Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

I have tried touching many times and she has moved my hand.

That's probably because she knows where it's going, and she wants to stop it before it does. It doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't like being touched if she felt she had more control over the situation. That could be why she wants sex the same way every time, at least she knows what will happen. Have you tried having sex where she has all the control? Like a game where she can touch you but you can't touch her, for example?

Whatever you decide OP, remember that you've already spent 10 good years not enjoying sex or having the pleasure of someone being enthusiastic to kiss you, cuddle you, jump your bones and make you feel desired and adored.

Your needs matter. Your desires matter. You were not put on this earth to martyr yourself for a grown woman who lacks the self awareness that the clinical way in which she has sex with you is soul destroying. Like a mother who kisses her children coldly and perfunctorily, with no warmth or feeling - it's horrible for the child. Sure she's kissing them but the child won't feel loved. It's a bit controlling to me that she dictates the style, time, pace of sex - it's not done with love, and feels a bit weaponised. Only you can decide if that's what it is or not.

It's not your job to psychoanalyse or read her mind. All you can do is let her know how you feel and what you want and if she can't/doesn't understand and take it seriously, you can walk away.

She's just not into sex, some women aren't, some men aren't.

Thing is, she knows that having sex is important to you and therefore to keeping you. But she can't fake the passion.

How did you get like this, where you ever in the 'can't keep hands off each other stage? '

She won't change, you won't change but you will start to wonder who else might be out there for you.

Or a game where you can't do anything unless she says to. That would force her to say what she wants. Or any game to slow it right back

No penetrative sex until she has an orgasm. That's a rule you should have imo.

OP if she's an active and willing participant and enjoying the sex, then of course that's different and I apologise if that's the case. But you said in your OP that you can tell she's not enjoying it and just doing it for you, which I took at face value. Sex where your partner doesn't want it and isn't enjoying it is, clearly, a big red flag.

But, what you are now saying is she says she's enjoying it. If your OP had said that she says she's enjoying it but you'd like to take it slower and see how you can both enjoy it more, I would have had a different (less red-flag based and much more compassionate) reaction. My apologies if you'd explained that better somewhere else and I missed it (it's been a long thread), but the statement in your OP seemed pretty straightforward at the time.

Also my point stands. I would experience some discomfort for her pleasure. Sometimes that can be just as rewarding in other ways

Not quite sure what younmean by this. Could you give an example of the type of discomfort you would be happy to experience for her pleasure, and what kind of discomfort you would be happy for her to experience for your pleasure? Well apart from the obvious things you've already started like she finds it painful, and doesn't seem to enjoy it. What type of discomfort are you talking about?

@LouJ85

There's no communication about sex. Seems to be plenty of communication about other issues but OP isn't interested in these because they are not 'sex' related.

Because from his point of view sex is the problem currently, so of course this is the key issue he's trying to communicate about with his partner. Is it fair that she totally shuts that down? What's stopping her from responding with "I don't want sex with you and here's why..." or "stop talking about sex, what I really need from you is x, y or z". It doesn't sound like she's offering anything to help him understand or make changes.

She has told him what the problems are though. Read through, empathy, taking all the mental load, and so sex becomes just another job.

If you're still struggling with empathy, imagine your own Mum in this situation. Would you still take the males's side over her?

@Puddinger

No penetrative sex until she has an orgasm. That's a rule you should have imo.

This

@Puddinger, I'm with you, I think once she has achieved this her enthusiam for sex will increase.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

But he also said she's been like this from 2 months in? What mental load could have been troubling her so early on? He also said she doesn't show affection, doesn't like to kiss him or cuddle (unless cold) or hold his hand... and won't give him concrete examples of what her 'load' is (even though he says he does chores and 50:50 in the house, and they have no kids). She also tells him she enjoys sex when he asks though he can sense she's lying.

So I'm not sure she has been clear on what the problem is? And withholding affection and intimacy (if that's what she's doing) as she's pissed off over something else is considered emotional abuse and a form on control too.

So she doesn't want sex but offers it because she feels obliged.

You know she doesn't want to but fuck her anyway because you "don't want to cause an arguement"

She won't let you touch her or kiss her outside of her lying there and being a body for you a few times a week.

You feel bad that she doesn't enjoy it but carry on regardless.

You really need to stop having sex on her (it's not with is it, she's basically blanking it our until you cum) and talk. I don't see how there's a future together where you don't both get increasingly damaged

@BibbityBobbety he PAYS 50:50. She takes the mental load and even does his tax return for him. He does some housework. We're clearly reading a different thread eh?

@sleepohhowimissyou

He said she does his tax return as a way of showing affection, practical things. Plenty of people do tax returns for their partner because they're better at it or it's their job! How have YOU deduced she resents him for it and isn't just an accountant?

And given she doesn't kiss him, touch him or enjoy sex with him since 2 months in - surely that's a small gesture? He also said he ran his house fine before her and she takes away his responsibilities more and more. If she were a man - this would be considered controlling. Withholding affection, making you feel dirty/bad for wanting sex, controlling your finances and tax returns and taking away your responsibilities one by one, stonewalling communication on the issue.

Also - she's been this way since 2 months into their relationship? What mental load happens 2 months in?

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

Also they don't have kids!! What mental load is so much when running a joint household when your partner pays 50:50, and does house work?

What I struggle to get my head around is that they have been together for 10 years, and for 10 years the OP has had sex with a woman 2 or 3 times a week, that he knows (and you do know OP, it's not just that you sense it. You know from her body language, you said it a couple of times but then changed it a few pages ago, by saying she told you she does enjoy it) doesn't enjoy or want it and sometimes finds it painful, but for 10 YEARS has "went along with it so as not to cause an argument". A woman that doesn't like intimacy, doesn't like being touched, finds sex painful sometimes, but gets offended if he doesn't have sex when she initiates it (which is pretty often for someone that doesn't like it). I just find that hard to believe. Someone that doesn't want to have sex or be intate would usually be quite happy to not bother, why would they be initiating it 2 to 3 times a week?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yes it doesn't make any sense, does it.

Unless this is just an exercise to excuse himself to move on.

fear of being single

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You will thank your future self.
Excellent book too by the way.

So many relationships frustrating people because of the fear of being alone.

But being alone can propel you towards an amazing relationship in the future.

Being in an unsatisfactory relationship makes you feel alone anyway....

[quote Onthedunes]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yes it doesn't make any sense, does it.

Unless this is just an exercise to excuse himself to move on.[/quote]
Apparently not though, because it's not a decision that can be made during a thread on MN, or over the course of 10 YEARS apparently!

You don't need an excuse to end a relationship at all. Being unhappy is reason enough. What is it you are waiting for OP? Apparently you've tried everything (although from snippets of your posts it's quite clear you haven't), you say she is completely unwilling to talk to you, and you are unhappy that she is unwilling to change, so what is it you expect people here to say? You've probably had every opinion possible. You've had people agree with you, disagree with you, try to pick it apart for you, help you understand what she may be feeling, give you advice on what might be helpful, give details of their past experiences and how it made them feel, their sex lives, etc, etc, but ultimately the conclusion from most people is that it's unlikely to change and you should end it while it would still be a relatively clean break.

OP if the sex was good she would want it.

I remember being in a long term relationhip. And I didn't want sex with him. At all. We were together for three years. I literally dod not want sex with him at all.

Then I met a different man, and I wanted sex with this new man all the time. I realised that the first man was just awful at sex.

Make things good for her.

Do you ever give her oral sex, and not expect penetrative sex, for example?

I love when a man gives me oral. It is sexy, loving and kind. And it makes me want to do more things for him

I've had partners who were great in bed and out, and still the novelty has worn off to the point of nothing.

Let's take sex completely out of it for moment.

You say you argue and have other issues.

Think about that for a moment and then explain what are her issues with you. What are the things from her perspective that are issues? What exactly in her words are they?

@OldAndWornOut a monogomous relationship is not natural.

I have only ever had one monogomous relationship. The sex was boring.

I am so happy being single now and being with lots of different men.

It is natural.

We are not meant to only be with one person!

Some are happy with monogamy, because it's all a bit too much effort to swing from the chandeliers.

It's nice if you can find someone that floats your boat enough that every time with them is every bit as good as less vanilla.

When you cuddle do you see that as a route to sex? Do you avoid touching her in a sexual way during the cuddle?

Maybe you’re pissing her off and it’s causing her to avoid sex with you?

How’s your personal hygiene?

You say “cumming” isn’t the end of sex for you. Maybe it is for her. Maybe she doesn’t want to go on and on so avoids it.

@Ac198

Another male perspective here.... I’ve been watching your post from the beginning but have been reluctant to respond.

I was 28 when I met a lady who was 34. We hit it off and got together very quickly. Within 6months she fell pregnant. We had both agreed that she should come off the pill and let’s see what happens.

During those first 6 months we were absolutely rampant, we were running pubs together at that point and there wasn’t a seat/bench/table that hadn’t seen action. The moment she found she was pregnant all the action stopped. Nothing. End of. She was pregnant don’t you know. That was July 2005. DS1 was born April 2006 and I wasn’t allowed near her - she’d just birth didn’t you know. I was ‘allowed’ sex (twice) in June 2007 and she fell pregnant so there was no action until DS2 was born Jan 2008. We stupidly got married December 2010 and I don’t thin we’d had sex between the birth of DS2 and December 2010. We clumsily had sex the following morning of the wedding although we were both fairly sober after the big day. During June/July 2011 she had a large birthday, 40, no expense spared, thousands spend on presents, huge party in a local country house and a known DJ. I came home in January to find out she’d fucked off with the kids and the contents of our house. We hadn’t had sex since our wedding day.

I’d always set ‘goals’ - until my birthday, until the summer holidays, until Christmas, etc and it had gone on for years. Thankfully she set it up and fucked off. I’ve never been happier as I’ve realised that sex if fantastic again, with a willing partner.

Fuck her off, start again and you WILL find happiness and crunchy sheets.