Possibly being ghosted and I cannot deal.

[anononame]

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I started talking to someone online 6 days ago and we spoke everyday throughout the day, even when he was at work. Yesterday he didn't reply, and it's nearing the end of today and he still hasn't replied. We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far. It's very rare for me to come across someone I really like and now I feel like I've ruined it for myself. It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

I'm aware there are many reasons he may not be responding, but I really feel like I may have hurt his feelings, and if that is the case, I just want to apologise. My only consolation is that I'm 100% certain he liked talking to me and hasn't unmatched me. My current plan is to wait 3 days in total, and then just ask if he's ok. If I did hurt his feelings, or something else happened, that gives him the opportunity to say it, and also see that I like talking to him. If someone hurt my feelings, I would prefer for them to notice and ask me, rather than wait for me to tell them that they said something wrong.

Rejection is one thing, but leaving something unresolved when it may have been your fault is something I can't do, so at the very least I want to try. I'm not just being in denial about being rejected, it's the not knowing what's happening. I just want to know if my current plan is ok?

this is the problem, i don’t have the energy to talk to people, i can’t have another small talk, it’s draining, i get bored, all their profiles are exactly the same too

thank you for simply answering the question

We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far

A 'humour style' based on mocking each other? Hmm. That strings up a ton of red flags for me, because humour where you good-naturedly take the piss out of a partner can only really happen when both parties really know each other - and know what lines not to cross.

And...you have been messaging this guy 6 days. How can you possibly know how well you get along?

Walk away, and go to your phone session tomorrow.

I'm assuming you've booked it on one of the online platforms where you can match with an available therapist at any time or somesuch, to the poster who doubted your booking a session.

i went to a few sessions about 4 years ago to talk about a breakup, idk if that counts

@anononame

thank you for simply answering the question

Apologies on behalf of me and other people who tried to give advice that may actually help long term! You seem to have an issue with people making suggestions that don't reinforce your existing plans... good luck and hopefully you do go to therapy. It would be really beneficial for your future.

well it’ll always start somewhere and eventually you learn each other’s boundaries.

i know because the conversation never actually ended and the messages were relatively long + we have the same banter style + similar interests so far.

yeah i booked it online + it’s a phone session

i just need short term help, i already know i have issues, + i just booked a therapy session for tomorrow

Oh man! Yeah step away, it’s just some random on the internet - you don’t even know who it is

I’d focus on getting some help for your issues tbh and step away from the online dating for now

This seems very deep after just 6 days,you dont know him x

No. Don't message him anymore.

if he does it again then i’ll know that’s just his communication pattern, so i’ll know he’s not ghosting me.

ok, i would like to tackle the immediate issue and the long term issue. it’s just that the long term issue is only an issue sometimes, until it becomes an issue again, and then i just want immediate relief

You need to get turned off by this nonsense. 6 days of intense chatting then nothing. Get. Turned. Off.

I used to have an anxious preoccupied attachment style but i have worked on it and become more resilient.

Now, id rather listen to audibles than chat bollox to total strangers on line all evening several evenings in a row 😧

@anononame

i just need short term help, i already know i have issues, + i just booked a therapy session for tomorrow

Very proactive 👍💃🏆

the longest conversation i’ve had before this is probably a day. i don’t mind talking less or more, i just want a clear consistent pattern established, and as this is so new, i have no idea of knowing if this is the pattern being established.

i’ve diagnosed myself with anxious preoccupied too based on my very brief research of it

yeah i thought maybe he’s busy on his days off tbf, obviously i’ve considered all the options, but i’m stuck on it being my fault.

i’ve been in a somewhat relationship with these same issues before and never made my problems the other person’s problem, it takes a lot for me to say something is bothering me, which is obviously an issue in itself

@anononame

what i said to him is a bit long to explain, but he said a couple things which had the potential to offend/hurt me and i brushed it off as i know it’s just a joke so i’m hoping he knows i’m just joking too

i don’t think i’d have this problem if i was in a relationship which felt secure to me, as in a relationship, the pattern of communication would be established, and if there’s an issue with something, it’s just a case of talking about it

Sorry to disappoint you, but that's not how relationships work.

I implore you to seek therapy.

Oh OP, I could have written this exact post many times over in my life. I completely understand feeling anxious when communication levels change and seeking consistency. I can’t leave things unanswered either.

Your plan sounds fine to me. I hope therapy helps you and you can make peace with this whatever happens

that’s literally all i want to do, 3/4 days of no talking in comparison to talking everyday is a fair break at which point to message him something. absolutely would not message him again if he doesn’t reply to that and definitely not planning on going straight in with an apology

thanks for looking past the insanity!

Honestly OP, most people on online dating are talking to at least three or four other people at the same time. Just have a peek at the dating thread. I think it's way more likely he suddenly got more serious with one of his other "irons" than it being anything you said.

I was really terrible at OLD when I started. I took a few tips from the dating threads on here which I refined over the years.

My rule was never get into long chats with strangers online. Honestly. It's not worth your precious time. Do anything else but.

Obviously difficult during a pandemic but the purpose of OLD is to find someone to actually meet and date.

You have NO idea if this person had any intention of ever meeting you or anyone else.

Use OLD as a way to find people to meet and nothing more. No one ever comes over in RL like they do online.

Limit online interaction to two or three messages to establish mutual interest and then set up the date. Preferably coffee so you don't waste an evening on a loser.

I'd honestly not be bothering until in person meet ups are possible again, unless you meet for a walk and outdoor coffee (I've had first dates like that and they can work) and it sounds like you could use the time for the therapy anyway.

Good luck

@anononame

thanks for looking past the insanity!

I know how it feels to feel like you are going insane and wishing you could just get a grip but not being able to!

Op you should also take a look at BPD. Your attachments to people are not normal.

For all you know he could have a wife and kids and you are one of many he gets his kicks from. The internet is full of these types.

OK GUYS HE FINALLY REPLIED AND HES NOT OFFENDED AND IM GOING TO THERAPY!!!!!

Why has this got to be so complicated? Why don't you just message him and be honest in simply saying that you wanted to check all is well as you've not heard from him in over 24 hours. More importantly you had time to reflect on the last message you sent and it occurred to you that it may have been taken out of context and if that's the case you'd like to extend an apology. Furthermore, it'd be nice to hear back from him as you've enjoyed your chats but nevertheless there's no pressure if he'd rather not. Simples.. if he doesn't respond after the message then you know you've been ghosted and you can move on. You've got to accept that when it comes to OLD, you may not always get closure.