldn't get enough of me

This proves she isn’t asexual.

I don’t know her or enough about your relationship to be certain but I can tell you that I went completely off sex in my marriage. I too stopped him doing certain things (despite being interested in prior relationships & with him in the earlier days). I too was very enthusiastic in the beginning and I too had the traumatic experience of having a penis put in me by someone I was seeing ‘without prior warning.’ I too felt my ex didn’t empathise with me. He too felt I didn’t appreciate what he did & that I pointed out what he didn’t. He too groped or touched me at times when I just didn’t want it but I accept fully what you say - I’d love to feel safe enough in a relationship to do all of those things you wrote about.

My waning interest in sex with my ex was a symptom of how much love, respect & trust had been lost. I don’t mean trust as in cheating but rather that amazing feeling of someone having your back, getting you, empathising etc.

I know you’re focused on sex but I’d say the whole relationship is in trouble. You could seek counselling together or you could break up but either way, you’ll need to communicate with her.

I hope some of this helps. I had to write as I could relate to your GF so much - & I’m far from asexual. I was just very unhappy & didn’t feel fully loved, valued & safe.

Good luck OP. I’m separated now & lonely etc. but it can be done. There’s life out there, whatever you choose to do.

I didn’t want to watch porn DVDs to ‘get me in the mood ‘ (this was the 80’s

DVD’s weren’t around in the eighties

OP, you shouldn't be abandoning your hopes and dreams of being a Dad.

At 35 you are a prime catch!

You can't settle for shared furniture when you could be involved in reciprocal passion and physical affection.

@Ac198

They kid question. I always wanted kids she never did from the start. Now I don't want kids due to my age and relationship.

Those that have asked about abuse i would say no. I know she went out a lot when she was younger and got drunk a lot. And this led to a few bad situations. She's also had a few relationships and partners. She has once mentioned that one put his penis in her bum without prior warning. But never discussed it any further.

She has also said that she has never argued with any of her exs.

We're on page 24 and NOW you mention that she was anally raped?! You didn't think that might be relevant at all?!

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Think about it OP, if you had been anally raped how would you feel about sex?!

started from the bottom but eventually got down to the facts. sadly I think op is just looking for people to justify his reasons to leave his gf rather than looking for an actual solution.

@tigerlily20

Sadly I think there may be truth in this although I think op has commanded his audience admirably.