Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

To do this OP needs to understand what his partner actually needs from him. Because she certainly doesn't NEED more sex. That's clear enough.

Yes. And in order to understand what she needs from him, he needs her to communicate that to him. Which she refuses to do by closing down conversation about it.

No pint staying together. Sorry. Honestly though OP, if you think it's bad now, I can 100% guarantee you that it would be a million times worse after marriage and kids (if indeed that was the plan?!).
Better to go with your dignity intact.

@thisgardenlife

OP your hopes for your relationship were perfectly normal, so please don't beat yourself up about that side of this sad situation.

You sound to me like an empathic, kind and sensitive man who has tried his very best over many years. Your wife doesn't masturbate, she doesn't allow you to touch her intimately, she rejects even massage, and she never orgasms. From her point of view, without orgasming, sex probably does feel rather pointless, I can see that. She doesn't know what she is missing. Has she ever had an orgasm, I wonder.

I am sorry to say, as no children are involved, I think you would be happier ending the relationship and giving yourself another chance of having a fulfilling relationship where sex, closeness and intimacy are enjoyed by both parties. You can have all that you desire, but not, I suspect, with your current partner.

Everything you hunger for is natural, normal, healthy and life enhancing. Your relationship as it stands sounds very sad, and you are young enough to start again.

If you really don't want to end the relationship, as a final last try I would find a sex therapist. Relate can probably help you find one, but they need to be a sex therapist, not just a relationship counsellor. Good luck. (I'm a woman in my 60s for reference, if it helps)

Excellent post.

point

"Sorry this was my attempt at humour in response to what I thought was a heavy handed and ott reply."

I described a situation where you where penetrated 2/3 times a week for someone else's pleasure alone. Why is it OTT when it's you but fair game when it's her?

Also, my scenario was hypothetical, whereas your partner's situation is very real.

I'm missing the humour here.

So you know she feels there are more problems than just sex, you know sex is sometimes painful for her and she doesn't enjoy it, and you know she's never had an orgasm. She refuses to talk about any of those things? Over 10 years you've never had a conversation about any of it?

@LouJ85

To do this OP needs to understand what his partner actually needs from him. Because she certainly doesn't NEED more sex. That's clear enough.

Yes. And in order to understand what she needs from him, he needs her to communicate that to him. Which she refuses to do by closing down conversation about it.

Because it's not about sex for her. It's about sex for him, and only him. Do you not get it either?

^I admit I could do more to help her out. But I also feel totally unable to do that as it causes so much friction.

So I'm many ways I've buried my head in the sand.

Its a vicious cycle. I'm obviously needy, need affection and reassurance. Which i don't get and in turn I switch off.

I fully except this is half my problem.

But I wanted to see if people valued a sex life as highly as I do and it appears they do.^

I don't see how you can persist in viewing this as your partner not 'valuing' sex. What you seem to be saying is that you value sex much more than you value her. She's consenting to sex, for you, but not enjoying it. You are still having sex even though she's not enjoying it. So you are valuing having sex more than her comfort and enjoyment. Instead of stopping the sex and trying to work with her about what she might need in order to enjoy it, you're having it while she's not enjoying it and complaining she doesn't want more. It's pretty repulsive, sorry.

Sorry quote fail

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

"Sorry this was my attempt at humour in response to what I thought was a heavy handed and ott reply."

I described a situation where you where penetrated 2/3 times a week for someone else's pleasure alone. Why is it OTT when it's you but fair game when it's her?

Also, my scenario was hypothetical, whereas your partner's situation is very real.

I'm missing the humour here.

I think the forms of penetration you described were very different. When I do have sex with my girlfriend I do it in a respectful and caring way. I use it as time to try and show how much I appreciate her and her body.

I'm not just trying to hammer one in to her like a bit of meat.

Also my point stands. I would experience some discomfort for her pleasure. Sometimes that can be just as rewarding in other ways.

Page 13 nearly 14 now OP, what do you plan to do about it?

Stay and live like this?
Or
Leave?

It may be a simplistic way of looking at things but you both want different things. It’s just not going to work, ever.

@BelatedBear

^I admit I could do more to help her out. But I also feel totally unable to do that as it causes so much friction.

So I'm many ways I've buried my head in the sand.

Its a vicious cycle. I'm obviously needy, need affection and reassurance. Which i don't get and in turn I switch off.

I fully except this is half my problem.

But I wanted to see if people valued a sex life as highly as I do and it appears they do.^

I don't see how you can persist in viewing this as your partner not 'valuing' sex. What you seem to be saying is that you value sex much more than you value her. She's consenting to sex, for you, but not enjoying it. You are still having sex even though she's not enjoying it. So you are valuing having sex more than her comfort and enjoyment. Instead of stopping the sex and trying to work with her about what she might need in order to enjoy it, you're having it while she's not enjoying it and complaining she doesn't want more. It's pretty repulsive, sorry.

Let's get one thing straight, she has never said she doesn't enjoy it.

Its the impression I get as she wants it over quick and makes no effort.

And I've admitted my problem is I want more interactive sex

By definition, you absolutely are not doing it in a respectful and caring way if you are not being caring and respectful of the fact that she doesn't seem to actually want to be doing it at all, yet you are doing it anyway.

@ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove

Page 13 nearly 14 now OP, what do you plan to do about it?

Stay and live like this?
Or
Leave?

It may be a simplistic way of looking at things but you both want different things. It’s just not going to work, ever.

Its much more complicated than that. And one day on a chat forum won't make my decision quicker or easier sadly.

There has been good advice. But I'm also left feeling like I've been accused of being a rapist by some.

@PistachioPudding

By definition, you absolutely are not doing it in a respectful and caring way if you are not being caring and respectful of the fact that she doesn't seem to actually want to be doing it at all, yet you are doing it anyway.

OP has already stated sex is suggested by his partner.

Do you not get it either?

Get what? What I do get is that without verbal communication about what's going on, it's almost impossible to resolve the issues. And OP has said several times there's no communication.

@PistachioPudding

By definition, you absolutely are not doing it in a respectful and caring way if you are not being caring and respectful of the fact that she doesn't seem to actually want to be doing it at all, yet you are doing it anyway.

She invites me to have sex with her. And when we have talked about it said she enjoys it

Why not go to counselling on your own to find out what you want to do?

You have to filter out some of the more extreme comments on here from people who skim over what you’ve actually said and take only what they want from your words. Everyone comes with their own life experiences and agendas. You need to speak to someone impartial.

And I've admitted my problem is I want more interactive sex

OP, this isn't a "problem". Most people want interactive sex. By definition the act is supposed to be relational and reciprocal. Please don't think of that desire as a problem. It absolutely isn't.

@Act198 perhaps it would help you to imagine a same sex relationship for the comparison with you being the partner that puts out but doesn't orgasm. That's the situation your partner is in currently. She's having sex 2/3 times a week to keep you happy. She's not showing you additional attention so she doesn't have to dish out even more unrewarding sex than she already does. Why don't you find out what she actually needs from you. Clue. It's not more sex.

You have to filter out some of the more extreme comments on here from people who skim over what you’ve actually said and take only what they want from your words.

Yes. Please do this.

Is she on the Pill? That can kill the libido.

She invites me to have sex with her. And when we have talked about it said she enjoys it

Oh cmon, you said in the OP that you can tell she's not enjoying it. Just before you listed all the stuff you want her to do for you.

@LouJ85

Do you not get it either?

Get what? What I do get is that without verbal communication about what's going on, it's almost impossible to resolve the issues. And OP has said several times there's no communication.

There's no communication about sex. Seems to be plenty of communication about other issues but OP isn't interested in these because they are not 'sex' related. News flash! They are!

There's no communication about sex. Seems to be plenty of communication about other issues but OP isn't interested in these because they are not 'sex' related.

Because from his point of view sex is the problem currently, so of course this is the key issue he's trying to communicate about with his partner. Is it fair that she totally shuts that down? What's stopping her from responding with "I don't want sex with you and here's why..." or "stop talking about sex, what I really need from you is x, y or z". It doesn't sound like she's offering anything to help him understand or make changes.