Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

My eldest is a one night stand, condom came off and he didn't realise. I then took the MAP and it didn't work 🤦🏼‍♀️

My 3 DC with DH - all conceived straight away the first despite using contraception. Some people are just very fertile.

@Namechangeforthisone83

He says they used a condom whether they did or didn't I don't know but unfortunately it is now the case.

I am not concerned about him wanting to be with her he made it very clear that he didn't want to be with her I think in some way she thought keeping it would make him want to be with her as she did agree at first they were selfish by keeping it I don't know it's all just a mess.

I think I'm scared to be without him not because I need him as such. We have worked so hard on our marriage and dc and our future plans etc its just all gone to shit. I know I would be devasted if we were to split but I also am starting to struggle with this now and wonder if I'll just always feel this deep hurt and pain.

Re condom..

There was a case on Radio 4 years back..
Single chap dated women..He was desperate not to be ''caught'' with a child.
Bought and kept his own condoms safely, put them on himself.

A year or so later, he was contacted by a woman saying he was a ''Dad'' and to pay up.

He asked for a DNA test.

Child was his.

It went to court, she admitted to syringing the contents of condom into herself when ''time was right'' , while he was in the bathroom.

He had to pay, despite the court knowing this.

Men need to use a strongly spermicidal condom, and dispose of it where the contents can't be used for A.I.

@Namechangeforthisone83, I am so sorry.
She sounds ghastly, and I understand you being crushed by it.

Heck, being tied to a bunny boiler for the next 18 years?? ...Nightmare.

It doesn't sound like love is clouding your views OP. You sound like you've made your feelings clear to your DH, he's rightly has his backside kicked by his family too and you've made a decision to rebuild your marriage.

It sounds like this woman is likely to be a drama llama who would happily try to use the child as a weapon so your husband needs to ensure everything is done by the book. DNA test to start with, if the child is his then he needs to go for legally arranged access and set up maintenance through CMS. It would also be good for him to have a savings pot for his child that he pays into over time so the child is fairly treated even if their mother chooses to be crazy. Any time she tries to withhold contact or interfere with his relationship with his child, it needs logging. If she is as obsessed with creating drama as it seems, she's probably likely to engage in some forms of parental alienation and then spin a line about how awful he is. Your husband needs to keep the high ground and do all he can so that should the relationship break down, he can prove to his child later that he had done everything he could.

You and your husband can't control this woman, but you can get your boundaries in place and he can make sure everything is in order.

So basically you are allowing your children to think this kind of behaviour is ok .the children will be her when they are old enough to understand

Are you sure it’s his kid? I would want a dna test.

However I can’t see how this would ever work op. I’m so sorry.

He snagged her and will have told her he was separated.

I don’t think that bit was wrong.

Pregnant and baby isn’t what I’d call sensible, but it’s here and it is what it is.

Personally, no I wouldn’t be with him. But that’s more to do with the fact that I wouldn’t be “taking a break” - if I split it’s a split.

I’m sorry for you and the other lady in this scenario. Not at all sorry for your husband.

Good luck whatever you decide.

*shagged

She has messaged his family, his mother his aunts brother. She definitely wants him back and is doing all she can to 'get in' on his family telling them before he even had the chance to process anything I would even go as far as to say playing the victim

Well she is a victim, one of several.

She did nothing wrong. She was single dating a single man and she used contraception. Then when she discovered she was pregnant, he dumped her and her family disowned her. Of course she was desperate - was pregnant in a pandemic with no family support. I’m glad to hear that they have now reconciled.

What she has and will go through doesn't take away from your pain of course OP. You are both victims of his major fuck up, as are your two children and his unborn child.

Have you talked to him about how it might work if you stay togthee @Namechangeforthisone83?

Obviously he will need spend time with her at her home, after baby is here. I believe little and often is recommended for babies - so perhaps and hour or so 4-5 times a week.

Then time at his / your house as baby gets older, working up to overnights when child is a toddler.

What about child support ? Do you have spare bedroom or will they have to share with your children?

Once child is older, is your husband going part time to care for his child when they are at your / his home ? Or can he rearrange his work into compressed hours ?

How will that impact on you and your children ?

How will they cope with their half sibling living with them half the week ?

I know you don’t want to think about all this right now. But you need to, so you can make an informed decision about what life will be like if you stay with him.

@toocold54

They was not in a relationship she was never his gf ever. They had 3 dates and slept together twice.

You said she is doing anything to get him back - this sounds like a relationship to me and she very much thought they were together. He is obviously going to play it down to you to protect your feelings more.

She is a victim in this situation. The only one who has done anything wrong is your DP and if you do decide to finish it then he’ll have to live with the fact it was his fault.

Lots of people could continue in this relationship but your responses being annoyed/blaming the gf means that you can’t deal with him being involved with her so much still - I couldn’t either.

I don’t agree that she is the victim here . She had a very brief relationship with a married man with two very young children, when he was on a recent and unresolved break. That is not at all the same as meeting a man who is for instance half way through the divorce process and has been separated for some time. Also condoms are very reliable. If he did use one then he definitely needs a dna test. Well he needs a dna test whatever, as he barely knows this woman.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I wouldn't let this woman destroy your marriage

Burn the witch eh?

Bloody women shagging men who told them they were single when they'd been on a break with their wife for a few weeks.

Misogyny. Alive and well.

Truly!!

I’m wondering what your husband said to her for her to say She believes that I 'stole him from her?!!!' That does not sound like someone he slept with twice and that was all.

If you stay with him this woman will be in your life forever, the question you need to ask yourself is whether you can accept that?

Another question: if the roles were reversed and you were pregnant with another man's child do you think your husband would stay?

And please don't let sympathy for your husband affect your decision OP, this is entirely his doing and you should only be focused on your own mental health/wellbeing.

It took me a long time until I no longer felt threatened by her. She was so manipulative and a really nasty piece of work. Up until when he died there was still a part of me that wondered if he would rather have been with her, and it was only afterwards that I finally felt free of her.

I think this would be the issue with me.
Both your DP and the women were single and did nothing wrong - but could you ever get over that anger/jealousy toward the women or worry that when he’s there at the parents evening with her he’s going to get feelings for her.

Also conforms aren’t 100% so your DP could be telling the truth and it just didn’t work/they didn’t put it on quick enough.
I agree that a paternity test should be done but I wouldn’t fixate on this at you may get your hopes up that it’s not his.
Plan for it to be his.

Is he back living with you?

FFS! He couldn’t even keep it in his pants for 3 months, and decided to have risky sex with someone else while you were supposed to be thinking about your marriage.

Sorry this would be a deal breaker for me. I could never accept the betrayal, let alone have my nose rubbed in it weekly

I don’t agree that she is the victim here . She had a very brief relationship with a married man with two very young children, when he was on a recent and unresolved break. That is not at all the same as meeting a man who is for instance half way through the divorce process and has been separated for some time.

But we don’t know what the DP said to her. There’s plenty of threads on here that are about married men who are still in the relationship but make out they’re separated.

I’m sure she didn’t plan to get pregnant and become a signal parent especially as she was at risk of being disowned by her family. And it doesn’t sound like DP has been very supportive so I would definitely say she is a victim of this.

Was it really a 'break'?

Several times now, you said that you had 'split.' If you had split up, then he really didn't cheat. Maybe he exercised bad judgment, but this sounds like a couple months after splitting up with his wife, he went on a couple dates. Perhaps fast, but not immoral.

Whether you want to deal with the complications this provokes is one thing. But if you split up and then got back together (rather than, say, deciding between you that you wanted to live apart for a couple months to have some space and work on your marriage), then it's not cheating.

She had a very brief relationship with a married man with two very young children, when he was on a recent and unresolved break. That is not at all the same as meeting a man who is for instance half way through the divorce process and has been separated for some time.

You genuinely think he went over all that with her before they shagged? God it really is always the woman's fault isn't it! As I said, burn the witch.

To add: for the child's sake you would need to attempt to have a civil relationship with this woman and stop harbouring any animosity towards her. Is that something you are able to do? Your husband would have to put his child's needs before yours always which could mean a lot of bending to this woman's will in order for him to sustain a relationship with his child.

I personally couldn't do it. So much drama, your husband seems to be wallowing in self pity instead of owning his decisions and supporting you, the real injured party here. What provisions has he made for his child? Has he contributed financially to all the things it will need? Has he sorted out a schedule for visiting? Have they decided whether he will be present when the baby is born? Will he be staying with the mother for a while to help with caring for his baby in the early days? I hope for his child's sake that he has made necessary provisions.

I will guarantee he told her he was separated.

And he didn’t say just a break we are planning to reconcile and I have two kids and my wife is lovely and and and

I don't think it was cheating, OP, and I don't think it's helpful at this state to get caught up in PPS and decide that it was - you knew about this when you took him back and were happy to.

The child is a completely different matter.

She blatantly got pregnant deliberately. I dont think it's a deal breaker but make sure he does get a DNA test just in case.

I think this would be difficult to accept TBH! Was he "on a break" and met her ,or did he go on the break for her I wonder?I would need to get to the bottom of this . I think it would be very difficult to accept TBH!

@gypsywater

She blatantly got pregnant deliberately. I dont think it's a deal breaker but make sure he does get a DNA test just in case.

There is absolutely no way in the world of knowing that.

Jesus christ.

OP is asking for help about the situation with the baby.

Posts of he cheated, she got pregnant on purpose, he was cheating all along, the break was because of her, she wrecked your marriage etc etc etc

Who is this helping? Not OP, anyway.