Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex 'I've had better'

166 replies

Bellapinkfis · 01/02/2021 11:55

I am writing on here as i don't have anyone i wish to talk to about this but would hugely appreciate some advice.

My partner and I have been together a year - no children of our own - he was two .

He cooks , cleans, hoovers , is generous, is fun and is supportive . We have great sex BUT he wants sex each day and I don't. For an easy life i gave him sex almost each day but in the past he has said -
I always approach you
Sometimes you just lie there

I explained - i want sex 3/4 times a week and if this was the case i would be alot more up for it and initate .I often 'lie there' as i don;t want the sex and i feel frustrated. This has caused a few heated arguments.

Last week we had a huge row and he said 'i was boring in bed and then some other stupid comments. Anyway, he agreed to less but better sex . a week goes by, I dont want sex on Sunday night - I can feel him trying it in the bed - i gnore him and he flips out. He says i gave him the signals ! He then says people who are happy and this early on should have sex each day because they want too. He then said some rude comments, swore and was shouting at me about sex saying i havne't had a mature sexual relationship et

I turned around and said - I have had much better sex with other people. He went mental and said he doesn't want to be with me , os moving out, i am a slag etc!!!

I am shocked - immature i know but i think - he should know what it feels like to have nasty comments made. He has said vile things to me and said my sex was boring. His ego is bruised so now he is upset!!

When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks. Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

Is it common for people to argue about sex? Especaiilly after the honeymooon phase? Am i odd for not wanting sex each day ? I have never had an issue with a previous partner and having sex 4/5 times a week

I don't know ?
Please advise

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 15:36

@Emily639

To be honest, I think with all the extra stress of covid crap, a lot of relationships are suffering from the pressure. It’s inevitable that an argument about SOMETHING has come up in all relationships. I can’t believe the number of people who have said “dump him”....geez it’s no wonder 50% divorce rate in this country! Wait till both of your emotions have had time to calm down and have a civilised chat about it, explain your feelings to him and listen to his feelings - don’t concentrate so much on the “facts” of what is happening, listen to what he says he FEELS about the situation. For example if he says you always turn him down for sex, instead of arguing about whether that is true or not, listen to the feelings behind the statement - he feels unloved. You can resolve this, it just needs effort, all relationships do.
You can't believe people have said dump him when she just lies there to have sex or he calls her names?

How many times do you do that with your partner if you think that's ok?

misskick · 01/02/2021 15:38

He will only get worse, get rid he is abusive!

user47000000000 · 01/02/2021 15:39

Sorry you’re going through this. Dump him soon. He is being awful. Plus It’s hard being a stepmom and only worth it if your guy is a hero Flowers

CorianderBee · 01/02/2021 15:42

Honestly I couldn't do sex every day nor his attitude towards it. It's not a blip, it's sexual abuse to manipulate someone into sex.

Anonanon12 · 01/02/2021 15:47

Get rid.... I can't imagine what he'd be like if you went down to only wanting sex once a week or even once a month, or if kids came along and you just didn't want it for months!

Cannethink · 01/02/2021 15:48

Emily639.

What a load a horseshit.

You know the answer OP. Be grateful you found out that he is a completely selfish bastard before you got in any deeper. It's men like that that make lots of women very glad to be single and women like me from ever dating again should they get divorced! You don't need that boring, abusive shite in your life.

GreySkyClouds · 01/02/2021 16:00

Whose house is it?

If he can go...he should!

GCITC · 01/02/2021 16:03

Why would you stay with a man who thought it appropriate to call you a slag?

DinnaeFashSassenach · 01/02/2021 16:04

I couldn't understand how sex would be enjoyable if the partner didn't want to. Ew.
I don't think I'd like to stay with a bloke like that. Sex by coercion is rape.

wintermoths · 01/02/2021 16:07

Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

I can say with absolute certainty that you are definitely NOT shutting the door on something great.

Tal45 · 01/02/2021 16:08

Different sex drives early in a relationship is something that just doesn't work IMO. There's always one of you feeling miserable. That's aside from the BS he's putting on you. 3/4 times a week is a lot more than I want it, find someone you don't feel obliged to put out for when you don't really want to. A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work. x

wsbts · 01/02/2021 16:10

Pack his bags put them outside and change the locks is best advice as he sounds a total nightmare and best rid. He needs to grow up and show respect

Best of luck OP

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:11

I don't even think it's his sex drive. Sex is a way of controlling you and getting what he wants.
Let him be single and have this sex drive with his hand.
See how he likes that.
He wont hang around for long until he's on the prowl with someone else

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 16:11

He knows you're not very interested as you lie there but he will willingly fuck your body regardless.

Do not get back with him.

Raise your sense of self worth. You think you might be missing out on a good thing with a guy who is happy to fuck your body even when you're not interested.

That's without anything else that's wrong with Your relationship

TurquoiseDragon · 01/02/2021 16:11

@wintermoths

Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

I can say with absolute certainty that you are definitely NOT shutting the door on something great.

This. Definitely.

He's not that much of a catch with his sex pest and entitled behaviour.

MzHz · 01/02/2021 16:12

@wintermoths

Or am i just shutting the door on something great and we just need to get through this blip?

I can say with absolute certainty that you are definitely NOT shutting the door on something great.

Ditto...

When i was listening to him last night , i thought - i don't need this bollocks.

No love, you don’t

He isn’t the one for you.

AND he has kids, so you will end up in the perma-wrong StepMum camp too!

Get out now!

user1481840227 · 01/02/2021 16:15

Look he's an asshole, but you need to take responsibility here yourself for your own choices and your own wellbeing.

If someone treats you this way then you need to leave because you can't control someone elses behaviour, you can only control your own.

Coercive sex can be incredibly damaging and lead to a lot of sexual trauma so please leave this relationship Flowers

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 16:18

Get rid! Do not ever ever entertain a sex pest, no matter how 'good' they are otherwise, underneath lurks a controlling twat.

glassacorn · 01/02/2021 16:19

Saw this earlier. Feels like it applies.

Sex 'I've had better'
Washimal · 01/02/2021 16:19

He "feels unloved"??

Why is it that some women are so desperate to justify shitty behaviour from entitled men? If a man repeatedly pesters his partner for sex, sulks and calls her names because she 'only' wants sex 5 times a week it must be because he feels unloved. If he shouts at her and calls her a slag it must be because he feels unloved...Give me strength Hmm

Maybe some men don't fucking deserve to be loved by women like OP until they've learned how to conduct themselves in a healthy relationship!

MzHz · 01/02/2021 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 16:26

To be honest, I think with all the extra stress of covid crap, a lot of relationships are suffering from the pressure. It’s inevitable that an argument about SOMETHING has come up in all relationships but that's no excuse for coercing you into sex and verbally abusing you of you don't comply..I can’t believe the number of people who have said “dump him” because he's an abusive arsehole...geez it’s no wonder 50% divorce rate in this country! when women can pull together to call out this type of behaviour from men. Don't Wait till both of your emotions have had time to calm down and have a civilised chat about it, explain your feelings to him and listen to his feelings - don’t concentrate so much on the “facts” of what is happening, listen to what he says he FEELS about the situation because none of it excuses him coercing you into sex and verbally abusing you. For example if he says you always turn him down for sex, instead of arguing about whether that is true or not, listen to the feelings behind the statement - he feels unloved. You can resolve this, it just needs effort to walk away and understand you deserve better all women relationships do.

Hey o think o corrected your typos @Emily639

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/02/2021 16:27

You deserve better than this.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:29

@glassacorn

Saw this earlier. Feels like it applies.
That's a good ad. Wish they hadn't used the word missus though Hmm
CleverCatty · 01/02/2021 16:30

@Silenceisgolden20

Get rid of him. He's being coercive and abusive
This.

I couldn't be with someone like this.