Page 5 | Possibly being ghosted and I cannot deal.

Lullaby88 · 31/01/2021 09:09

He will probably turn up again. And say sorry i was busy or some shite. Thats if he actually likes u and is playing the hard to get thing. Personally i wouldnt text him at all. I dont play that shit im in my 30s tho. :)

Lullaby88 · 31/01/2021 09:21

Sorry iv just read he did reply after looking at ur posts, tbh i dont think ur crazy or need therapy either. Its a normal reaction when u really like someone. It creates panic and makes you like them more (sometimes). Im not proud to say iv played this in my teens and 20's and have had it done to me and it actually works it can make ur feelings increase a lot at the begining stages. Im older now and wouldnt do it at this age. But yes it does make u go crazy or the other person go crazy depending on who is playing the game more.

Lullaby88 · 31/01/2021 09:24

Either hes playing or he is occupied texting other women on the online app ur on and not that in to u. Thats for u to figure out from his vibes and how it goes. Give it time.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 31/01/2021 09:27

@JumboShiitake I agree, I did it to begin with but after a while I saw it as a red flag, being available to chat all evening with strangers on line? I'd rather be doing a million other things. If I ever go back on line I think I'll put on my profile that I check messages between a certain time and then go back to my evening. Not that I'd get a single message now being 50 Thank God I've fixed my attachment style.

havecourage8bekind · 31/01/2021 09:31

Advice on fixing your attachment style then? I've definitely registered it as my own red flag - I'm available to chat pretty much anytime and that's not healthy. I understand that covid plays it's part in that because obviously we are all stuck at home therefore naturally more available. I don't wanna play games or tell myself I can't message him in a certain time - how do I let it just come naturally?

WhatWouldZenoDo · 31/01/2021 09:34

Brianna McWilliams and Alan Robarge have a lot of youtube clips that you can scroll through.

also, read ''Attached'' by heller and levine.

Also, natalie Lue's books helped me see that scaring off men wasn't a bad thing. I think I lived in fear of scaring men away when they hadn't shown me they valued me, hadn't proven they were worthy of holding on to....

So I recommend natalie lue's books as well. Lighthearted but the message is clear.

Amotherlife · 31/01/2021 10:00

I'm not the clingy type and never have been but I do remember getting "over invested" in potential new relationships in my early 20s. The difference being that they were guys I'd met in real life as OLD didn't exist then. It was excitement at the potential of it all. I remember one in particular I met at a party. He seemed very keen and we met up, he promised to phone again and didn't. I had his number so I waited a bit, thinking he may have a good reason, maybe not, but I just had to know. When I phoned his mum answered and asked me if I was x (different girl's name). Her tone of voice when I told her my name told me all I needed to know. Never had contact with him again.

I don't think OP is that unusual in getting excited over a man she doesn't know. And several days messaging with sudden no contact would naturally cause one to have doubts.

However, I agree therapy could help. Messaging more people at once also - after the above incident, I resolved to gain as many potential boyfriends as I could, so accepted dates from people I didn't even like much, until someone I did like a lot turned up.

Also I would say it is unlikely a man has become "offended". As an anxious person OP, knowing you overthink it, remind yourself that most men won't be doing this. You may have said something off - putting, and there's nothing you can do about that, but more likely there are other things in their life distracting them.

With the guy above, he had been talking about an ex who dumped him - I didn't know her name but strongly suspected it was the name his mum mentioned on the phone, and that they had got back together. True or not, it gave me closure. (And I didn't like him that much!)

IEat · 31/01/2021 10:04

6 days
Chill
Maybe your need for contact was too much for him
Maybe he decided to step away

mcmooberry · 31/01/2021 11:11

Good that he replied but also good that you are going to make yourself more resilient in the future. I totally understand, OLD does this to you, your mood can be affected by the attention of someone you don't even know, it's crazy!

Good luck! x

Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 13:26

thank you!!!!

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Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 13:32

yeah i’m not clingy either. the initial assumption based on my emotions would be that i’m clingy and needy or have low self esteem, but i’m the opposite. i just need consistency.

once a pattern of communication is established, then it’s fine if he doesn’t reply some days, as long as the pattern itself remains consistent.

and yeah i’d assume most people don’t like being ghosted lol, so it’s a normal reaction, just very exaggerated for me, because i need therapy lol.

i don’t have the energy to talk to people i can’t deal with the boring convos anymore.

and yeah closure is important, hence ghosting is so frustrating, if though some nah say that’s closure in itself

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Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 13:35

i’ve seen that booked mentioned a few times so i’ll check it out.

yeah i know logically from past experience that i shouldn’t be scared of losing people and they are replaceable, but the annoying emotions are still there lol

thanks !!

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Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 13:37

ugh this is my exact thought process. like if i like talking to someone, then why on earth am i going to pretend that i’m not on my phone 24/7, i don’t want to have to play games just because other people can’t sort out their own ego and think less of you for simply not playing games.

i have no tips for you on how to let it come naturally, as i don’t think it’s natural to not reply when you can lol

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anononame · 31/01/2021 13:40

looool yes, thank god for my self awareness, i’m crazy but i keep it to myself.

i’m sure i won’t be replying so fast if i wasn’t in a lockdown but what else is there to do, even if i pick up a book i can hear my phone go off. but i still get very obsessive and can’t actually focus on other stuff.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2021 13:50

Are you still planning to go to your therapy session OP?

bitliketonyhares · 31/01/2021 13:55

Op - you are clingy. You went into a deep depression because he hadn't replied.
Your mood totally changed when he messaged. This isn't normal 1 week in and you know this. He is speaking to other people and he's not as invested as you are. You cannot know you get on so well from chatting for 6 days. You really must step back and try the therapy. It's not normal or healthy behaviour. I would step back from online dating at all, and work on yourself and being happy in your own skin, with your own company.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2021 14:05

It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

This is clingy OP. That's not an insult, it's a fact. Just because the other person doesn't know you feel that way doesn't make the feelings any less unhealthy.

This was a reaction to someone you'd spoken to for six days who hadn't replied for two days. You acknowledged it was hugely disproportionate which is good but you also seem to lack the self awareness to see that just because the other person is unaware of your internal feelings being so extreme, you're self regulating. You aren't.

That's why you really do need to try therapy and investigate not just why you feel this way (you said you have a history of these feelings) but what you can actively do to put in place coping mechanisms to deal with it and change the behaviour.

CBT could be really beneficial to you. Otherwise you're going to live your life in this cycle. The fact you suppress these feelings outwardly (you keep saying that you don't show the other person and keep it under wraps) again doesn't make it any less healthy.

JumboShiitake · 31/01/2021 14:31

@AmazingBouncingFerret

Is it exaggeration though? “Oh god I can’t eat! He hasn’t texted me back!” And the plan was hardly some elaborate scheme was it. She just voiced her decision to message him something casual after three days of silence. That sounds fairly normal too.

I dunno. Reading some of these replies about her playing it cool with online dating and she should have just short responses and more than one on the go just sounds a bit sad.

Maybe I’m more of a romantic then I originally thought.

Absolutely fine once you've met someone in RL and clicked and you think there might be something to get excited about.

Jeez I rarely even fancied 99.9% of the people I went on first dates with through OLD.

It's not worth the effort until you've met a couple of times, it really isn't. And I say that as someone who is pretty romantic when the right person comes along.

Hope the therapy and the advice on the thread is helpful OP.

strawberriesontheNeva · 31/01/2021 14:42

@anononame

To preface: my reaction to the situation is highly disproportionate and I'm aware of that, but there's nothing I can do about how I feel and I need tips on how to proceed.

I started talking to someone online 6 days ago and we spoke everyday throughout the day, even when he was at work. Yesterday he didn't reply, and it's nearing the end of today and he still hasn't replied. We got along REALLY well and I know for a fact that he actually liked talking to me, but our humour style was based on mocking each other and I think I may have taken it too far. It's very rare for me to come across someone I really like and now I feel like I've ruined it for myself. It's making me anxious/miserable to the point where I've lost my appetite. I honestly can't deal.

I'm aware there are many reasons he may not be responding, but I really feel like I may have hurt his feelings, and if that is the case, I just want to apologise. My only consolation is that I'm 100% certain he liked talking to me and hasn't unmatched me. My current plan is to wait 3 days in total, and then just ask if he's ok. If I did hurt his feelings, or something else happened, that gives him the opportunity to say it, and also see that I like talking to him. If someone hurt my feelings, I would prefer for them to notice and ask me, rather than wait for me to tell them that they said something wrong.

Rejection is one thing, but leaving something unresolved when it may have been your fault is something I can't do, so at the very least I want to try. I'm not just being in denial about being rejected, it's the not knowing what's happening. I just want to know if my current plan is ok?

You sound a hell of a lot a bit full on. Chill. You don't want to scare him away.

Skyla2005 · 31/01/2021 15:19

It's six days of messaging
You do not even know this person he could be anybody
If you don't hear from him just move on it's not meant to be. Does sound like you need help to be honest this isn't normal and that's meant in a nice way. Look into counselling

Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 16:01

as long as i’m not making my problems the other person’s problem then that’s cool with me. i know my exaggerated emotions are a problem, it just happens sporadically so as soon as the issue is fixed i just forget about it until the next time. + yes i had an intro therapy session earlier today and will be doing it monthly.

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Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 16:03

he replied anyway. but yeah i don’t have beliefs like “if it’s meant to be” or anything equivalent so that adds on to the issue as i’m left to my own devices, which aren’t adequate lol. will be doing monthly therapy now.

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Jumpers268 · 31/01/2021 16:06

I just read this whole thread and I felt bad for you OP. Yes you're aware that your response to his not messaging isn't great but these are weird times and everything is amplified. My sister cried yesterday because the supermarket didn't have her favourite air freshener 🙈.

I think counselling will do you good (I think counselling would do everyone good) but also it's not always a bad thing to be full on. Fuck a man who messages continuously for 4 days and then nothing for 24 hours. Yeah my DP says I'm full on haha but I'm not clingy. It's not hard to say "I'm crazy busy today but I'll message you tomorrow".

I'm 34 and there's no way I'd be playing these games. The how long to wait to reply etc 🤢.

I hope you're okay!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2021 16:29

@anononame

as long as i’m not making my problems the other person’s problem then that’s cool with me. i know my exaggerated emotions are a problem, it just happens sporadically so as soon as the issue is fixed i just forget about it until the next time. + yes i had an intro therapy session earlier today and will be doing it monthly.

That's great you had your session OP. How did it go? Do you feel it will be beneficial? Really good that you followed through and had the session, well done.

Original poster

anononame · 31/01/2021 16:34

loool yeah, it was very dramatic last night. i’m fine now thanks. i guess people have different needs so it might not cross his mind that i’d be so bothered if he stops replying. could also be a game of course, but there is also the option that talking for 5 days straight is a bit long, so taking a break is fair enough, and because it’s so early he wouldn’t expect me to care so much.

if it is a game it’ll only go downhill from here anyway, at which point i’ll just get bored of being miserable and lose interest as a defender mechanism.

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