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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so upset...please help me stay strong.

166 replies

Dramallama82 · 31/01/2021 18:12

So today was the final straw. He only agrees to have sex with me about once a month and that is only after I express how upset I am over the issue. I have tried to broach this with him so many times and I'm very upset. I am sick of trying to initiate and being turned away. Admittedly this has resulted in frustration and resentment from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have had bad psoriasis for the past year and have asked him if it is because of that but he says it isn't. Anytime I try to get him to talk about it I'm shit down and told to stop. He says I need to talk to him in a calm voice. Problem is I'm not calm about it anymore- I'm very upset at being told to be quiet all the time.
Earlier we had an argument about it and I walked out. He said that the reason why we didn't have sex was entirely my fault. I need to work on my 'seduction technique' as it currently consists of me going up to bed and putting my 'huffy face' on. He's talking about how I am after I have tried to initiate over several days only to be rejected. I feel like what he said is unforgivable. He is pinning all the blame on me. I've suggested speaking to his Dr about low libido but I'm just shut down. I was really upset and crying and he laughed in my face and said, "Not this again".
I'm ok with somebody saying I'm the one who is being unreasonable. I just want an outside perspective. We've only been together 2 years.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 03/02/2021 19:35

Here it is: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 19:37

Aw brilliant then. If you dont need the stuff then I wouldn't even reply. Dunno if you want him coming round your place though...? Maybe post him his key or put it through his letterbox when he is out.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 03/02/2021 19:41

@prawncocktailpringles thanks so much for the link. I'll give it a good read. That girl sounds amazing and I bet he really hated her going NC after being a complete coward.

@Wanderlusto thank you for the advice. I'll do that but don't want to straightaway as that gives him the power. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 03/02/2021 20:01

@prawncocktailpringles I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's extremely interesting so thank you. I see that her DP was loving up until he sent the text ending it. Same here. Only last week my DP was saying he loved me and that I was the last woman he would ever say that to. Erm, ok...as long as I never try to have an adult discussion with him. Then I get the cold shoulder.

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 03/02/2021 20:07

It is a bit scary how easily these people change in an instant

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/02/2021 20:12

It isn't about you at all he just doesn't want sex.
Me and my exH were your roles reserved and I'll admit I said some pretty nasty things after weeks of him hounding me for sex because I couldn't stand it.
We're divorced now and much happier for it. I don't want to be pestered for sex all the time and he's free to do what he wants with who he wants.
You'll need to decide if this relationship is for you in the long run.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 03/02/2021 20:32

@Shehasadiamondinthesky the thing is I don't pester him for sex at all but it is important to me in a relationship even moreso because we both agreed to try for a baby a year ago. How can I get pregnant if I always have to initiate and even with a 4 to 6 week gap he's still not interested and is blaming my seduction technique?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 03/02/2021 20:48

He has the problem, not you. For whatever reason his libido is messed up, but instead of dealing with that like grown-ass man, he deflects and blames you. Stay strong, and don't dance to his tune. If you do, you're giving him power. Don't contact him, just move on. If he really wants his key he can come get it.

mistletoeandsigh · 03/02/2021 21:09

OP, don't worry, you don't have to defend yourself and I believe that you are not a sex pest.

I have been on the receiving end of a low libido partner, and whilst I was not hoping to conceive (far from it!) I can understand how horrible and demoralising it feels to be rejected in that way. And that was with my partner rejecting it nicely, certainly not critiquing my seduction technique. Most people who have a partner who has gone off sex are not happy about it. What if you just went off talking, would that be ok? Or how about other types of physical affection - oh, sorry, I've gone off that.

Anyway... he also sounds like an absolute mansplaining manipulative bellend. Please ignore him for now and if you want any belongings back, just ask him to leave them by your door, where he will find his key.

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 03/02/2021 21:25

@LifeExperience thank you. I agree with you. That text was him trying to control the situation. I don't need my things that badly that I will go to his house. Why can't he come here?

@mistletoeandsigh thank you so much. It has been so demoralising and makes me feel shit about myself. It wouldn't be so bad if he would discuss it and reassure me that he still fancies me. I only actively seek out sex with him once a month now as don't want to be rejected and he isn't interested anyway.

And anytime I try to talk about it I'm told to be quiet. He told me he wanted to try for a child so why wouldn't I want to discuss it? If he changed his mind that's fair enough but please talk to me about it. He's 5 years younger so has more time.

OP posts:
mistletoeandsigh · 03/02/2021 21:29

Have a baby with another man. Someone who cherishes you and looks forward to jumping in bed with you. Someone who listens. It will be a long life of shite with this man who won't listen or discuss or have sex. Urgh.

RantyAnty · 03/02/2021 21:36

Well done for getting rid of this mean arsehole.

He wants his key, he can come fetch it. You can leave it under the door mat or in your letterbox so you don't have to interact with him anymore.

Cockenspiel · 03/02/2021 21:43

Just rtft, good god OP, you sound well rid of this tedious, mansplaining loser!

I’m sure that your psoriasis will start to clear up now that this stress inductor is out of your life for good.

No more knots in your stomach and repressing yourself, freedom awaits WineCakeFlowers

Original poster
Dramallama82 · 03/02/2021 21:45

Thank you everyone. I'm going no contact. He knows that my breakups in the past have been very respectful so realistically he knows me having his key doesn't mean I'm going to go round there and do anything. He's just harping on about his key and my possessions as a means to make contact. Well sorry, I'm not interested.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 03/02/2021 22:47

Hope you're ok op and there's other ways you can have a child on your own don't think wasting time with a stoner was your last chance

time4anothername · 03/02/2021 22:53

please don't lose confidence in your body, this is so much more likely to be about him being scared of you getting pregnant and generally him not being able to be in a proper adult relationship although some days he likes the idea of that.

tenlittlecygnets · 03/02/2021 23:01

You have only been together two years? Dump him and move on!

You're still meant to be in the honeymoon period. It's not meant to be such hard work.

He sounds awful.

RosyPrimroseDoll · 03/02/2021 23:14

I agree go total NC and send the key back recorded delivery. That way you know he's got the key back and can get on with your life even if he tries to entice you back in.

He sounds like a total patronising knob.

Shutting down debate and discussion with your partner is a type of emotional abuse surely? Not letting your opinions get any air time at all? Sneering at you when you have made yourself emotionally vulnerable, opened up and communicated your concerns?
No wonder you ended up so frustrated and emotional.

It's not just the lack of sex it's the lack of respect, and the lack of having an equal, open relationship. You are well rid of this turd OP.

Osirus · 04/02/2021 01:26

@Dramallama82

I have all your things packed up if you want to call to get them, and leave me my key

Just received this from him which proves I was right to walk away. So he will throw 2 years down the drain without so much as a discussion. I am very upset about this but I have to stay strong.Sad

Should I reply?

But weren’t you planning to do the same? It sounds like you’re finally on the same wavelength.
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 07:00

@Osirus I suppose so but when I was ending it I would have done it in person, not through a text message. I find that extremely cowardly. I've broken up with people before and have done it in a respectful way. So when I said earlier in the thread it was over between us I didn't mean I wasn't going to speak to him about it to let him know. Either way, it's done now so same outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 11:59

I need to get that key, would you like me to come and get it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:00

This is the latest message. It actually scares me a bit. Don't know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama82 · 04/02/2021 12:03

Also, shut the fuck up about your bloody key. What does he think I'm going to do with it? Give it to someone to go and burgle his house? What a cold, unfeeling asshole. No mention of our relationship at all.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:06

Its pushy. And I suppose you could feel it's a threat based on his personality. Like 'if you don't bring it, I'll come over to your house and incase your space'.

Could you text back something like 'I'm seeing my dad/brother atm, will drop it round to you later'. And either have someone else tale him the key or post it through his letter box when you know he isnt in.

Or even 'I have posted your key back to you along with (something he had given you) so you'll get it in the post'. Then send it recorded delivery.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 12:07

*invade your space