He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

OP, I was you several years ago with a partner who constantly future faked me and strung me along, including looking at houses, going to fertility clinics and talking about marriage, none of which happened. I proposed to him and he always said he wanted to do it properly himself. It was an emotional rollercoaster and looking back, quite emotionally abusive. I would have been much happier knowing upfront that he just didn't want any of that stuff.

I posted here for advice and was advised to walk away. I didn't do it but now really wish I'd have started the rest of my life without him sooner.

If you buy a house with him and the commitment never happens, it will be harder to walk away and take time away from meeting someone new.

14:19willFOURbagsbeenough

I would say this guy is holding out long enough to use your money to get him a house and then once you’re financially tied to him he can string out the proposal and wedding plans for ages because you’ve already invested in the house and it will be a costly nightmare to untangle if you leave.

That's what I feel, he's using her for the deposit and his chance to get his foot on the housing ladder.
There was a thread where a lady said her partner didn't even let her cook in her house. They both owned it but he wouldn't let her do anything in it. I hope that woman kicked him out and got her money back.

Take your money and run.
Get your savings where he can't touch them before you leave him. Honestly, I think you're in for a world of disappointment and possibly a financial disaster if you stay with this bloke.

@unmarkedbythat

Why would you want to marry someone whose response to you suggesting you marry is that it has to be him asking you in a special way at the right time?

Quite!

Was an arsehole the guy is!

If you can afford to buy the house yourself without him, let him live in it, have your DC, if that’s what you want. If it doesn’t work out for you he can leave.

He doesn’t seem to care that your time is ticking by so do not marry him and do not share your money with him. He has had his chance.

The best threads for me on MN are when the women have the financial means to be in charge of their lives.

14:33Dontbeme
Do you think at 42 kids are too late for you now?

If you want children, walk away now.

He is wasting your fertile years with bullshit. He has no intention of marriage and children with you.

Really don't get all this. I was married at 22, he was 25. The whole future thing, it was some nebulous thing he promised me, I'd never have married him otherwise. But it became reality. We had the house, the life, he started to string me along about kids. You know what? I said that's us, we're done and started the divorce proceedings a few weeks before I was 30, 'partner', my arse, he'd never have got that far, 'partner' 'engaged' it means FA in the UK, married does and that's it.

A close friend who's childfree by choice was with me and she said, 'You know, if you leave now, you might never have the kids you want, but if you don't, you definitely won't. So if you stay, you're making the decision, to never have kids, that's what it means if you stay. So you take your time and decide that, but do it knowing that because you're a grown up here. And then you can't blame it on him or anyone else, it's all on you.'

I left. I had 3 children. It's not been the easiest road and if I had to do it again, I'd have done differently. But what's done cannot be undone. But I won't die wondering. Just don't. Walk away.

02:08rawalpindithelabrador

Did he ever have kids with anyone? Your ex.

Your name suggests you may be of a Pakistani background, was it an arranged marriage? You were both very young. Not that gives him an excuse to have strung you along.
Good to hear that you had your kids in the end.

Well, Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Make that his last chance.

Tell him you want to create a lovely special romantic Valentine's evening at home together, candlelit dinner, fairy lights, he wears a suit and you wear a smart dress, wine, soft music.

If he does not use that opportunity for his romantic proposal, then he honestly doesn't want to marry you. Get some great sex that night and kick him to the kerb the next day.

@willFOURbagsbeenough

I’ve never understood these women waiting to be proposed to.

You’ve already decided you’re getting married so you’re already engaged. That’s what deciding to get married is.

This! So many times I have heard people say we are getting engaged... no you are engaged. Engaged it not a thing, engaged is a commitment to get married. Ps in my 50 years I have never been to the wedding of a single person I went to an "engagement" party of, including family. None of them married. Propose, buy your own ring and set a date if he is still being flakey then move on quickly

I hadn’t actually considered the possibility of us marrying, buying a house and then him getting access to half of my equity should we then divorce.

OP. You're 34. You want kids. You have a limited window of fertility.
You have to make a choice about YOUR life.

It seems you and your partner are not on the same plate. Please draw your own conclusions and do NOT let a man dictate your life and your future. Don't let him colour your future with resentment.

Oh, that was meant to say "not on the same page".....

BrandoraPaithwaite that's such a sad story.

If he wanted to marry you he'd fervently ask, not stall with juvenile excuses.

Cut your losses.

Even if not marrying makes it easier to ring fence your equity it is a pain in the ass to sell a house, bonus pain if you’re negotiating costs with your recent ex. I wouldn’t buy a house without being married. Not just engaged, married. I would move my funds out of a joint account immediately too).

Waitingfornothing I'll tell you my story and make of it what you will. I met my dh at 33 and we dated for two and a half years. He was quite shy and things went at a slow pace, which I didn't really want as I could see that my fertility was at risk.

After a year I suggested a break because I could not see where it was all going, but we ended up getting back together. Then another year or so down the line it was all just slow paced and not going where I wanted it to go.

I didn't give him an ultimatum, I just told him it was over as we weren't going anywhere.

He decided he did want to fight for me and we went to see a kind of relationship counsellor together. We made the choice to get married and we did it relatively quickly. We chose to wait a year before trying for kids and we had some fertility issues. We managed to have one child together and adopted a second.

Honestly, I do think if we had gone at his pace then we never would have married. He already had a house and wasn't looking for me to add any money but he was just very slow. If we had been in our 20s I would have probably been OK with that pace.

In your shoes, I would seek to protect your money, and I would make it clear to him that this relationship is not what you want.

You don't need to pay half your ring, in fact you don't even need a ring. You need to know if he really wants to get married and have kids. And if not, you need to find the strength to go and have a chance of that with someone else.

Because he will, he will have that chance, men can be fathers at 80, OK they don't get to do a lot of running around with the kids, but they don't have a biological clock ticking in the same way.

I don't regret adopting, or only being pregnant once. But i feel fairly sure if I had not made my feelings clear and shown him I didn't want to be 'dating' in my late thirties, then most likely it would have limped on or fizzled out.

Good luck and remember, if he is not really interested and committed in what you want, marriage and kids, then it's not good for either of you.

Protect your investment, your fertility and your heart. And If he is genuine then he can show that with actions, not words, not musings or thoughts.

I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

That's ridiculous really. What good is a romantic proposal if you had to have a long period of feeling hurt and anxious about it all before the romantic proposal? A romantic proposal at the end of that wouldn't make up for the insecurity you would feel up to it!

@traditionallife

I think I'm going to be playing devil's advocate here seen as most people have advised you to leave him.

I work in a financial sector job around debt and mortgages etc so maybe that's what's making me look at this practically.

He wants to have a larger amount of savings for the house first to reduce on going costs with mortgage payments etc. Sounds smart to me.

He genuinely might be taking the attitude of its no rush to get married because your together anyway? He might be thinking "well we both know it'll happen so lets get a solid footing first" in regards to getting the house first.

It makes sense to me the not wanting you to contribute and wanting to do it romantically. He might feel emasculated by you wanting to contribute. I know you were only trying to be helpful but i think a lot of men take pride in saving up for the ring and the proposal as its the story you'll tell forever and the ring you'll show off.

Hey maybe I'm a rose tinted glasses kinda gal but i see your point 100% but i also see his 100% too.

I think ultimately only you can know whether its him being practical and logical or stringing you along.

If that even is the case, and that is a big presumption, he needs to get over himself and his dented masculinity. Ops fertility trumps his pride every single time.

Just say it, something like, "I know you're stalling. I want to be married to you. It seems like you don't want to be married to me. I'm not looking for excuses I just want the truth. What's up?"

Be honest with yourself though. Deep down do you want the romantic (sort-of)surprise proposal?

As others have said if you buy as joint tenants you can protect your share relative to his.

I have a friend who got future faked until it was too late to have a baby. Be careful.

I meant don't doh....as in instead buy as tenants in common with defined equity percentages relative to your contribution.

Sorry, but I think you should walk away now. If he wants you he'll come running after you.