He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

He does not want to marry you.

He just wants to feather his own nest.
Dump him and walk away.
He's a tyre kicker and a time waster.

I would distance yourself and explain that you're not sure about this relationship anymore and give your very valid reason why.

That's his opportunity to end things which he probably will.

If you're the one for him, he will make plans to go ahead with the wedding because he won't want to lose you.

If you reach a stalemate and there's no forward movement or decision made, I think you should end it.

I think it's actually quite cruel to get your finger measured for a ring and then tell you that it was not an indication that it is happening any time soon. It's dangling a carrot in front of you and then pulling it away again. Your life is on hold while he decides on the timing.

Like other posters said, it's time to take back your power to either move things forward or end it.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. If he wanted to marry you, you’d be married. Try proposing to him and saying you’d like to get married in May, and you’d like to start trying for a baby as soon as you’re married. If he says no, or tries to stall, you have your answer, and at least you’ve taken your life back into your own hands.

He wants to secure a house.

That's the only thing on his agenda.

Even if he comes up with a cheap ring so that you put your money into the joint purchase, I wouldn't marry him or buy a house with him. And if you were mad enough to marry him and buy a house, you must ringfence your contribution. He's been stringing you along and what were you meant to think when he was discussing engagement rings? I am sure that you can find better reproductive stock than this tight-fisted, sulky man. Wonder why the previous fiancée left? Actually I don't wonder very hard about that. If he ever works out that he can get half the equity in the house - including the money that you've contributed - if he gets married to you, he'll be all on board with the idea of a cheap ring and cheap wedding as soon as possible.

Use that deposit money to buy your own place and get some flatmates in to help pay the mortgage. Accept only single solvent men as flatmates would be my view.

And by the way, it would be a brave man who proposed to me with a £200 ring. We were saving for a house and my now husband asked me if we should get a cheaper engagement ring. I told him that I hadn't noticed any difference between the houses of women with nice engagement rings and those without. Nearly thirty years later I am looking down at my 18 carat gold large diamond solitaire engagement ring and it still makes me smile. I am smiling in a very nice 4 bedroom detached house in a leafy suburb. I don't care when people bang on about the symbolism of cheap rings. The cost amortised over 30 years made it an absolute bargain for my husband. My father told me that men lied a lot and my mother told me a lady has to have standards. My dad would say your dp was lying and my mother would say you could do better.

He’s waiting for his name on the house deeds you’re paying for before you get his name on a marriage certificate.

OP, I’m so sorry.

Agree with everyone else, sorry.

When men want to marry you, they just do so.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like he doesn't want to get married.

As others have said, you have the large deposit saved and therefore this could easily be spent on a small wedding and he is aware of this.

I had a friend who have her partner an ultimatum and said the relationship was over if he didn't marry her. She meant it and he did marry her. They are still together, have kids etc.

I wouldn't wait to get married if you want kids in case he decides to wait for kids as well. I would sit down and have a serious chat about this. Tell him what you want and tell him you need it ASAP or you won't be waiting around any more. Be honest with him about your age and fertility rates declining etc.

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I would say this guy is holding out long enough to use your money to get him a house and then once you’re financially tied to him he can string out the proposal and wedding plans for ages because you’ve already invested in the house and it will be a costly nightmare to untangle if you leave.

This

I had an ex who had horrible friends who would joke about how long they could string it out with their girlfriends before having to commit 🙄

Dh mentioned marriage within 3 months proposed a year after our first date with a £3k ring. Move on.

If you genuinely believe any of the things being said on this page then walk away. Run.

Why would you want a man who you don't trust to propose to you?

The people on the thread don't know your dp. Why do you think he won't propose? If you were outside looking in what would you think?

Also
he is upset I feel this way

What a twat -hes upset !!?
Hes annoyed that you are standing up for yourself and is using emotional manipulation to try to get you to back down.
I agree, protect your money if its in a joint account.
Move it into Premium bonds today.
Then talk to him.
It sounds doomed to me OP.
Who wants to beg for a proposal ?

"getting engaged" is completely meaningless. Getting married marks a change in your legal and financial rights and responsibilities. He doesn't want to get married. You clearly want marriage then children. Why are you buying a house with someone who doesn't want marriage?

We talked about getting married before we'd even been on a date, as we knew each other well as friends and we were already in love with each other. We got married a year later.

He doesn’t want to marry you because if he did then he would have proposed already

Is this a dealbreaker?

Please don’t buy a house with him if getting married matters to you. You’ll be locked in then and it will be so much harder. If he wanted to propose he would have done. Take a good hard look at buying somewhere of your own if most of the equity is yours. Even if you have to rent out a second bedroom. He is stringing you along, protect yourself

For the people who are saying the OP should be the one to push things, in fairness she has. She even suggested just booking a registry office appointment and he said no.

I too would walk away, and tbh I would never have children with a man I wasn’t married to.

I wouldn’t buy a house with a man I wasn’t married to but am a solicitor and cautious!

OP irrespective of anything, make sure your funds are identifiable as your funds. In a sole account you control and legally noted as your contribution if you do buy a house.

You will be financially vulnerable if you a) don't have a contract identifying your contribution to the house b) have a baby without being married and reduce or give up your career prospects. If you stay earning money at the same (pre- baby) level you will be very unusual. Even less likely if there is a second.

My DH proposed after 18 months. We had had a chat before this about what we wanted / our situation (kids, marriage money etc). We both understood each other's positions and with this in mind he proposed a few months later. If he or I hadn't been able to accommodate each other's wishes we would have probably split up.

A friend of a friend had a heartbreaking story. She got together with her DP in her early 30s. He had 2 young kids from an earlier relationship. She wanted kids, but he kept postponing (when my kids get older, when we've bought a house etc) finally she set a year when they would start trying to which he agreed. She was 39. When that year arrived, she was very excited (I remember going to the pub with her and she was saying it woud be one of her last drinking nights). Then in the January of that year he said that he had suddenly realised he didn't want any more kids as they ruined a relationship. So she could either stay with him without kids or leave. She was devastated. She chose to stay but had she known this at the start, she would have probably made different choices. By then she had been strung along too much and had limited choices (financially, practically, emotionally and fertility-wise)

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

I agree with this. DH and I spoke over dinner about getting married and the next week we went to get my ring - no romantic proposal needed at all.

However the issue here is OP has talked to him about booking the registry and still he wont budge. He is the one insisting he propose to her the 'right way.'

OP I'm sorry but a close friend of mine went through something similar and it didn't end well. You know him better than us, without sugar coating it and pretending to yourself - what do you think his intentions are?

@TorchesTorches I see a lot of people posting about having children without being married. Could you tell me the issues that can arise because of this? (Sorry, slightly off topic!). X

The bigger problem here is that you want children and your fertile years are fading fast. Yes women have children later but it gets harder to conceive, carry to term and have the energy to parent. Plus if you want two children, you need to conceive which could take months, cook it, recover and go again so you are already looking at number 2 age 36/37 and fertility is rapidly declining at that point.

I NEVER thought I’d be the sort of woman to make a statement like the above, but if you want children then you need to account for it. If you don’t want kids, you are fine to go at a slower pace but if you do it’s time to get planning.

What incrediblytired said.

Allow up to 1 year to get pregnant even if you have no problems. Miscarriage happens, sadly - you can't assume everything would go perfectly.

I'd give him an ultimatum, you're young enough to get over it and find someone else to have kids with, but if you let him string you along for another 2-3 years then the prospects look worse.

I know it sounds harsh but there are plenty of threads on here from women whose partners strung them along, then approaching 40 they admitted they didn't want kids. Often the men then go off and have babies with a younger woman within a few years.

All the ring stuff is a distraction, he either wants to be in a lasting relationship with kids with you or he doesn't.

Propose to him. That's it - you don't need a ring (you can get one later if you want). The actual question asking and his answer are the thing that counts.

Anything other than an enthusiastic "yes, when shall we tie the knot?" is him feeling pressured and not wanting to do it.

Why do we have so many of these bloody threads in 2021 - women like OP with their own resources who are waiting swooningly around for a man to ask her to marry him? What the heck is going on?