He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

I agree. It's understandable that to get to this point has taken the shine off it. If he wants to he could actually buy a lovely ring that won't dent the deposit budget (tens of £ surely) and still propose to you before the registry office date.

Sympathy OP.
Have you sat down and had a talk about practicalities - wills, life insurance, LPA, how kids will be looked after, what happens if a parent needs care, even retirement plans? How finances will be arranged, what's important to each of you?

That might help shake out whether all this has been a period of thoughtlessness from someone who mainly is right for you, or whether there is more that indicates your long-term future lies elsewhere.

And by the way if you decide he's a lovely guy who's just been a prime eejit - there are bound to be reg office cancellations.

I still feel really mixed up about what I want now

I would listen to that inner voice OP and slow down on the house buying with him. Maybe take some time to reflect on the relationship as a whole.

I can well imagine his total focus on what he wanted has taken the shine off this.

Practically speaking though perhaps it's a good thing.

What is he really like?

If he is a kind, loving, supportive, generous, decent man, who you REALLY believes loves you and has your back, then perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt.

However, if he is someone who likes things his way, his timeline, is very focused on his wants first and foremost, tends to be thoughtless, then think again OP.
Think again.

Based on your discussion is he aghast that he has fxxked up and hurt you with his messing around and thoughtlessness?

Or is he scrambling to rewrite what he did because he now realises you are not quite the walkover he thought you were?

Your confusion tells me you have a niggle in your gut.

You need to listen to your gut.
Tease out what your gut (your second brain) is trying to tell you.
Take your time.
Don't be rushed.
This is a big decision.
It often is in the small considerations and kindness in a relationship that you really know if you are loved.

Wishing you the best, because you deserve no less.

I had a relationship like this, every special milestone was a relief that we finally got there, rather than a special exciting thing. I was always waiting for someone else to 'be ready'.

He needs to be 100% that he will follow through with TTC after you are married and not need to build an extension/ secure a promotion/ save for one last holiday of a lifetime first.

Ok, sounds like he could be genuinely seeing it differently to you and is trying to meet you in the middle.

Or he could be seeing his means of getting on the property ladder disappearing...

He is adamant he would have bought a ring and proposed once we have secured a property as that was his main focus, getting as much of a deposit together as possible - even though I’ve explained he could have got a placeholder ring/no ring and that being romantic and doing it ‘his’ way didn’t have to cost a penny.

Yep you'd already explained. But for him, it's about the house.

I'm not surprised that you're confused about what you want.

I really hope that if this thread has alerted you to one thing, it is - don't blindly trust. Do not place the big things you want out of YOUR life in the power of someone else, to gift or deny you on their whim.

It doesn't mean you can't love him and trust him. It just means that you have your red lines that you won't cross - pleasantly, lovingly, you can smile and say 'That doesn't work for me, I'll be unhappy if we do that.' -and in a real loving grown-up partnership, you should be able to expect that to be respected.

What's really important to you? - I'm thinking - children, a family, and the security of marriage to allow that to happen without you shouldering all the risk.

So tell him that. That you want to be married. Then you want to start TTC. Straight away - you don't have time to mess around. You'll also start househunting. And when you find a house, you'll be protecting the amount of deposit you brought into the marriage which pre-dates your relationship.

If he has a problem with any of that - then the answer is that he wants to be on the housing ladder but he doesn't want the same things as you.

Agree with @YoniAndGuy you have to set out what you want and when you want it . I think I was on about month two when I did that ( as I was 36 without time to waste!) see the reaction . Good luck x

I think I would have to say the ring is part of a short term plan, marriage and making a life together is the long term plan.

Get a date booked for marriage and get a dress ring until you have sorted out what you want.

If he doesn't understand this you need to explain you need to start children, it's isn't a given that you can even get pregnant quickly.

His behaviour is fucking appalling. Stringing along a 34yr old woman who wants kids. Has he no shame?

I would put the house on hold until you’re legally married as no way would I be buying with a man like this. What’s next, we’re married and now he wants to delay trying for a baby?

If a man wants to marry you you’ll be married, nothing will stand in his way. He clearly doesn’t want to or he’d have accepted your ‘let’s just book a date’ offer.

And lol at the comments ‘you’re already engaged, I don’t understand this’ clearly they’re not considering he rejected OP when she tried to book a date!

We got married for less than £400 including rings, dress, ceremony, and lunch. You can marry for less than that. You don’t have time to waste if you want children, and you don’t want to marry a man you have to convince down the aisle, what a horrible way to start married life with a reluctant husband and nagging doubt that you’ve only ended up married because you cajoled him into it. I would genuinely knock this one on the head and date to find someone who wants kids and marriage in the near future though I appreciate you probably don’t feel able to take that risk at 34.

@Anotheruser02

I had a relationship like this, every special milestone was a relief that we finally got there, rather than a special exciting thing. I was always waiting for someone else to 'be ready'. He needs to be 100% that he will follow through with TTC after you are married and not need to build an extension/ secure a promotion/ save for one last holiday of a lifetime first.

This is so insightful. I’ve had one of those too. My current relationship showed me how messed up that was, we seamlessly went from dating to cohabiting to buying a house to marriage to a baby within three years and both of us were equally excited the whole way. Everyone deserves that. I hate to see people selling themselves short staying with men who aren’t into them.

Why are you waiting? You want to get married so propose to him and walk away if he says no.

@RuthW

Why are you waiting? You want to get married so propose to him and walk away if he says no.

She basically did when she had the register office up on her computer asking him if they could just book a date to wed...

@Sharww

His behaviour is fucking appalling. Stringing along a 34yr old woman who wants kids. Has he no shame?

I would put the house on hold until you’re legally married as no way would I be buying with a man like this. What’s next, we’re married and now he wants to delay trying for a baby?

If a man wants to marry you you’ll be married, nothing will stand in his way. He clearly doesn’t want to or he’d have accepted your ‘let’s just book a date’ offer.

And lol at the comments ‘you’re already engaged, I don’t understand this’ clearly they’re not considering he rejected OP when she tried to book a date!

We got married for less than £400 including rings, dress, ceremony, and lunch. You can marry for less than that. You don’t have time to waste if you want children, and you don’t want to marry a man you have to convince down the aisle, what a horrible way to start married life with a reluctant husband and nagging doubt that you’ve only ended up married because you cajoled him into it. I would genuinely knock this one on the head and date to find someone who wants kids and marriage in the near future though I appreciate you probably don’t feel able to take that risk at 34.

I have to agree 🌺

you're 34 OP... your biological clock is ticking loudly 🥺

Sorry it’s taken the shine off things. Hope you get things clearer soon OP.

PS I may remember incorrectly, but didn’t you say your were contributing the bigger share financially to the house? Make sure you don’t come out of this worse financially, whatever your decision.

Okay, so book the earliest available date at the registry office and take the months in between to go to relationship counselling to see if this marriage is really what you both want. If it isn't you can cancel.
See if he tries to make your wedding as special as it can be.

so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021

OP said this. So I don't know why some pp's are hung up on her 'waiting for a proposal'. The meaning is clear enough. What part of 'Registry Office' wouldn't her man understand?

OP you are 34. You need to take your savings and make a life for yourself. It may be hard to get over him, but you will in time.

A man making a fuss about a 'proposal' and a £2-300 ring, which wouldn't make a huge dent in your savings, would it? is messing you about.

He wants the house but not you as his wife. After its bought it'll be 'too expensive to get married'.

He's showing you he's not a keeper. Go by his actions not his words.

Sounds like he wants your money to help secure a house he wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, and is using a "proposal" as a carrot to sweeten you to part with your money

Yep.

I hope OP's still reading.

@Waitingfornothing I am just way too cynical these days, saw my SIL get shafted again and again believing the best of her boyfriend who is a tool and yes she is still with him. Even my teenage sons question his behaviour (privately to us not in front of their Auntie) that is how shit he is.

I think he is seeing his chance of you funding a house slipping away. You have been talking about rings and marriage for too long. You wanted to book the registry office he said no. Everything is to his timeline.

By all means book the registry office, get a ring but do not buy a house until you are actually married. Engagements can be broken and do get broken.

See a financial adviser or solicitor about being tenants in common who each own a % share of the house you will buy. It should reflect the amounts you are putting in. That way you will get your share back should the marriage end.

As PP have suggested you need to discuss when you will start trying to conceive, finances during your maternity leave and what you will do about returning to work, staying home, returning part time etc. Look into childcare costs now because it will scare the shit out of you and you can be forewarned as to how much this will cost.

I never had the "big proposal" Dh and I had discussed marriage in our future, moved in together and then went ring shopping and put it on my finger. Done. I knew he loved me (still does) and I didn't need some down on one knee declaration. We have been married 21 years.

You don’t need an engagement ring. It’s not essential

You don't need a ring. I don't have one. I have a wedding ring only.

You also don't need a bloody proposal. The idea of hanging around waiting for a proposal in your situation is ridiculous. Just book the register office.

My DH and I had the discussion about children. My line in the sand was I wanted to be married first. He didn't feel the need but for me I wasn't prepared to budge. So I booked the date and that was it.

No proposal, no diamond but I couldn't care less about such things.

Stop waiting - it's not just his decision.

@AhNowTed “ You also don't need a bloody proposal. The idea of hanging around waiting for a proposal in your situation is ridiculous. Just book the register office.”

Did you even read OP’s posts? She’s not bothered about a proposal, she had the register office website pulled up on her computer and said okay let’s book and HE said no, I want to propose (which is blatantly a stalling tactic, he’s had years to propose already and you can plan a simple meaningful affordable proposal with a couple of hours thought max if you really want to).

So many comments berating OP for ‘hanging around for a proposal’ and faux-puzzled ‘I just don’t understand, you’ve both said you want to be married so you’re already engaged so just book the wedding’ and conveniently overlooking the fact that she’s with a man who doesn’t want to marry her and she would be perfectly content without a proposal. Just to stick the boot in I guess. Or poor reading comprehension.

@Sharww

Point taken, the situation has moved on for the OP.

I do get frustrated at the number of posts from women in LTRs waiting. It's infuriating. But you're right in this case.

Well it's good he is happy to set a date. It is a shame that the good has been taken out of it but maybe he is genuinely laid back. I wouldn't rush into the house buying as said above. My set the date. You have time to think. I think he sounds like a good person but didn't see things from your perspective. Dh is a bit like that at times. When he bought the ring he waved the receipt at me like ' look whaf I've spent' and it kind of took the shine off. I don't regret marrying him and bought my own ring since that I wear with it. but I am a bit like that.

Never a good idea to marry a man that has to be marched up the isle and thinks they are doing YOU a favour.

Marriages are delicate things.

Starting off on the backfoot either feeling coerced, or somehow that you had to push so hard for it, IMO leaves a bitter taste.

When a man really wants to marry a woman he doesn't faff around.

He does it because he wants to make sure you are his.

It really is that simple.

I wouldn't wait and I wouldn't not have a ring either.

The right man will buy you a ring and an expensive one at that.

All of this easy-going, take what you're given attitude gets you lowest common denominator men who know you'll put up with any old crap.

Women need to know their worth a bit better.

I found myself uttering the following words to DH ( of thirty years ) on a totally unconnected matter.

The less I complain, the less I am considered.

It was on something a lot less important than your dilemma, but important to me.

So basically listen to your inner voice.