Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@Ac198 - You’ve been together for 10 years, what was the relationship like in the early days, has she ever liked foreplay? Been enthusiastic about sex?

@LouJ85 I'm relating his language throughout about her body, what he wants to do to it, how she moves or doesn't move, during and not during sex etc to his porn consumption. It's not a great stretch to imagine men who consistently focus on their partners body and not the whole woman as porn addled. I'm afraid there are millions of them out there, that isn't a revelation to anyone. If that's not him, great! What I said was it sounds like he expects a performance and I can imagine she doesn't want to put one on. There are women out there who love all that, why not go find one?

Honestly though, she is having and initiating sex with him twice a week. Is that really a sexless relationship?!

[quote zigzog44]@Ac198 - You’ve been together for 10 years, what was the relationship like in the early days, has she ever liked foreplay? Been enthusiastic about sex?[/quote]
Right at the start before we moved in together it was sex at every opportunity. 5 times a night, she'd wake me up in the middle of the night etc.

Never been much foreplay.

She'll often start now by giving me 'a hand job'.

But the lust vanished when we moved in together.

We have been to some amazing holidays and stayed in great hotels and the stage seems set. But still its this lacklustre approach. No showers together etc. Sex under the covers, won't let me see her in the room in her bikini.

• I'm literally one of the cleanest people imaginable. In fact I'm more likely to be mocked for my hygiene regime as opposed to lacking cleanliness.

Come on guys. Its not high school. I'm aware of how to clean myself, I'm not saying she's 'frigid' and I'm not 'gropey'.*

Is this defensive and aggressive way you answer any suggestions your gf has?

[quote LimpLettice]@LouJ85 I'm relating his language throughout about her body, what he wants to do to it, how she moves or doesn't move, during and not during sex etc to his porn consumption. It's not a great stretch to imagine men who consistently focus on their partners body and not the whole woman as porn addled. I'm afraid there are millions of them out there, that isn't a revelation to anyone. If that's not him, great! What I said was it sounds like he expects a performance and I can imagine she doesn't want to put one on. There are women out there who love all that, why not go find one?

Honestly though, she is having and initiating sex with him twice a week. Is that really a sexless relationship?![/quote]
I would like a bit of performance once in a while.

Rather than a quickie where she doesn't even look at me.

Worshipping her body does not make me a bad person. Or mean I don't care about her feelings.

Whether it is from porn or not, it does not make me bad because I want to try positions, dominate, be dominated, taste her and so on.

You do all that and still love someone and appreciate them.

There's a lot to filter through here but I think what you want is mutual enthusiasm. You want to flirt, want your quick touches to be appreciated and seen a sexually playful, not groping. You want her to be sexually happy in the same way as you feel it, to have that mutual enjoyment and togetherness. You don't want her to feel like it's a chore and don't want to feel rejected.

However, the type of dressing up that you want can be really alien to some women, as if they are being asked to play a role, something that's not them. They don't feel sexy having to wear something that would be in the window of Ann Summers. A lot of lingerie is nasty nylon, polyster, satin stuff that has been designed to look good, mainly for the male gaze but it's not healthy to wear underwear like that all day. It can even make it more likely for women to get thrush. Some women really like to wear lingerie, and others don't. I can see it from both points of view.

It's sad but I just don't think she's cut out for what you need. I think you've tried talking to her and it hasn't worked. This is going to be an ongoing issue between you and maybe it's best if you call it a day, for her sake as well as yours. You just have different sexual needs.

*I'm relating his language throughout about her body, what he wants to do to it, how she moves or doesn't move, during and not during sex etc to his porn consumption. It's not a great stretch to imagine men who consistently focus on their partners body and not the whole woman as porn addled. I'm afraid there are millions of them out there, that isn't a revelation to anyone. If that's not him, great! What I said was it sounds like he expects a performance and I can imagine she doesn't want to put one on. There are women out there who love all that, why not go find one?

Honestly though, she is having and initiating sex with him twice a week. Is that really a sexless relationship?!*

Of course his language is focussed on her body and what he wants to do - the entire thread is about sex. If I was writing a thread complaining about my partner's lack of sexual desire towards me, I wouldn't be commenting on his personality very much or other qualities- I'd focus on describing what I feel I'm missing and why, which in this case, relates to sex. Which is inextricably linked with one's desire for another person's body.

He hasn't actually confirmed either way, I don't think, whether he watches porn and whether this is relevant.

I didn't get that he "expects a performance", not at all. I got that he wants reciprocated physical intimacy. Where she's also able to enjoy him in the way he wants to enjoy her. Men are more visually aroused than women, so to me it stands to reason that a lot of male desire links to how a woman looks and presents herself in the bedroom. I don't think he's wrong or unlike many other men in that regard.

But - you're right. Whether she wants that or not is the key. And how to make her happy if it's not what she wants. It seems he's tried in some way to find that out, and been shut down. So yes I agree. He needs to go and find a woman who reciprocates and wants what he wants.

And yes, twice a week isn't "sexless". But if it were me, I'd see it as it may as well be. Because I'd be so turned off by a partner who seemed to be just going through the motions for my benefit. More than turned off actually. I'd be quite hurt.

OP, your expectations are perfectly normal. Your girlfriend doesn't like sex, won't talk about it. Sounds like she just assumed it is a mandatory part of relationship and she should just suffer through it. In her view she is probably making an effort by the fact that she has sex at all.
Offer her counselling. If she refused I would leave without any hesitation. You are 35, still very young. If you stay you will resent her for making you miserable.
And for now I would stop having sex with her all together, if she doesn't want it, it is better not to have it at all

Also, if she seems to dislike sex so much she can't even look at you, you must stop having sex with her, immediately. Really, stop. Also interested to know what you define as domination.

There's a lot to filter through here but I think what you want is mutual enthusiasm. You want to flirt, want your quick touches to be appreciated and seen a sexually playful, not groping. You want her to be sexually happy in the same way as you feel it, to have that mutual enjoyment and togetherness. You don't want her to feel like it's a chore and don't want to feel rejected.

This is what I took from it, too.

@Ac198 - Ok so at the start she was very sexually active with you, could it be that she lacks confidence?
Maybe she lacks sexual experience too?
I also think if you’re arguing frequently, then maybe their is a lack of emotional connection, which could affect her desire for you.
In a lot of cases the demise of an active sex life, is the result of relationship problems, although this is not always the case, as many factors to consider like lifestyle, medical conditions, kids etc.

Sex under the covers, won't let me see her in the room in her bikini.
Does she have insecurities about her body, OP? Just from a woman's perspective I'm trying to imagine why I'd not want my partner to see my semi naked body, and this might be one of the reasons. If I felt insecure about how I looked.

@Ac198 and during those early at it like rabbits days what kind of sex did you have? Did she let you touch her, go down on her, try different positions? What I mean is was she ever the kind of sexual partner you want to have?
How long was there before meeting and moving in?

[quote BigButtons]@Ac198 and during those early at it like rabbits days what kind of sex did you have? Did she let you touch her, go down on her, try different positions? What I mean is was she ever the kind of sexual partner you want to have?
How long was there before meeting and moving in?[/quote]
We moved in after a few months.

It was mainly just straight to sex. Never much oral either way. She mainly led. And I was happy with that as she was initiating it and going for it up to five times a day. We'd usually have sex as soon as we saw each other and a couple of times during the day / night.

[quote zigzog44]@Ac198 - Ok so at the start she was very sexually active with you, could it be that she lacks confidence?
Maybe she lacks sexual experience too?
I also think if you’re arguing frequently, then maybe their is a lack of emotional connection, which could affect her desire for you.
In a lot of cases the demise of an active sex life, is the result of relationship problems, although this is not always the case, as many factors to consider like lifestyle, medical conditions, kids etc.[/quote]
She's has a good amount of partners and sex in the past.

@LouJ85

Sex under the covers, won't let me see her in the room in her bikini. Does she have insecurities about her body, OP? Just from a woman's perspective I'm trying to imagine why I'd not want my partner to see my semi naked body, and this might be one of the reasons. If I felt insecure about how I looked.

She doesn't like her legs. But nothing unusual. But she doesn't seem to acknowledge when i tell her how much I love bits about her. Like her stomach, thighs and boobs

See, to me, I read 'won't let me see her in the room in her bikini' as will let him and anyone else round the pool. So it's not about insecurities about her body but about what he wants from it anytime he thinks it's available.

Fair enough op. It does sound porn inspired, but of course you are free to desire whatever you want. She's free to desire lights out missionary. I was simply suggesting if you come across to her as you do to me, perhaps she feels turned off by the expectations and perhaps a bit objectified so just goes through the motions. Of course you can and should worship your partners body. Do you also worship her mind? Very integral to an awful lot of female libido - I'm saying you've stayed a decade, so you must feel there's something worth working on, could that be it?

@LimpLettice

See, to me, I read 'won't let me see her in the room in her bikini' as will let him and anyone else round the pool. So it's not about insecurities about her body but about what he wants from it anytime he thinks it's available.

Fair enough op. It does sound porn inspired, but of course you are free to desire whatever you want. She's free to desire lights out missionary. I was simply suggesting if you come across to her as you do to me, perhaps she feels turned off by the expectations and perhaps a bit objectified so just goes through the motions. Of course you can and should worship your partners body. Do you also worship her mind? Very integral to an awful lot of female libido - I'm saying you've stayed a decade, so you must feel there's something worth working on, could that be it?

Admiring a body in a biking does not need to automatically mean sex every time.

Obviously I like her and her good point, kindness, personality, company and humour or i would not have stayed for a decade and try to make it work whilst subduing my lustful desires

Hoe is your relationship outwith sex? It seems like you are more flatmates than partners. Do you ever hug? It sounds like a miserable life to me. The fact she won't kiss you, and it seems from your posts that is not because she thinks it will lead to sex she doesn't want, but more that she doesn't like kissing. There appears to be zero intimacy in your relationship. Distangling years of living and a mortgage being tricky, does not make a reason to stay.

You are entitled to find this a deal breaker. Whilst it would hurt both of you to break up I'm sure, at the end of the day, if the relationship isn't working for either party, for whatever reason, and attempts have failed and improving the issue, then it's ok to break up.

Sex wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I'm sure I have sticking points that wouldn't be problems for other people.

You are 35 with no kids. Presumably your partner is of a similar age. You don't want to waste anymore of your 'prime time' feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. And probably resentful. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't communicate.

Similarly, she may be better suited to a man who doesn't desire sex. There are plenty who have lower/no sex drives and maybe she'd feel more at peace with them. It sounds like she doesn't like anything too sensory.

I hope you both manage to find happiness. Life is too short to be wondering what if and hitting your head against a brick wall (which is what it sounds like you're doing when trying to address this area of your life).

If you had kids, my advice would likely be different as there are more competing factors at play. But as it stands, I think you both stand a lot to gain from parting ways and seeking more compatible life partners.

@LemonBreeland

Hoe is your relationship outwith sex? It seems like you are more flatmates than partners. Do you ever hug? It sounds like a miserable life to me. The fact she won't kiss you, and it seems from your posts that is not because she thinks it will lead to sex she doesn't want, but more that she doesn't like kissing. There appears to be zero intimacy in your relationship. Distangling years of living and a mortgage being tricky, does not make a reason to stay.

It's not all about sex. I would like hugs and to kiss. But as you say she does not enjoy it.

Tbh we argue every few weeks. Its awful. I feel like she hates me most of the time. Like I'm not good enough, and the impact it has on me is to switch off and zone out rather than change.

I can't change. I'm an OK guy. I just want to be happy and either be single or with a partner who likes sex and intimacy.

I think I was spolt I 2 previous relationships and perhaps it's warped my expectations

Tbh we argue every few weeks. Its awful. I feel like she hates me most of the time. Like I'm not good enough,

What are you arguing about? And what is it she says or does to make you feel hated and not good enough?

Right at the start before we moved in together it was sex at every opportunity. 5 times a night, she'd wake me up in the middle of the night etc. Never been much foreplay. She'll often start now by giving me 'a hand job'. But the lust vanished when we moved in together.

5 times a night does sound like quite a lot even for the early days, and I say that as someone who was somewhat like this at the start of my relationship. Is it possible that she simply lost her appetite for that sooner than you did but carried on, and it's left her with a subconscious feeling of it being a chore?

What do you mean by putting 'hand job' in inverted commas? I mention that because by all accounts that doesn't sound like a particularly unconventional way of starting sex, some people just don't like oral so hand play is foreplay to them. Nor is being under the covers that strange. Depending on how "offish" she is actually coming across, I can see a scenario where she wouldn't understand why you would have an issue with this, so she may feel you are being unnecessarily negative, and like nothing she does is good enough. You've mentioned similar feelings yourself so it's something you can relate to, and that may be key to the miscommunication.

I did suggest backing off from sex for a bit before and I do still stand by that. In my early 20s I fancied sex all the time, but now (late 20s) I would say I feel frustrated and ready for it after about 3-4 days. I can and do look past that and engage more frequently than that sometimes, but what I'm saying is what is not effective after 2 days, might be after longer. I tend to feel more enthusiastic and up for being adventurous when it's been long enough for me to feel sexual frustration. Lots of regular sex means you don't have the opportunity to get to that point. You might find that a compromise of less sex results in better sex.

Hi, OP. Your story sounds exactly like the situation I was in with my ex-husband, he wanted sex more than me, we would do it a couple of times a week but my heart wasn't in it. I didn't like him to touch me or give me oral, he suspected I was frigid and I believed it too.

Now we have broken up I know that I wasn't frigid, I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore. We had been together a long time since we were young and we'd ended up as flatmates, far past the point of sexual compatibility.

Maybe your girlfriend would enjoy sex more with someone else, maybe a quickie twice a week is genuinely all she wants or needs. Either way, you both deserve to be with someone you are sexually compatible with. Trust me, you will both be much happier.