Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

After 10 years together and you have no children as yet, if the sex is boring then it's a sign your not compatible in that regards. Seems to the when it comes to sex in your relationship, both of you are on different pages. You need to decided if this is something you can tolerate in the future or work on changing.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yeah I've gave up reading because it just seemed like he wanted people to say "aww diddums op, poor sexless you only having sex 3 times a week by a woman who does all the initiating, you should defo leave her"

Yeah I'd call it quits, if I were you.
It's not going to get better and its likely to get worse.

The fact that she clearly doesn't enjoy sex with you and puts up with it twice a week sounds appalling for both of you.

End it and move on.
You'll be kicking yourself 10 years from now, if you stay.

I think what posters such as @BibbityBobbety are missing is that we are only getting one side of the story and OP has proved to be an unreliable witness so far.

Firstly, his story has changed now he feels he is being accused of being a rapist. We've had a dramatic switch from the original reluctance described in his first post to expressions of enjoyment from someone who "won't talk about sex" ever, ever (which is what this thread is actually about).

And, sex is ALL this thread is about, at least to the OP.

Taking OP statements at face value, we can say...

1. His partner does not want to have sex with him.

1. His partner does not fancy him.

1. His partner initiates/has sex even though she gets no pleasure from it.

The reasons for this can be guessed at but only OP and his partner know the truth.

Plenty of suggestions from other posters on here.

1. Are there other reasons that his partner does not want to have sex with him? Problems that the OP cannot connect to sex as this is his only focus?

1. Does he smell? Poor hygiene- breath, body odour, smelly feet? Has he physically changed? - put on weight, lost weight, gone bald, grown a beard, rotten teeth, shaved head? Has she gained weight?

1. Does she feel pressured? What's her motivation for offering sex she doesn't enjoy? Is she asexual or gay? Is he bad in bed? Penis too big/too small?

Problems are rarely one-sided, for every action there's a reason. As his behaviour reflects, OP will act in his best interests and ultimately it's pointless offering advice to someone with tunnel vision.

She doesn't want to have sex with you for whatever reason.
She won't have an orgasm because she's not enjoying it.
She does it to shut you up.
Probably best to call it a day.
Don't blame her though.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

From what I've read.

Your partner doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't have orgasms.

She doesn't tell you she loves you or show physical affection.

She does things for you such as your tax return.

So, she does your tax returns and says she shows you she loves you in other ways. You say you do your "fair" part of the housework. How much of the mental load do you take on? You know, paying bills, generally sorting stuff out like the house insurance, checking you've got the best utilities deals? Does she do it all? Does that stuff just 'happen'? What do you do for her? How do you look after her in return? What things do you take care of so she doesn't have to think about them and carry all the mental load? Do you plan meals, do the grocery shop, cook perhaps?

Would you still want sex if you didn't orgasm? Orgasm aside, what if it wasn't a particularly pleasant experience? Say for example she got her kicks from strapping a dildo on, greasing you up and fucking your anus till she orgasmed. You don't like it. In fact, it gets sore, but you know what, she loves it so you do it to keep her happy. 2 or 3 times a week sound okay to you? No? Don't you love her? Why aren't you enthusiastic about this? Who wouldn't want to be penetrated when they don't have an orgasm? And why would you want it over as soon as possible? Why you could bend over the couch while she did it, spice things up!

How do you take cuddles and affection when they have been forthcoming? Do you try to turn it into sex? You know the answer to this and perhaps can answer your own question about why 'affection' is withheld.

Seriously what DO you do for HER that has no benefit to YOURSELF?

You want more sex. She wants less. Her 'want' is just as important as yours, more so as it's her body being penetrated. Do you see that?

Instead of asking her about sex, why not find out what she 'needs' from you, coz it sure ain't your penis.

Not many sensible replies here, but this one is. Good job!

It sounds like she is engaging in 'maintenance sex' that is sometimes referred to on these boards, but whereas most people end up really enjoying themselves when they get into it, she is probably not getting a lot from it.

I don't see how this is going to change OP. You sound fundamentally mismatched in an area that is very important to you. Fair enough if you both placed a lower value on the role of sex in a relationship but you don't, and it is perfectly reasonable to end a relationship where you are not connecting and being intimate. In fact it sounds soul- destroying for you both to try to continue it.

I think if she flatly refuses to have an honest discussion about something that is making you so unhappy then you have no choice but to end it.

I appreciate it's easy for me to say that because I'm not the one with feelings invested in this relationship, but I don't see any other way out of this. If she won't talk to you about this then you can't do anything to make it better. It clearly bothers you a lot, and for the record I don't blame you. So you either have to accept this as your life, or walk away.

there are couples out there having fantastic sex and intimate relationships. I want that. That's my motivation

Then leave! You're not going to find what you want in this relationship. So many posters have taken time out to explain this to you.

You are incompatible. How many ways can we say it.

You are coming across as someone who wants to force his partner to change into the sexual being that he wants. You can't do that to people. She is herself with her own needs and wants which you are totally disregarding. She doesn't want sex with you, she doesn't want to be touched by you. Leave her alone. Go.

Go make a happy, sexually fulfilled life in a nice house with someone else and let this woman find her own way in the world too. Then you can both be happy.

You mention that she's never been a big fan of sex either now or in past relationships. There's a possibility she could be gay or perhaps something happened during her childhood or teenage years which you don't know about.

She does want to have sex because she wants for some reason to maintain the relationship. That's why she iniates it. You think she doesn't particularly enjoy it. She says otherwise when you ask, You are probably right though. You need to tell her you need to leave because of the sex situation. She might then open up if your relationship is on the line. If she doesn't, you should end the relationship.

Those implying you are a rapist are ridiculous.

You’re both with the wrong person, won’t work long-term.

What SleepOhHowIMissYou and You ShouldLeave said. That was my interpretation, imagine being her.

There's a definate link between being expected to manage the mental aspects of the household and losing sex drive. Nothing kills your libido like having to mother your spouse.

*definite

It's tough when you have mismatched libidos. However, imagine someone having sex with you when you don't want to, many many times, to keep the peace. It's a breeding ground for resentment.

I think you need to start with your emotional relationship before you start trying to fix the problem with sex.

She initiates sex and claims to like it when asked. Have we considered that maybe she just likes low contact single position sex? Not everyone has to be thrashing about and moaning like a porn star.

We obviously won't get the other side of the story and we don't know if the OP has issues with hygiene or other off putting issues.

The only indication we can get is if we are told how was sex in the beginning of the relationship? Did she enjoy it then? Was it what OP wanted?

If this was pretty much as it is now, then it's likely the wife never liked or wanted sex. If she enjoyed it in the beginning then I'd bet something has changed with the OP.

*She has told him what the problems are though. Read through, empathy, taking all the mental load, and so sex becomes just another job.

If you're still struggling with empathy, imagine your own Mum in this situation. Would you still take the males's side over her?*

My mum is dead but thanks for bringing her into it.

I'm able to have empathy for both sides - but sadly we only see the ONE side here so we're not able to hear her out, are we. So what is "her side" that I'm so struggling to have empathy for, when I haven't heard it? Ridiculous comment.

*Plenty of suggestions from other posters on here.

1. Are there other reasons that his partner does not want to have sex with him? Problems that the OP cannot connect to sex as this is his only focus?

1. Does he smell? Poor hygiene- breath, body odour, smelly feet? Has he physically changed? - put on weight, lost weight, gone bald, grown a beard, rotten teeth, shaved head? Has she gained weight?

1. Does she feel pressured? What's her motivation for offering sex she doesn't enjoy? Is she asexual or gay? Is he bad in bed? Penis too big/too small? Problems are rarely one-sided, for every action there's a reason.*

Problems are rarely one-sided, for every action there's a reason.

1. Perhaps she's sleeping with someone else? Anyone considered that? My DP's ex was similar to OP's partner, and she was. For months before he found out.

She has told him what the problems are though. Read through, empathy, taking all the mental load, and so sex becomes just another job.

She literally hasn't said those words, they're completely your made up version of what she's said. "Sex becomes just another chore" - show me please where the OP says she's told him this clearly?

*I think if she flatly refuses to have an honest discussion about something that is making you so unhappy then you have no choice but to end it.

I appreciate it's easy for me to say that because I'm not the one with feelings invested in this relationship, but I don't see any other way out of this. If she won't talk to you about this then you can't do anything to make it better.*

This. Completely. If I was unhappy about some aspect of my relationship, be it sex or otherwise, and I tried to raise it in conversation numerous times with my partner of ten years for discussion, only to be shut down each time... I'm sorry, but I'd have to leave. To not even entertain a discussion?! It's bare minimum.

You can't force someone to have sex they don't want.
The only options open to you are to stay and put up with the status quo or leave and move on and find someone you are more compatible with.
I don't want to have any sex as I'm asexual so my hyper sexed husband left to pursue new relationships and I am sure we are both far happier now.
The important thing is is to discuss this and where you want the relationship to go. Maybe she would be up for an open marriage but this is something you need to talk about with your partner.

Hello OP

Speaking from personal experience.... I love my husband to bits and would never want to have sex with anyone else but did go through a phase of disinterest for sex and it frustrated me as much as it frustrated him, although he probably doesn't realise that. The less I felt interested, the more unsexy I felt and it was a downward spiral until we 'reset' it.

1. Is she on any hormonal birth control? She might need to speak to her GP about potentially changing it as some can play havoc on libido.

2. Try and give her more attention not in the bedroom. Touch her and kiss her at times when you aren't about to have sex and make her feel special, loved and like you fancy her and want to kiss her whether or not it means sex

3. Assuming she does still want to be in the relationship and is receptive to point number 2, another option is to make clear how important her pleasure is to you. Maybe her her a toy which can be used by herself, and then eventually together and insist she uses it alone first to discover how it works

Some of the comments on here are horrendous!😞

I have commented on this thread twice and so this is my third.

Firstly, please let me say. I only joined this site yesterday. Other than commenting on this thread, I have only contributed to 2 others. One about TV programmes and the other about London vs Amsterdam. I don't know as a 'newbie', but presume anyone who cares could see my posts made.

Secondly, and most importantly. I have got to say I am a bit disappointed. I joined this site for one reason. I thought I might be able to offer someone a little support. No matter their age, gender, colour, sexuality, religion or any other 'thing' that some take delight or scorn in dividing us as human beings.

Why am I disappointed? Because I think the OP was disrespected. He came on here and asked our honest opinion. He said a lot in his original post. My initial reaction when I read it was that he was in a position to ask strangers for input. Fine. That's what this forum is about right? Coolio.

Sorry but when the thread became less about the human being that reached out - the "OP", and then got, impo, diverted...

Dare I say 'hijacked', by a few people, with no kindness to the OP, no kindness nor recognition, took the conversation to another level.

At that point we failed. WE ALL FAILED. On this forum we failed to support another human being who reached out for support.

Those who chose to both derail and hijack the train have a conscience. I am willing to call them out and suffer any fallout. I guess the bigger question is...

Do you really care or are truly invested in trying to understand the life of another human being and are you open to 'actively listen' to them?

As a 'newbie', I understand I may be a little annoying for you. If that resonates with you then please...

Bring it on, sister or brother, but be logical.