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Original poster

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

166 replies

Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:12

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

OP posts:
Completelyfrozen · 31/01/2021 18:26

Have you always had mismatched libido? Or is this a new thing?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 18:29

Only two years in and it's already been shit for quite a while. This relationship is doomed so please stop wasting your time. Your boyfriend is an arsehole.

J1llae · 31/01/2021 18:31

I feel for you. I have been in this position before and it drives you crazy.
Unfortunately, I think there is something else going on here. Could be medical or otherwise. Is he spending a lot of time away from you on his computer, laptop or mobile? If he is they might be worth checking to see what you can find.
I don’t like the way he responds to you. You have a genuine worry that he should be able to discuss in a considerate manner if he cares for you.

mylovelydd · 31/01/2021 18:31

Two years you have been with him? Get rid of him now. Life should still be fun and easy at two years in.
The sex life will not improve. He has zero interest in fixing it. Does he exhibit any kind of libido in any other way?
I doubt there is anything wrong with your seduction technique by the way. He sounds like a disgusting waste of space. Makes no effort to sort out his lack of libido then has the gall the criticise you for your apparent technique. What an utter cunt.

mildlymiffed · 31/01/2021 18:32

You have mismatched sex drives.

His way of shutting you down though is really patronising, and minimises your feelings. That isn't fair.

How do you feel about him? If you think that this could always be the way, can you live with that?

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:32

For the first 6 months he was all over me. Wanted sex several times a day. He knows that I would have sex every day and would never turn it down as I have a high sex drive. It dwindled off after that and I think the start of our relationship was him being on best behaviour. He mentioned one time about being on anti-depressants in the past and it wiping his libido but he isn't on them at the minute and regardless he refuses to talk about him not wanting sex in the context of our relationship.
The reason I'm so upset is that he knows how insecure I am at the minute about my body. The start of lockdown last year caused me so much stress that I came out with a new type of psoriasis overnight and am covered in spots. I fear that maybe he just doesn't fancy me anymore even though he denies it.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 31/01/2021 18:34

I have been in this position too. The gaslighting and failure to acknowledge the issue is the worst part and makes you crazy and really affects your self esteem. Being alone with no sex is ten times better than that.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:35

He was so dismissive of me being upset and just said he didn't want an argument. I don't want that either but I'm so upset at being shut down all the time and not allowed to mention it at all. Him actually saying to me that it was completely my fault made me see absolute red. What about his seduction technique? What is he doing?Angry

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 31/01/2021 18:36

Just read your update. Sounds like you are dating my ex. Does he smoke weed?

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:37

@prawncocktailpringles it's awful,isn't it?Sad Another reason why it upsets me so much is that he knows how desperately I want a child and he said (pretended) he wanted that too. So now I've just turned 39 while he is 34 and he has wasted my last chance. I hate him so much right now for wasting my time and for blaming me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:38

@prawncocktailpringles yes, he does!!! He drinks too much as well but he has given that up for the minute so it's just weed.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 31/01/2021 18:39

I remember thinking that I could cope without sex for a while if he would acknowledge it and discuss it and try to find a solution. I couldn't understand how it would go from everything to nothing. Closest he got to explaining it was that he found it harder to have sex with someone once he knew them well. Seemed fucked up to me. Anyway, that was one of many issues and i am well rid.

The problem here isn't the sex but how he commumicates with you about it and his failure to acknowledge your needs. That's not a relationship.

wintermoths · 31/01/2021 18:40

You have much bigger problems than the lack of sex.

He is just a horrible man. His lack of respect for you, his inability to discuss this issue, his contemptuous switching of blame to you.

This is a terrible relationship in many, many regards. Find someone better.

prawncocktailpringles · 31/01/2021 18:41

[quote Dramallama82]@prawncocktailpringles it's awful,isn't it?Sad Another reason why it upsets me so much is that he knows how desperately I want a child and he said (pretended) he wanted that too. So now I've just turned 39 while he is 34 and he has wasted my last chance. I hate him so much right now for wasting my time and for blaming me.[/quote]
My stoner loser ex strung his previous (lovely) ex on for years on the children issue. Please dump him. People act like weed is harmless. It really isn't. It can steal years from you and saps your energy.

sapnupuas · 31/01/2021 18:43

I don't think either of you are doing anything wrong, you just aren't compatible. He's probably feeling pressured which is making things worse, which may be why he's blaming you. I don't know.

The situation is unlikely to change so you need to decide if you want a relationship with an unfulfilling sex life, or if you'd be better off finding someone new.

Alicew00 · 31/01/2021 18:43

My bf still wanted sex even though he had smoked it. Something is either making him depressed and causing him to be a horrible person to you or he is really is just a evil person and you deserve better.

Blacktothepink · 31/01/2021 18:44

Don’t have kids with this looser, cut your looses and leave now.

prawncocktailpringles · 31/01/2021 18:44

The thing is you can still have kids (I have an ancestor in the 19th century who had a child at 47!) but even if you don't you will be fine and it will still be better than this. I am single and childless and there is not a day that goes by where I am not thankful I am not with him (or any other dickhead).

Hailtomyteeth · 31/01/2021 18:44

Run.
A friend of my dd is married to a man who doesn't want sex. She has his name and a baby but that seems to be it. It's hard to accept when you're 37.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:45

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I have no choice but to end this. Sex has been shit for a year and a half and getting progressively worse. I know I have an equal part to play in this but for him to put the entire blame on me is dispicable, in my opinion. He hasn't even tried to contact me which shows he thinks I should come crawling back to him. Or maybe he would just say he doesn't want an argument about it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 18:45

Op I mean this gently but you say you’ve had bad psoriasis for the past year, could he love you, fancy you but find that difficult to deal with and doesn’t want to hurt you? 💐

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:53

@Bluntness100 I honestly think that too but if he told me that in the right way I would totally understand. I'm still in good enough shape physically but I understand how spots all over my body could put somebody off. I just feel so unattractive generally. I previously got a lot of male attention and still do but I wouldn't have enough confidence to sleep with anybody else as they would get to see how bad my psoriasis is right now. It's only on my body and not my face so I can hide it with clothing at the minute. That actually might be why I've put up with this for so long. I possibly just need to be on my own but the issue is that I always wanted children and he promised me he wanted that too.

OP posts:
BeverlyHa · 31/01/2021 19:03

This is upsetting and normally yes, is a sign of the man hiding something from you, wether is about him dreaming of .....other types of women, other types of activity........or being affraid you will get pregnant.....whatever the reason is, it is not a relationship which is one that is beneficial for you.

You will never know if he does not talk to you and the fact is not honest about the root cause of such behaviour is another sign he hides something which is slightly or a lot off.

Make up your mind what you would like in relationship and act until you have options. I do not want options mean in your situation.

Many of us here are older, and overweight and so on and the physical is thriving. Why not your physical thriving too? Take care. You deserve love and happiness.

BeverlyHa · 31/01/2021 19:04

sorry, meant i do not know what options are in your situation

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2021 19:07

[quote Dramallama82]@Bluntness100 I honestly think that too but if he told me that in the right way I would totally understand. I'm still in good enough shape physically but I understand how spots all over my body could put somebody off. I just feel so unattractive generally. I previously got a lot of male attention and still do but I wouldn't have enough confidence to sleep with anybody else as they would get to see how bad my psoriasis is right now. It's only on my body and not my face so I can hide it with clothing at the minute. That actually might be why I've put up with this for so long. I possibly just need to be on my own but the issue is that I always wanted children and he promised me he wanted that too.[/quote]
Isn't psoriasis made worse with stress?

Maybe getting rid would help? There's no reason to stay with him anyway