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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex 'I've had better'

166 replies

Bellapinkfis · 01/02/2021 11:55

I am writing on here as i don't have anyone i wish to talk to about this but would hugely appreciate some advice.

My partner and I have been together a year - no children of our own - he was two .

He cooks , cleans, hoovers , is generous, is fun and is supportive . We have great sex BUT he wants sex each day and I don't. For an easy life i gave him sex almost each day but in the past he has said -
I always approach you
Sometimes you just lie there

I explained - i want sex 3/4 times a week and if this was the case i would be alot more up for it and initate .I often 'lie there' as i don;t want the sex and i feel frustrated. This has caused a few heated arguments.

Last week we had a huge row and he said 'i was boring in bed and then some other stupid comments. Anyway, he agreed to less but better sex . a week goes by, I dont want sex on Sunday night - I can feel him trying it in the bed - i gnore him and he flips out. He says i gave him the signals ! He then says people who are happy and this early on should have sex each day because they want too. He then said some rude comments, swore and was shouting at me about sex saying i havne't had a mature sexual relationship et

I turned around and said - I have had much better sex with other people. He went mental and said he doesn't want to be with me , os moving out, i am a slag etc!!!

I am shocked - immature i know but i think - he should know what it feels like to have nasty comments made. He has said vile things to me and said my sex was boring. His ego is bruised so now he is upset!!

When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks. Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

Is it common for people to argue about sex? Especaiilly after the honeymooon phase? Am i odd for not wanting sex each day ? I have never had an issue with a previous partner and having sex 4/5 times a week

I don't know ?
Please advise

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 01/02/2021 16:31

The good thing about now is you have no kids or other ties to this sad fucker.

zafferana · 01/02/2021 16:38

@o8O8O8o

The trash has taken itself out 🗑️ Bye-bye trash🌬️ Job done ✔️
Grin

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Fuckingcrustybread · 01/02/2021 16:40

@Chimen

If you don’t want to have sex with him then just tell him instead of putting your head in the sand and trying to blame him for not wanting sex. Of course he wants sex everyday because he is not having sex everyday. If he was, he wouldn’t want it everyday. Instead of blaming one another sort out the real issue why you don’t want to have sex with him and be prepared to leave if it’s a deal breaker to you.
Are you reading a different opening post? You clearly have comprehension issues. Go back and read the op again. OP kick him into touch and wave goodbye.
alwayslemons · 01/02/2021 16:44

No this is not normal. He sounds selfish and cruel. Get out now.

Petitmum · 01/02/2021 16:47

Good for you for standing up to him.............he has shown his true colours.

You don't need him in your life.

Branleuse · 01/02/2021 16:48

@Emily639

To be honest, I think with all the extra stress of covid crap, a lot of relationships are suffering from the pressure. It’s inevitable that an argument about SOMETHING has come up in all relationships. I can’t believe the number of people who have said “dump him”....geez it’s no wonder 50% divorce rate in this country! Wait till both of your emotions have had time to calm down and have a civilised chat about it, explain your feelings to him and listen to his feelings - don’t concentrate so much on the “facts” of what is happening, listen to what he says he FEELS about the situation. For example if he says you always turn him down for sex, instead of arguing about whether that is true or not, listen to the feelings behind the statement - he feels unloved. You can resolve this, it just needs effort, all relationships do.
Theyre not married. Its a boyfriend whos acting all sex pest and rapey and then insults and abuses about it. All this while still OP is still actually having sex with him several times a week fgs.
VettiyaIruken · 01/02/2021 16:50

The only advice I can give is leave.
He is abusive.
This won't get better.

drinkstoomuchwine · 01/02/2021 16:57

OP - you know that expression ‘when someone tells you who they are?
Believe them’.
Odious man.

unlikelytobe · 01/02/2021 17:03

Well, he's one entitled selfish sex pest isn't he? This " I want sex every day and if you loved me you'd want it too" bollocks. You should never be giving in to his demands for 'an easy life' i.e. avoid his sulks or insults. That's no way to live and it won't get better. This is coercive control shite, he's abusive and a crap lover.

Also, there is no set amount of times a week to have sex. Some couples are fine on a few times a month if it's good when it happens, when you both want it. I presume he always wants full sex and anything less i'e his orgasm isn't good enough? So unimaginative and self absorbed! Get rid asap.

PurpleRainDancer · 01/02/2021 17:06

He’s repulsive you are well rid.

notalwaysalondoner · 01/02/2021 17:09

Sounds like mismatched sex drives combined with a highly unpleasant man.

DH and I DTD maybe 1-2x per week. Less since we stopped TTC as more than a year of scheduled ovulation sex gets tedious, and I'm less in the mood now I'm pregnant. When we first got together it probably was 4x per week but we didn't live together and were 18 so it wasn't the same...

ZippedyDooDa · 01/02/2021 17:09

@Emily639 'don’t concentrate so much on the “facts” of what is happening, listen to what he says he FEELS about the situation'

What on earth have I just read - there is a word for this: gaslighting.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2021 17:09

Please dump this abusive arsehole. He is vile

Blondiney · 01/02/2021 17:10

My undercarriage dried up just reading that. His attitude is repulsive.

Standrewsschool · 01/02/2021 17:10

He doesn’t respect you. It is normal to have different se drives, but he should respect your needs, and vice versa. So far, you have been the one to compromise, and it’s not making you happy.

You say you have ‘great sex’, and then say ‘you lie there’ and feel ‘frustrated’. Not that great then.

You are not odd for not wanting sex each day. Envisage the future, do you want to beholden to him, to provide sex every day, or not.

SunshineCake · 01/02/2021 17:11

TBH I couldn't be bothered read the whole of your first post as it is obvious you need to end this. He is pressuring you. You don't give anyone sex He is horrible and this will not get any better. He is being cruel. Why would you want to be with someone like this?Confused.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 01/02/2021 17:12

Fuck. That. Shit........DUMP!

Holothane · 01/02/2021 17:12

Get rid now my ex was like this sex was crap I only married him to get away from the family, on our wedding night I thought well you’ll have have great sex but your away from that lot. It never got any better, I relied on fantasy crushes to survive it it or just lay there you’ve no kids please please leave. The insults will wear you down,,

Years later it turns out I have physical problems not in my head as a thought, hugs get packing now.

zigzog44 · 01/02/2021 17:12

My husband would happily have sex everyday, I’m happy for twice a week, he never pressures me into it though and accepts that I don’t want sex, as often as he does.
Your partner is coercive and unkind, you need to think about what steps you want to take next. No one should be forced into sex.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/02/2021 17:16

Sex pest. He could have less sex he won't die for lack of it, but he's using sex to control you.

Tedious, you won't be able to put up with that for years on end so just get rid.

You'll be fine with the right man. He isn't the right one.

Holothane · 01/02/2021 17:16

Meant to never have great sex.

Oly4 · 01/02/2021 17:18

No he’s abusive and this won’t improve. He’s bullying you to have sex you don’t want.
Believe me, after you’ve had a baby you will only want sex once a week if that, it’s so exhausting.

silverbubbles · 01/02/2021 17:19

God he sounds awful. Sounds like he needs castrating.

Ellie56 · 01/02/2021 17:20

When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks.

You were right OP. You don't need this bollocks. He is a nasty coercive twat. Get rid.

Jenasaurus · 01/02/2021 17:37

It looks like your not sexually compatible to be honest, I think his need to have sex daily and yours to have better quality but 3-4 times a week and when you are in the mood is fine but the words said on both sides are hurtful, to be told you are boring in bed, is horrible and I suspect you lashed out with what you said in response to him pestering you again and making that horrible comment. It may have been true, you may have had much better sex with other people, which may also mean you are not in tune on that level. I feel sorry for you, as I can see you want to try and salvage the relationship, but to be honest on both sides you will never forget the things said, they will always be in the back of your minds. In this situation I would move on.