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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

822 replies

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 16:16

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 23:34

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

From what I've read.

Your partner doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't have orgasms.

She doesn't tell you she loves you or show physical affection.

She does things for you such as your tax return.

So, she does your tax returns and says she shows you she loves you in other ways. You say you do your "fair" part of the housework. How much of the mental load do you take on? You know, paying bills, generally sorting stuff out like the house insurance, checking you've got the best utilities deals? Does she do it all? Does that stuff just 'happen'? What do you do for her? How do you look after her in return? What things do you take care of so she doesn't have to think about them and carry all the mental load? Do you plan meals, do the grocery shop, cook perhaps?

Would you still want sex if you didn't orgasm? Orgasm aside, what if it wasn't a particularly pleasant experience? Say for example she got her kicks from strapping a dildo on, greasing you up and fucking your anus till she orgasmed. You don't like it. In fact, it gets sore, but you know what, she loves it so you do it to keep her happy. 2 or 3 times a week sound okay to you? No? Don't you love her? Why aren't you enthusiastic about this? Who wouldn't want to be penetrated when they don't have an orgasm? And why would you want it over as soon as possible? Why you could bend over the couch while she did it, spice things up!

How do you take cuddles and affection when they have been forthcoming? Do you try to turn it into sex? You know the answer to this and perhaps can answer your own question about why 'affection' is withheld.

Seriously what DO you do for HER that has no benefit to YOURSELF?

You want more sex. She wants less. Her 'want' is just as important as yours, more so as it's her body being penetrated. Do you see that?

Instead of asking her about sex, why not find out what she 'needs' from you, coz it sure ain't your penis.

Id likely enjoy most of what you have described tbh

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 23:36

*Do you masterbate her, before the 3 x week penerative sex?
*
I think the OP has quite clearly stated, perhaps a few times, that his partner doesn't allow him to touch her intimately, and declines most forms of touch including massage. So how is he going to masturbate her?

Original poster

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 23:36

Because it raises all the questions. And she'll use it against me at a later date and say I didn't want it when it was offered. This has happened before

OP posts:

Porridgeoat · 01/02/2021 23:40

Sex therapist.

Original poster

Ac198 · 01/02/2021 23:42

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

So she does carry all the mental load then. What do you do for her that has no benefit to yourself or is she your 'mum'?

I'd guess the reason she holds your hand in public is because you can't turn this particular show of affection into sex.

Perhaps you do lack empathy. You clearly have no idea why she wouldn't be super excited about having sex with no orgasm (ever). Put yourself in her place.

How can I rectify the orgasm situation without talking and practice?

Basically impossible without openness.

No she is not my mum.

I purchased a house in my early 20s and ran it fine on my own. I actually feel like I've been stripped of my responsibility and then had it used against me.

At certain points I've totally given up as I can't get anything right

OP posts:

nevernotstruggling · 01/02/2021 23:43

This is such a sad thread. Sad upsetting not sad pathetic.

Op I think you need to rip the plaster off now and award you both a chance at happiness.

I was in an unhappy marriage which included a lot of intimacy dysfunction. You end up thinking god this is me. Sex doesn't work for me. Then you're single and you meet other partners and it's like your body wakes from the dead.

I think this is much more complex than mental load stuff. The relationship is dead IMO

CaraDuneRedux · 01/02/2021 23:44

@Ohalrightthen

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

If you can tell she isn't enjoying it, why the hell are you doing it?

This ^^

Frankly I think she should LTB.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/02/2021 23:46

"Id likely enjoy most of what you have described tbh"

...and here's the empathy problem again. To understand you need to imagine something that you wouldn't enjoy.

To recap. You leave the mental load to her. There's no enjoyment in sex for her. It's one more job she has to do. Mystery solved.

Onthedunes · 01/02/2021 23:47

The orgasm situation is the main issue.

Ask her, ask her if she thinks she has ever had one.

BibbityBobbety · 01/02/2021 23:47

From all your updates, OP, you seem completely incompatible on even basic affection and displays of emotion. Not liking to be kissed or touched is pretty bad news in a romantic relationship - and unpicking it would be very heavy, only done with a therapist.

Sorry to ask, but is she from another culture? I only ask as I have friends from a certain culture where relationships are about material comfort and status, and so sex/affection is not at all relevant.

I really don't think there's any compromise here without therapy. It's a fundamental difference in values - you need intimacy, touching, affection to be fulfilled. She doesn't.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/02/2021 23:50

Do not feel guilty feeling the way that you do. You and your DP are incompatible sexually and after 10 years it's not going to change. Once you accept that you can make the decision whether to stay or leave. My advice would be to leave. Time and time again you can read on here (and I know a few in real life) about couples who are sexually incompatible or leading sex free lives and it's heartbreaking.

ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 01/02/2021 23:50

Are you happy enough with this woman that you can live with her low libido (assuming that’s what it is)?
You don’t sound happy. You both seem completely incompatible. Why waste any more time? Just move on.

nevernotstruggling · 01/02/2021 23:50

I purchased a house in my early 20s and ran it fine on my own. I actually feel like I've been stripped of my responsibility and then had it used against me. At certain points I've totally given up as I can't get anything right

I honestly think ending this relationship would be liberating for you both

Fiftyand · 01/02/2021 23:51

I don’t know how you’ve lasted 10 years with her! Can you imagine another 10 years feeling like this? I would leave and look for someone more compatible.

BelatedBear · 01/02/2021 23:53

Id likely enjoy most of what you have described tbh

OP if that's the main point you got out of SleepOhHowIMissYou's post then I think your partner probably has a good point about feeling like you lack empathy. If that is what she is saying, along with that you don't emotionally support her, and you say that sex is the main thing for you, then you are being too narrow in thinking about what the problem is. This isn't just a sex issue. If you want to try to work on this I think couples counselling where you can both raise your concerns would be a good idea.

BelatedBear · 01/02/2021 23:55

Whoops cross posted with @SleepOhHowIMissYou - I'm a slow typer!

LouJ85 · 01/02/2021 23:56

*How can I rectify the orgasm situation without talking and practice?

Basically impossible without openness.*

Precisely. She doesn't want to be touched and she doesn't want to discuss it with you.

Yet you are expected to help her achieve an orgasm.

🤔

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 00:02

@BelatedBear

Id likely enjoy most of what you have described tbh

Sorry this was my attempt at humour in response to what I thought was a heavy handed and ott reply.

I admit I could do more to help her out. But I also feel totally unable to do that as it causes so much friction.

So I'm many ways I've buried my head in the sand.

Its a vicious cycle. I'm obviously needy, need affection and reassurance. Which i don't get and in turn I switch off.

I fully except this is half my problem.

But I wanted to see if people valued a sex life as highly as I do and it appears they do. And it also appears there are couples out there having fantastic sex and intimate relationships. I want that. That's my motivation

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 00:03

Good for you, OP. I genuinely hope you're able to find it.

nevernotstruggling · 02/02/2021 00:07

They do we promise.

Onthedunes · 02/02/2021 00:07

@LouJ85

*How can I rectify the orgasm situation without talking and practice?

Basically impossible without openness.*

Precisely. She doesn't want to be touched and she doesn't want to discuss it with you.

Yet you are expected to help her achieve an orgasm.

🤔

They are having sex 3 x a week. Is it a big jump to be touched before sex.

He needs to ask the question... have you ever had an orgasm?
On her own, or with any partner.

LouJ85 · 02/02/2021 00:08

He needs to ask the question... have you ever had an orgasm?

She shuts down any conversation related to sex though, when he tries. How do you propose he finds this out? Telepathy?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 02/02/2021 00:10

@LouJ85

*How can I rectify the orgasm situation without talking and practice?

Basically impossible without openness.*

Precisely. She doesn't want to be touched and she doesn't want to discuss it with you.

Yet you are expected to help her achieve an orgasm.

🤔

By not making sex just another job she has to do.

To do this OP needs to understand what his partner actually needs from him. Because she certainly doesn't NEED more sex. That's clear enough.

However, OP cannot see beyond the sex because this is the part that affects him.

thisgardenlife · 02/02/2021 00:12

OP your hopes for your relationship were perfectly normal, so please don't beat yourself up about that side of this sad situation.

You sound to me like an empathic, kind and sensitive man who has tried his very best over many years. Your wife doesn't masturbate, she doesn't allow you to touch her intimately, she rejects even massage, and she never orgasms. From her point of view, without orgasming, sex probably does feel rather pointless, I can see that. She doesn't know what she is missing. Has she ever had an orgasm, I wonder.

I am sorry to say, as no children are involved, I think you would be happier ending the relationship and giving yourself another chance of having a fulfilling relationship where sex, closeness and intimacy are enjoyed by both parties. You can have all that you desire, but not, I suspect, with your current partner.

Everything you hunger for is natural, normal, healthy and life enhancing. Your relationship as it stands sounds very sad, and you are young enough to start again.

If you really don't want to end the relationship, as a final last try I would find a sex therapist. Relate can probably help you find one, but they need to be a sex therapist, not just a relationship counsellor. Good luck. (I'm a woman in my 60s for reference, if it helps)

Original poster

Ac198 · 02/02/2021 00:17

I have tried touching many times and she has moved my hand.

I'm not going to keep doing something she is uncomfortable with.

In regards to the sex she wants me to have sex with her, it's just clearly not as pleasurable for her as it is for me. And she's rigid in how we do it position wise.

There is no force or blackmail on my behalf.

I just want w more varied fulfilled sex life. That we enjoy together. Maybe even touch ourselves together if penetrative sex is not her thing.

But there is no communication. I know some times it causes her pain in certain positions as she is petit.....

OP posts:

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