Do I expect too much? Sex and relationship advice for a male

[Ac198]

Hi

I am a 35 yo male. Been with my female partner for about 10 years. No kids. Both work. We have a nice house.

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

We do the same position and she wants it over ASAP.

I have a strong sex drive and lots of sexual fantasies. For instance I would like her to give me oral sex and then kiss me, I would like to have sex on the sofa and around the house. Maybe dress up or wear sexy underwear.

We have regimental boring sex. I would do anything sexual for her, so I'm not selfish in that respect. But she does not want me to touch her that way. If I rub her she says she doesn't like the feeling. She is happy to cuddle.

Am I expecting to much? Is this how life is? I feel totally unsatisfied everyday. I have previous partners where sex was great and we both had freedom to express ourselves.

We argue a fair bit about various things. For me it boils down to serial frustration. But I can barely mention it to her. She says I'm lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. But its over too quick. No foreplay and no after play.

If I could walk out and not have a messy split with the mortgage and be set up in a new home I would.

But our friendship, lovely home, fear of being single and covid keep me here.

I love her as a person still as well. But my attraction to her is less as I feel she is not attracted to me.

Please offer your thoughts and advice?

It is not too much to expect or unrealistic in any way to expect a partner who kisses, cuddles, has regular sex and is willing to let you touch her, have oral sex if you both enjoy it, occasionally dress in something a bit sexy/vampy. Those are hardly high or special wishes.

You will meet someone else - look at these boards, women would murder for a decent, half way well adjusted, faithful guy.

You're not trapped.

Tell her you're at the end of your tether with your perfunctory sex life, lack of kissing, lack of variety, her refusal to discuss anything about her enjoyment/potential orgasm etc.

If she won't discuss it honestly when her late is on the line, when will she?

*ltr

You have different expectations. You are not going to suddenly feel differently; and neither is she. If it is a deal breaker for you, then you must part.

Neither is in the wrong - not all women like oral or flitting about in kinky gear. If it is not for her then she does not have to do any of it.

But if you cannot go the rest of your life without that stuff, then she is the wrong woman for you.

[quote sabrinathemiddleagewitch]@Ac198

You don't make her orgasm. It's as simple as that.

So yes she wants it over and yes she treats it as a favour as she's spent 10 years giving you orgasms and not getting one back.

You have to face the obvious here that you're bad in bed and have ideas around porn.

Sit her down and say - I want to make you cum in sex, how do I do that, what can I do and I can't have sex anymore unless were both enjoying it.

If she says no she won't show you. Then you have a bigger issue.

If she says yes, work through it together. [/quote]
I don't think you read all my comments.

As one poster said I think my offers would fall on death ears, like offering a vegetarian meat

@gaijinetal

It is not too much to expect or unrealistic in any way to expect a partner who kisses, cuddles, has regular sex and is willing to let you touch her, have oral sex if you both enjoy it, occasionally dress in something a bit sexy/vampy. Those are hardly high or special wishes.

You will meet someone else - look at these boards, women would murder for a decent, half way well adjusted, faithful guy.

You're not trapped.

Tell her you're at the end of your tether with your perfunctory sex life, lack of kissing, lack of variety, her refusal to discuss anything about her enjoyment/potential orgasm etc.

If she won't discuss it honestly when her late is on the line, when will she?

Absolutely agree.

*Tell her you're at the end of your tether with your perfunctory sex life, lack of kissing, lack of variety, her refusal to discuss anything about her enjoyment/potential orgasm etc.

In retrospect maybe that's a bit confrontational .. you could say you want her to really enjoy sex and orgasm from it and you find it very disheartening and frustrating that she won't communicate with you about it.

If she answers things like whether she's ever had an orgasm, how she did etc. Maybe you can get some insight into your situation.

@EmptyOrchestra

Okay, after your last post I would say it’s not going to work.

If she doesn’t want sex at all, and is doing it 2-3 times a week purely for your benefit, and even her enthusiastically engaging that many times a week wouldn’t be enough then the gulf is probably too wide at this point.

She is someone who for whatever reason doesn’t even like to be touched, and you want spontaneous sex and kinky weekends.

It’s very possible that she has an issue like I do, or that she has never liked sex or just doesn’t like having sex with you. Whatever the reason, it’s so unlikely she’s going to go from where she is to wanting sex more than three times a week and having sex whenever / wherever.

If you don't mind saying, what is your issue??

@gaijinetal

It is not too much to expect or unrealistic in any way to expect a partner who kisses, cuddles, has regular sex and is willing to let you touch her, have oral sex if you both enjoy it, occasionally dress in something a bit sexy/vampy. Those are hardly high or special wishes.

You will meet someone else - look at these boards, women would murder for a decent, half way well adjusted, faithful guy.

You're not trapped.

Tell her you're at the end of your tether with your perfunctory sex life, lack of kissing, lack of variety, her refusal to discuss anything about her enjoyment/potential orgasm etc.

If she won't discuss it honestly when her late is on the line, when will she?

Totally agree.

*just to clarify, orgasm from sex (entire thing) not penetrative sex specifically.

OP it sounds to me with the issues around all touching etc that there is a huge gap between where she is (uncomfortable doing any physical touching aside from holding hands) and being able to feel comfortable with sexual touching. I've no idea from what you're saying what it is that makes her uncomfortable with general physical intimacy - it might be something unrelated to you, eg that she had a bad experience with someone else and all physical intimacy makes her anxious or is triggering, and counselling might be important there. Or it might be medical or something else that is unrelated to you, like allthetrees suggested.

But another possibility is that she totally gets that you want more/different sex and the focus on sex makes her feel like you aren't at all focused on intimacy. There have been periods in my relationship where I've felt like my partner is 'groping' when he's grabbed my butt on the way past in the kitchen. But at those times, it's because I've felt like our sex life has been about 'having sex' rather than having shared intimacy together. There may well be something more complicated going on. But it is also possible that she feels completely unseen in this scenario because you are focused on whether the sex is any good -I know you are interested in the sex being good for both of you, but from what you've written I think you equate sex with intimacy. I don't equate sex with intimacy. If I'm feeling really connected with my partner because we are sharing lots of thoughtful emotional intimacy (good conversations, general interest in each other's lives, affectionate gentle touching where there is no sexual element of any kind) then I'm really keen on having lots of interesting sex - and in those times I'm quite ok with having my butt grabbed in the kitchen!

TL:DR She might need more emotional and physical intimacy where sex isn't the focus or the ultimate intention, in order to feel like sex. If you are willing to try to see if this is it, I'd suggest talking to her about taking sex off the table completely for a period of time (eg a month or two) and seeing if she would be willing to start from absolute scratch to work on your physical and emotional intimacy, and gently, and very slowly over time, try to talk about what is comfortable and what is not and try to build it back up.

You clearly resent her. Reasons regardless, resentment is marriage cancer.

As is clear on your writing, you have come to a point where you are pitted against each other.

But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship

If you're willing to discuss it, what are those issues?

She sounds quite repressed, sexually, and her best form of "defence" for want of a better word, is to make you question your need to feel loved and attractive to the person you love.

It makes very sad reading, even though I've been through phases of not having any libido.

@Ohalrightthen

We have sex maybe 2 times a week. But its boring. I can tell my girlfriend is not enjoying it and doing it as a favour to me which I have.

If you can tell she isn't enjoying it, why the hell are you doing it?

^This

How horrific to do this to someone, even if they're letting you.

Geez, it's not often I find a male as feely and touchy as me, but it has happened on the odd occasion. From what you describe, your partner has always had these issues, somehow, you chose to ignore it and had a very long term and progressive relationship. Kinda strange that your relationship has progressed this long with such an elephant in the room for years. I get if you love a person's other attributes, you might stick with something for a while, but 10 years! This is how she is, it's about time you saw this, I just don't see that you are compatible that way. Likely wasting your time if looking for ways to change her, sounds like you've tried. Move on maybe?

In your shoes I would leave. I don’t see how things will change or improve.

From what I've read.

Your partner doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't have orgasms.

She doesn't tell you she loves you or show physical affection.

She does things for you such as your tax return.

So, she does your tax returns and says she shows you she loves you in other ways. You say you do your "fair" part of the housework. How much of the mental load do you take on? You know, paying bills, generally sorting stuff out like the house insurance, checking you've got the best utilities deals? Does she do it all? Does that stuff just 'happen'? What do you do for her? How do you look after her in return? What things do you take care of so she doesn't have to think about them and carry all the mental load? Do you plan meals, do the grocery shop, cook perhaps?

Would you still want sex if you didn't orgasm? Orgasm aside, what if it wasn't a particularly pleasant experience? Say for example she got her kicks from strapping a dildo on, greasing you up and fucking your anus till she orgasmed. You don't like it. In fact, it gets sore, but you know what, she loves it so you do it to keep her happy. 2 or 3 times a week sound okay to you? No? Don't you love her? Why aren't you enthusiastic about this? Who wouldn't want to be penetrated when they don't have an orgasm? And why would you want it over as soon as possible? Why you could bend over the couch while she did it, spice things up!

How do you take cuddles and affection when they have been forthcoming? Do you try to turn it into sex? You know the answer to this and perhaps can answer your own question about why 'affection' is withheld.

Seriously what DO you do for HER that has no benefit to YOURSELF?

You want more sex. She wants less. Her 'want' is just as important as yours, more so as it's her body being penetrated. Do you see that?

Instead of asking her about sex, why not find out what she 'needs' from you, coz it sure ain't your penis.

@gaijinetal

But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship

If you're willing to discuss it, what are those issues?

We have argued a lot. She would say i don't emotionally support her and that I lack empathy.

Id say she shuts me out.

I get over arguments incredibly fast. She dwells on them.

Although I work my ass off cleaning, washing, doing the dishwasher etc its not enough as she sorts the bills (we pay every thing 50 50) and feels she takes on extra responsibility.

I’m going to be direct here, @Ac198, and suggest that it is a leap for previous posters to say she doesn’t want sex and can’t orgasm.

She doesn’t want sex with you, and she doesn’t/can’t orgasm with you.

For whatever reason, that’s how it is. Talking hasn’t worked, affectionate touching hasn’t worked, and your offers to do more for her haven’t worked. And I don’t see any way out of that, the way you’ve described it. It’s already corroding the relationship, and I think it has run its course.

I feel for you, and you might consider couples counselling but will it get to the bottom of things, will it change things?

(I had my first proper orgasm after the end of my 15 year marriage/20 year relationship. I think I developed the habit of being reserved or inhibited quite young, and then the cycle could not be broken. I’ve had very many since.)

Have you read everything I've said?

She instate sex, its easier for me to go along with it rather than cause an argument

You say op that your offers are falling on deaf ears.

You are having sex with this woman 3 x week., it's not about chatting about it.

I really do not think your partner has ever had an orgasm, she may even be embarrased to admit that, there are many women who have not, yet would not admit it.

We are all presuming she knows her own body and has experienced this. If she does not masterbate and never has she probably will never have experienced an orgasm.

Do you masterbate her, before the 3 x week penerative sex?

Go to a sex councillor.
There are an estimated 15-20% of women that have never climaxed yet are under an enormous ammount of pressure from society, so do not admit this. They fake it, even keeping this from their closest of friends, it's a very difficult subject for women to discuss.

I thank those that shared their sex life details as it made me realise there are people in my situation and also those that are really enjoying themselves at all ages.

Because you were unaware people enjoyed sex after a certain age? Bizarre.

Sex is key for me. But I know my girlfriend would say there are other issues in our relationship

Such as?

So she does carry all the mental load then. What do you do for her that has no benefit to yourself or is she your 'mum'?

I'd guess the reason she holds your hand in public is because you can't turn this particular show of affection into sex.

Perhaps you do lack empathy. You clearly have no idea why she wouldn't be super excited about having sex with no orgasm (ever). Put yourself in her place.

@Ac198

Have you read everything I've said?

She instate sex, its easier for me to go along with it rather than cause an argument

I have, Ive read it all. I’m saying that you are in an unsatisfactory and ultimately destructive cycle and despite the efforts you are making, and the token gestures she seems to be making, some sort of rot has set in and it doesn’t sound loving or like fun for either of you. And I appreciate you are trying to find an answer (which she isn’t to the same degree), but I find it hard to see a way through. It’s very sad for you.

@Ac198

Have you read everything I've said?

She instate sex, its easier for me to go along with it rather than cause an argument

But you know she doesn't really want to so why would you saying no cause an argument?