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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Possibly being ghosted and I cannot deal.

130 replies

anononame · 30/01/2021 21:04

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I started talking to someone online 6 days ago and we spoke everyday throughout the day, even when he was at work. Yesterday he didn't reply, and it's nearing the end of today and he still hasn't replied. We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far. It's very rare for me to come across someone I really like and now I feel like I've ruined it for myself. It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

I'm aware there are many reasons he may not be responding, but I really feel like I may have hurt his feelings, and if that is the case, I just want to apologise. My only consolation is that I'm 100% certain he liked talking to me and hasn't unmatched me. My current plan is to wait 3 days in total, and then just ask if he's ok. If I did hurt his feelings, or something else happened, that gives him the opportunity to say it, and also see that I like talking to him. If someone hurt my feelings, I would prefer for them to notice and ask me, rather than wait for me to tell them that they said something wrong.

Rejection is one thing, but leaving something unresolved when it may have been your fault is something I can't do, so at the very least I want to try. I'm not just being in denial about being rejected, it's the not knowing what's happening. I just want to know if my current plan is ok?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 22:29

Don't just consider getting therapy, do it. You are in no way capable of forming a healthy relationship as things stand.

AramintaLee · 30/01/2021 22:31

Hi OP. Honestly, if you're this attached after 6 days, it's possibly for the best if he has chosen to walk away and you should perhaps seek some help for your issues before engaging in online dating. Rejection is quite high and you are aware you have attachment issues. It's not a good combination.

I don't mean this to sound harsh so sorry if that's how it's coming across. I just think perhaps you need to try and work on yourself a bit first and then the whole process will be a bit easier. Good luck x

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:34

Maybe it was all too instense for him op. Maybe he is with someone else this weekend, for sure though he is not thinking about this like you are and making himself ill

Your plan is fine, but your behaviour is so so desperate and needy you really need to get some help.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:35

i’m posting on here for the first time and the site is a bit confusing, i meant to send that specific message to someone else.

i keep going back and forth on the idea of therapy as most of the time i’m fine so it feels like i have no reason to go.

OP posts:

StarfishExpress · 30/01/2021 22:38

If you can afford it, therapy is good no matter what. Everyone needs to take care of their mental health, just as they do their physical health. Don't worry about it not being "serious" enough. Can't hurt to talk to someone!

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:40

But you’ve already said you know you have problems, you know it’s serious enough to go when you’re making yourself ill because some stranger isn’t responding to you and coming up with plans to contact him and fantasising you got on really well.

As the pp said, maybe this is a plus for you, come of old and start looking for therapy Monday morning,

gamerchick · 30/01/2021 22:41

6 days in and it was all mocking each other? What did you say to him?

You shouldn't be so bereft 6 days in. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship at the present time.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:42

what was too intense? talking so much? if yes, then it takes 2 to convo, if he’s just taking some days off that’s fine, i don’t need to talk to him everyday, that’s not the problem for me, it’s that the change of pattern to me indicates that something isn’t right and i want to fix it.

if my plan is fine then that’s all i really care about right now tbh. i already know my emotions are desperate and needy, luckily i don’t directly act on it, but i do feel the emotions and have to do something about it, and i’m trying to do that in a more proportionate manner e.g my plan. if i were to act on my emotions completely, i’d probably be sending him a love letter lol

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:43

@anononame

i already know i have an issue, it’s always been this way in some way or other, but i can get help on the current issue at hand faster than trying to tackle the deep rooted psychological issue, so i want to fix the small problem first, then deal with the bigger one.

definitely have been considering therapy for a while now.

I think it would be best to start some therapy while you take a break from dating, including not chasing up this guy to be honest.

You aren't in the right headspace to be meeting new people especially as if some do progress to 'real life' meetings you'll be even more invested and that will create even more anxiety.

I really think you should consider just taking a few months off dating (at least) to look into and start some therapy.

There's no point tackling this little problem (this guy) because you don't know him and you're already in an anxiety spiral about him. Best to leave it alone and focus on the underlying deep rooted issues. You'll have to at some point and it'll be harder the longer you leave it!

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:47

what i said to him is a bit long to explain, but he said a couple things which had the potential to offend/hurt me and i brushed it off as i know it’s just a joke so i’m hoping he knows i’m just joking too

i don’t think i’d have this problem if i was in a relationship which felt secure to me, as in a relationship, the pattern of communication would be established, and if there’s an issue with something, it’s just a case of talking about it

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:48

Ok then if you wish the right plan then it’s do not contact him again. If he’s interested he will get in touch. If he’s not he won’t.

Seek some help.

The best plan is not for you to contact him. The best plan is not to contact him at all.

TheStoic · 30/01/2021 22:49

You’ve got a lot of insight and self-awareness.

But you’re wrong about ‘fixing’ this immediate problem first. What happens if you start talking to him again and he goes quiet again next week, or the week after?

Focusing on your attachment issues should be your absolute number one priority.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:49

What did he say to you op?

This doesn’t sound good. Was this man insulting you?

unbotheredbutbewildered · 30/01/2021 22:49

How old are you OP? You sound a bit like late-teens.

Online dating is hard. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on.

Six days is nothing - it’s not even a week. Factoring in sleep and life, you really can’t have spoken that much!

I get you’re invested, but think rationally; is this actually healthy? No. Is this going to attract him to you? No. Do you sound a tiny bit like a stalker? Yes.

I would suggest therapy though. This really is fairly alarming behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:51

I’m worried you say the texting was mocking, and that he texted things that had the potential to offend you and you brushed them off . I’m worried he was just playing you and taking the piss, thought it was funny to abuse you.

That’s not normal op. Exactly what was he texting?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:53

You can't have a secure relationship like that without tackling the underlying issues you have described having internally. They aren't to do with this guy or anyone else you'll meet in future, per se.

They are your issues so it's important as an adult to deal with them so you can feel less anxious and more empowered and secure in yourself. Then you will be able to form healthy attachments.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 22:55

Op people who want to get to know you don’t send you texts mocking you and write offensive things. I think this is a bad man who isn’t sincere and you really need to not contact him.

Ok?💐

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 22:59

loool i am mid 20s! clearly very underdeveloped. there’s a massive gap between my actual reaction and the plan itself. if i’ve offended him, then i’d like to simply apologise, as we got along quite well, that’s it.

i’ve booked a phone session for tomorrow

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 30/01/2021 22:59

I'd say it would depend on the kind of messages you sent. It is easy to get over invested in people like this. And I would imagine it's a million times worse in lockdown. He's stepped back. Don't know why. Wait a few days and send him a casual text. If no reply then dont contact him again. And certainly don't go into the ins and outs of what you wrote and if he was upset by it.

PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2021 22:59

it’s that the change of pattern to me indicates that something isn’t right and i want to fix it.

TBH, 4 days on and 2 days off suggests he was happy texting from work, but not from home on his days off....

Either way. As PP have said; I don't think you are anywhere near being ready for any sort of relationship. You can't jump straight to the "proper relationship where we talk about things" stage. It's not fair on anyone you are trying to have this relationship with, and will just reinforce the spiral - they'll freak, run, and just reinforce your issues.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 23:00

i’ve booked a phone session for tomorrow

No you haven’t. It’s eleven o clock at night, no one books phone sessions on a sat night for the next day,

Not sure about this now.

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 23:01

honestly i took it as a joke and i’m sure it was one. i don’t want to say it in case i get paranoid about him finding this post lol. but no i don’t think he was abusing me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 23:03

You think he’s on mumsnet and can identify you from this?

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 23:03

ok but i literally actually did, why would i lie

OP posts:

Original poster

anononame · 30/01/2021 23:03

looool, i mean i’d just rather not risk it

OP posts:

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