Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@pdiddydid

Sounds like you're gropey and she wants affection without it leading to groping and sex. Also sounds like you're not that great in bed.

She carries the mental load and has sex with you regularly to keep you happy. I feel sorry for her, not you.

Excellent response. Really shows insight into your lack of intelligence and desire to just wind people up. The word 'gropey' outed you as an idiot.

Have you checked your breath and personal hygiene? I had an ex, fancied him, he had excellent personal hygiene and we had fun together. His breath was bad bad bad so sex was bad and I just couldn't wait for it to be over so I could breathe. I told him but he didn't want to know, so it ended.

If dh drinks coffee it gives him bad breath, he doesn't drink coffee at all now.

Some of the responses here are disgusting. No where on here does OP come across as a sex pest.
@Ac198 sounds to me like you live this way with your needs been unfulfilled so you can carry on your lifestyle of holidays and a nice house. That all looks very nice from the outside but are you actually happy?

Sounds to me like your girlfriend has no idea who you really are. How do you connect with each other if you’re not being honest and truthful? At 35 there’s nothing better (imo) than sexual connection in a loving relationship.

@HurricaneBitch

Have you checked your breath and personal hygiene? I had an ex, fancied him, he had excellent personal hygiene and we had fun together. His breath was bad bad bad so sex was bad and I just couldn't wait for it to be over so I could breathe. I told him but he didn't want to know, so it ended.

If dh drinks coffee it gives him bad breath, he doesn't drink coffee at all now.

I'm literally one of the cleanest people imaginable. In fact I'm more likely to be mocked for my hygiene regime as opposed to lacking cleanliness.

Come on guys. Its not high school. I'm aware of how to clean myself, I'm not saying she's 'frigid' and I'm not 'gropey'.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation. I don't expect her to start fucking like an animal every time I say or show i fancy her.

I've considered what people have said about me being bad in bed. And I've recived positive feedback from previous lovers who have not had any need to lie or tell their friends this. So I'm confident in that way. I've also gone out of my way in the past to satisfy women and their desires and fantasies. And I enjoy making them happy.

@CoopsMalloops

Some of the responses here are disgusting. No where on here does OP come across as a sex pest. *@Ac198* sounds to me like you live this way with your needs been unfulfilled so you can carry on your lifestyle of holidays and a nice house. That all looks very nice from the outside but are you actually happy?

Sounds to me like your girlfriend has no idea who you really are. How do you connect with each other if you’re not being honest and truthful? At 35 there’s nothing better (imo) than sexual connection in a loving relationship.

This is how I feel. Lovley life. But I'd rather be living in a smaller house with a woman that I can spend some Saturday mornings in bed with, and not just looking at our phones or watching cooking shows.

Shallow, selfish, sex obsessed - maybe

You are a mismatch. You like sex she doesn't. You will only become less satisfied the longer this goes on. Split now before you have any children because she will want zero sex then ! If it's not there it's not there

@Ac198 - The lack of foreplay would bother me, if you're happy to please her but she’s not willing to reciprocate seems unfair and I can see how it would lead to resentment. I don’t know what else you can do, if you’ve already raised the subject and things haven’t changed but it seems clear you’re both not sexually compatible.

And I've recived positive feedback from previous lovers who have not had any need to lie or tell their friends this. So I'm confident in that way. I've also gone out of my way in the past to satisfy women and their desires and fantasies. And I enjoy making them happy

As much as I still think the issue might not be performance based, I'd be wary of being too confident based on other women enjoying it. It could well be that your technique just doesn't work on her.

A staggering amount of women never achieve orgasm with a partner. Women are conditioned to feel like it's not about them so they're taking too long, or it's awkward if their partner is waiting for something to happen that just isn't happening. Even if it's working, it can take a while and that can feel uncomfortable. For some women the mental inhibition alone can stop them from relaxing enough to be satisfied. But the flipside of that is that lots of men never realise or are shown how different and specific sexual pleasure is for different women. Different sensitivities, different shapes etc. I certainly can't speak for all women but for me, if you're not doing things in exactly the right spot in the right way, you're not going to achieve anything. Most sexual partners I've had... haven't, if I'm totally honest. I cut them slack in my mind because I know how specific I am.

There are obviously wider issues because if she was up for it and your technique just wasn't quite right, she would probably communicate with you about it. But technique could be a factor and it is possible she just doesn't think you can get her off but doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation. I don't expect her to start fucking like an animal every time I say or show i fancy her.

There are no general rules about this. You need to listen to what your OH thinks about this rather than thinking you have a right to do this because of some fictional sense of what is acceptable to 'most people'. She is not most people, she is herself and that's what you need to relate to. Your anger at this is very interesting. Do you get angry with her when she rejects this as a way of showing affection and desire?

Shallow, selfish, sex obsessed - maybe They say sex is 10% of a good relationship and 90% of a bad. Meaning it's a symptom more than a cause. Of course you are obsessed about it as it's not working for you. Don't let that stop you seeing the bigger context though or this is doomed. As others have said, you often sort out sex problems by sorting out relationship and communication problems. You rarely sort them out by going at it head-on in a blinkered fashion.

Ps, just to add to my point about 'most relationships'. I think you are desiring more frequent sex than is normal. That's fine but consider how you'd feel if your OH said that you needed to do what was 'normal' and accept 1-2 times a week except during her period when it was no times that week. It's irrelevant isn't it? What you want is the issue, not what the average male wants.

@Ac198

Shallow, selfish, sex obsessed - maybe

No I don’t think you are shallow, selfish, sex obsessed.
You’ve been honest with your partner, what else can you do, you have different desires. She doesn’t want to be touched and she doesn’t want to touch you either, so it’s just sex without the build up of foreplay, so I can understand why it’s not enjoyable and it’s not something I’d be willing to forego (coming from a female!)

@aSofaNearYou

I totally agree with the points you made here. Many lovers have told me that they need to be waaaaay more careful with my bits than other women who appear, by their feedback (not about specific women of course) to enjoy a greatly signficant amount more force than I could ever, ever enjoy and indeed which for me is so painful that sex is off the cards at that point for the rest of the day as my delicate bits needs to recover. I also have a retroverted uterus and very low cervix meaning that larger men need to adapt position or they bank my cervix which is hugely unpleasant. I've never been with another woman but in talking to my lovers it's clear that being a great lover with one person does not guarantee being even a mediocre lover with another unless you are genuinely adapting what you offer given the individual. Saying she's never given you feedback might suggest that you have struggled to hear the responses which indicate whether she is enjoying something or not. Which could - may not, am not jumping to any conclusions - suggest that you are not tuning in enough to what this woman wants and instead again defaulting to some sense of 'the norm'. I do wish you luck with this and hope my responses are not too much. I think there might be something you're not hearing and if I'm repeating myself it's because I really do think things might move on for the both of you if you can both move to better understanding each other's positions. You obviously are willing to think about her position but I think currently you are focusing in a narrow area in that regard and you may benefit from some honest and undefensive broadening of your understanding of her desires and needs.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation

Quite. I'd be offended if my DP stopped patting me on the bum on the odd occasion, if I'm honest!

[quote zigzog44]@Ac198

Shallow, selfish, sex obsessed - maybe

No I don’t think you are shallow, selfish, sex obsessed.
You’ve been honest with your partner, what else can you do, you have different desires. She doesn’t want to be touched and she doesn’t want to touch you either, so it’s just sex without the build up of foreplay, so I can understand why it’s not enjoyable and it’s not something I’d be willing to forego (coming from a female!)[/quote]

This.

Your anger at this is very interesting. Do you get angry with her when she rejects this as a way of showing affection and desire?

Eh?! Anger? Where exactly are you seeing anger?

@foxhat

Ps, just to add to my point about 'most relationships'. I think you are desiring more frequent sex than is normal. That's fine but consider how you'd feel if your OH said that you needed to do what was 'normal' and accept 1-2 times a week except during her period when it was no times that week. It's irrelevant isn't it? What you want is the issue, not what the average male wants.

I expect my sex drive is unreasonably high for most women.

But I feel i can't go on repressing so much.

I know 2 or 3 times a week sounds a lot. Sometimes its less of course. But for me a max of 30 mins sex a week is not enough.

Its over too quick.

In many ways id just rather not have sex with her at all now.

I don't get angry with her when she rejects my affection. I don't show it now apart from non sexual cuddles.

I feel I have lost all sexual confidence in myself and my ability.

I've considered what people have said about me being bad in bed.

Being "bad in bed" unilaterally doesn't exist.
Sex is about chemistry, connection and compatibility between two people. One person alone cannot be "bad in bed" when the act of sex is by definition relational and reciprocal. If there is no reciprocation or communication (verbal or otherwise) on a partner's part to indicate what they do or do not like or want, you aren't "bad in bed" - you're up against an impossible situation where you aren't being given any feedback or means to increase chemistry or connection.

*I'm literally one of the cleanest people imaginable. In fact I'm more likely to be mocked for my hygiene regime as opposed to lacking cleanliness.
Eh?! Anger? Where exactly are you seeing anger?

*Come on guys. Its not high school. I'm aware of how to clean myself, I'm not saying she's 'frigid' and I'm not 'gropey'.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation. I don't expect her to start fucking like an animal every time I say or show i fancy her.*

Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.

@foxhat

*I'm literally one of the cleanest people imaginable. In fact I'm more likely to be mocked for my hygiene regime as opposed to lacking cleanliness. Eh?! Anger? Where exactly are you seeing anger?

*Come on guys. Its not high school. I'm aware of how to clean myself, I'm not saying she's 'frigid' and I'm not 'gropey'.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation. I don't expect her to start fucking like an animal every time I say or show i fancy her.*

Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.

Less angry. More stong language to get my point across in response to ridiculous responses. Using silly words to respond to silly comments seems appropriate.

@foxhat

*I'm literally one of the cleanest people imaginable. In fact I'm more likely to be mocked for my hygiene regime as opposed to lacking cleanliness. Eh?! Anger? Where exactly are you seeing anger?

*Come on guys. Its not high school. I'm aware of how to clean myself, I'm not saying she's 'frigid' and I'm not 'gropey'.

A pat on the bum is very acceptable in most relationships, its a show of desire and appreciation. I don't expect her to start fucking like an animal every time I say or show i fancy her.*

Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.

I wholeheartedly disagree that this is anger. It could also just be an expression of exasperation with repeating oneself multiple times on a thread people aren't reading properly.

I expect my sex drive is unreasonably high for most women.

Perhaps most, but certainly not all.
My DP thought he was unreasonable, too, for wanting sex more than twice a year with his exW. Then he met me. And not only is he now matched on libido, he's probably slightly been given a run for his money
My point being - there will be women out there who want what you want, sexually.

Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.

This has to be a wind up? Saying come on guys is no way, shape, or form aggressive is it??

OP I wouldn't bother replying anymore to anyone here to be honest. All you need to know is there are women out there you would match perfectly with, who also want fun adventurous, mutually satisfying sex more than once or twice a week. I wouldn't be happy in your shoes.

@LittleBoPeep95

*Here. 'Come on guys' and 'It's not high school' is a little aggressive and shows anger. Using the words 'fucking like an animal' also suggests a degree of anger. Contained anger, but anger.*

This has to be a wind up? Saying come on guys is no way, shape, or form aggressive is it??

OP I wouldn't bother replying anymore to anyone here to be honest. All you need to know is there are women out there you would match perfectly with, who also want fun adventurous, mutually satisfying sex more than once or twice a week. I wouldn't be happy in your shoes.

Here here.

wholeheartedly disagree that this is anger. It could also just be an expression of exasperation with repeating oneself multiple times on a thread people aren't reading properly.

Ok we can agree to disagree. I don't think people aren't reading things properly when they see different things though. People just come at things from different perspectives.

Ffs just leave her and find someone else. Who knows, she might discover she actually has a sex drive if SHE gets with someone else so you might be doing both of you a favour!