Page 8 | Could you accept a 'love child?'

Namechangeforthisone83 · 2021-01-30T15:58:28+00:00

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/01/2021 18:44

I don't think it was cheating, OP, and I don't think it's helpful at this state to get caught up in PPS and decide that it was - you knew about this when you took him back and were happy to.

i agree and im surprised- when op has stayed a number of times shes come to terms with this- posters are determined to re-hash it.

the problem is her husband is going to be father to another woman's child...its a horrible predicament.

SuperbGorgonzola · 30/01/2021 18:45

I couldnt forgive the irresponsibility of having unprotected sex with a woman he barely knew, especially when your relationship status was still unresolved and even more especially when he has the lives of his existing children to consider.

Sobeyondthehills · 30/01/2021 18:45

@MizMoonshine

I think I could. But I would need a solid plan of action and ground rules.

First things first. DNA test. If they used a condom, get that established.

Baby isn't his? Move forward rebuilding your relationship.

Baby is Hubby's? Right. Court for official visitation rights. She can't stop him from having visitation and overnight stays if the court grants it, which they likely will as it's in the child's best interests to have a father.
CMS. Make the arrangements for regular payments through CMS rather than doing so privately so there's a good record of it.
She and your husband need to have everything sorted officially and legally so that there's no reason for him and her to interact.
There will be no need for her dislike of you to disturb your life at all. I'd advise going through a family member for contact and pick up/drop offs.

The important thing is your family. How are your children? How are you explaining this to them?

Very much this, for the legal arrangements, if its his, straight to court, name on the birth certificate and it set in stone for visitations. And proof for CMS,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:46

@gypsywater

She blatantly got pregnant deliberately. I dont think it's a deal breaker but make sure he does get a DNA test just in case.

How on earth can you possibly think you know that?!

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 18:46

@Helmetbymidnight

I don't think it was cheating, OP, and I don't think it's helpful at this state to get caught up in PPS and decide that it was - you knew about this when you took him back and were happy to.

i agree and im surprised- when op has stayed a number of times shes come to terms with this- posters are determined to re-hash it.

the problem is her husband is going to be father to another woman's child...its a horrible predicament.

Yes, but that's the bit she wants help on.

Not whether or not she should have took him back.

I don't think this thread is going to be helpful to OP one bit.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/01/2021 18:47

Hi @Namechangeforthisone83 I've had a similar albeit different situation with my DH. Before we got married we had a casual, on/off relationship for a good while as I wasn't keen to blend due to drama from his DDs mum. Eventually we decided to go for it and got married, and I got pregnant with our DD2. We then found out by chance when I was very heavily pregnant that he had fathered a son with a ONS who was nearly 3. The mum had had no way to track him down until she found him on SM through a mutual friend.

I know its different as there was no cheating involved but it was still a horrible shock and was really upsetting that early on in our marriage and just having DD. We'd worked very hard to blend our families, done everything right then it was like an absolute bomb going off in our lives and I think we all struggled with it.

BUT, 2 years down the line we wouldn't be without him, hes a little sweetheart and DD adores him. His mum is very different to me in the way she parents but shes no trouble really and I think that makes all the difference. I'll be honest, I thought I would find it very hard to feel any connection to him when I first found out, but hes so bloody gorgeous, you couldn't not love him.

Hope that helps in some way and good luck because it all sounds really hard

AIMD · 30/01/2021 18:47

No I just couldn’t do it.
It would be way to painful and I wouldn’t be prepared to do it.

This woman and their child are going to be in your life to some extent forever now (I’m presuming the children will have a relationship with each other even if you break up). To have that at arms length is one thing but to be in the thick of it, still in a relationship with him, now.

I think it’s great you don’t blame the child, who is obviously an innocent in this all. However how’s it going to feel when he has the child for a day/night at yours? I just couldn’t do it.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 18:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn cause shes a nasty awful home wrecking cow who slept with a man who we have no idea what he told her (even the truth doesn't mean she did anything wrong) and OP needs to go against everything she's decided so far from her husband's mouth because wE kNow BetTer.

Friendless00 · 30/01/2021 18:48

No I couldn’t.
I’d want to say I could but I couldn’t. The child, through no fault of their own, would be a constant reminder of what he’d done on your ‘break’.
I’d also feel paranoid every time he went to visit his child and I think that would cause no end of resentment.

Covidcorvid · 30/01/2021 18:49

She doesn’t want you round the child? So how is he going to see the kid? Cosy visits round at hers? Taking him away from you and his other kids?

Fuck that! I wouldn’t want to be around the kid. But nor would I want my dh trotting off to see the kid. She will be making a play for him the whole time. It’ll fuck your family time up.

I know this won’t be a popular opinion but personally I’d give him an ultimatum....he has nothing to do with the child apart from paying what he needs to or it’s divorce time. He can choose who he wants to be with. You and his two older kids or her and the baby.

oakleaffy · 30/01/2021 18:49

@Namechangeforthisone83

She's 31! But I believe her parents are/we're quite strict.

Thirty One and still living at home??

She sounds desperately immature, and bloody cheeky, contacting your husband's family..

I bet they are horrified.

She does not sound emotionally stable, and has ''Trouble'' written through her like a stick of Brighton Rock.

She could have lied and said she was on the pill.

Best case scenario it won't be your husband's child.

Happymum12345 · 30/01/2021 18:49

I couldn't cope with this at all. If you can, you're a better woman than most people.

SaltyTootsieToes · 30/01/2021 18:50

I really feel for you op

He cheated on you and you’re currently having to put up with the OW harassing you

You didn’t ask for this love child, the love child wasn’t in the picture when you married your DH of built your life with him snd your children.

While it’s true that your D.C. and this love child have a right to know about one another, that doesn’t mean there’s a right in there somewhere that you have to take this child in or have a relationship with the child nor the child’s mother, not in the maintenance of this child. This child, as innocent as they are, has been (or will be) thrust upon you.

No one has any right or moral high ground to say that you must do anything regarding this child. Anything you choose to do is up to you. This mess is not of your making.

addicted2spaniels · 30/01/2021 18:50

No, I wouldn't and couldn't accept this.

And being honest, he's treating you both like shit.

He's no "prize" for either of you to win, is he............

catscatscatseverywhere · 30/01/2021 18:50

What? OMG, sounds like a nightmare. Why did he do it? Break doesn't mean divorce and having a child with another woman. It just means to spend some time apart to think about stuff. I feel really sorry for you, honestly.

Sunsun21 · 30/01/2021 18:53

Rather than be humiliated why not hold your head high for doing the right thing by all the children concerned . You should have the upper hand. Whether you choose to stay married to him is another story but you can accept the child into your life.

Teensandfuture · 30/01/2021 18:54

katy123
I can't believe what just heard. He to have no contact with his child because he needs to prioritise his relationship with his wife and prioritise his family happiness.
Absolutely wile disgusting thing to say. Any adult, regardless of his relationship status, should prioritise all his children before relationship

HTH1 · 30/01/2021 18:55

I’m so sorry but I would walk away. Your relationship can never be the same again (and I would feel humiliated too but it’s all on him, not you)

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 18:55

OP, please consider whether you want to continue using this thread.

This is not going to end well and it is going to undo all of the amazing, hard work you have done.

lunar1 · 30/01/2021 18:56

I wouldn't accept the situation. I was a step child, I have always maintained that I will never bring any kind of step/blended family into my children's lives.

Their home with me will never be compromised by the demands of another adult if DH and I were to separate.

Obviously I have no control over what he would do but I wouldn't risk inflicting my childhood on anyone.

She doesn't want you involved with the baby, contact is going to be at her house with her family, he may end up taking your children there. It's going to feel like shit and you we've made out to be the bad guy as she's a new mum.....

Don't let them out you in this situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:56

[quote RootyT00t]@youvegottenminuteslynn cause shes a nasty awful home wrecking cow who slept with a man who we have no idea what he told her (even the truth doesn't mean she did anything wrong) and OP needs to go against everything she's decided so far from her husband's mouth because wE kNow BetTer.[/quote]
Women, eh? Nothing but trouble the lot of us! It's misogyny bingo in this thread - home wrecker / bunny boiler etc. How depressing.

CakeRequired · 30/01/2021 18:56

@Covidcorvid

She doesn’t want you round the child? So how is he going to see the kid? Cosy visits round at hers? Taking him away from you and his other kids?

Fuck that! I wouldn’t want to be around the kid. But nor would I want my dh trotting off to see the kid. She will be making a play for him the whole time. It’ll fuck your family time up.

I know this won’t be a popular opinion but personally I’d give him an ultimatum....he has nothing to do with the child apart from paying what he needs to or it’s divorce time. He can choose who he wants to be with. You and his two older kids or her and the baby.

That just makes you look cruel. Why would you even want to be with a man who can give up one of his kids? I certainly couldn't. I just wouldn't be with him, he'd be single or go be with her, but he certainly wouldn't get me. He's no prize anyway, he got another woman knocked up, potentially. A married man who loves his wife doesn't go shagging other people.

BigPlanes · 30/01/2021 19:00

Is she definitely pregnant? Have you got proof that she is?

toocold54 · 30/01/2021 19:01

She blatantly got pregnant deliberately. I dont think it's a deal breaker but make sure he does get a DNA test just in case.

In what way do you think she got pregnant deliberately?

Why is it that when a female gets pregnant it’s always their fault (never the mans) and it’s to “trap” the man. It takes two to have sex.
Maybe the DH got her pregnant on purpose then.

They had sex (apparently protected) and got pregnant - it happens.

Aspiringmatriarch · 30/01/2021 19:02

@lunar1

I wouldn't accept the situation. I was a step child, I have always maintained that I will never bring any kind of step/blended family into my children's lives.

Their home with me will never be compromised by the demands of another adult if DH and I were to separate.

Obviously I have no control over what he would do but I wouldn't risk inflicting my childhood on anyone.

She doesn't want you involved with the baby, contact is going to be at her house with her family, he may end up taking your children there. It's going to feel like shit and you we've made out to be the bad guy as she's a new mum.....

Don't let them out you in this situation.

But Lunar, she is having the baby regardless, who will be a half sibling to OP's children. At some point there will be contact between them, assuming OP's husband steps up and is involved in his child's life. So isn't it better to be prepared for all the permutations of that and make a plan that will minimise distress for OP and her children? Regardless of whether they stay together I mean. But if they do split up, OP won't have any say in things like them going over to her house for contact time with their dad, if that was the arrangement.