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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

166 replies

Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:12

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 04/02/2021 14:19

I hope you are OK. Thank God you are not having kids with him. Lucky escape.

fimimifi · 04/02/2021 14:28

Hope all is ok OP?

Meggymoo777 · 04/02/2021 14:39

Jesus, just got the end of this thread... hope you're okay OP??? Probably too late but leave the key outside and lock your doors!

Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 14:44

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in replying but it has taken me a while to calm down. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm still shaking. Luckily he went away without a fight. I was worried about him causing a scene in front of the neighbours which has happened previously. I put his key under the mat outside and messaged him to let him know. I then hid upstairs. Just looked and he has taken it and left all my belongings outside. A bit embarrassing but could be a lot worse.
Thank you so much for all the help and advice. Hopefully that's the end of it and I don't hear from him again. How dare he come to my door when I expressly told him not too. Agressive shit!!

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 04/02/2021 14:51

Phew!!! Maybe a take away and a bottle of wine and cuddle with the cats is in order

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 14:56

Thats good he has been and gone at least.

I'd read up on 'narcissist hoovering techniques' (when they try get you back/to ger you to pay them attention). And maybe 'the narcissists smear campaign'. Just so you can be ready for any shit he might pull in future (eg: when he realises you arent going to beg for him back).

Bit I'm so pleased for you op! You're free! :)

RandomMess · 04/02/2021 15:23

Glad you are ok Thanks

changingmine · 04/02/2021 15:31

Wow what a drama!

I imagine you're feeling shocked and upset but I can tell you from. the outside looking in, you owned this my friend. He rejected you repeatedly, he sneered at you and belittled you, stonewalled you, then tried to use. mind games to hook you back into his drama.

I bet you can't believe you ever thought he was a nice guy!

You did great, you are under no obligation to be in touch, you provided his key and you have your possessions back.

This man has a lot of issues. Being the child of an alcoholic is extremely difficult to emerge from healthily and unfortunately we all tend to take our crap into our relationships and recreate the drama. He is very far from ready for a relationship and definitely not ready for parenthood.

Look after yourself, you know you did your best nd now you can take time to recover and regroup.

Having read the finale to your relationship I am extremely glad you're out of it x

Fabiofatshaft · 04/02/2021 15:36

I’ve lost the best, I’ve handed Granny over.....

You’ve fucked him off ( In more ways than one ), got your stuff back, so have no more contact and keep him fucked off !!!!

Out there somewhere, is a good man who will love you, cherish you, listen to you and be overjoyed to start a family with you.

Don’t be at all surprised that now you have fucked him off, your skin condition disappears.

Stay strong.

tara66 · 04/02/2021 15:46

You should have told him to change the locks as you had lost the key!

IM0GEN · 04/02/2021 16:00

Thanks the the update OP, I’m glad you are ok and I agree with @changingmine, you have handled this well.

I know that once the shock and anger subsided you will be a bit sad and perhaps lonely - it’s been two years of your life after all and I’m sure you didn’t want it to end like this.

But I think you know now that he’s not the man for you and hopefully you won’t be too tempted to go there again.

Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 16:18

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. @Fabiofatshaft you made me laugh about handing granny over.Grin It's ok- I'll let you keep her as you made lovely comments.

@prawncocktailpringles a bottle of wine is definitely in order. My nerves are shot!! My three cats are all I need for now.😊

I am sad that it ended like this as he wasn't the man I thought he was at all. Shows you how you can have the wool pulled over your eyes for an extended period. Clearly there were red flags I should have picked up on eg fiancée leaving a week before wedding and him never let me give my opinion. Onwards and upwards and better luck next time.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 04/02/2021 16:23

🍷

Geppili · 04/02/2021 17:12

He doesn't want a baby, because he is still one himself! I bet you are completely gorgeous and really clever. He is competitive, negging and inadequate.

Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 19:51

@Geppili thank you so much for your kindness. To be fair I do think I'm out of his league.WinkGrin

OP posts:
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 20:21

@changingmine I just reread your comment and wanted to thank you. You're completely right. He has a lot of issues going back to his childhood. His mum has been sober for the past couple of years die to health issues and refuses to see she did anything wrong regarding his childhood. She actually gaslights him and it's as if the alcoholic years never happened. That must be the behaviour he has adopted-deny everything and nothing is ever your fault. She just isn't a nice person despite of the drink. As in she is nasty anyway.
I suppose I should really think that I've had a lucky escape.

OP posts:
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