Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@foxhat are you seriously saying if someone you know in real life said 'come on guys' you would interpret that as aggressive??? I really feel for the people in your life, you sound like a barrel of laughs 🤣🤣

Your expectations are not unrealistic. Lots of couples are limited due to teenagers always being around and would love to have a more active and free sex life You don't have these problems so your situation won't improve. From how you described your sex it sounds like she isn't having an orgasm when you do it. If she was she may be more enthusiastic about having sex this can only be resolved by talking to her. Most women wouldn't be bothered to have sex if they weren't being fulfilled

@Skyla2005 if she's not having orgasms she should communicate that. Not OPs fault it's like talking to a brick wall is it.

*Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.

This has to be a wind up? Saying come on guys is no way, shape, or form aggressive is it??*

Yes I think it is as it slightly belittles the opinions of people who don't agree with the speaker. It's a judgement and yes I think a little aggressive. 'It's not high school' is a clearer version of this. There's no reason for people to assume the OP cleans himself well and there are examples on here of people having OH's who just didn't. It's a relevant idea to share in this context yet was dismissed in an off-hand and slightly disrespectful way esp given that most people are just trying to help.

I'm not suggesting this is a level of aggression that makes OP a wife-beater but normal conversation can contain levels of minor aggression which serve to shut down conversation rather than open it up and it's sometimes helpful to pay attention to that especially if the core issues appears to be one of communication.

@foxhat

wholeheartedly disagree that this is anger. It could also just be an expression of exasperation with repeating oneself multiple times on a thread people aren't reading properly.

Ok we can agree to disagree. I don't think people aren't reading things properly when they see different things though. People just come at things from different perspectives.

No, when people ask him "why haven't you done or tried x, y, or z... why are you forcing her to have sex?" repeatedly, despite him having clarified very early on that he's tried multiple approaches, she won't talk to him about it, and she's the one initiating sex therefore is no way "forced"..... I can see how that might become draining and exasperating!

@foxhat are you seriously saying if someone you know in real life said 'come on guys' you would interpret that as aggressive??? I really feel for the people in your life, you sound like a barrel of laughs

Yes if we're talking about something that is a contentious issue. No if they're rounding people up so we can leave the house at the same time. It's very low level aggression and I can see that you don't agree with me. That's OK. No need to start insulting me though.

[quote LittleBoPeep95]@Skyla2005 if she's not having orgasms she should communicate that. Not OPs fault it's like talking to a brick wall is it.[/quote]

This.

No, when people ask him "why haven't you done or tried x, y, or z... why are you forcing her to have sex?" repeatedly, despite him having clarified very early on that he's tried multiple approaches, she won't talk to him about it, and she's the one initiating sex therefore is no way "forced"..... I can see how that might become draining and exasperating!

But the comments i quoted were not about this. They were about people wondering whether he might have a hygiene issue and suggesting that his OH may not like having him touch her bum as a show of affection.

[quote foxhat]**@foxhat are you seriously saying if someone you know in real life said 'come on guys' you would interpret that as aggressive??? I really feel for the people in your life, you sound like a barrel of laughs

Yes if we're talking about something that is a contentious issue. No if they're rounding people up so we can leave the house at the same time. It's very low level aggression and I can see that you don't agree with me. That's OK. No need to start insulting me though.[/quote]

"Oh come on guys" is also a commonly used expression of exasperation after repeating yourself several times about the same issues. I'd have used a similar phrase myself in the OP's shoes by now (in fact he was probably more polite than I'd have been at this point in the thread of mind numbing repetition!).

Totally get that you see it as aggressive. It was intended as more dismissive.

Load of comments re hygiene that id ignored but finally flipped.

I accept some people may be filthy creatures, but I consider myself slightly above that level. If someone stinks and is unclean and hasn't realised by 35 their issues are much more than a lack of a fulfilling sex life

It’s also highly likely she’s not having orgasms if she’s not engaging in any form of foreplay, I can’t orgasm from sex alone.
She is basically denying herself an orgasm if she won’t let her partner touch her, so this is in no way the fault of the OP.

@zigzog44

It’s also highly likely she’s not having orgasms if she’s not engaging in any form of foreplay, I can’t orgasm from sex alone. She is basically denying herself an orgasm if she won’t let her partner touch her, so this is in no way the fault of the OP.

I think also the fact she doesn't touch herself either, makes it doubly difficult for OP to have any idea how to help her orgasm. Many women learn what they enjoy and want from a partner sexually through self pleasure. This is how I was able to communicate to my partner what I enjoy. If you aren't aware of what turns you on on any level, any partner is going to be up against it trying to support you to feel satisfied

* I think also the fact she doesn't touch herself either, makes it doubly difficult for OP to have any idea how to help her orgasm. Many women learn what they enjoy and want from a partner sexually through self pleasure. This is how I was able to communicate to my partner what I enjoy. If you aren't aware of what turns you on on any level, any partner is going to be up against it trying to support you to feel satisfied*

Yep!

"Oh come on guys" is also a commonly used expression of exasperation after repeating yourself several times about the same issues. I'd have used a similar phrase myself in the OP's shoes by now (in fact he was probably more polite than I'd have been at this point in the thread of mind numbing repetition!).*

Yes but as above this was the first time he's actually responded to that specific issue so there was no repetition. His updates suggests he'd 'thought' a response a few times but not shared it so I can see where this comes from but it categorically was not an exasperation after repeating self. It was indeed the first response to that suggestion.

@foxhat

* "Oh come on guys" is also a commonly used expression of exasperation after repeating yourself several times about the same issues. I'd have used a similar phrase myself in the OP's shoes by now (in fact he was probably more polite than I'd have been at this point in the thread of mind numbing repetition!).*

Yes but as above this was the first time he's actually responded to that specific issue so there was no repetition. His updates suggests he'd 'thought' a response a few times but not shared it so I can see where this comes from but it categorically was not an exasperation after repeating self. It was indeed the first response to that suggestion.

True. Because I ignored it but people kept mentioning it.

For me presenting yourself as clean to anyone, let alone a lover, is standard procedure and shouldn't really need to be said.

Your response to Pdiddydid's message

The word 'gropey' outed you as an idiot

Can I point out that at least they spelt it correctly? You didn't

Moving on, I think DH and I have a pretty good sex life. If he suddenly suggested I should dress up (me, not him, and it seems you are suggesting the same for your partner) I would not be amused. Our particular sex life doesn't routinely do this sort of thing, not that there's anything wrong with it if both of you like it

If your expectations of each other are very mismatched, then you both consider counselling, go on as you are, or split up.

@zigzog44

It’s also highly likely she’s not having orgasms if she’s not engaging in any form of foreplay, I can’t orgasm from sex alone. She is basically denying herself an orgasm if she won’t let her partner touch her, so this is in no way the fault of the OP.

I just desire her so much as well that its painful to continue to go without.

I dream of giving her oral, how it would feel for us both, the taste etc. Kissing after and during sex.

I little want to kiss her whole body but I'm not allowed too.

I can't live like that and always wonder if there is someone out there that I could be with who would allow and enjoy me kissing them all over.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Your response to Pdiddydid's message

The word 'gropey' outed you as an idiot

Can I point out that at least they spelt it correctly? You didn't

Moving on, I think DH and I have a pretty good sex life. If he suddenly suggested I should dress up (me, not him, and it seems you are suggesting the same for your partner) I would not be amused. Our particular sex life doesn't routinely do this sort of thing, not that there's anything wrong with it if both of you like it

If your expectations of each other are very mismatched, then you both consider counselling, go on as you are, or split up.

Well its not a real word and I'm on a phone. So I won't lose much sleep over it.

When I mentioned dress up, I didn't necessarily mean kinky nurses outfits and and stockings etc. Although of course I totally get people who are into that. A sexy female is the most beautiful thing to me.

What I meant is maybe just some nicer undies, not saggy primark things from 10 years ago. Or maybe do Friday date night and we both wear something other than house clothes. Like she could wear a nice dress or skirt etc. The pleasure that would give me can not be underestimated.

And for the record I would never tell anyone what to wear (I did have a friend who once wore a green jumper and brown trousers and this is the only time I mentioned clothes as they looked like a free)

Tree not free

OP this has been a very divisive thread and is difficult to get out of my mind. I do hope that my earlier impressions were a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of your posts; I do not wish to judge anyone unfairly.

You can see that quite a number of women have reacted very strongly to some of your descriptions and language, as did I. The significant power imbalance between a man and woman in most sexual encounters (and our experiences from those encounters) necessarily inform our reactions. I think men have much less experience of how it feels to be the more vulnerable one. Many women have unfortunately had the experience of choosing to have sex they don't want because it seems like that is the safer option at the time. I am not saying that I think this is the position your girlfriend is in. But it is why women are justifiably very uncomfortable with the idea of a man having sex with a woman when he can tell she isn't enjoying it (which is what you said in your OP). Perhaps it is was just a poor choice of expression by you, I hope very much that that is not what is happening.

I wish you and your partner both well. I hope that whatever you take from this thread can help with improving things for you both.

Finally, you may have heard the expression that a woman needs to feel loved in order to want sex, but a man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. I don't think that applies to everyone, of course. But it certainly seems from your posts that you would feel more loved if you were having more / different sex. Perhaps it is worth thinking about whether she needs to feel more loved (and what this might mean to her) before she is interested in doing that.

For me presenting yourself as clean to anyone, let alone a lover, is standard procedure and shouldn't really need to be said.

Agree! But sadly there are so many examples on MN of people not doing this that it does need checking as one possible cause of the problems. Check out some of the soap-dodging threads and you'll be amazed how common poor personal hygiene is!

@Ac198
Your description of your friend dressed as a tree did amuse me 😂

Oh OP I really feel for you....to an extent.

Sex 2-3 times a week at age 35 is pretty good though, but unfortunately women's sex drives are way lower than men's in the main.

We may think about it a lot throughout the day but I think can rely on our imagination a lot more IMO, whereas men need the visual and physical aspect a lot more.

I haven't RTFT yet (but intend to) but I'm wondering if you showing just how much you need and want her is actually not very sexy. Sure you can't help feeling like that, but maybe hold back a bit and be a bit more aloof.

My DH has a big sex drive and regularly pesters me for it, but strangely on the (quite rare) occasions I've tried to instigate it myself, he literally struggles to get aroused. It's all a rather delicate game if him trying to persuade me and me finally giving in that works for him (and ergo me!).

Finally, you may have heard the expression that a woman needs to feel loved in order to want sex, but a man needs to have sex in order to feel loved. I don't think that applies to everyone, of course.

Nope it definitely doesn't apply to everyone. I need sex to feel loved, it's so so important to me. Love to me is something that is expressed not just verbally but physically.

Yes but as above this was the first time he's actually responded to that specific issue so there was no repetition. His updates suggests he'd 'thought' a response a few times but not shared it so I can see where this comes from but it categorically was not an exasperation after repeating self. It was indeed the first response to that suggestion.

The fact he'd read it multiple times on top of having (repeatedly) already defended himself against all kinds of silly accusations on this thread may well have led to exasperation. Whether it's the first time he expressed that or not. So we shall agree to disagree that this turn of phrase was in any way, shape or form "aggressive"