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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

166 replies

Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:12

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 31/01/2021 20:02

Op your problem isn’t that your knob head dp doesn’t fancy you , your problem is he is an abuser and won’t change . He may chase you full of promises if you block him but it won’t last once he gets what he wants op. Please don’t waste your fertility on this prick .

emily372 · 31/01/2021 20:04

Has he been to the doctor for low testosterone?
My ex used to get argumentative when I wanted sex, we stopped for 2 years and turned out he had really low testosterone and needed treatment.

Alonelonelyloner · 31/01/2021 20:10

I've been there OP. And wasted years trying to make it better and feel better about myself.

The gaslighting ? The condescension? All of
It.

Don't waste anymore time on this man.
Go and find someone to have a child with or at least a decent sperm donor.

henni85 · 31/01/2021 20:15

I put up with a sexless relationship with my ex who also wouldn’t discuss it. It was never his fault, everything I did was wrong. I stayed for 10 years as I completely lost confidence in every aspect of myself.

I genuinely think lack of sex goes hand in hand with other issues in the relationship.

Having lived it, I would not advise to accept any of this. It will only get worse I’m afraid

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 20:30

Thank you everyone. I've reached a crossroads and have decided I've had enough. I just can't put up with this anymore. Aside from this he is a complete mansplainer. We can never watch anything without him talking over the top of it with facts or opinions. He said that people nickname him Wikipedia as if that is a positive trait. From my personal experience of it, it definitely isn't. He is also extremely jealous of the fact that I went to a 'better' university than him. I honestly would never normally care but he is an inverse snob and refers to the people that went to my university as '(name of university) c*nts'. He's insecure as he couldn't achieve the grades to get him in there.

OP posts:
LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 20:33

@Dramallama82

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I have no choice but to end this. Sex has been shit for a year and a half and getting progressively worse. I know I have an equal part to play in this but for him to put the entire blame on me is dispicable, in my opinion. He hasn't even tried to contact me which shows he thinks I should come crawling back to him. Or maybe he would just say he doesn't want an argument about it.
I agree you have to end this, Drama.

Psoriasis is exacerbated by stress and you are stressed.

You and he are not suited. I'm sure you will be at peace when he is out of your life and you'll find someone else who is in tune with you.

Wanderlusto · 31/01/2021 20:36

Standard abuser bs, has to make you feel small for dating to achieve something. Especially something greater than him.

You'll be well rid op. Imagine raising kid with the wanker. He would undermine you at every step and turn the kids affection into a competition. Youd be 'naggy, angry mummy'.

Shrivelled · 31/01/2021 20:48

What a horrible dynamic for a 2 year relationship. No matter what the cause, you’re doing the right thing ending it.

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 21:04

[quote Dramallama82]@Bluntness100 I honestly think that too but if he told me that in the right way I would totally understand. I'm still in good enough shape physically but I understand how spots all over my body could put somebody off. I just feel so unattractive generally. I previously got a lot of male attention and still do but I wouldn't have enough confidence to sleep with anybody else as they would get to see how bad my psoriasis is right now. It's only on my body and not my face so I can hide it with clothing at the minute. That actually might be why I've put up with this for so long. I possibly just need to be on my own but the issue is that I always wanted children and he promised me he wanted that too.[/quote]
It's got absolutely nothing to do with your psoriasis. When you love someone you don't see it and if you do you don't care.

Also stress also makes psoriasis worse.

This isn't about you, it's about him. You need to end it or else you will find yourself single in your 40's and less chance of becoming a mum.

You either go to couple therapy (this takes time) such as Relate or end it. Do not initiate it with him now. Just focus on building your life and future.

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 21:06

Also.....he either has a maladaptive hobbie / occupation, he's on meds (blood pressure, anti depressants etc), having an affair / sex elsewhere (no evidence of this from your post), or is feeling depressed / stressed.

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 21:35

Oh and big hugs too. You deserve better Thanks

JovialNickname · 31/01/2021 23:26

@Dramallama82

We don't live together and have no financial ties. I have a few belongings at his house but nothing I can't get over.
My god woman!! Get out of there. Really, you don't have to put up with this.

I know you've lived so long with this situation as your default. But it's wrong, very wrong. Think back and remember what other men, new men were like. Normally, men are in seventh heaven having a naked woman next to them!! You know this. And you don't even have to stay with him. You can up and out. Please, please do this for yourself x x

JovialNickname · 31/01/2021 23:30

I, for example, have a smiley face. I also have a huge overhanging tummy and a crinkly, cellulitey arse. Men that I sleep with are delighted to have me in their bed. That's not because I've got lucky or am super special in some way - it's how normal men respond. You are the prize and you don't need to put up with the way he treats you. It's not right x

prawncocktailpringles · 01/02/2021 17:04

How are you doing, OP?

SushiSoozie · 01/02/2021 17:15

There's another thread running now about a woman whose partner tries to coerce her into sex and sulks and complains when she wont. It was (rightly) pointed out by all that it is never ok to to try to push anyone into having sex if they don't want to, and that its pretty rapey to do so by arguing about it, or acting frustrated and grumpy when you don't get it.

On this thread though the person who doesn't want sex is a narcissist who "witholds sex as control".

Obviously this man sounds like he has other issues and the relationship sounds terrible, but the point should still be the same for both sexes....you should never ever push people for sex and you aren't owed it from anyone.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 01/02/2021 18:36

@SushiSoozie I've been raped myself in the past so this is a bit of a touchy subject for me. I'm not trying to 'force' him to have sex. I do however feel that sex is an important part of a loving relationship and that I should be able to bring up the fact he never wants sex without being silenced or told that I am to blame. My parting question to him yesterday was, "So let me get this clear. Are you saying that the reason we hardly have sex anymore is entirely my fault?". To which he answered, "yes". I'm sorry but I think that is very wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 01/02/2021 18:38

@prawncocktailpringles thanks for checking on me. I'm doing ok thanks although still upset. No word from him today so he must be waiting for me to apologise. This is very typical of him. If he does get in touch he'll pretend that nothing happened and so the subject will get brushed under the carpet again.

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 01/02/2021 18:40

He doesnt fancy you so why is he with you? My guess is that it benefits him in some way . Sorry to be harsh but he is nasty with it too .
You are worth more than this. Get rid of him while you still have some fertile years left or you will regret it

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 01/02/2021 18:41

Just to say as well. I'm fully aware that he must have issues of some description that mean he has lost his libido. As one half of a partnership I would expect him to talk to me about what is wrong so that we can work through it and I can support him. I'm not looking him to have sex against his will but to possibly go to his GP or to talk to somebody about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 01/02/2021 18:44

@Dontforgetyourbrolly I expect you're right about him not fancying me anymore. My body is currently like a join the dot with the psoriasis. Sad I can't look at myself.in the mirror anymore. I think people underestimate the extreme mental toll a skin condition can have. As you say though even if that is the case he could have been kind about it and not a nasty, sneering bastard.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 01/02/2021 18:52

I don't think it is because he doesn't fancy you. I think he sounds like a dick and you have good boundaries and I have no doubt you will meet someone who is right for you. I have an embarrassing physical anomaly and it has never got in the way of men wanting to have sex with me. And I had a crush on someone with psoriasis and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I have a family member with a skin condition and that has never been a problem. This is 100 per cent him and not you and it sounds like you have already started to move on mentally. That's great.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 01/02/2021 20:44

@prawncocktailpringles thank you so much for sharing your own personal experience. It has made me feel so much better about my body. I can't change it anyway so I suppose no point in worrying about it. He may or may not fancy me because of my psoriasis or may just have his own issues. I'll never know as he will never discuss it. Tonight I feel a sense of freedom. Just me and my 3 babies (my cats). Never thought I'd turn into a crazy cat lady as was afraid of them when I was younger.Grin

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 03/02/2021 10:32

Cats make everything better

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.
Lovingmusicrightnow · 03/02/2021 12:14

He said that people nickname him Wikipedia

I think he misheard them say whatawanker

I also think he is deliberately making you feel shite about yourself in an underhanded way. He sounds awful. Do you seriously think he would make a great dad when he is an emotional abuser to its potential mum? Because I doubt that will change.

You should stay NC for your own sanity. You sound like a lovely person so concentrate on you from now on Flowers
Btw, plenty women have DC in their 40's so dont write yourself off just yet. As I've heard it being said here, the longer you
stay with an arsehole the less time to find mr right Wink

SixesAndEights · 03/02/2021 12:22

I hope you stay away from this person. You're not unattractive, it's not the reason he's being a cunt, he is just a cunt and being nasty to you because he wants to.

Please don't spend any more time on him. You say he hasn't got in touch so I guess you haven't blocked him. Why not block him, that way it doesn't matter, you can draw a line under this and move on.

You're in no way too old to have children, but you don't have time to keep wasting on this loser.