Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

@LouJ85 I'm not sure why you are so intent on fighting the op's battles for him whilst putting down other women... just calm down - this isn't your hill to die on. The op asked for opinions and here he has a broad range of opinions... hopefully this will broaden his perspective on the situation.

@LouJ85 I'm not sure why you are so intent on fighting the op's battles for him whilst putting down other women... just calm down - this isn't your hill to die on. The op asked for opinions and here he has a broad range of opinions... hopefully this will broaden his perspective on the situation.

Fighting his battles for him? Or having an equally valid opinion to everyone else who has commented on this thread?

Putting down other women? Show me my exact verbatim quote that does this, please?

Calm down? Perfectly calm, thank you for your concern.

Isn't my "hill to die on"? No. I have an opinion and I'm expressing it, much like everyone else on the thread, yourself included.

I guess the part of this I don't understand is how after 10 years you have so little knowledge of what makes your partner tick.
She doesn't like to be touched? That's unusual and whilst not impossible raises a red flag of an issue that a loving partner might like to find a way to gently broach.
How's her relationship with her family, is it possible she was raised with the notion that sex is something you do for men rather than to experience pleasure?
But if you're looking for a reason or permission to leave, well, this thread has given you that in spades.

The op asked for opinions and here he has a broad range of opinions... hopefully this will broaden his perspective on the situation.

Yes, and it seems it's been helpful so far with his update this morning of how he's going to proceed.

@emptyorchestra
Very valid point.
Women are also subjected to sexual abuse/rape a hell of a lot. Just read the relationship board to see what some women put up with because they think it's normal.
So i don't think it's some posters treating men differently, it's just that is different for men and women. Of course it is.

@BigButtons

What I am struggling to work out is how/ why this miserable situation has been allowed to drag on for 10 bloody years.

It's lasted so long, from my point of view, as I've always thought things will improve. There has always been things to aim for, house moves and holidays etc.

@LouJ85 pulling the sexist card when other women have a different opinion... why are you arguing with everyone else who expressed an opinion that is different to yours? Good I'm glad you're calm, take care of yourself and good luck with the pregnancy. I'm signing off now

OP it really sounds like your partner hates to be vulnerable. To have the kind of sex you want involves being vulnerable, to have a discussion about it even more so perhaps. For whatever reason she feels she can't open up so I think your letter option is a really good one. Build a safe space for her to respond.

It's also interesting how men and women differ when they write on here.
Men seem to always want a solution but rarely say anything they may have done (not saying this is the OP) and women usually blame themselves because their self esteem is in tatters.

That's a huge difference

[quote tigerlily20]@LouJ85 pulling the sexist card when other women have a different opinion... why are you arguing with everyone else who expressed an opinion that is different to yours? Good I'm glad you're calm, take care of yourself and good luck with the pregnancy. I'm signing off now [/quote]
Again, you're wrong.
What I described as sexist was the poster who implied that the OP is, I quote, a "sex pest" for wanting a partner who as a minimum reciprocates and engages in mutually enjoyable sex and/or at least communication about this if she doesn't want to. For a man with such basic minimum requirements, to be labelled as a sex pest, screams of sexism to me. Because I can tell you with absolute certainty that a female OP wanting or expecting the exact same, would never in a million years be labelled as such. That's sexism, in my view.

And thank you for your well wishes - 30 weeks now! Only 10 to go

@Mylittlepony374

OP. I've just read all of your posts (haven't read replies) and wanted to tell you that I believe you should leave your girlfriend. The sex is never going to be what you want. It will not change, so you (&likely her) will never be happy. Im female. Similar age to you. Over 10 years with my husband. Two toddlers. Busy lives. I have more varied sex than you. In different rooms, dressing up, in the car, playing strip poker just the two of us etc etc. It's supposed to be fun. Your post makes me sad for both you and her. Time to move on and find someone you are sexually compatible with.

Thank you for sharing this. Part of the reason I came on here is because I thought maybe my expectations are totally out of sync with the real world.

I thought maybe people would say that is how all sex is in a long term relationship and I should just ignore my feelings and get on with it.

Its good to know there are people out there enjoying themselves

@Silenceisgolden20

It's also interesting how men and women differ when they write on here. Men seem to always want a solution but rarely say anything they may have done (not saying this is the OP) and women usually blame themselves because their self esteem is in tatters.

That's a huge difference

I think OP hinted at self blame too...

^*Is it an immature and selfish reason to end a relationship?

Its such a strong desire for me but also makes me feel guilty and pathetic that I love sex so much*^

He also questioned early on in the thread if he is "deluded" for wanting more.

@Ac198
I do get the ‘hanging on in there in quiet desperation’ position. I have been there myself but was hampered by kids.
It’s not going to change for you and your partner if she refuses to communicate .
You need to tell her what you feel, what you want and what you will do if a way forward can’t be forged and how can it if she shits down comma.
For gods sake stop responding to her sexually. Tell her you don’t feel good having sex with someone in the way you are both having sex. Tell her, just tell her.

@CaraDuneRedux

This is such a depressing thread.

Man - by his own admission - has sex with the inert body of his wife in the knowledge that she does not want to have sex with him. Says it's her fault for not being adventurous and not being prepared to talk to him.

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

But no, loads of women fall over themselves to fawn over the man and massage his ego, and say what a nice guy he is, and how lovely it is that he's repeatedly "tried" to communicate with her.

I fucking despair of my own sex sometimes.

Going to hide the thread now.

I sincerely hope his wife finds someone who can sit her down and say "You don't have to live like this, with a sex pest who expects you to have sex you don't enjoy and continually badgers you for more exciting sex. You can just leave, you know. You will be much happier without him."

I don't badger her. In fact we have limited conversation about sex and that's part of the issue. I can't speak about sex to her let alone suggest we do it or spice it up.

I'm very conscious also of not putting pressure on her. So its easier for me to shut down and repress my feelings. Hence the need to come on here.

Bloody typos! Was supposed to say ‘ shuts down communication’ Christ that’s given me a much needed laugh

For gods sake stop responding to her sexually. Tell her you don’t feel good having sex with someone in the way you are both having sex. Tell her, just tell her.

I actually completely agree with this. If my DP was just "going through the motions" with the intimate side of our relationship with no enjoyment my self esteem would on the floor and even if he initiated it like your DP is, I'd say "no, sorry, I'm not prepared to have sex with someone who clearly doesn't really want me, it's making me feel like shit". Then the ball would be in his court. Either talk about it like adults, or we're done.

@BigButtons

Bloody typos! Was supposed to say ‘ shuts down communication’ Christ that’s given me a much needed laugh

And me 😂

@louj85 I did put in brackets not saying that's the OP.

He's asking if it's normal and worth leaving over. Valid feelings. It's not the same as women that post pages and pages of self hatred of themselves from sexual abuse from men.

It's different for men and women. Their experiences as a man and a woman are different. That's all I'm saying.

@LouJ85

For gods sake stop responding to her sexually. Tell her you don’t feel good having sex with someone in the way you are both having sex. Tell her, just tell her.

I actually completely agree with this. If my DP was just "going through the motions" with the intimate side of our relationship with no enjoyment my self esteem would on the floor and even if he initiated it like your DP is, I'd say "no, sorry, I'm not prepared to have sex with someone who clearly doesn't really want me, it's making me feel like shit". Then the ball would be in his court. Either talk about it like adults, or we're done.

This is what I think too. Its not 'start doing xyz or I'll leave'. It's please start communicating with me about this, it is important to me.

[quote Silenceisgolden20]@louj85 I did put in brackets not saying that's the OP.

He's asking if it's normal and worth leaving over. Valid feelings. It's not the same as women that post pages and pages of self hatred of themselves from sexual abuse from men.

It's different for men and women. Their experiences as a man and a woman are different. That's all I'm saying.[/quote]
Oh I totally get that.

But... women who post pages and pages sexual abuse by men do so because they are, in fact, being sexually abused by a man.

But that's not really relevant or helpful to the OP's situation, where there's no indication of abuse. Just a partner who initiates mutually consensual sex without seeming to enjoy it.

So the solutions and advice he needs are likely different to a scenario involving sexual abuse.

I think too that we can’t possibly know what’s going on in someone’s head, maybe there are underlying resentments, maybe for whatever reason she doesn’t actually much fancy OP anymore but does care a lot about him (it’s quite hard to fake enthusuasm if you don’t actually fancy the guy but you don’t always want to split up - very hard to say ‘I don’t fancy you’ without hugely hurting someone you care about . for all we know OP might have ‘pissed off’ his partner in ways we simply don’t know about and it remains unresolved. I’m not saying any of this is the case OP, it might not be but people are offering advice based purely on lack of keenness from your partner , whereas the lack of enthusiasm may possibly not simply be sex related and come from the mental space rather than physical. Certainly that’s been my experience in my 2 marriages and one live in relationship. Maybe you yourself aren’t that easy to talk to either without getting defensive-

I'm 55 with a 67yo partner and have a lot more fun in (and out of) the bedroom than you OP.

Sex is important - it's about closeness and sharing and is supposed to be fun.

Intimacy is important - not just sex - the closeness and touching.

I'd leave. This is never going to improve - could well get worse if you ever have children!

Sounds like you're gropey and she wants affection without it leading to groping and sex. Also sounds like you're not that great in bed.

She carries the mental load and has sex with you regularly to keep you happy. I feel sorry for her, not you.

*CaraDuneRedux
This is such a depressing thread.

Man - by his own admission - has sex with the inert body of his wife in the knowledge that she does not want to have sex with him. Says it's her fault for not being adventurous and not being prepared to talk to him.

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

But no, loads of women fall over themselves to fawn over the man and massage his ego, and say what a nice guy he is, and how lovely it is that he's repeatedly "tried" to communicate with her.

I fucking despair of my own sex sometimes.

Going to hide the thread now.

I sincerely hope his wife finds someone who can sit her down and say "You don't have to live like this, with a sex pest who expects you to have sex you don't enjoy and continually badgers you for more exciting sex. You can just leave, you know. You will be much happier without him."
I don't badger her. In fact we have limited conversation about sex and that's part of the issue. I can't speak about sex to her let alone suggest we do it or spice it up.

I'm very conscious also of not putting pressure on her. So its easier for me to shut down and repress my feelings. Hence the need to come on here.*

She's probably sick to death of being badgered about it and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Try not arguing with her and see if your relationship improves without the hounding.

@pdiddydid

*CaraDuneRedux This is such a depressing thread.

Man - by his own admission - has sex with the inert body of his wife in the knowledge that she does not want to have sex with him. Says it's her fault for not being adventurous and not being prepared to talk to him.

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

But no, loads of women fall over themselves to fawn over the man and massage his ego, and say what a nice guy he is, and how lovely it is that he's repeatedly "tried" to communicate with her.

I fucking despair of my own sex sometimes.

Going to hide the thread now.

I sincerely hope his wife finds someone who can sit her down and say "You don't have to live like this, with a sex pest who expects you to have sex you don't enjoy and continually badgers you for more exciting sex. You can just leave, you know. You will be much happier without him."
I don't badger her. In fact we have limited conversation about sex and that's part of the issue. I can't speak about sex to her let alone suggest we do it or spice it up.

I'm very conscious also of not putting pressure on her. So its easier for me to shut down and repress my feelings. Hence the need to come on here.*

She's probably sick to death of being badgered about it and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Try not arguing with her and see if your relationship improves without the hounding.

Are you unable to read?