Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

You don’t deserve that, your children don’t deserve that. Please, please just leave. He may say he loves you but he doesn’t mean it, I always tell myself that ‘actions speak louder than words’ and he went and was willing to risk his whole family, his children, for a shag, that tells you all you need to know about your husband I’m afraid.

I wish you luck and strength OP. This is by far my greatest fear.

Take some time OP, it's a huge shock and it's natural to be too overwhelming to make a clear decision on at the moment. Please though make sure you really consider what you want. As much as you love your DH and there's every chance you can be happy together, it is important to remember that things will be different, forever, and unfortunately there's no changing that. Do consider the reality, and although it's hard be really honest with yourself, only you know what is best for you and your family

As you were not together per se at the time, I personally don't see it as cheating (though it's a very fine line) - but I accept that I'm in the minority on that.
As to how you move forward - goodness OP, I am at a loss. It depends on how you feel about each other, about the relationship, how strong the relationship is. I wouldn't stay together 'for the sake of your kids', if you aren't happy this will show.
If you are strong together, it could work. He made a massive, ridiculous mistake, yes. Only you know whether you can accept this OP, or whether it means the end of the relationship.

He might not be able to have contact with the child at his home straight away. What if the mother is breastfeeding? He might have to spend a year round at hers.

OP you must remember to prioritise yourself in all this. You husband, this woman, their child....none of it is more important than you and never should be. Don’t accept anything less or you will lose yourself.

I would struggle

But

Its his child she doesn't get to say he is never having the child overnight she doesn't get to say she can't meet you his WIFE

I know this scenario she says no you can only see the child while I'm around in my home just the two of us and it will tear you apart them playing happy family together you will react and split anyway

You have options
DNA test he says he uses protection she might have tried to trap him you never know it happens
Supervisor, trusted by you to be around them when he sees the baby
Court order setting out the terms of contact in writing everyone knows where they stand no emotion needed

I still wouldn't trust him and I would DEFINITELY not trust THEM

You need proper facts

Paternity test

If it’s his - you need to make a decision to stay or leave

If you chose to stay then you need a court order for access - she has no right to dictate reheat happens on his time with the child

Once of get things going you’ll fell more in control

No. No. And no again. 18 years at least of that shit to put up with
And she’s already saying you can’t be round the child etc etc
It’s only gonna get worse I’m afraid
Run now!!!

It sounds a good idea to step away for a while and consider your own needs OP. I didn't mention it in my other comments but I am very sorry that you're going through this, such an awful situation. Please don't feel like you need to love this child though - it isn't yours. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with it (you've already said that you carry no ill feelings for the child which is the only thing that would have caused issues). I wish you the best whatever you decide and hope you and your children are doing ok.

Accept the kids as it will be related to yours and you can't change that

Ditch the husband

Ditch
The
Husband

OP I have been in an extremely similar situation, and if you’d of asked me before being in said situation I’d of had a very different response to the one now and the one I may of given a year ago.
I think ultimately it will depend on you, no amount of friends family etc can make the decision for you but I would just take all of the advice and opinions on board, take your time and make sure you have space to work through this and make your decision, you’re in control of what happens next, it may not feel like it at times.
Counselling has and does help me too x

I’m so sorry OP what a terrible situation to be in.
Echo other posters who say to take your time. It may become obvious once baby is born what you want / need to do. Take it a step at a time.
Natural of course - perhaps try not to spend too much focus on her - her actions - her behaviours?
It’s just noise and doesn’t change the fundamentals of this.
Very best of luck to you.
Personally .... I would not and could not stay.

Namechanged, you do not sound horrible at all. Anyone in your position would feel upset about it. However, if you do love each other and want to make your marriage work you'll have to come to terms with it somehow.

Very best of luck to you all.

In short, no.
No I absolutely couldn't.

So sorry your DH (dickhead husband) has done this to your and your children.

Bless you OP. No I couldn't stay with him even though I don't think he's done anything particularly wrong except been careless.

Yeah, I'm sorry it just doesn't add up.
When exactly within the 3 months seperation did he decide to start dating? A one night stand in that situation is one thing but he made a decision to start actively dating other people.
Within a couple of weeks of getting back together she told him she was pregnant? How far along was she at that point?
He didn't know her from Adam, but within 3 dates, she has his mother and aunts contact details?
Messages can de deleted from a conversation so the fact that you've seen messages is neither here nor there.
As I said it just doesn't add up.

I'm going against the grain. I'd stay.

Your husband is such a cunt for doing this to your family.

No I couldn’t accept this.

This woman will always be a part of your life. Forever.

A love child from the past, yes....but not a present one. The relationship would be over for me.

Maybe I've missed something though, haven't rtft.

If he went in 3 dates with her how the has she got his mums number and the details for his aunts brother?! To be contacting them?

If you would be willing to forgive the affair then I think it only fair to accept the child as long as it is his. I would push for proper 50/50 contact though and not dance to her tune of you not being involved.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, too, never mind the cost to everyone else. Nope, doesn't work that way. I couldn't get over this whole ridiculous 'break' meant to him go and pull. And his story, I know you want to believe him, but it doesn't add up, honestly.

Ohhhh OP this is awful. I’m not at all a jealous person and would forgive my husband in this scenario. It’s easy to say you’d leave but I love him dearly and I know I would probably forgive him cheating if there was a brief split/ break or whatever. However, the child is another issue. The problem is all the drama is brings! The idea of him visiting her and baby at her place is ridiculous - sorry but I wouldn’t be having that. He needs to see his baby but not her. Why can’t he take the baby out for a stroll for an hour or so while she has a nap/ relax? My husband used to do that with ours all the time. I’d not be ok with him bonding with her over shared experiences with their baby.

No, I couldn't.

In fact, I have played this scenario in my head a few times. DH and I have had many ups and downs. About 17 years ago he had what I call an emotional affair. I didn't know it back then, but I know it now from educating myself on here. He went away on a business trip and stayed in contact with a work colleague over there until I found out about it and hit the f*cking roof. We broke up for about 6 weeks, still in the same house.

My crazy mind often wanders to perhaps it was an affair and what if one day some child comes looking for him.

What I do know is that I will never put up with that shit again. He humiliated me once, he won't be allowed to do it again. If I ever hear about an affair, or if I ever sniff an emotional affair again he'll be out on his arse. Never mind a love child. Definitely NOT.

He has got everyone running around after him hasn't he. Two women with his babies/ children fighting over him. His mum and his aunty getting involved and poor, poor him having to go to the doctor as it is all too much for him. What a virile man. I bet he thinks he has a golden cock.

What your ex has done is split from you, shagged around thinking whay hey, I'm single, without a thought or without grief for his 9-year marriage and his 2 DC. How many other women did he shag during these 3 months? Just the one love child?

I would send him and his golden cock packing.