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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2021 09:34

Have you tried talking to her about why she might not be that into sex, rather than what kind of sex she would like?

She might automatically shut down the latter because the truth is she doesn't want more/a different type of sex at all, or doesn't think she does.

I think it's really underestimated how much outside factors that are nothing at all to do with the partner can affect a woman's libido/enjoyment of sex. Birth control, mental health etc. I am still younger than you, for context, but when I was a bit younger and was on hormonal birth control I pretty much fancied sex all the time, at any point. Now I'm older and am not on hormonal birth control, I find my cycle is very much the driving force behind my libido and things really don't stir unless it's the right time of the month. It's taken me years to learn this about myself.

Sex education for women and girls is dreadful, it's a complex matter with many facets that aren't discussed openly, and many women don't know themselves that well in this regard as a result. She may simply think she doesn't like sex without realising there's an underlying reason behind it that isn't actually much to do with sex or her partner.

One thing that is also key to remember is that sex when you don't really want it is really off putting. I hate being touched sexually when I'm not in the mood, it's hard to explain what's unpleasant about the sensation but it's not to be sniffed at. Having sex 2-3 times a week when you don't want it is a LOT, and it has probably lead her to subconsciously asociate sex with something (and I mean this kindly) that happens to her body that's "icky". If you want her to warm up to the idea of sex or even just open up to you about her feelings, I would honestly suggest backing off having sex with her for a while, because I would wager that the pressure she feels to have sex multiple times a week is what's making her shut down on the subject.

To clarify, I agree with others that there's nothing wrong with just being sexually incompatible. But I know from experience that there can be so many reasons behind her feelings. The best way to approach it would be not to focus on "what sexual things can I do for you that you would like", because that might not be the issue at all and it will instantly put her off.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:35

@Mylittlepony374

OP. I've just read all of your posts (haven't read replies) and wanted to tell you that I believe you should leave your girlfriend. The sex is never going to be what you want. It will not change, so you (&likely her) will never be happy. Im female. Similar age to you. Over 10 years with my husband. Two toddlers. Busy lives. I have more varied sex than you. In different rooms, dressing up, in the car, playing strip poker just the two of us etc etc. It's supposed to be fun. Your post makes me sad for both you and her. Time to move on and find someone you are sexually compatible with.

Same. I read it with sadness for them both really. Neither is fulfilled or happy.

Original poster
Ac198 · 02/02/2021 09:37

I'm still here. I wasn't looking for sympathy.

I was looking for opinions and advice.

Which I have had plenty of, good, bad, measured and extreme.

I have made a list of points and questions I have found interesting and will write a letter to my partner with some thoughts and questions.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 02/02/2021 09:38

@CaraDuneRedux how is someone wanting intimacy and adventurous sex a sex pest?
I’m a sex pest then.
Why are his needs invalid just because he is male?

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:38

@Ac198

I'm still here. I wasn't looking for sympathy.

I was looking for opinions and advice.

Which I have had plenty of, good, bad, measured and extreme.

I have made a list of points and questions I have found interesting and will write a letter to my partner with some thoughts and questions.

Yet you've already been dismissed as "rebuffing all advice" 

Good plan, OP. I think that will help. I think it's the mark of a mature approach to try and find other ways to communicate with her in the absence of her talking verbally to you.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:39

[quote BigButtons]@CaraDuneRedux how is someone wanting intimacy and adventurous sex a sex pest?
I’m a sex pest then.
Why are his needs invalid just because he is male?[/quote]

Precisely.
What utter sexist twaddle.
I guess that makes me, another woman, also a sex pest then?! Grin

ginghamtablecloths · 02/02/2021 09:40

You've been together a long time and it sounds like things are not going to improve. You're too young to settle for this constant disappointment so it would be better to end it as kindly as you can.

You've been in better relationships before and can be again. It would be a kindness to both of you as neither of you seem happy. There's always some compromise in an LTR but this sounds like too much of a sacrifice.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:41

*Says it's her fault for not being adventurous and not being prepared to talk to him.
*
More fiction! Please quote where the OP says "it's her fault"?

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:41

@Ac198

I'm still here. I wasn't looking for sympathy.

I was looking for opinions and advice.

Which I have had plenty of, good, bad, measured and extreme.

I have made a list of points and questions I have found interesting and will write a letter to my partner with some thoughts and questions.

Well. It's been a long day or so. I, for one, wish you well. I hope I am one of many on here that wish you well. Whatever happens, be kind to yourself.
LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:42

*Have you tried talking to her about why she might not be that into sex, rather than what kind of sex she would like?

She might automatically shut down the latter because the truth is she doesn't want more/a different type of sex at all, or doesn't think she does.*

This is a good point.
How have you raised it with her generally, OP, when she shuts it down? What might you say for example?

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:44

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

Literally every single thread I read, where the person being portrayed is male, I think this. There's another side to every story - not just ones where the OP happens to be male.

wifterwafter · 02/02/2021 09:47

Walk away, you're young, you can start again. You only live once, are you prepared to live like this forever?

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:49

Why are his needs invalid just because he is male?

Welcome to MN Hmm
I've wondered the same many a thread!

BigButtons · 02/02/2021 09:53

@LouJ85

Why are his needs invalid just because he is male?

Welcome to MN Hmm
I've wondered the same many a thread!

Yep- been here nigh on 14 year now and it’s always the same- though I think better than it used to be or maybe I’m just being hopeful. I have been heartened by support for the op on this thread.
JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:54

I think my last post on this thread will be very thankful.

I am in touch with my emotions.

Thankfully they are not encased in glass nor anything else particularly fragileSmile

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2021 09:55

I've read your posts, OP, but not all the replies.

I'm amazed that you've stayed with this woman for 10 years and I think you should leave her. You're not compatible.

Flowers
BigButtons · 02/02/2021 09:58

@LouJ85

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

Literally every single thread I read, where the person being portrayed is male, I think this. There's another side to every story - not just ones where the OP happens to be male.

Yes - this. Sadly when the op is female the other side/ perspective is very rarely mentioned. The woman is mostly seen as correct and a victim . It only happens when a male starts a thread that people cry out for his partners’s POV. As if all men are deceitful rapist liars and all women are victims of their lazy licentious ways.
LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:59

Yes - this. Sadly when the op is female the other side/ perspective is very rarely mentioned. The woman is mostly seen as correct and a victim .
It only happens when a male starts a thread that people cry out for his partners’s POV. As if all men are deceitful rapist liars and all women are victims of their lazy licentious ways.

Yes, exactly this! It blows my mind, it really does.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 10:00

Yep- been here nigh on 14 year now and it’s always the same- though I think better than it used to be or maybe I’m just being hopeful.

If this is better than it used to be then I'm glad I wasn't here before! Can't even imagine.

Kendodd · 02/02/2021 10:01

I think this thread shows that men are as much victim of the romantic fairytale as women are.

tigerlily20 · 02/02/2021 10:03

The internal misogyny is strong on this thread. Op I hope you find the fulfilment you desire in life, good luck

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 10:03

Man - by his own admission - has sex with the inert body of his wife in the knowledge that she does not want to have sex with him.

Yes - after woman herself initiates said sex. And despite appearing not to enjoy it after initiating it, shuts down any attempts by the OP to verbally explore this through, you know, basic communication. Gosh, yes, what a bastard of a man!

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 10:05

@tigerlily20

The internal misogyny is strong on this thread. Op I hope you find the fulfilment you desire in life, good luck

Being able to appreciate a male POV and not instantly brand him as an abuser or unreasonable, when very little he has presented thus far indicates either of those things, is not the definition of internalised misogyny I'm afraid

EmptyOrchestra · 02/02/2021 10:05

Is it really that surprising that women can identity more with womens’ experiences? I would have thought that the reason for posting on MN would be to get a majority female perspective. There are plenty of forums where men can talk about how frigid women are if that’s what the OP wants. What a lot of posters here have tried to do is relate their own experiences and dispel some of the myths around loss of female sex drive. Those who haven’t experienced it make assumptions which are not necessarily true, and hearing from those who have experienced it could provide a way forward it.

As it happens we have an OP who states that his partner regularly initiates sex she doesn’t enjoy for his benefit. Then his story changes after criticism on this, saying she does enjoy it but not enough for his liking. Then that she is boring in her repertoire while acknowledging she finds other positions painful.

If you don’t think that there’s clearly another side to this, you’re blinkered. And I would say the same to a woman posting the same, but I’ve never seen a woman say that their partner initiates sex despite them not enjoying it and the woman has sex with them anyway.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 10:10

If you don’t think that there’s clearly another side to this, you’re blinkered. And I would say the same to a woman posting the same, but I’ve never seen a woman say that their partner initiates sex despite them not enjoying it and the woman has sex with them anyway.*

Of course there's another side - as there is to all these threads regardless of OP gender! But the point is, posters are rarely so concerned with the "other side" when a woman comes on here to complain about a man. Which is an interesting observation.

FYI - I mentioned yesterday about the opposite situation with genders reversed, and some pps said that they in fact had seen the equivalent post in reverse (ie man no longer enjoying sex with them and seeming to go through the motions regardless). So I'm pleased you'd at least be concerned with the male side of a female OP's similar post. You don't see that often on here.