Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly being ghosted and I cannot deal.

130 replies

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:04

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I started talking to someone online 6 days ago and we spoke everyday throughout the day, even when he was at work. Yesterday he didn't reply, and it's nearing the end of today and he still hasn't replied. We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far. It's very rare for me to come across someone I really like and now I feel like I've ruined it for myself. It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

I'm aware there are many reasons he may not be responding, but I really feel like I may have hurt his feelings, and if that is the case, I just want to apologise. My only consolation is that I'm 100% certain he liked talking to me and hasn't unmatched me. My current plan is to wait 3 days in total, and then just ask if he's ok. If I did hurt his feelings, or something else happened, that gives him the opportunity to say it, and also see that I like talking to him. If someone hurt my feelings, I would prefer for them to notice and ask me, rather than wait for me to tell them that they said something wrong.

Rejection is one thing, but leaving something unresolved when it may have been your fault is something I can't do, so at the very least I want to try. I'm not just being in denial about being rejected, it's the not knowing what's happening. I just want to know if my current plan is ok?

OP posts:
23chilton · 30/01/2021 23:53

@anononame

OK GUYS HE FINALLY REPLIED AND HES NOT OFFENDED AND IM GOING TO THERAPY!!!!!
Great.. I've just seen this..

Glad to hear you're seeking therapy too.

SunsetSenora · 30/01/2021 23:58

You might not have attachment issues, just a bit over sensitive because of this crummy situation we are all in at the moment. As long as you recognize it is an over reaction, and dont run around after him (I agree with the idea that you should just do a simple 'hows things' rather than 'what did I do wrong').

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 23:59

It sounds like this might now trigger the bit of your thought cycle where you think ah well he has replied so I feel less anxious now, so I won't go to therapy. You really still should.

Original poster
anononame · 31/01/2021 00:09

he just replied and i’m definitely insane lol

OP posts:
Original poster
anononame · 31/01/2021 00:10

yeah tbh i thought about cancelling the session lol, but i won’t, time to get the ball rolling i guess

OP posts:
Original poster
anononame · 31/01/2021 00:11

he just replied, i’m just insane

OP posts:
Original poster
anononame · 31/01/2021 00:14

oh i definitely have attachment issues lol, it’s not the first time this has happened, it’s just that this one has triggered me to a bigger extent. anyway he just replied finally. i’m not outwardly clingy/needy so my behaviour isn’t really the issue, more the fact that my emotions get extreme and i keep it inside. just gna do the therapy session tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
anononame · 31/01/2021 00:14

loool thanks !

OP posts:
yahyahs22 · 31/01/2021 00:43

You honestly sound like me in my early/mid twenties. Therapy is a good idea believe me! Also, age and experience will help.
Glad he's replied, but don't be surprised if he does it again...

PicsInRed · 31/01/2021 00:55

He's a total stranger insulting you on social media. That's not "humour style" and theres no "our" at 6 days. Google "negging". I think he's been negging you.

I don't think you're in a good place to date online.

CatAndHisKit · 31/01/2021 02:20

If it's mutual banter as OP said, where they both mock each other as that's their style, then it's not 'negging'. It can actually be very funny if people aer on the same wavelength.

LudoTrouble · 31/01/2021 03:00

I disagree that you're broken and/or dysfunctional. You sound pretty normal to me.

Dating, especially online dating is brutal on the emotions.

Counselling or therapy can be great for learning coping strategies and keeping in touch with your emotional health but please don't think you're a freak for reacting the way you have. It's well within the range of average normal emotional reactions.

Veronika13 · 31/01/2021 04:56

OP the fact he’s changed your whole mood SO much just by messaging you again, shows how your mental happiness wellbeing is so dependent on him! Can you not see how him messaging again should have you reacted as: ‘oh he responded. Ok. Nice’ and not the ecstatic happiness you’re experiencing.

This man has a hold of your everyday feelings already and you haven’t even met him.

I’ve been there and then I realised my mood should NOT depend on whether a stranger is messaging me.

Please see help. If he was to ghost you tomorrow you’d be back to square one.

You sound a bit like a happy puppy with a wiggling tail, happy that this man has started messaging you again. You should be more indifferent at this early stage.

Monty27 · 31/01/2021 05:19

OP he may have been with a family in those missing days and now he's back from outer space to talking.
Online dating probably isn't a good thing for you. In my friend's experience you have the skin of a rhinoceros.
I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 06:51

I disagree that you're broken and/or dysfunctional. You sound pretty normal to me

It’s really sad you think this as This really isn’t normal, nor is it healthy. If you suffer similarity then it is better to get help rather than pretend it’s normal.

Op, I’m glad you’re seeking help. I think it’s positive you’ve understood there is mental health issues at play here and to try to get youtself to a healthier place. It’s doubtful a relationship will work long term if you can’t try to move yourself to a healthier place.

Unicornamy · 31/01/2021 07:16

You CERTAINLY have an attachment issue and it could ruin relationships for you if you don’t manage it. It’s clinginess. Anxious preoccupied ...
You’ve known him for less than a week, never met him and already losing your mind that he hasn’t replied. Just look on YouTube for how to work on it. If that doesn’t help then certainly see a therapist. Otherwise you’re in for a terribly bumpy, heartbreaking ride with the strangers you meet online.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/01/2021 07:33

Why are people saying this isn’t normal behaviour??

The OP is mid 20’s. She’s talking to a man she likes. Of course she’s going to be happy when he responds, have you all forgotten the butterflies of the early days of relationships. For fucks sake!

OP I’m glad he responded and all is well. Enjoy these times because all too soon it’s apparently forgotten and you’ll be berating youngsters on Internet forums for being too into a prospective mate.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 07:44

@AmazingBouncingFerret

Why are people saying this isn’t normal behaviour??

The OP is mid 20’s. She’s talking to a man she likes. Of course she’s going to be happy when he responds, have you all forgotten the butterflies of the early days of relationships. For fucks sake!

OP I’m glad he responded and all is well. Enjoy these times because all too soon it’s apparently forgotten and you’ll be berating youngsters on Internet forums for being too into a prospective mate.

What now? This isn’t about her being happy when he responds. You’ve misread the thread

It’s about her not being able to eat, thinking it’s her fault, being obsessed with his lack of response and sitting coming up with plans on when to contact him, when this is a man she’s never even met and has texted for less than a week.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/01/2021 07:52

Is it exaggeration though?
“Oh god I can’t eat! He hasn’t texted me back!”
And the plan was hardly some elaborate scheme was it. She just voiced her decision to message him something casual after three days of silence. That sounds fairly normal too.

I dunno. Reading some of these replies about her playing it cool with online dating and she should have just short responses and more than one on the go just sounds a bit sad.

Maybe I’m more of a romantic then I originally thought.

GreyGoose1980 · 31/01/2021 07:55

Are you new to online dating OP? I mean this to sound supportive as did a lot of online dating. You are focusing way too much energy on someone you’ve never met and only texted a few times. You may have just come across too intense. It’s a numbers game -and a long game! Start sending a ‘like’ or an initial message to a couple of other people now to distract yourself and put it in perspective. People are completely different when you meet up anyway so just focus on chatting to a variety of people with the goal of securing some dates and go from there.

Flatcokeisnojoke · 31/01/2021 08:02

It’s normal to worry, esp if there is banter with someone you don’t really know, it’s tricky territory

Just bear in mind he’s probably talking to many different women

I’d suggest you also cast your net wide, not get too hung up about 1 guy

dangerrabbit · 31/01/2021 08:24

I agree with PPs, you need to message other blokes to get a variety at this stage of OLD. This will reduce the intensity of your emotional response to any one person at this early stage.

JorisBonson · 31/01/2021 08:26

Six days! I've had milk in my fridge longer.

peanutbutter00 · 31/01/2021 08:27

I used to struggle with this attachment too, it was because I was imagining something I didn't yet have, I was focused so much on where it would go and what this could be in the near future that I got so invested and hurt when messages stopped or became infrequent.

The thing with online dating is most people present the best version of themselves and some put a lot of effort into communication at the start, more than they normally have time or energy for. So once they need to get back to their normal communication patterns (going from many messages a day to once a day for example) the other person might be upset by this.

Some do this just because they're not interested. I've had this before, I messaged to prompt a response after a while, we picked the conversation up and then it happened again so I let it go.

Littlepaws18 · 31/01/2021 08:54

Feel for you! Dating is difficult and awkward however you did massively obsess over 6 days of convos. You remind me of the woman on here who wrote 300 messages over a few text messages and a couple of dates! However what makes you different from her is you recognise this isn't a healthy pattern if obsessive behaviour! Which is half the battle!

I suggest you get into something else to occupy your mind like a book or a boxset- game of thrones! Or something so when he does text or doesn't it's not the only thing that will occupy your mind. I was very much like this and I found when I relaxed and was not so intense relationships flourished!

Really hope it all works out for you x

Swipe left for the next trending thread