Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@Ac198

I think I was spolt I 2 previous relationships and perhaps it's warped my expectations

You got lucky being with 2 people with whom you were sexually compatible, that's all. You and your current partner are not sexually -or emotionally compatible by the sounds of it. Wanting intimacy, wanting touch, admiring your lover's body are all healthy and normal. They matter to many many people.

Unless she is prepared to discuss this with you and try and find a way forward then you are at a dead end here and the misery will worsen.

There is no blame here but you are not suited and cannot fullfill each other's needs.
The reasons don't matter.
Not everyone is a match.
10 years is a pretty long time to give it a go- too long I would say.
You seem very reluctant to cut your losses though.
Something has to give here.
You have to be honest with her about how you are feeling and what you need. This has to be done with out emotion or apportioning blame. A letter is a good idea initially as you can think carefully about the wording and the message.
You can word it in a way that lets her off the hook " I don't think i am the right person for you. I don't feel I meet your needs or make you happy" .
I would go down that line and she what she says in response.
Put your cards on the table. She might put hers on too. If she doesn't then you have your answer.

Would it be better to have quality over quantity sex? Two to three times a week is a lot of she's not into it. She may have more enthusiasm abs not see it so much as a chore if you do it less often

@Ac198

I think I was spolt I 2 previous relationships and perhaps it's warped my expectations

I wouldn't say "warped". That makes it sound as though there's something wrong with your desire for reciprocated intimacy. There absolutely is not. It's just that maybe this isn't the relationship you're going to find that in, anymore.

@norwegianwoodpecker

Would it be better to have quality over quantity sex? Two to three times a week is a lot of she's not into it. She may have more enthusiasm abs not see it so much as a chore if you do it less often

She's the one who initiates, OP has said.
However I do agree that he shouldn't entertain it this often - as I said previously I'd be inclined not to respond to my partner's advances if I knew it was going to feel forced or not wanted on his part.

@BigButtons

Exactly I got lucky previously and I'm scared I'll end up alone forever. Which is very selfish.

Our lives are so entwined that it will be hard to break up. We have a nice house, each others family, many other ties.

I'm scared. I don't own anything of my own except clothes. I haven't spoken to a woman in a date way for a decade.

I feel a failure to be starting again at 35. Who would want me etc etc.

The whole thing is a mess. Also I dont want to hurt her and cause her pain or embarrassment. Also I'll be making her leave her home too potentially.

All because I want to have sex. It makes me feel awful

To expand on my previous post- I thought this about leaving my ex-husband, we'd been together 15 years and our lives were do entwined. It wasn't easy but it is possible.

I was 32 when I separated from my ex, dating was hard at first- but it was a lot of fun too!

It's not fair to you or to her to stay together because you're scared of being alone- that is selfish.

Please end it. Being rejected and unfulfilled will destroy you from personal experience.

Wanting sex is normal for the majority of the planet. Especially with someone who will make it their mission to ensure you have fun even if orgasm is impossible. I would argue for a lot of people that although it isn't a 'need' in the same way you need food and shelter, it is a need in order to be content and fulfilled.

There are other women out there who will make you happier. Both me and my current boyfriend had horrendous sex lives in our last relationships, to the point we both hit on the idea of trying to suppress any sexual desires to avoid rejection. It made both of us miserable, however it has also made what we have together even more fun and fulfilling. We have discussed moving in together and it turns out both of us were worried that it would mean the other would stop wanting sex. This could be you and your future partner! Deliriously happy, relaxed, lots of sex and constant touching and affection whenever we walk past each other.

Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't enjoy being with you and argues for point scoring when you could be happy.

[quote Ac198]@BigButtons

Exactly I got lucky previously and I'm scared I'll end up alone forever. Which is very selfish.

Our lives are so entwined that it will be hard to break up. We have a nice house, each others family, many other ties.

I'm scared. I don't own anything of my own except clothes. I haven't spoken to a woman in a date way for a decade.

I feel a failure to be starting again at 35. Who would want me etc etc.

The whole thing is a mess. Also I dont want to hurt her and cause her pain or embarrassment. Also I'll be making her leave her home too potentially.

All because I want to have sex. It makes me feel awful[/quote]
I get that it feels scary after a decade with someone to think about stating again, OP. But it doesn't make you a failure to do so. Sometimes relations have just run their course and it's no one's fault - it's just that two people aren't compatible anymore.

Can you see how the letter idea goes and then make your decision, depending on how she responds to that?

[quote Ac198]@BigButtons

Exactly I got lucky previously and I'm scared I'll end up alone forever. Which is very selfish.

Our lives are so entwined that it will be hard to break up. We have a nice house, each others family, many other ties.

I'm scared. I don't own anything of my own except clothes. I haven't spoken to a woman in a date way for a decade.

I feel a failure to be starting again at 35. Who would want me etc etc.

The whole thing is a mess. Also I dont want to hurt her and cause her pain or embarrassment. Also I'll be making her leave her home too potentially.

All because I want to have sex. It makes me feel awful[/quote]
That made me laugh. A failure at 35 I'm 35! And happier now than I've ever been in my entire adult life.

[quote Ac198]@BigButtons

Exactly I got lucky previously and I'm scared I'll end up alone forever. Which is very selfish.

Our lives are so entwined that it will be hard to break up. We have a nice house, each others family, many other ties.

I'm scared. I don't own anything of my own except clothes. I haven't spoken to a woman in a date way for a decade.

I feel a failure to be starting again at 35. Who would want me etc etc.

The whole thing is a mess. Also I dont want to hurt her and cause her pain or embarrassment. Also I'll be making her leave her home too potentially.

All because I want to have sex. It makes me feel awful[/quote]
You're only 35! I'm 33 with 3 kids and hope that if my relationship didn't work out down the line I'd meet someone else. It's pretty standard these days to break up in mid-life.

And everyone's lives are entwined, that's part of being in a relationship. But it's never impossible to split. You sell the house, lean on your loved ones and start again.

One thing you haven't raised (or I haven't seen) is whether either of you want kids. Obviously at 35 you're at a crucial age for fertility (at least she is). So whilst I wouldn't stay together just to have kids, it's something to consider.

I guess your options are

1. keep trying to talk about it - likely to fail
2. accept your sex life as it is
3. break up.

Both me and my current boyfriend had horrendous sex lives in our last relationships, to the point we both hit on the idea of trying to suppress any sexual desires to avoid rejection. It made both of us miserable, however it has also made what we have together even more fun and fulfilling.

Exact same. I could have written this myself.

[quote Ac198]@BigButtons

Exactly I got lucky previously and I'm scared I'll end up alone forever. Which is very selfish.

Our lives are so entwined that it will be hard to break up. We have a nice house, each others family, many other ties.

I'm scared. I don't own anything of my own except clothes. I haven't spoken to a woman in a date way for a decade.

I feel a failure to be starting again at 35. Who would want me etc etc.

The whole thing is a mess. Also I dont want to hurt her and cause her pain or embarrassment. Also I'll be making her leave her home too potentially.

All because I want to have sex. It makes me feel awful[/quote]
@Ac198 I get that it's hard I really do.
Yes it will be painful and difficult BUT staying how you are will also be increasingly painful and difficult and isn't sustainable.
This isn't just about sex, it's wanting loving, reciprocal sex with your partner. Feeling connected, feeling loved.

That is healthy and normal.
What you have now is neither of those things.

Being in a relationship where you don't feel loved, appreciated and validated does take a toll your self esteem that is why you are feeling negatively about yourself. This is a normal reaction to what has been going on for 10 years.

The failure would be not listening to and acting on your own basic and reasonable needs.
I am in my 50's and have newish partner of 2 years. No way are you past your sell by date.
People find new partners all the time.
Can I ask why you don't own anything but your clothes. Surely the house and contents are jointly owned ?
In some ways it would be easier if all you had were the clothes on your back and money to buy/ rent somewhere once the house was sold.

I think this is a very strange situation and people are being a bit hard on you op. It’s very odd that she was basically hyper sexual at the start of your relationship but as soon as you were committed and moved in together this dramatic changed happened. Has she experienced some trauma in her past perhaps? A rape or sexual assault? I know you most likely don’t know as she won’t talk but it’s something to think about.
I am amazed it has dragged on for 10 years.. it sounds so depressing. Personally I would leave. There is clearly something going on with her that she can’t bring herself to tell you. 35 is really not too old to start again.

@BigButtons literally everything in the house was purchased 50 50. So I would only take things they had any meaning to me.

I often think about a house to myself. I love the idea of space and freedom despite the scary idea of being lonely.

In some ways it would be great to stay in touch with my gf if we break up. But I can't expect that.

I just think we'd work better if we lived separately which is crazy after 10 years I know.

"I feel I have lost all sexual confidence in myself and my ability."

Do not underestimate the damage this will have caused you.

My DP was in a similar relationship. His ex was very much like your GF. He tried everything to sort it out and he did more than his share around the house etc, it was never appreciated. In the end he told her he wasn't trying to fix it anymore as he got so fed up of it. He said if she wanted to sort it, it was her turn. She did nothing.

They limped on for years like this. Now he's with me, he can see how different it is. But his past has affected him a lot and you shouldn't underestimate the affect it has. It's not worth the damage it will do.

Unfortunately you need to accept that she does not want the type of sex life that you do, ever, and clearly isn't prepared to meet you half way or even have a discussion around it. This is too big an issue and it will continue to eat away at your relationship.

I think it’s also important to add the grass isn’t always greener, finding someone likeminded is possible but it’s not to say you’ll click personality wise.
However, you’re clearly not happy. Your partner doesn’t see it as an issue and even though you’ve raised this numerous times, nothings changed, so you either raise it again and let your partner know that it is an issue for you and if things don’t change, you’ll be prepared to leave, or you accept things as they are and focus on the good of your relationship, neither decision is easy.
You have been together for 10 years now and you should be able to communicate and listen to each other. It seems though that you’re no longer compatible and/or there are other problems in the marriage that need addressing, ie the arguing, (this could well be due to resentment on both sides!)
You seem a genuinely caring partner but only you can decide what you want in the long run.

@NotMyPremium is right, this has damaged you and will damage you further the longer you drag this out for. As my boyfriend and I have similar experiences, we immediately say if something has made us feel insecure and we talk about and resolve it. It feels strange because we aren't used to being able to talk still, but it's clearly working with how happy we are.

It does highlight how much damage was done, he over apologises for anything, like accidentally leaning on my hair, I have to psych myself up to say some things. Both of us are working on everything though, and very slowly undoing the damage together.

@NotMyPremium

"I feel I have lost all sexual confidence in myself and my ability."

Do not underestimate the damage this will have caused you.

My DP was in a similar relationship. His ex was very much like your GF. He tried everything to sort it out and he did more than his share around the house etc, it was never appreciated. In the end he told her he wasn't trying to fix it anymore as he got so fed up of it. He said if she wanted to sort it, it was her turn. She did nothing.

They limped on for years like this. Now he's with me, he can see how different it is. But his past has affected him a lot and you shouldn't underestimate the affect it has. It's not worth the damage it will do.

Unfortunately you need to accept that she does not want the type of sex life that you do, ever, and clearly isn't prepared to meet you half way or even have a discussion around it. This is too big an issue and it will continue to eat away at your relationship.

Great post. Totally agree.

Mate, knock it on the head. Sorry.

This is such a frustrating thread [Sceptical]

Ok op masses of comments and I should imagine you are no closer to a decision. So do you jack it all in for the chance of finding a sexually compatable partner or stay?

What I can say is I think these problems may follow you, initially not, but as any relationship progresses you are going to find a waning of sexual enthusiam. Why is this you may ask? ...........

You have been together 10 years and you are asking questions about sex. You state you are not sure whether she has experienced orgasms.
I personally think it's a bit late in the day to ask this question.

You have muddled along for 10 years, house mortgage everthing a relationship requires yet the fundamental basics of pleasing your partner has escaped you. The spicing up and titilation you require is perfectly fine, it's the normal up's and down of a long term relationship and to be expected. Waxing and waning of interest, time and energy.

I don't think this is sexual incompatability, I think it is sexual incompetance. I don't wish to sound rude but neither your partner or you have investigated her pleasure, this should have happened within at least the first 5 years.
I think its too late, you now have the added problem of emotional problems, such as resentment and entitlement.
Your partner will not be able to open up and feel safe enough to experiment any further.

@LouJ85

It would be interesting to know how long you have been with your partner and if there is an age difference.?

[quote Onthedunes]@LouJ85

It would be interesting to know how long you have been with your partner and if there is an age difference.?[/quote]

Sorry, how is that relevant or helpful to the OP?

I ended my 18 year marriage for similar reasons. It wasn’t just that we were mismatched sexually - it didn’t bother me for years & years that it always the same position, same routine as I loved him and he was a fantastic partner and father. It was not feeling desired that ground me down - not feeling that sensuality and passion from him.
It wasn’t just because of the sex but I did end the marriage in my late ‘40’s. I met someone soon after who I had incredible chemistry with, it was amazing but he wasn’t a good partner so I ended it after 2 years. I’m almost 4 years post divorce and haven’t met anyone who is both a good person and who I am sexually compatible with and I’m not sure I ever will to be honest. I’ve had to accept that at my age, these men are taken! However, at 35 you stand a very good chance of meeting someone with all the qualities you are looking for.
I wish wort all my heart my exH and I had been compatible or that I could have settled - but I had a high sex drive and wanted more from that side of life (amongst other things, but that was probably 2nd on the list of problems).
It tore me apart to be honest but you only have one life and I can almost guarantee you that in 10 years time if not before it’ll become something you absolutely cannot ignore.

It was not feeling desired that ground me down - not feeling that sensuality and passion from him.

Yes. I get this totally, I felt this from my ex partner. Just not wanted or desired. It does grind you down.

@Notanotherfreak

I ended my 18 year marriage for similar reasons. It wasn’t just that we were mismatched sexually - it didn’t bother me for years & years that it always the same position, same routine as I loved him and he was a fantastic partner and father. It was not feeling desired that ground me down - not feeling that sensuality and passion from him. It wasn’t just because of the sex but I did end the marriage in my late ‘40’s. I met someone soon after who I had incredible chemistry with, it was amazing but he wasn’t a good partner so I ended it after 2 years. I’m almost 4 years post divorce and haven’t met anyone who is both a good person and who I am sexually compatible with and I’m not sure I ever will to be honest. I’ve had to accept that at my age, these men are taken! However, at 35 you stand a very good chance of meeting someone with all the qualities you are looking for. I wish wort all my heart my exH and I had been compatible or that I could have settled - but I had a high sex drive and wanted more from that side of life (amongst other things, but that was probably 2nd on the list of problems). It tore me apart to be honest but you only have one life and I can almost guarantee you that in 10 years time if not before it’ll become something you absolutely cannot ignore.

Thank you for sharing this.

I think you will meet someone!