I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

[Dramallama82]

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

@SushiSoozie

There's another thread running now about a woman whose partner tries to coerce her into sex and sulks and complains when she wont. It was (rightly) pointed out by all that it is never ok to to try to push anyone into having sex if they don't want to, and that its pretty rapey to do so by arguing about it, or acting frustrated and grumpy when you don't get it.

On this thread though the person who doesn't want sex is a narcissist who "witholds sex as control".

Obviously this man sounds like he has other issues and the relationship sounds terrible, but the point should still be the same for both sexes....you should never ever push people for sex and you aren't owed it from anyone.

@SushiSoozie I thought I was going mad, I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed this. People on this thread have called him an abuser and all sorts...

Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. why on earth would he want to have sex with someone who resents him for not wanting it often enough?

He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time Honestly imagine this! If I didn't want to have sex and my DP started shouting at me about it, going on about it all the time I think I would walk out.

He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. I honestly do not blame him. When you try to initiate sex you already have an idea in your head that he will reject you, so you probably go in with an attitude that stinks. You have already said that your resent him, what part of that is supposed to be appealing to him? It seems he phrased it terribly, but he's probably sick to the back teeth of having to defend himself for not wanting sex.

I'm sorry, but this whole thread has actually really irritated me. You are clearly a terrible match, just move on for goodness sake.

@prawncocktailpringles your cats are adorable. This is one of mine when she was a kitten.

@Whyistheteacold thank you for your comment. It is not just sex that he won't let me talk about. Anything he doesn't like the sound of and I am told "stop" repeatedly or to be quiet. It really takes its toll after a while. I am literally not allowed to discuss anything about our relationship or I get shut down.
Also, we agreed about a year ago that we were going to try for a baby after I had a miscarriage so that is why I feel resentful. I feel like he made false promises. It would have been absolutely fine if he hadn't wanted to start a family as then I could have made the decision whether to walk away and try on my own. I feel he has wasted my last chance and yes, I am angry about that.

Awww, baby!

[quote Dramallama82]@Whyistheteacold thank you for your comment. It is not just sex that he won't let me talk about. Anything he doesn't like the sound of and I am told "stop" repeatedly or to be quiet. It really takes its toll after a while. I am literally not allowed to discuss anything about our relationship or I get shut down.
Also, we agreed about a year ago that we were going to try for a baby after I had a miscarriage so that is why I feel resentful. I feel like he made false promises. It would have been absolutely fine if he hadn't wanted to start a family as then I could have made the decision whether to walk away and try on my own. I feel he has wasted my last chance and yes, I am angry about that.[/quote]
I do understand your anger, and I am sorry for your miscarriage op I really think you are completely incompatible. I apologise for my comment as I didn't realise there were other issues beyond the lack of sex from the original post. If he wont allow you to discuss any problems then I really don't see how it can get better.

Has it always been like this or worse since the miscarriage? I'm just wondering if he has unresolved issues around this and if that is why he has shut down, not that this makes it any easier for you.

@Whyistheteacold thank you so much. I appreciate your comments.

He has always been like that. He seems to have an issue with any sort of conflict and when I say conflict, I mean starting a discussion that he doesn't like the sound of. I'm not talking about me screaming at him or anything. The other day I honestly did start the conversation off very calmly but it was him telling me to stop over and over and to be quiet that raised my temper. It was also the way he behaved when I started crying. He looked like he couldn't give a shit that I was upset about this.

As it is to do with whether he still wants a child with me or not I feel it has to be discussed. I don't have time on my hands to brush it under the carpet and need to know one way or the other where I stand. As you say, we are just incompatible and our communication styles don't match.

He has issues going back to his childhood (mum is/was an alcoholic) and I know she used to lose her temper all the time with him and his siblings. I have such sympathy about that but at the same time I'm not having my needs met in this relationship so best to end it now.

He still hasn't got in touch. I know I equally could contact him but I'm always the one doing the running. I'm a people pleaser and like to make up quickly after arguements but this time I'll have to stand my ground.

Narcissists dont want to resolve issues.
It's also really common of them to accuse you of being angry or starting arguments when you are simply trying to resolve discussions.

And no, they dont care that you are upset. Infact I've seen them look at you as if you are malfunctioning when you do. Only time they care about your pain is when they are happy they have caused it, then you'll see the narcissistic smirk. Which is a dead give away as to what they are as normal ppl dont smirk at other peoples hurt, anger or upset. I wonder if you've seen it?

You should keep him gone either way. He is crazy and will drive you crazy.

@Dramallama82 I completely get that he has his own issues with his mum losing her temper, and that this can probably be triggered in what would be normal healthy arguments between other couples, but at the same time it is not fair for him to use that to decide whether or not you two can talk about an issue.

If you are starting the conversations calmly, and not in the context of just after an argument and he will still not engage there is nothing more you can do.

Honestly op, even if he does decide he still wants a child with you, I would question is that really what you want? I get that you want a baby but do you really see it with him if you feel like he doesn't even care when you are crying in front of him? What sort of father would he realistically be? What if you disagree on a decision to do with DC?

The saving grace that you have at the moment is that you do not already have a child, there is nothing tying you to this man which means that you still have the opportunity to start over and find the right partner that will give you what you need out of a relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing by not running after him and standing your ground on this occasion, maybe it will force him to have an actual conversation! In this case it is clear that the issue with the sex is just a symptom of the deeper problems, which makes me feel like a right idiot as my first comment was completely off the mark

I really feel for you op.

In this case it is clear that the issue with the sex is just a symptom of the deeper problems, which makes me feel like a right idiot as my first comment was completely off the mark

in my defence - i was still very het up about the other thread

I bet my dear old Granma’ you’ll be in touch with him by tomorrow.......

Prove me wrong...

You really have dodged a bullet here. You sound like a lovely person and he sounds like a total dick. Please be kind to yourself. If you had a child with him I dont think he would be a good partner or father as he can't communicate unless it's on his terms. Move and and good things will be ahead for you. You sound far too good for him !

@Whyistheteacold thank you and don't worry at all. You weren't to know.

I know the thread you're talking about and did at first feel the situation was very similar to mine with roles reversed. The replies on that made me question my own stance on this matter until I delved deeper and realised he was abusive to her in so many ways. I don't blame you for initially thinking what I was doing was the same.

@Fabiofatshaft may I ask why you think that?

I smoke weed and I'd have sex everyday.

I think your relationship has just run it's course.

If you want children maybe it's time to move on.

All this he's taken my last chance is really just nonsense and your own fault if you stay.

Don't be a martyr.

OP, you've been with him for two years and for a year and a half of that, you've been arguing about sex.

If someone spoke to me like my dad and told me to speak to them in a 'calm voice' they'd be told to stick their condescension up their arse. He's openly mocking you, talking about a 'huffy face' and telling you that you have to work on your technique like he's auditioning you for a pole dancing gig.

Why the fuck are you still there?

Oh, has he gone? Good.

I have all your things packed up if you want to call to get them, and leave me my key

Just received this from him which proves I was right to walk away. So he will throw 2 years down the drain without so much as a discussion. I am very upset about this but I have to stay strong.

Should I reply?

I would tell him you'll post the key back and for him to throw away the stuff if you don't need it. Send the key back via signed delivery.

Do you have a friend or family member that can collect your things? If so I would send them over tonight or tomorrow. Whenever you know he 3I'll be in. But dont tell them they are coming.

Otherwise, maybe just text him that he can post them to you?

But I wouldnt reply tonight (fuck him, let him think you dont care). Or if you do then keep it short like 'Ok. I'll arrange something'. Then dont reply to anything else he sends.

*whenever you know he will be in. But dont tell him they are coming.

Or as above poster suggested.

He can come and get his own blummin key. He always wants to be in control doesn't he. Stay strong op 💐

Thank you everyone for the replies. I need to decide what to do as quite emotional right now. At least I'm out grocery shopping so keeping busy.

Whatever happens he won't get a reply tonight or maybe for a day or two. I'm not jumping at his command. He can go fuck himself (pardon the language).

Haha yes! Let him stew for a change.
Just be aware he might text you other stuff to try get a rise when you dont respond. Maybe block him, at least for now.

@Wanderlusto it will be driving him crazy that he wrote that and I didn't just reply straightaway. He will hate it. I don't really have any of his stuff here (except the key) and anything I have at his house I can write off. He can keep my things for all I care if he's using it as an excuse for me to come crawling to him and come to his house. He only lives a 10 minute walk away so if it comes to it he get get off his ass and come to my house to get his key himself.

Go you! There is a thread by a girl whose boyfriend dumped her by text and she never texted him despite really wanting to. It was such an empowering read. Drove him nuts. She was devastated at first but quickly felt better. Will see if I can find it to motivate you.