He won’t propose because he’s saving for a house

[Waitingfornothing]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years. We are both 34. We’ve always said, from the start, we want to get married, buy a house and have children and I’ve always stipulated I want to be married before we have children and I’m aware of how being 34 I’m running out of time.

Between us we’ve got a substantial amount saved for a deposit, this is mostly from me as I had more savings from before we were together. We are pretty much ready to buy just waiting for a house to come up that we like.

Back in July 2020 he asked me what sort of engagement rings I liked and what was my size. I sent him several links, and got my finger measured. DP is not a huge planner, so I thought that a proposal must be coming very soon. Nothing happened, we went on holiday in August and I half expected a proposal and nothing. I’d often see other rings I liked and show these to him to. He’d say “oh lovely but let’s wait til we’ve bought a house as I can save more once we’ve got that secured”. I have sent him links to more rings which are £200-300, have offered that I pay half of my ring myself, but he says no he wants to do it ‘properly’ and there he’d always feel inadequate if I paid half. I started wondering if whether he doesn’t want to get married at all, so in December I said shall we just look at booking the registry office for 2021 sometime, we actually had the website open looking at potential dates - to which he said no, he wants to propose to me properly in a romantic way and that he only asked for ring ideas last summer so he had an idea of what I liked for ‘when it was time in the future’.

I have brought this all up again today, about how I am essentially waiting for him to decide it is the ‘right time’ and how it could still take months for us to move into a house even if we made an offer today. He feels bad that I took the looking at rings last year as a sign it was happening soon, but is adamant he wants to put all of his spare cash into the house fund for now. Part of me feels this is sensible but part of me is worried he doesn’t actually want to marry me and that after we buy a house there’ll be a new item he needs to save for. He has been engaged before, I asked whether he had reservations because of this and he says absolutely not.

I’m torn between backing off and seeing what happens after we do buy a house (but I fear I’ll be in a mess if we then have to sell and break up because he still won’t seal the deal), and walking away now. I’m feeling hurt today by it all and DP has now gone out for a walk because he is upset that I feel this way

“It’d be ironic if after all this it’s actually in my better interests to not be married at all!”

Even then the problem is whether or not his reluctance to get married is symbolic of a greater reluctance to commit to you and have children with you. In your shoes, I wouldn’t buy a house with him. I would buy my own house. And being engaged stands for nothing. You need to be married if it is important to you.

Ineedsleepzz I am no expert in the situation of having kids with no marriage, but off the top of my head, you have to consider in whose name any housing is in, as you could lose your accommodation at short notice on break up; also having a baby means taking time off a career which means a hit to your pension and promotion prospects. If you are not married you take the hit ofall of the vulnerability of that, without it being a 'shared' hit'(ie access to his pension on divorce, savings distributions etc). If he does, then is much harder to sort out bills and the estate also. Am sure the are more disadvantages but as I say, I am no expert!

I’d be so insulted by him asking to look at rings then backtracking and I’d feel like a mug. I couldn’t get past that I’m afraid.

My ex did this to me, he was the one who brought up marriage. Showed me a diamond ring he had (inherited) - made out he wanted marriage etc. He didn’t, he was just a user who strung me along with the idea that he was the marrying type. He saw me as a good bet as I have more money than him invested in my home. Ultimately he was a rinser. I’m glad I never married him & glad it’s over - he was a liar and your partner sounds like one too. I’d be questioning whether I wanted to even be with him, let alone buy & house or even marry him.

TorchesTorches a very sad story. I had s friend who spent 34 to 38 living with a divorcee with kids. She wanted marriage and kids and left at 38 with neither

OP I think the ring and house are quite irrelevant. You can buy your own ring and your own house. Does he want a life with you and kids? If so he needs to make it happen now, if not, you need to take your money and your life and go elsewhere.

Men go for what they want. Usually .

He wants a house, he's going for it.

So why doesn't he want to go for marriage?

He doesn't want to tell you. Maybe he's in denial about why.

I agree with posters upthread that calmly stating your feelings and viewpoint is the best way forward.

I sort of did this with my (now) husband, who stalled on the marriage thing a bit - mainly due to finances (we were both poor students) and the general faffing approach he brings to his life. I had all other signs of commitment and a bloody great relationship with him, so it really floored me that the marriage thing was such an issue for a year or two there. Our approach to marriage and timelines was definitely out of kilter for a while.

It all turned out beautifully as he wound up proposing (and was clearly excited about it), and we're now happily married. It's so funny to look back and remember all the angst around it.

Anyway, my advice: I do think that preparing a short 'speech' in your head is a good idea, before sitting him down and delivering it in a business-like manner. Let him know you're firm. The fertility shit is real and it is on him to understand your perspective on this, and the biological facts around it.

Then don't mention it ever again.

Second, have a near-term exit date in your head. Don't share that with him. And, start thinking about all the wonderful possibilities of an independent life, should it not work out and you have to leave by that date. Having that back up plan took a lot of the pressure off me. In fact, by the time we got engaged , I was quite emotionally prepared to begin a new life. I'm pleased we stayed together, but it was comforting to have that mental picture there. (And it's always there, in the event things go awry for us!)

Hopefully it all turns out well for you OP!

It's the potential delay to starting a family that is of most concern. You don't want to end up waiting another 3-5 years for that. I would now say look, I want to try for a baby asap. Either we book the wedding and get straight on with it, or we don't have a future after all and I'll buy my own house and get a sperm donor.

I think you've long gone past the point of engagement. If it's that important to you to be married before having kids then I'd insist on booking a wedding ceremony. Sounds like you'll be putting down more deposit for the house and as it'll be in joint names, it'll be half his anyway despite not being married. I'd seriously put off buying a house with him. Tell him you'd rather wait a bit longer and have enough for a wedding and a house!

Are your savings in a joint account or separate accounts?

If joint account please move your funds (and interest) out before you even start planning the come to Jesus talk.

It really is all about him and his preference isn't it. I also can't get past the manipulation of someone who has to go for a walk because your feelings have upset him, to me that say's 'keep your inconvenient feelings to yourself in future, don't burden me with them'.

@Emerald99

I've been with dp for 8 years , children and a house finally got proposed to recently. Children are much more of a commitment than marriage. Hope things work out for you.

@Emerald99 in what world are children more of a commitment? Men walk away from their kids all the time!

“It’d be ironic if after all this it’s actually in my better interests to not be married at all!”

OP please don't let protecting your deposit be the only advice you take from this thread. Even if you now convince yourself it's better for you to stay unmarried and buy the house, his refusal to marry you is still an issue and could be part of a wider issue of him not wanting to commit to you at all, which could prevent you from having children.

Children are much more of a commitment than marriage. Not for men.

I'd been with DH 6 years, he said all the same things, we had three houses, I was 30 and felt the same way so said when are we getting married. He said i want to save longer, so I said about fertility and I'm not willing to wait any longer, three months later we were married. If he wants to he would have listened and acted. I think you need to have a think

@Supersimkin2

Children are much more of a commitment than marriage. Not for men.

This x 1000. The govt just wrote off 2 BILLION of unpaid maintenance, and that’s only what’s on csa and they’ve decided they can’t collect so it’s easily at least 4 billion pounds that children and mostly mums are owed and have to manage without to bring up their children alone.

@Waitingfornothing

Thank you everyone.

I hadn’t actually considered the possibility of us marrying, buying a house and then him getting access to half of my equity should we then divorce. It’d be ironic if after all this it’s actually in my better interests to not be married at all!

Not really.

Most houses are held 50/50
If you want something different then you need to research that well or just buy alone.

Men who want to get engaged/married /have children act on it and don’t dilly dally like this

Don’t waste more of your precious fertile years

You can set up your mortgage to protect your bigger deposit, you simply need to write it in at the start. Then again, he will probably sulk about it.

I just re-read your original post again. So you were happy with a fairly cheap ring and a registry office. So this isn’t really about cost, I think he’s making excuses and kicking the can of engagement down the road so he doesn’t have to think about it. Going for a walk and basically sulking is not great either. What’s there to think or sulk about ? He either wants to get married or not.

Come back and post OP.

Just to make you think. I married at 32, was 34 when it was found out my fertility was declining (though due to the way it was presented, didn't realise this till later), 36 before I embarked on treatments and 38 when we realised there was no hope for us having our own child.

We adopted in our 40s but that was never the original plan.

You’re clearly feeling hurt, and he deals with that by going for a walk and conveniently removing himself from the situation.

I hate to say this, but for that alone I’d fling him back in the pond.

This for you is a serious thing. You want children, marriage and a house. That’s absolutely fine! You are 34 so it is time to get a move on with the kids thing and unfortunately I don’t think you can do this with him. He’s being quite selfish.

To answer some posters question - my money is and always has been in my own solo account so he cannot access it.

He has now said lets book a registry office date, the earliest date is now much later this year probably due to all the rebooks from covid. He says he asked for my ideas on rings months ago so that when he did eventually propose it’d be a ‘surprise’ but with a ring to my taste. He realises now that he didn’t think about my feelings enough, got too caught up in him wanting to do it “properly”. He is adamant he would have bought a ring and proposed once we have secured a property as that was his main focus, getting as much of a deposit together as possible - even though I’ve explained he could have got a placeholder ring/no ring and that being romantic and doing it ‘his’ way didn’t have to cost a penny.

I still feel really mixed up about what I want now.

I think it’s hard op as it’s not the proposal you wanted and has taken the happiness out of it. You basically had to give him an ultimatum really . It’s tough , not surprised you aren’t feeling happy at the moment