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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

166 replies

Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:12

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:10

@Wanderlusto thanks very much. I don't see why he has such a pressing need for it back. God knows what he'd be like if I had anything else belonging to him. He knows that I have always treated exes with respect and have given them back everything belonging to them. With the last one I was nearly too generous and let him have stuff that I strictly should have kept.
It's the fact he's not even saying it in a nice way- I know him and he will be raging and looking to have the control.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 12:11

Give him his key back and be done.
By holding on to it you're holding on to the idea of further conversations.
Once he has it back he has no reason to ever contact you again and you can put him in the past.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:11

My lack of response will be killing him. He will hate that more than anything which is why I'm reluctant to reply at his insistence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:12

@VettiyaIruken fair point. I'll drop it round later when he's out at work.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:14

That's what it's all about, control. He also wants to get a good look at you to see how his being cold is hurting you.

I'd be tempted to be just as cold back 'I've posted it to you by Royal mail. Never contact me again'. Then block him.

But if that feels a bit risky then maybe just the first part of that. But don't answer the door if he comes round. Always remember he is out to cause you hurt. Controlling bastards always are.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:16

But yeh, get the key back to him. You can never beat his sorts in the long game if you maintain contact. They'll always gain the upper hand.

Fastestbrownie · 04/02/2021 12:18

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:24

@Fastestbrownie @Wanderlusto thank you both.
This has made me realise that I never knew him at all after two years and that's a scary thought. How someone can tell you how much they love you and one week later you're completely dead to them. I would class my ex as an abusive asshole but even he was civil after our split. He pursued me a couple of months after his fiancée left him a few days before their wedding. I now know that to be a massive red flag. How naïve I was!!

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 04/02/2021 12:25

Do you have a male friend or relative who would go and pick up your stuff and give him the key?

Do not, whatever you do, go to his place or have him come to yours. It will end up as either a huge row or a fake reconciliation.

If you have to, meet him in a public place, like a busy street or supermarket ( I know most places are quiet right now ).

A supermarket is good as they always have security people around . If he tries to make a scene you can just walk away.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:26

I also never got to the bottom of why she called off the wedding at such short notice. Again, not his fault or responsibility at all as she was awful to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:27

@IM0GEN thanks for this. Unfortunately I don't as I recently moved towns to be near my sister. That's a great idea as he has form for going into rages. He's never been physically violent but I have felt threatened before.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:32

I think a woman calling off the wedding 2 months prior is probably a pretty big red flag. Clearly she got wind of what he was like.

If you know he is going to be at work later for a fact then I think it should be ok to go round and post it. Maybe you could mislead him by text and say you will take it round tomorrow. But actually post it through the letterbox tonight whilst he is out. Be quick and quiet about it just incase.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:35

Maybe tell someone where you are going and that you'll phone them when youare home safe. And you could take a picture of the key at his door before you post it through the letterbox and send it to him to say it's just been returned and not to contact you again (obv wait till you are away before you send the message).

RosyPrimroseDoll · 04/02/2021 12:42

[quote Dramallama82]@Wanderlusto thanks very much. I don't see why he has such a pressing need for it back. God knows what he'd be like if I had anything else belonging to him. He knows that I have always treated exes with respect and have given them back everything belonging to them. With the last one I was nearly too generous and let him have stuff that I strictly should have kept.
It's the fact he's not even saying it in a nice way- I know him and he will be raging and looking to have the control.[/quote]
He will be raging because you're not behaving the way he's "trained you" to behave.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:44

'She was awful to him'. Is that what he told you? Because he doesn't seem like a particularly nice human being.. I wouldn't trust his version of the story as far as I could throw him. It's really common for nasty shits like him to try and play the new gf off against the prior one. Or devalue the prior gf so that the new one wont believe anything she says if she tries to warn them what he is really like.

IM0GEN · 04/02/2021 12:48

If you decide to post it, send it guaranteed next day delivery. It will cost you about £6 but it’s got tracking, proof of delivery and a signature.

If you just pop it through his letterbox he can say he didn’t get it. Or he might take the day off and lie in wait for you ( if he knows you are coming ) .

He sounds like the type who enjoys winding you up and then feels powerful when you are upset. So you’d be safer in the card and home wear section of your local Morrison’s 😬. It’s hard to create drama there.

explorerdog · 04/02/2021 12:59

I met DH when I was 38 and within 3 years we were married with a baby.
Please don't let your age worry you. I really wanted kids too, but I put it to the back of my mind because I was reading too much into dates and coming off a bit desperate.
I also have obvious physical flaws. DH didn't care at all.

FWIW I'd put the key through his door when you know he will be out.

Mix56 · 04/02/2021 13:01

What a lucky escape. Not to have a child with this Dick.
I expect your skin will clear up faster without the stress of his toxicity
Make sure to get your key back.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 13:12

He just phoned and I picked up!! He scelreamed down the phone at me and wouldn't accept me posting the key. Said he's coming round now. I'm getting ready to phone the police. He was so agressive. Shaking here.

OP posts:
Alonelonelyloner · 04/02/2021 13:12

What????
Do NOT let him in.
Maybe call the police

username44416 · 04/02/2021 13:16

Calling the police is a good idea.

Ntwa · 04/02/2021 13:19

Read most of the replies.. Agree with everyone. Wrote a long reply and lost it. All I will say is my last latest relationship was like this.. (not sex related) but the 'problem' is the minimising of how you feel. He will continue to shut you down and minimise what you want. I've had it and not done anything about it sooner. Told him I'd had enough (didnt actually end things) and here we are a month on having not heard from him.. don't be me 4 yrs on. Hugs

DaVinyl · 04/02/2021 13:19

Put the key in an envelope on your doorstep. Dont answer the door and if you can, without being seen, film him. Call the police if need be.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 13:27

Utter lunatic cant take not being in control.

Don't open the door whatever you do.
You could do the key in envelope thing. Write his name and key on it.

If he won't leave, call the police.

Ntwa · 04/02/2021 13:40

Sorry crossed posted.. Don't answer the door, he will be angry he hasn't got what he wants by the sounds of it. I'd reply to keep him at bay and say you'll post tomorrow. Do it recorded and send him a screenshot so he knows you're not going round.
A lot say block but I found with my ex a few years back that of they are going to go down the bad route you're safer off keeping any aggressive or malicious threats just incase.
Hope you're OK x