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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 13:34

@PistachioPudding

OP this has been a very divisive thread and is difficult to get out of my mind. I do hope that my earlier impressions were a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of your posts; I do not wish to judge anyone unfairly.

You can see that quite a number of women have reacted very strongly to some of your descriptions and language, as did I. The significant power imbalance between a man and woman in most sexual encounters (and our experiences from those encounters) necessarily inform our reactions. I think men have much less experience of how it feels to be the more vulnerable one. Many women have unfortunately had the experience of choosing to have sex they don't want because it seems like that is the safer option at the time. I am not saying that I think this is the position your girlfriend is in. But it is why women are justifiably very uncomfortable with the idea of a man having sex with a woman when he can tell she isn't enjoying it (which is what you said in your OP). Perhaps it is was just a poor choice of expression by you, I hope very much that that is not what is happening.

I wish you and your partner both well. I hope that whatever you take from this thread can help with improving things for you both.

Finally, you may have heard the expression that a woman needs to feel loved in order to want sex, but a man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. I don't think that applies to everyone, of course. But it certainly seems from your posts that you would feel more loved if you were having more / different sex. Perhaps it is worth thinking about whether she needs to feel more loved (and what this might mean to her) before she is interested in doing that.

Your last paragraph is very much how I feel. And point noted.

Out of interest, I know my language can be blunt, crass and maybe like someone speaking down the pub, but what specifically about the language and description do you think has angered people?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/02/2021 13:42

@PistachioPudding

OP this has been a very divisive thread and is difficult to get out of my mind. I do hope that my earlier impressions were a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of your posts; I do not wish to judge anyone unfairly.

You can see that quite a number of women have reacted very strongly to some of your descriptions and language, as did I. The significant power imbalance between a man and woman in most sexual encounters (and our experiences from those encounters) necessarily inform our reactions. I think men have much less experience of how it feels to be the more vulnerable one. Many women have unfortunately had the experience of choosing to have sex they don't want because it seems like that is the safer option at the time. I am not saying that I think this is the position your girlfriend is in. But it is why women are justifiably very uncomfortable with the idea of a man having sex with a woman when he can tell she isn't enjoying it (which is what you said in your OP). Perhaps it is was just a poor choice of expression by you, I hope very much that that is not what is happening.

I wish you and your partner both well. I hope that whatever you take from this thread can help with improving things for you both.

Finally, you may have heard the expression that a woman needs to feel loved in order to want sex, but a man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. I don't think that applies to everyone, of course. But it certainly seems from your posts that you would feel more loved if you were having more / different sex. Perhaps it is worth thinking about whether she needs to feel more loved (and what this might mean to her) before she is interested in doing that.

This. Excellent post. However, I don't think the OP will get this, or will choose not to. He is generally being dismissive, and sounding quite entitled on this thread. Hmm
LimpLettice · 02/02/2021 13:42

It's often an emotive subject on here for good reason but there's something I can't quite put my finger on here giving me the ick. It might be how you talk about her body, as if it's not her, it's a thing. The wearing a dress, making an effort for you...I don't know. Do you watch a lot of porn?

From her perspective, I can imagine her thinking for gods sakes. 2 or 3 times a week is pretty good after ten years. I initiate. He orgasms. I don't like oral, what's the issue?

And frankly I've been there with the physical affection thing. Not everyone wants to be handled all the time, especially if it's by someone who plainly thinks 2 x a week is verging on celibacy! I have an ex who absolutely smothered me like this and it just put me off. I'm more than a body, sex is about love, but if love is only about sex, it's not for me. If you feel unloved only having sex initiated by her twice a week...I can see how she feels.

At the end of the day, you (both) can't talk about it, you're complaining about the quantity, the quality, the position, what she wears, which body parts touch, and so on. You are never going to be satisfied so move on. Of course you are right to want to be happy! She's not it, let her go. I suspect you'll feel like my ex when she moves on and apparently suddenly has a fantastic sex life. Which I do. With someone who loves my whole self and cares not if I act dress or contort like a porn star.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 13:46

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

I've literally just acknowledged what pistachio said. And asked for more feedback.

Can you elaborate on how i come across as entitled and dismissive as I'm keen to improve my communication?

Also I've thanked people for their opinions throughout the thread. Good and bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 13:53

@LimpLettice

It's often an emotive subject on here for good reason but there's something I can't quite put my finger on here giving me the ick. It might be how you talk about her body, as if it's not her, it's a thing. The wearing a dress, making an effort for you...I don't know. Do you watch a lot of porn?

From her perspective, I can imagine her thinking for gods sakes. 2 or 3 times a week is pretty good after ten years. I initiate. He orgasms. I don't like oral, what's the issue?

And frankly I've been there with the physical affection thing. Not everyone wants to be handled all the time, especially if it's by someone who plainly thinks 2 x a week is verging on celibacy! I have an ex who absolutely smothered me like this and it just put me off. I'm more than a body, sex is about love, but if love is only about sex, it's not for me. If you feel unloved only having sex initiated by her twice a week...I can see how she feels.

At the end of the day, you (both) can't talk about it, you're complaining about the quantity, the quality, the position, what she wears, which body parts touch, and so on. You are never going to be satisfied so move on. Of course you are right to want to be happy! She's not it, let her go. I suspect you'll feel like my ex when she moves on and apparently suddenly has a fantastic sex life. Which I do. With someone who loves my whole self and cares not if I act dress or contort like a porn star.

Interesting take. Do only porn stars wear dresses?

From her perspective, I can imagine her thinking for gods sakes. 2 or 3 times a week is pretty good after ten years. I initiate. He orgasms. I don't like oral, what's the issue?

Maybe no issue for her. But lots for me. Its boring and unsatisfactory for me. Sex is so much more.

And I don't smother her. There is just no middle ground

OP posts:
Elmo311 · 02/02/2021 13:54

You're still young, you're not happy. She probably isn't happy either. A no orgasm sex life IS shit, especially after ten years!

Just end things OP.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 13:59

Interesting take. Do only porn stars wear dresses?

Oh good, the porn thing has come up again. Hmm

No, OP. Of course not only porn stars wear dresses or sexy underwear. On MN they do. Not in the real world.

PistachioPudding · 02/02/2021 14:03

Hi OP

I think that (aside from the main point in your first post that I mentioned, which was the primary issue), as LimpLettuce said, it's something about the focus of your posts being in relation to her body. What you would like to do with/to it, what you are or aren't allowed to do with/to it. I understand you're sexually frustrated and you desire your wife. But it can come across as though you are really only desiring access to her body, not desiring a meaningful intimate connection between the two of you as people. The way you mentioned the fact that she thinks you don't give her emotional support seemed dismissive- it came across as though you thought it was a sort of less important side issue.

For the reasons I mentioned in my post above, these are uncomfortable and distressing ideas for lots of us, who have had plenty of experiences of men desiring our bodies while not having much concern for other aspects of who we are. I hope this is not the case for you, but since you asked, that was my reaction.

LimpLettice · 02/02/2021 14:05

'Interesting take. Do only porn stars wear dresses? '

Oh dear. That's all you took from that? Of course not. I wear dresses. My lovely DH doesn't take it as a sign that I don't love him if I don't though. I'm talking about your comments throughout the thread, in combination. All sounds to me very impersonal, just about her body. You just don't actually sound like you like her very much.

To you, it's not smothering. To her? I mean she obviously doesn't like it. That doesn't make either of you wrong, or right, this isn't about being right. It's about compatibility. Which you really don't seem to be?

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 14:06

@LouJ85

Interesting take. Do only porn stars wear dresses?

Oh good, the porn thing has come up again. Hmm

No, OP. Of course not only porn stars wear dresses or sexy underwear. On MN they do. Not in the real world.

This is good to hear. I don't think its misogynistic to be attracted to a woman in woman's clothes.

Anyone would think I'm insisting she dress as Julia Roberts in pretty women all the time

OP posts:
PistachioPudding · 02/02/2021 14:09

Sorry, should have said girlfriend/partner not wife

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:10

This is good to hear. I don't think its misogynistic to be attracted to a woman in woman's clothes.

Of course it isn't! It's human nature for a heterosexual male.

It works both ways too - I appreciate when my DP makes an effort for me with his presentation and efforts in the bedroom - because as a heterosexual female I'm attracted to a sexy, masculine man. In the same way I imagine you are attracted to sexy, feminine woman.

KatherineOfAragon · 02/02/2021 14:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

LittleBoPeep95 · 02/02/2021 14:11

I don't think its misogynistic to be attracted to a woman in woman's clothes.

Not misogynistic at all. It's so funny because women are allowed to talk about what they find attractive in a man and what they like their partners to look like with nobody taking offence. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago where the majority of women admitted to telling their partners that they must shave their faces. But a man wants his wife to dress up in something nice occasionally? He's a sex pest.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:12

Oh dear. That's all you took from that? Of course not. I wear dresses. My lovely DH doesn't take it as a sign that I don't love him if I don't though.

I'm not sure why you're focusing exclusively on the non wearing of dresses, when it's clear the OP's partner doesn't enjoy sex and also doesn't say that she loves him. Those might be the signs he's picked up on, more so than the wearing or not of the dress. There's a much bigger context if you read all the comments he's made.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:12

@LittleBoPeep95

*I don't think its misogynistic to be attracted to a woman in woman's clothes.*

Not misogynistic at all. It's so funny because women are allowed to talk about what they find attractive in a man and what they like their partners to look like with nobody taking offence. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago where the majority of women admitted to telling their partners that they must shave their faces. But a man wants his wife to dress up in something nice occasionally? He's a sex pest.

👏🏻👏🏻 MN classic double standards.

crosshatching · 02/02/2021 14:13

The dismissiveness, tbh. We are all new to your situation we don't know what you've tried and haven't. The dismissive tone of some of your responses make me want to hear your partner's side of the arguments that you get over much faster than she does.

LittleBoPeep95 · 02/02/2021 14:15

because as a heterosexual female I'm attracted to a sexy, masculine man. In the same way I imagine you are attracted to sexy, feminine woman.

Exactly. And shock horror, some people absolutely love making an effort for their partners, and they love doing things they know turns their partner on.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:15

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago where the majority of women admitted to telling their partners that they must shave their faces.

I'm the opposite- I think he's far sexier with his beard and I get upset when he threatens to shave it off 😂

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:16

@LittleBoPeep95

*because as a heterosexual female I'm attracted to a sexy, masculine man. In the same way I imagine you are attracted to sexy, feminine woman.*

Exactly. And shock horror, some people absolutely love making an effort for their partners, and they love doing things they know turns their partner on.

Yes! But don't mention the details of that on here for god sake! You'll be branded "desperate" and "seeking validation from strangers" about your sex life. FYI. 😂

LimpLettice · 02/02/2021 14:18

I did read them, yes, and the op comes across as very focussed on her body. As I said. He glossed over her feeling emotionally unsupported. I did mention all the other things he's unhappy with, and he himself immediately bit at the dress comment. I'm certainly not remotely focussed on that. She doesn't enjoy sex with HIM is all we know, she might have loved it with all previous partners and swung from the chandeliers every night. As it is, we don't know why, we can only guess. My guess is that he is expecting a performance from her, and it's long turned her off. But it's a guess, probably projecting. I just think no kids, nothing she does is enough, why put yourself through it?

crosshatching · 02/02/2021 14:18

You might also find this article interesting from both your points of view:

www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/for-those-stuck-in-a-relationship/

LittleBoPeep95 · 02/02/2021 14:19

Absolutely ridiculous isn't it @LouJ85. The double standards are unreal! There was another thread started by a man, upset that his wife would never give him oral. He was told he was disgusting, a rapist, a misogynist, and the whole thread was taken down after about 20 minutes. However I've lost count of the ' my husband won't go down on me' threads where all the women said LTB as he's not satisfying the OP!

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:29

@LimpLettice

I did read them, yes, and the op comes across as very focussed on her body. As I said. He glossed over her feeling emotionally unsupported. I did mention all the other things he's unhappy with, and he himself immediately bit at the dress comment. I'm certainly not remotely focussed on that. She doesn't enjoy sex with HIM is all we know, she might have loved it with all previous partners and swung from the chandeliers every night. As it is, we don't know why, we can only guess. My guess is that he is expecting a performance from her, and it's long turned her off. But it's a guess, probably projecting. I just think no kids, nothing she does is enough, why put yourself through it?

I think he may have bit at the dress comment because you phrased it as follows:

The wearing a dress, making an effort for you...I don't know. Do you watch a lot of porn?

It reads as though you are relating the desire to his partner in a dress with his watching of porn.

But I totally agree with the sentiment in your post here - life's too short, he needs to get out of this sexless relationship and enjoy himself with a like minded woman.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 14:30

@LittleBoPeep95

Absolutely ridiculous isn't it *@LouJ85*. The double standards are unreal! There was another thread started by a man, upset that his wife would never give him oral. He was told he was disgusting, a rapist, a misogynist, and the whole thread was taken down after about 20 minutes. However I've lost count of the ' my husband won't go down on me' threads where all the women said LTB as he's not satisfying the OP!

Oh I can well believe it!