Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

No, sweetheart. Sorry but I couldn't do it. Every time I saw the baby, the little child that my husband had with someone else, it would break my heart all over again. Every time he went to visit, every interaction with siblings, every shared moment between him and the mum over first steps, first words etc. And the only thanks you'd get out of it is to be hated by the mother and later be 'stepmother' to the child (not generally a great relationship and less likely to be so if the mother is hostile).

No. You need to protect yourself from this. There's nothing in it for you but pain.

You seem very confident of his relationship with this woman. I find it hard to believe it was as casual as all that when she has contact details for his family and has gone to the lengths of approaching them.

She's clearly intending to use the child in a manipulative fashion rather than being open to this child having a realistic part of his father's life. For that reason I'd be wary of going forwards as your children's feelings could be grown and dashed if she suddenly changes her mind. It all sounds very dramatic.

I do think he is lying and there is or maybe was more to their relationship.

I think leaving would be the only way to shield yourself (though unfortunately not your children completely) from the shit show this situation will turn into.

Your DH sounds like a catch and all this drama will stay with you forever. Is he really worth it? Would he have accepted if you had slept with someone else and had gotten pregnant?

The more I think about it the more I wonder if she has some mental health issues.

To be 31 and living at home and then get kicked out for getting pregnant and her family being really upset?!
And then asking the DP for a relationship and contacting his family etc
It sounds like the actions of a 16 year old not a 31 year old.

@Teensandfuture

katy123 I can't believe what just heard. He to have no contact with his child because he needs to prioritise his relationship with his wife and prioritise his family happiness. Absolutely wile disgusting thing to say. Any adult, regardless of his relationship status, should prioritise all his children before relationship

I disagree to a certain extent.

I’m not going to prioritise anyone else’s child over me and my own children or my relationship. I don’t love anyone else’s children and I don’t care about them. I have one life and I am not going to sacrifice my happiness or that of my children, for anybody else...sorry, I’ve never been a martyr and I’m not going to start now.

But that’s why for me, it wouldn’t work.

Because whilst I could quite willingly give the relationship a shot and forget about the other child’s existence, that’s not really going to happen because too many people are involved; grandparents; the child looking for a relationship their dad; the father feeling resentment that they were unable to have that relationship with their child; sibling curiosity....you can only make a selfish choice, when you don’t have to rely on others to make the same choice.

So, as I know that I could never love or accept an affair stepchild, that would mean one choice. End the relationship.

Everyone is different though, so maybe op can accept the child and their mother.

Ooooppph.. this is really tough..

What does that even mean if you are ‘on a break’ and still together? A break is broken up, or at least a grey area, unless you set clear boundaries.
Either way, I would still be massively furious and hurt. Would have to work on the relationship like adults if you wanted to stay together, which I guess means eventually acceptance and making peace with the situation.

What kind of relationship does your dh want with this child? Is it just paying maintenance with no actual contact? Or will he be wanting 50:50? A lot of my decision would be based on these facts to be honest. I would also be insisting on a dna test as soon as the baby is born. Is the mum putting your dh on the birth certificate or will he go to court to get parental responsibility?
You sound lovely by the way. I think it's difficult to make a decision at the moment. I would be tempted to see how things pan out over the next few years, but that's me. I would also insist on some kind of relationship counselling, even if you have had it before, this has changed everything and will continue to do so after the baby is born.

@Santaiscovidfree

Time apart I assume was to take stock of your life and assess how to move forward with your relationship not how fast you can get laid.

Agree with that. They weren't uni students putting it about on a 'break'. They'd been married for 8 years and have children. A 'break' in this context would mean to me some time apart to decide how - or if - to continue the relationship. Not to have unprotected sex with somebody else.

If I were the OP, I'd consider my marriage over.

This happened to someone I know (I was actually old friends of the H rather than the W ) but very similar. They hit a rough patch, took some space, he read this as opportunity to shag, did so, reconciled with his DW only to learn that the woman he had shagged was pregnant and keeping the child.

They tried to make the marriage work. She was very 'grown up' about it and a bit 'what's done is done' and made it clear that she had no animosity towards the child, but wasn't ready to try and have any kind of relationship with the child. They think this might work.

Cue the baby being born, my friend (the H) meeting the baby, wanting the siblings to meet their half brother, showing his W pics of baby on his phone etc and it was just too much. He couldn't not love the child and she couldn't cope with this other part of his life. The OW would also send updates/pics/messages and it was too much and they split.

It's not just a 'baby' that's coming. It's a human, interactions, plans. logistics, step-siblings and Christmas and school plays and so on. You need to decide if you can cope with all that.

With regard to access/contact, surely DH would get to decide where he spends time with the child during his access time? Defo needs to be formally arranged.

Namechange, did you go with anyone else during your three month break?

The biggest problem that I can see is her being unpleasant towards you. She has no right to be like that and I don't understand it. All I can think is she was hoping for more from your husband and is bitterly disappointed.

You say they did not have a relationship and if they had, it wouldn't have been very long but neither you nor any of us were with them during the times they were together so we don't know what they said to each other or how intense it was.

Please don't think you will be humiliated by this - you will not.

I have known a couple of others who've been in the same position and made it work. As you say it isn't the child's fault. However in neither case did the 'other woman' (if you can call her that), bear resentment towards the wife. They had little or nothing to do with each other but there was no animosity. The child was supported and seen regularly but the marriages stayed intact.

It's a great shame that a child has been conceived in such circumstances but these things happen. Even if there was no child in the mix, he still slept with someone else during your break. Can you get past that?

Not a hope in hell would i stay with him, its one thing to remain together with another woman expecting his child but given that this woman has openly made her feelings clear about you, your future would holdd nothing but mind games with this woman..she feels you 'stole' him back..you can be sure she will try and 'steal' him back
Lifes way too short for that shit show

Take it from a ‘love child’ it sucks not being wanted or involved in things.

“It’s not just a 'baby' that's coming. It's a human, interactions, plans. logistics, step-siblings and Christmas and school plays and so on. You need to decide if you can cope with all that.”

This. I just couldn’t do that

She believes that I 'stole him from her?!!!' could you imagine.
That's your husbands fault, sorry but he gave her that impression.

It's a tough one as I would consider being on break as time out for ourselves, not of sleeping with other people.
I don't know how to explain this properly, I think if I could manage to forgive him sleeping with someone else, the child would be easy to accept, it would his behaviour that would be massive to forgive but if I managed it, of course I would accept his child, it's part of him and not to child's fault.

No, no, NO. Could NEVER accept this. Who does this? A 'break', from your marriage with 2 young kids and he goes off shagging? Don't believe his story at all, either. Even with a DNA test, his first thought was to go pulling, what a tool. Can you imagine what his reaction would be if the shoe were on the other foot? I'd make the break permanent. You're not the one breaking up the family. He's taking the royal piss. I'd tell him he needs to leave.

OP, I would advise taking the idea of being 'humiliated', what people will think/say out of the equation as much as possible. Honestly, this situation isn't unheard of and people have all kinds of family setups. You have no reason to be embarrassed at all. I think you need to break it down to work out how you feel about it.
1 - how this affects your relationship and trust with your husband. Ensuring you have the full facts to base that on.
2 - what the options are regarding contact etc and what you will choose to do either as a couple or if you do ultimately split up. How you would navigate difficult situations if the baby's mum is hostile. What your boundaries are, what you would need in order to feel comfortable. If that's even an option for you.

You don't have to make an instant decision. Talk out every single thing you're thinking and feeling with your DH and maybe go back to the counsellor too. Good luck with everything.

This must be so hard for you, OP.

No great advice, but wanted to say you need to set some boundaries with this OW.

I’m afraid it’s not in her power to deny this child any interaction with you. It’s the child’s interests which come first, and for the child to have a relationship with its father, you will need to be involved.

Possibly, but only if the child was conceived during an absolute period of separation, that we were both fully aware of and agreed to. So, for instance, together for five years and had two children together, properly separated for a year or more - both doing our own thing - back together again as a couple after that. In those circumstances I’d probably consider a child as a step child, which would be totally ok. Doesn’t sound like the usual definition of ‘love child’ though I guess.

Just want to send best wishes. It's easy for others to respond to leave him etc but this is your life.

Take time, I think you need it to process things. Be kind to yourself, take a breath.

Sorry Op no I couldn’t x

I wouldn't be able to handle it.

BUT:

She said she doesn't want me around the child and he won't have overtime stays etc.

She doesn't get to have her way there I'm afraid.

If you do think there's even a chance it could be made to work, that's one thing I would be setting out right fucking now.

When the baby is born, he applies for a court order immediately, to set contact, because there is no way on earth that is going to be at the whim of the mother. If he wants to stay married, he keeps that shit from your door by paying for a legal agreement. And yes, that will absolutely mean that contact - if it is to include your children - WILL be at your home, the mother will NOT have any say over how you and your children interact with your husband's child in YOUR own home. If he isn't prepared to take that bull straight by the horns and take absolutely no shit, then he goes, and he plays silly buggers with her from his flat. And you and your children won't be involved at all.

You and your kids come as a package. Don't agree for one instant to any sort of arrangement which has your children in it and cuts you out. I suggest you tell him right now that that ain't happening. Your children are going to be really affected by this and the last thing they need is for it also to represent a schism in their family - mum has nothing to do with this new baby sibling and never sees it? Yep that's really not going to fuck with their heads even more, not at all!

Time to address that one first. He wants to keep his marriage? Then he prioritises first, contact with the child, second, he prioritises you and his existing children as ONE FAMILY PACKAGE.

DNA test all they way I would not even talk to her until you know for sure also dobthat dates even match up yo the times they slept together

Thank you for your replies everyone. I don't really know what I expected when starting this thread but I really appreciate all your replies and help I have been a wreck today and I'm not entirely sure where it came from so truly appreciate your help.

I must sound so horrible here but I really was glad when she said she didn't want me around the child. I know that makes me sound like a monster but I think at the moment it's all still too raw. I love my dh so much and accept people make mistakes his a very permanent mistake at that. I honestly thought that I could do this but I am now having so many doubts. I just want to protect my children. Of course I in no way have hatred towards the child but I think I know deep down I will never care for the child in a way that, dare I say, a step parent should.

I think I know I need to step away from this at least for the time being and see what happens in the future. Maybe I'm still to emotional about it all and my love for him is really affecting me.

Also as others have said this is going to confuse your children massively unfortunately 💐