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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/02/2021 08:59

[quote tigerlily20]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yeah I've gave up reading because it just seemed like he wanted people to say "aww diddums op, poor sexless you only having sex 3 times a week by a woman who does all the initiating, you should defo leave her"[/quote]
Yup which he's had plenty of people say. Doubt OP will come back now anyway.

FifteenToes · 02/02/2021 09:01

@BejeweledCrocs

I've been on the other side of this. I didnt enjoy sex. Loved my DP but got zero enjoyment out of sex, it was bad enough doing missionary in bed, let alone creating a performance out of it with costumes and venue changes!

I'd never have managed 2/3 times a week! I'd have found that soul destroying. I felt I had to do once a week and resented it every time.

The problem with "talking about it" is that the aim would always be to try to have more sex not less. I didnt enjoy it full stop so any suggestions on improving it just left me cold.

He would give me ultimatums but it felt like being coerced into sex.

Anyway the relationship ended. Sad but necessary. I'm now happily single. I think you have to leave.

Thank you for your honesty. I think this simple fact is often missed or avoided in these conversations - that some people simply don't like sex.

And not only asexual people. There are people who identify as straight and would say they're "attracted" to the opposite sex in various ways, but simply don't get any enjoyment from the act itself.

In these cases there's not really anything to be said or done. It's like your whole life being focused around wanting to have children and raises a family, and marrying someone who's adamant they don't want to. Just incompatible.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:03

You can't force someone to have sex they don't want.

RTFT. I think OP is fully aware of this and has repeatedly pointed out that he is not, and has never "forced" her. And that she is in fact the one initiating sex.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/02/2021 09:03

OP, a PP talked about getting trapped into a certain feeling early in her 20s and funding it hard to break out of.

This might have happened.

I can’t quite work out what it is you love about her. What would she say she loves about you? Have you also got trapped into a single groove where you are sure you love her, you just need to solve this problem?

Have you looked at the sunk costs fallacy? It applies to relationship as well as business.

Is there any way she, and you, would consider couples counselling? As an unlocking mechanism for both of you. For her to talk in a safe space about what she feels is lack of empathy, your different approaches to resolving upset (I.e you move on fast, she dwells)... don’t start with the sex issue!

Is there any possibility that she is a victim of abuse?

It is fair enough to want to feel sexually fulfilled as part of a loving relationship, it is fair enough to express your feelings if you feel a lack of physical closeness and affection. Something needs to unlock the communication about this if you are to be able to give it another try before just calling time. Counselling might just give you both that.

As this thread demonstrates both men and women have been in situations like yours, but when it is a woman in your place, the relationship with the context of sexual and political power is different.

I do wish you well OP.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:05

@eggsbenedict7

Hello OP

Speaking from personal experience.... I love my husband to bits and would never want to have sex with anyone else but did go through a phase of disinterest for sex and it frustrated me as much as it frustrated him, although he probably doesn't realise that. The less I felt interested, the more unsexy I felt and it was a downward spiral until we 'reset' it.

  1. Is she on any hormonal birth control? She might need to speak to her GP about potentially changing it as some can play havoc on libido.

  2. Try and give her more attention not in the bedroom. Touch her and kiss her at times when you aren't about to have sex and make her feel special, loved and like you fancy her and want to kiss her whether or not it means sex

  3. Assuming she does still want to be in the relationship and is receptive to point number 2, another option is to make clear how important her pleasure is to you. Maybe her her a toy which can be used by herself, and then eventually together and insist she uses it alone first to discover how it works

OP has tried the toys angle:

I've mentioned toys and slef pleasure. She said if I ever bought her toys she'd be angry and that an ex did and she just laughed at him. Also that she never touches herself.

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:06

@JumpOnAPlane

I have commented on this thread twice and so this is my third.

Firstly, please let me say. I only joined this site yesterday. Other than commenting on this thread, I have only contributed to 2 others. One about TV programmes and the other about London vs Amsterdam. I don't know as a 'newbie', but presume anyone who cares could see my posts made.

Secondly, and most importantly. I have got to say I am a bit disappointed. I joined this site for one reason. I thought I might be able to offer someone a little support. No matter their age, gender, colour, sexuality, religion or any other 'thing' that some take delight or scorn in dividing us as human beings.

Why am I disappointed? Because I think the OP was disrespected. He came on here and asked our honest opinion. He said a lot in his original post. My initial reaction when I read it was that he was in a position to ask strangers for input. Fine. That's what this forum is about right? Coolio.

Sorry but when the thread became less about the human being that reached out - the "OP", and then got, impo, diverted...

Dare I say 'hijacked', by a few people, with no kindness to the OP, no kindness nor recognition, took the conversation to another level.

At that point we failed. WE ALL FAILED. On this forum we failed to support another human being who reached out for support.

Those who chose to both derail and hijack the train have a conscience. I am willing to call them out and suffer any fallout. I guess the bigger question is...

Do you really care or are truly invested in trying to understand the life of another human being and are you open to 'actively listen' to them?

As a 'newbie', I understand I may be a little annoying for you. If that resonates with you then please...

Bring it on, sister or brother, but be logical.Smile

I kinda want to roll my eyes and say 'Juan Jesus' in a very Catalan accentSmile
foxhat · 02/02/2021 09:09

I get over arguments incredibly fast. She dwells on them.

OP I know you said this a while back but I think it's very interesting. She is telling you here that something is not working for her. I think you need to work on hearing much more what these 'arguments' do for her and how they leave her feeling. They are clearly a bigger deal for you than for her but I don't think you are taking on board the damage they may be doing to her sense of connection with you which will inevitably impact on sex life for many people.

Also when you say that you used to grab her bum playfully and she felt like she was being groped, you then go on to say that you 'don't bother' now. I think again that is a lack of connection with her experienced. You should both - you should bother to listen to a woman tell you how your actions make her feel and you should reflect on how those actions sit within a wide sphere of sexualisation and intimidation of women. Then you should not do it as you 'get it' in terms of what it means to her. Not bothering sounds a bit like you are making this her issue.

I do think you can work on your listening to her. I can see that you've not picked up on previous advice to do this but I would suggest that you put sex out of your mind for now, sort yourself out sexually for the moment so you can focus on the relationship and her needs more than I actually expect you are. There is no guarantee that this will move things on sexually but I do think that she is finding your approach a bit too 'bull in a china shop' and whilst you continue to do that you are further damaging the conditions she might need to properly talk about sex and what works/ does not work for her.

One final thought to share. You seem to expect her to put up with some discomfort for your pleasure. Maybe fair enough but you also need to be clear about when 'discomfort' becomes 'pain'. Some positions for some women are actively painful. It may be that quite a few are. Never expect her to put up with significant discomfort/ pain and find ways to make things work for both of you rather than just you.

I'd add about 'touching her' too that if not turned on, for some women, touching their genitals is painful. It is for me and I've left men who think a clitoris is like a tv remote control which you just press and turn the woman on. Read 'the vagina bible' to understand more about women's bodies and perhaps get ideas about some sexual techniques which might work for your partner once you've worked on hearing her, respecting her and creating a context where your sexual relationship can actually grow.

Or give up and walk away now as the current strategy is damaging both of you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/02/2021 09:10

@JumpOnAPlane

I have commented on this thread twice and so this is my third.

Firstly, please let me say. I only joined this site yesterday. Other than commenting on this thread, I have only contributed to 2 others. One about TV programmes and the other about London vs Amsterdam. I don't know as a 'newbie', but presume anyone who cares could see my posts made.

Secondly, and most importantly. I have got to say I am a bit disappointed. I joined this site for one reason. I thought I might be able to offer someone a little support. No matter their age, gender, colour, sexuality, religion or any other 'thing' that some take delight or scorn in dividing us as human beings.

Why am I disappointed? Because I think the OP was disrespected. He came on here and asked our honest opinion. He said a lot in his original post. My initial reaction when I read it was that he was in a position to ask strangers for input. Fine. That's what this forum is about right? Coolio.

Sorry but when the thread became less about the human being that reached out - the "OP", and then got, impo, diverted...

Dare I say 'hijacked', by a few people, with no kindness to the OP, no kindness nor recognition, took the conversation to another level.

At that point we failed. WE ALL FAILED. On this forum we failed to support another human being who reached out for support.

Those who chose to both derail and hijack the train have a conscience. I am willing to call them out and suffer any fallout. I guess the bigger question is...

Do you really care or are truly invested in trying to understand the life of another human being and are you open to 'actively listen' to them?

As a 'newbie', I understand I may be a little annoying for you. If that resonates with you then please...

Bring it on, sister or brother, but be logical.Smile

Well I'm not sure what other advice you expected people to give. Hes had every bit of advice, every solution, every opinion under the sun. You expect everyone to just blindly believe what they read in the first post? Maybe once you've been here a while Hmm you'll realise there's usually more too things and if OP wants to ask advice on an online public forum then he will get all sorts.

At that point we failed. WE ALL FAILED. On this forum we failed to support another human being who reached out for support.

Please do give over with the amateur dramatics. No one here FAILED. What a lot of cheesy crap JumpOnAPlane, the "newbie" that joined yesterday Hmm

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:13

So. As I joined yesterday I have less value?

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:14

So. Tell me your story. Why are you here? On this forum?

strawberriesontheNeva · 02/02/2021 09:16

Mate she's just not that into you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/02/2021 09:18

@JumpOnAPlane

So. Tell me your story. Why are you here? On this forum?
Who said you had less value? All I said was your first post on this thread was utter patronising twaddle. You don't get to dictate what other opinions or advice people give. Do get over yourself. Oh and no one needs to "tell you their story" ffs. No one is too bothered about why you joined either. It makes no difference to anyone.
JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:22

Oh. So you speak for all on here?
That is interesting.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:25

imagine your own Mum in this situation. Would you still take the males's side over her?*

Despite the fact you presumed I have a mother, which I don't, I'll overlook that. I'll imagine for arguments sake that it's my sister or best friend...

Sister/friend: "I really don't enjoy sex with him, it's like a chore to me, I'm just going through the motions..."

Me: "gosh sounds really miserable. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?"

Sister/ friend. "No, every time he raises it I close the conversation down".

Me: "ahh ok, so why is that? Because really, nothing will change if you don't talk to him you know. I mean, how will he ever know you're unhappy if he doesn't truly know how you feel?"

Since you asked. This is how I'd approach it. And sister or not, I'd still think it unreasonable to refuse to even engage in conversation with a partner openly about an issue that's causing a problem (for either party), 10 years down the line into a relationship.

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:27

@LouJ85

imagine your own Mum in this situation. Would you still take the males's side over her?*

Despite the fact you presumed I have a mother, which I don't, I'll overlook that. I'll imagine for arguments sake that it's my sister or best friend...

Sister/friend: "I really don't enjoy sex with him, it's like a chore to me, I'm just going through the motions..."

Me: "gosh sounds really miserable. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?"

Sister/ friend. "No, every time he raises it I close the conversation down".

Me: "ahh ok, so why is that? Because really, nothing will change if you don't talk to him you know. I mean, how will he ever know you're unhappy if he doesn't truly know how you feel?"

Since you asked. This is how I'd approach it. And sister or not, I'd still think it unreasonable to refuse to even engage in conversation with a partner openly about an issue that's causing a problem (for either party), 10 years down the line into a relationship.

It's tricky right?
tigerlily20 · 02/02/2021 09:27

Also he really hasn't said anything nice about her, hasn't really given any positives... I think if we had the whole story he's probably a person who criticises everything, but will not take criticism in return so maybe she is worried about giving him constructive criticism about how to turn her on so has given up? Also, I always wonder about threads that ask for advice but then rebuff all advice, did he just come here to moan about his oh and talk about sex with anonymous women on the internet? Clearly he didn't want any help offered.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:28

@JumpOnAPlane

Without open channels of reciprocal communication, any relationship issue is tricky, yes.

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:30

@tigerlily20

Also he really hasn't said anything nice about her, hasn't really given any positives... I think if we had the whole story he's probably a person who criticises everything, but will not take criticism in return so maybe she is worried about giving him constructive criticism about how to turn her on so has given up? Also, I always wonder about threads that ask for advice but then rebuff all advice, did he just come here to moan about his oh and talk about sex with anonymous women on the internet? Clearly he didn't want any help offered.
Sorry but I don't agree. I recollect he said he something like adored and loved her?
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/02/2021 09:31

@JumpOnAPlane

Oh. So you speak for all on here? That is interesting.
So you think you can tell all on here how to respond to a thread? Interesting.
yetmorecrap · 02/02/2021 09:32

I left my first husband because I felt the relationship for him just became all about sex. The constant bringing up of it, the ability to tell me exactly how many days it was since last time, the expectation that if we had a nice day that automatically meant sex, even with 2 small children. I felt sex should be a part of life but not constantly expected. I didn’t want to watch porn DVDs to ‘get me in the mood ‘ (this was the 80’s) . I realise now that although we got on well, when it came to sex we were simply not on the same page— so I actually opted out because whilst he wasn’t being fair to me, I clearly in some ways wasn’t prepared to accommodate his level of expectations - he wouldn’t have split- I know that- so long term I think I did him a favour- I think OP if it’s going to breed resentment you have to take that leap

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 09:32

Also he really hasn't said anything nice about her, hasn't really given any positives.

It's there if you look for it, in the first few posts.
He loves her, he values their close friendship (hence his battle with not wanting to walk away), he regards her as "unselfish" in every other regard, and he refers to wanting to kiss her "beautiful body".

CaraDuneRedux · 02/02/2021 09:32

This is such a depressing thread.

Man - by his own admission - has sex with the inert body of his wife in the knowledge that she does not want to have sex with him. Says it's her fault for not being adventurous and not being prepared to talk to him.

If ever a post cried out "there's a whole other side to this scenario" it's this one.

But no, loads of women fall over themselves to fawn over the man and massage his ego, and say what a nice guy he is, and how lovely it is that he's repeatedly "tried" to communicate with her.

I fucking despair of my own sex sometimes.

Going to hide the thread now.

I sincerely hope his wife finds someone who can sit her down and say "You don't have to live like this, with a sex pest who expects you to have sex you don't enjoy and continually badgers you for more exciting sex. You can just leave, you know. You will be much happier without him."

BigButtons · 02/02/2021 09:32

What I am struggling to work out is how/ why this miserable situation has been allowed to drag on for 10 bloody years.

Mylittlepony374 · 02/02/2021 09:33

OP.
I've just read all of your posts (haven't read replies) and wanted to tell you that I believe you should leave your girlfriend. The sex is never going to be what you want. It will not change, so you (&likely her) will never be happy.
Im female. Similar age to you. Over 10 years with my husband. Two toddlers. Busy lives. I have more varied sex than you. In different rooms, dressing up, in the car, playing strip poker just the two of us etc etc. It's supposed to be fun.
Your post makes me sad for both you and her. Time to move on and find someone you are sexually compatible with.

JumpOnAPlane · 02/02/2021 09:33

[quote LouJ85]@JumpOnAPlane

Without open channels of reciprocal communication, any relationship issue is tricky, yes. [/quote]
I have to say that is one of the most sensible things I have read on this thread.
Communication in any relationship is, impo, a beautiful key in any relationship.
Lack of communication, let us not forget, can cause wars. Personal and more.