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Original poster

Sex 'I've had better'

166 replies

Bellapinkfis · 01/02/2021 11:55

I am writing on here as i don't have anyone i wish to talk to about this but would hugely appreciate some advice.

My partner and I have been together a year - no children of our own - he was two .

He cooks , cleans, hoovers , is generous, is fun and is supportive . We have great sex BUT he wants sex each day and I don't. For an easy life i gave him sex almost each day but in the past he has said -
I always approach you
Sometimes you just lie there

I explained - i want sex 3/4 times a week and if this was the case i would be alot more up for it and initate .I often 'lie there' as i don;t want the sex and i feel frustrated. This has caused a few heated arguments.

Last week we had a huge row and he said 'i was boring in bed and then some other stupid comments. Anyway, he agreed to less but better sex . a week goes by, I dont want sex on Sunday night - I can feel him trying it in the bed - i gnore him and he flips out. He says i gave him the signals ! He then says people who are happy and this early on should have sex each day because they want too. He then said some rude comments, swore and was shouting at me about sex saying i havne't had a mature sexual relationship et

I turned around and said - I have had much better sex with other people. He went mental and said he doesn't want to be with me , os moving out, i am a slag etc!!!

I am shocked - immature i know but i think - he should know what it feels like to have nasty comments made. He has said vile things to me and said my sex was boring. His ego is bruised so now he is upset!!

When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks. Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

Is it common for people to argue about sex? Especaiilly after the honeymooon phase? Am i odd for not wanting sex each day ? I have never had an issue with a previous partner and having sex 4/5 times a week

I don't know ?
Please advise

OP posts:
Servalan · 01/02/2021 17:47

Fuck me - didn't realise time travel had now been invented, but a few folk seem to have teleported here from the 1950s!

Bollocks to how he "feels". It sounds like how he feels has been given plenty of priority up until now if the OP has been having sex done to her rather than her feelings and desires having any sway for the sake of her having a quiet life.

Not surprised you said you've had better. Sex where you're treated as a glorified blow up doll is shit by its very nature.

Definitely a LTB scenario

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2021 17:48

"When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks. Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?"
No, you definitely don't need this bollocks. But it's all you'll ever get from him. It will not be 'something great', so don't just close the door, slam it tight!

I feel a little ill at his behaviour. *He has no problems with having sex on (not with, on) a woman knowing she doesn't want it. And he's well aware when you don't want it, because he sees that "you just lie there". But his ejaculation is all that's important to him, not you.

Please get rid.

WeAreShiningStars · 01/02/2021 17:48

So he is constantly pressuring you for sex even though he said he would stop.

He insists on continuing with sex when you're clearly not interested.

He criticizes the sex you do have and calls you names.

You FINALLY stand up for yourself and say you've had better sex elsewhere in response to his criticism, and he throws his toys out of the pram and says he's done and calls you a slag.

A slag.

Why the fuck are you still with this guy.

Tell him to get out.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2021 18:01

@Bellapinkfis

You said:

He cooks , cleans, hoovers , is generous, is fun and is supportive . We have great sex BUT he wants sex each day and I don't. For an easy life i gave him sex almost each day

Do you call that a fair 'exchange'? He acts like a normal partner should act and demands you 'pay for it' with sex?

Personally, I'd rather do my own cooking, cleaning, and hoovering. And I don't have to 'put out' for it or any other 'things' this waste of space provides. I can be generous to myself and get my own fun. My friends or others provide support when I need it.

I may get this quote wrong, but if a person or relationship leaves you feeling confused, then it's (or they're) not right for you.

Onthedunes · 01/02/2021 18:08

I havn't read tft, you say he has 2 children from a previous union.

I wonder why that didn't last?

He has moved onto you as his previous partner got the measure of him, a self entitled, shallow arse of a man who only thinks about his own needs and wants.
He won't change he'll always be chasing the most available and accomodating piece of skirt he can find.

Yuk.

bridgetreilly · 01/02/2021 18:14

It's common to have a disagreement. But grown ups who want to be in a relationship work out appropriate compromises and don't rant and rage about not getting their way. I really think you would be better off without this guy who seems to think he deserves as much sex as he wants whenever he wants.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/02/2021 18:20

listen to what he says he FEELS about the situation

Ah, the garden variety 'menz feelz' brigade have turned up. There's at least one on every thread where a woman posts about sexual coercion or downright abuse.

Frankly I don't

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/02/2021 18:20

believe they're real either.

Friedmushroom · 01/02/2021 18:25

Team Get Rid - so many alarm bells! He is absolutely being coercive, this is the start of him trying to tear down your self esteem and placing the ‘problem’ on you. Do you know why his previous relationship broke down? If he completely lays the blame at her feet then I’d say he’s got form for this type of behaviour. You can apply to the police to get disclosure on any previous history of domestic abuse, under Clares law.

It’s not normal to argue about sex IMO - but to have an open conversation if there’s an issue, yes! You don’t owe him any amount of sex - he should want you to want to have it, rather than having it out of a sense of obligation. DP and I been together 12 years, he has a much higher sex drive than me but we make it work. If that means him having a wank because I’m not up for it so be it! He has not ONCE made me feel bad for that, told me I’m a slag or boring in bed.

Seeingadistance · 01/02/2021 18:34

There is nothing ‘great’ here to shut the door on, OP. And this isn’t a ‘blip’. This is a man who has sex with you knowing that you don’t want to have sex with him.

Get rid!

MrDarcysMa · 01/02/2021 18:36

Well he sounds like a delight.
He knows you legally need consent for sex, right ?

Emily639 · 01/02/2021 18:37

Okay looks like I’m in the minority 😆 I am only going on my own personal experience and a few years of couples therapy. I was taught that underlying all issues such as this is “needs being unmet” and once those are uncovered and met then the other issues sort themselves out. I guess it’s easier to run away from problems than face them head on. It’s worked for me and my hubby and we’ve kept the family together. If someone’s first thought is “leave” then that pattern will repeat and repeat forever. Try and sort it now if you think it’s worth saving. I guess sometimes the effort out ways the reward 🤷‍♀️

BuntysTwinkle · 01/02/2021 18:41

am i just shutting the door on something great

Of course you're not. You're shutting the door on a man who treats you like a constantly up-for-it sex doll, and sulks and shouts when the sex doll wants a night off. And thinking you owe him sex because he saw "signals" - he was literally arguing that you don't know your own mind.

He cooks , cleans, hoovers , is generous, is fun and is supportive

And if he was a great guy or even a regular guy he'd do all that without expecting a sex reward at the end of each day.

The one thing he has right is that this is the honeymoon stage of your relationship. If this is the side he's showing you now, it's not going to get any better. It's probably going to get a lot worse. End it now before you need therapy to undo the damage he'll cause.

bigbird1969 · 01/02/2021 18:42

The honeymoon period isnt over its just that you have allowed yourself to be coerced into daily sex and are not enjoying it. Sounds pretty awful....you have no kids so I would move on.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2021 18:44

You are just incompatible if you can't both compromise.

IEat · 01/02/2021 18:44

He hurt you with his nasty words and you hurt him back. Not saying to wrongs don’t make a right but I wouldn’t chase after him. Find someone who appreciates you.

I fell asleep during it once and woke up and ex never noticed 😂 thought I moved a bit more when I was awake but apparently not

katy1213 · 01/02/2021 18:46

Have you finished packing for him yet?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 18:49

@Emily639

Okay looks like I’m in the minority 😆 I am only going on my own personal experience and a few years of couples therapy. I was taught that underlying all issues such as this is “needs being unmet” and once those are uncovered and met then the other issues sort themselves out. I guess it’s easier to run away from problems than face them head on. It’s worked for me and my hubby and we’ve kept the family together. If someone’s first thought is “leave” then that pattern will repeat and repeat forever. Try and sort it now if you think it’s worth saving. I guess sometimes the effort out ways the reward 🤷‍♀️
Please just stop writing shit.

Was your experience with an abusive ex?
Is your hubby sexually abusive towards you?
If not, please stop advising such awful advice.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 18:50

Of course it's not worth the effort. The abuse will increase. How can you even dare to write that after all you've just read.
If course she should run away. It is not her problem.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 18:52

Also no therapist would ever advise therapy with an abuser or suggest they are needs unmet.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 18:53

@Emily639

Okay looks like I’m in the minority 😆 I am only going on my own personal experience and a few years of couples therapy. I was taught that underlying all issues such as this is “needs being unmet” and once those are uncovered and met then the other issues sort themselves out. I guess it’s easier to run away from problems than face them head on. It’s worked for me and my hubby and we’ve kept the family together. If someone’s first thought is “leave” then that pattern will repeat and repeat forever. Try and sort it now if you think it’s worth saving. I guess sometimes the effort out ways the reward 🤷‍♀️
He's abusive. You don't try and sort it out with abusive people because relationships with them are NEVER worth saving. Adults address their own needs, they don't use other peoples' bodies as human wanksocks to fuel their horndog proclivities and then hurl names at their girlfriend when challenged. This couple isn't married, hasn't been together all that long, he's got more baggage than Heathrow's T5 and he's conditioning her to put up with his abuse.

The only problem she needs to face head on is why in the hell her bar is so low she even got this far into a relationship with a specimen like this.

Hugoslavia · 01/02/2021 18:55

Even in the honeymoon stage, I think that I only managed twice a week (usually on a weekend). I'd rather go out for a meal, enjoy a glass of wine, read a book etv. It's irrelevant how often either of you 'think' you should be having sex. It's about how often you both want it. Being pestered is a massive turn off. He probably wouldn't like it if you set your alarm for 4am, or during an inconvenient time for him when he's not in the mood. He seems so unreasonable. Honestly, I would get rid.

FeeLock28 · 01/02/2021 19:03

Bellapinkfis, in addition to all the other points indicating that this man is behaving abusively, the fact that you say you 'give' him sex, rather than 'participate' in it, sounds as though your relationship is based on trade.

Personally, I think you deserve better.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 19:10

Okay looks like I’m in the minority 😆 yes thankfully there are v few posters condoning coercing your partner into sex
I am only going on my own personal experience and a few years of couples therapy please get a new one
I was taught that underlying all issues such as this is “needs being unmet” you were taught that forcing your partner into having sex was because his needs were unmet? Jesus please stay away from rape trials.
and once those are uncovered and met then the other issues sort themselves out so how long do you think she should be bullied into lying there whilst he fucks her body?
I guess it’s easier to run away from problems than face them head on it's certainly healthier to walk away from abuse that to justify it.
It’s worked for me and my hubby and we’ve kept the family together I'd rather raise my children as a single parent than within an abusive relationship.
f someone’s first thought is “leave” then that pattern will repeat and repeat forever. Your thought should always be to leave if you're in an abusive relationship
Try and sort it now if you think it’s worth saving it isn't
I guess sometimes the effort out ways the reward 🤷‍♀️ when the relationship is abusive.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/02/2021 19:16

It's not to be, this relationship
He doesn't care what you want or need, just sees you in relation to his own needs
And anyone who called me any of those names could take a hike