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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Possibly being ghosted and I cannot deal.

130 replies

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:04

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I started talking to someone online 6 days ago and we spoke everyday throughout the day, even when he was at work. Yesterday he didn't reply, and it's nearing the end of today and he still hasn't replied. We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far. It's very rare for me to come across someone I really like and now I feel like I've ruined it for myself. It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

I'm aware there are many reasons he may not be responding, but I really feel like I may have hurt his feelings, and if that is the case, I just want to apologise. My only consolation is that I'm 100% certain he liked talking to me and hasn't unmatched me. My current plan is to wait 3 days in total, and then just ask if he's ok. If I did hurt his feelings, or something else happened, that gives him the opportunity to say it, and also see that I like talking to him. If someone hurt my feelings, I would prefer for them to notice and ask me, rather than wait for me to tell them that they said something wrong.

Rejection is one thing, but leaving something unresolved when it may have been your fault is something I can't do, so at the very least I want to try. I'm not just being in denial about being rejected, it's the not knowing what's happening. I just want to know if my current plan is ok?

OP posts:

Panozzo · 30/01/2021 21:13

I think it sounds like a good plan! 3 days is long enough to give him a chance to reply. If you still haven't heard from him then drop him a casual message. I would go in with, 'I'm sorry if I upset you', just a general, 'how's things?' and take it from there.

If he still doesn't reply after a further 3 days I'd just draw a line under it and accept that it wasn't meant to be (easier said than done when you like someone but there's nothing else for it really).

GoodAsMyWord · 30/01/2021 21:13

Your plan sounds fine to me. But I don't agree that there is nothing you can do about how you feel. You already know your reaction is disproportionate, so maybe take a look at why that is? You've never met this guy, you've been messaging for six days - why does it matter so much?

Panozzo · 30/01/2021 21:13

Wouldn't* go in with 'sorry'

MrsWindass · 30/01/2021 21:16

I don't know why are waiting for a reply - just message him light hearted and see what happens . Don't overthink it .

PanamaPattie · 30/01/2021 21:17

It was too much - too soon. I would leave well alone. If he wants to contact you - he will. Try and be a bit more cautious and calmer next time.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:53

definitely not lol

OP posts:

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:58

ok this good to hear.

idk if i’ll be able to draw a line even then tbh, i’ll just think he’s died or broke his phone and will never find me again, which is worse lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:59

i know why it matters and there’s nothing i can do about that either tbh

OP posts:

sapnupuas · 30/01/2021 22:04

It shouldn't be this difficult six days in, before you've even had a date!

Move on.

havecourage8bekind · 30/01/2021 22:06

You sound so much like me it hurts I'm new to the whole online thing and spent five days pining over some guy I'd spoken to for six days who ghosted me....then he came back randomly and now I think he's ghosting me again. Can't cope!! Also can't cope with how quick I seem to give a crap about randomers?!

Smartiepants79 · 30/01/2021 22:09

You’ve known this person existed for less than a week!?
And you’ve never actually met!?
In the nicest possible way - this is madness!
If you’re that invested then wait a few days and then ask upfront if you’ve upset him.
If I’ve understood you right it’s been only 24 between communications. In a ‘relationship’ that’s lasted a few days. I could go longer than that with members of my immediate family without truly being worried.
Honestly, you really know nothing about him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:11

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I think you need to reframe this a little in your mind to help not just this time but for anyone else you may be interested in.

So I think the first part of this paragraph is the one you should tackle as more or a priority than asking for tips re this particular guy.

You said "my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel"

The good news is that there is plenty you can do to work on these types of feelings in general, if you suffer with anxiety etc.

I have found a mixture of therapy and some meds (beta blockers for me) helped with severe anxiety which for a period of time affected my dating dynamics.

You could try mindfulness, meditation, sleep hygiene, self imposed time limits for social media / phone use etc.

You don't want to get into the habit of investing so much headspace so quickly with someone (a stranger) and that causing you anxiety. It's a horrible feelings and I used to be that way too, but there are loads of things you can do to tackle it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I think you need to reframe this a little in your mind to help not just this time but for anyone else you may be interested in.

So I think the first part of this paragraph is the one you should tackle as more or a priority than asking for tips re this particular guy.

You said "my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel"

The good news is that there is plenty you can do to work on these types of feelings in general, if you suffer with anxiety etc.

I have found a mixture of therapy and some meds (beta blockers for me) helped with severe anxiety which for a period of time affected my dating dynamics.

You could try mindfulness, meditation, sleep hygiene, self imposed time limits for social media / phone use etc.

This goes for you too then @havecourage8bekind as there's no need to be so anxious and invested in a stranger! Dating can and should be something fun not all consuming and stressful. Again not a judgement as I've been there too, it took me a lot of work to stop getting into that cycle with different people and having that horrible panicky feeling of knowing they arent into it suddenly etc. I promise there are loads of things to try (I don't mean games, I mean working on yourself and your boundaries) that can stop that.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:19

i already know i clearly have an issue, i’m trying to deal with it in a practical way by trying to resolve/find out what the problem with the situation is.

it’s been 2 days now. i’m not clingy, i just can’t deal when the frequency of interaction changes, as that to me signifies an issue. i don’t need to talk to him everyday or even every 2 days, but i’d like to continue to know him, and now i feel like somethings not right due to the change in frequency, and if it’s because of what i said then i want to fix it. i don’t expect him to speak to me everyday.

OP posts:

DragonPoop · 30/01/2021 22:20

You’ve known him for 6 days, please relax!

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:23

i mean it’s clearly an attachment issue, but it is what it is. it’s always been like this for me. it’s good that i can at least somewhat control my actions, otherwise i’d probably definitely be insane lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:24

i know it’s disproportionate and i can’t relax

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:25

@anononame

i already know i clearly have an issue, i’m trying to deal with it in a practical way by trying to resolve/find out what the problem with the situation is.

My post suggesting ways of tackling the anxiety was an attempt to help you not feel like this again as your implied that this isn't a one off type of anxiety for you.

It sounds like you're dismissive of those suggestions and only want specific advice about this one particular person.

But as it's unlikely at this stage that you'll end up seeing him it would be useful for you to tackle those underlying issues surely, or this will just be how you feel every time this happens.

Anyway I wish you well and sorry if my post sounded judgemental rather than helpful. That wasn't my intention.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:26

@anononame

What have you tried in the past to tackle this? Have you spoken to your GP about anxiety / tried therapy / looked into mindfulness etc? I've suggested some ideas upthread in case they are of use.

Butterymuffin · 30/01/2021 22:27

Yes, that's a decent plan.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 22:27

Your emotional investment in this absolute nothing of a relationship is alarming. He is literally a stranger to you.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:28

I’m not sure what to say but this is very unhealthy. This is a stranger. You’ve never even met him, and you’re so so invested. You’d think this was a long term partner you were talking about.

I think you need to seek some counselling and shouldn’t be in relationships if you react like this do early on. It’s not a healthy way to live.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:28

i already know i have an issue, it’s always been this way in some way or other, but i can get help on the current issue at hand faster than trying to tackle the deep rooted psychological issue, so i want to fix the small problem first, then deal with the bigger one.

definitely have been considering therapy for a while now.

OP posts:

StarfishExpress · 30/01/2021 22:29

My suggestion: talk to many more people online. In my experience, of course everyone will tell you to work on yourself and be less anxious etc. But what is much easier is to just increase the number of people you're speaking to, put some space between you and this person and spread the crazy out a bit. I say crazy in the most affectionate way. It's good, but when OLD, it's easy for it to get concentrated on one person. Spread the love.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:29

We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me

You didn’t. And you don’t know that, he’s a stranger. It’s the weekend, he’s likely on a date with someone else.

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