Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

So he admited he slept with some one before you got back together

How long was it before she contacted him to say she was preg

Yes condoms do not work 100% - what did he do with the condom. You do hear of woman taking the sperm and syringing

Why did you /he do the dna earlier / can be done while
Preg for about £1k

OP I also agree with Zoollinmyfridge and Trickyboy

Some other things to think about. You and your DH have worked very hard to come back together. Emotions are bound to be very high at the moment as the baby is due in a few weeks but eventually a routine will be established and everyone will adjust to the situation. I am by no means saying this will happen quickly or it will be easy or straightforward. Of course, it won't be it is heartbreaking situation.

However, you clearly love your DH and he has been open with you about everything and you have got back together under these incredibly difficult circumstances. If you walk away now are you going to be more heartbroken because you have split up? Or is it better if you can try and get through the next few months and see if the situation settles down and a routine is established?

I do definitely think it would help you if you could lay down a few conditions and not let the OW call the shots. If you and DH can present a united front and OW knows that DH discusses everything with you, it might help you build your family unit and move forward.

The baby is coming now and will always be in DH's life that isn't going to change but people do adjust and get used to living with situations. What seems very raw now, won't feel as raw a year down the line but if you have walked away from DH you might always regret it.

If a year down the line it isn't working then you should definitely walk away but you will be walking away knowing that you can't accept the situation. Walking away now, might down the line, leave you questioning if you did the right thing.

Also, yes definitely a paternity test too.

So sorry you are going through this

I think @Trickyboy has a valid point.

Any women thinking 3 dates, 2 shags constitutes a serious relationship is extremely delusional, to put it mildly particularly in the current dating world.

By contacting his family so quickly her aim was maximum devastation.

By deciding to have the baby, she has effectively taken herself out of the dating pool for the foreseeable future which is a huge decision to make.

It's hard to imagine what her thought process is.

Either way he certainly didn't do classy🙄.

You are far too good for him, but remember, you are a young woman.

You do not need to have your nose rubbed in his mess for the next 20 years.

Mind yourself

Does you husband want a relationship with the child?

If I was having time apart from my husband and he slept with another woman we'd be over and I'd be filing for divorce.

I guessing you didn't agree time apart would involve him putting his penis into another woman's vagina?;from the sound of it he's led her to believe it was more than it was and wasn't honest with her.

Can you and your children live with the stigma of people assuming your husband cheated and knocked another woman up.

Tbh if I was the OW I wouldn't be bringing a kid into this shitshow and would end the pregnancy.

If she has it then your right that it's not the kids fault but the child is always going to lose out here.

Your husband and the OW are a pair of idiots.

I hate the term " love child".
It implies children born within a marriage aren't made with love.
Daft.
It probably comes from a time when there were so many arranged marriages, lacking in love....

How long was it before she contacted him to say she was preg

Yes condoms do not work 100% - what did he do with the condom. You do hear of woman taking the sperm and syringing

Yes, maybe she popped the condom in her freezer in case he went back to his ex-wife and then when he did she impregnated herself to try and ruin his life.

Or maybe a man who holds himself out as single and has sex with a near stranger shortly after a "temporary" separation from his wife is not entirely trustworthy.

How is she an "other woman" if he told her he was single and separated from his wife? I get that labelling her so helps the narrative of diverting blame to the woman, but how is that based in reality?

I don't see how these vengeful, ridiculous posts help the op cope with her situation.

I meant did she contact op hubby within a month of getting back together. as soon as she found out preg

Are the dates correct /match if saw any scan pics

@thenewduchessofhastings

If I was having time apart from my husband and he slept with another woman we'd be over and I'd be filing for divorce.

I guessing you didn't agree time apart would involve him putting his penis into another woman's vagina?;from the sound of it he's led her to believe it was more than it was and wasn't honest with her.

Can you and your children live with the stigma of people assuming your husband cheated and knocked another woman up.

Tbh if I was the OW I wouldn't be bringing a kid into this shitshow and would end the pregnancy.

If she has it then your right that it's not the kids fault but the child is always going to lose out here.

Your husband and the OW are a pair of idiots.

She is not an idiot just because she didn't have an abortion.

Don't be offensive.

@user13752257

How long was it before she contacted him to say she was preg

Yes condoms do not work 100% - what did he do with the condom. You do hear of woman taking the sperm and syringing

Yes, maybe she popped the condom in her freezer in case he went back to his ex-wife and then when he did she impregnated herself to try and ruin his life.

Or maybe a man who holds himself out as single and has sex with a near stranger shortly after a "temporary" separation from his wife is not entirely trustworthy.

How is she an "other woman" if he told her he was single and separated from his wife? I get that labelling her so helps the narrative of diverting blame to the woman, but how is that based in reality?

I don't see how these vengeful, ridiculous posts help the op cope with her situation.

Quite.

Ive been in your situation OP. Dont do it to yourself, it's really not worth the hurt, pain, stress and humiliation you will feel.

OP, first of all sorry that you are in this situation.

I just wanted to add a couple of things. First, you say this will crush your older child. Parents project so much onto their children. It won't crush your child if it doesn't crush you. When there's infidelity in a relationship it's extremely difficult not to project some of the feelings onto the children. But it's a horrendous life-long burden for a child to carry. I would try to deal with a lot of your own buried rage before it's projected onto your children.

Secondly, you mention a few times just how much you love your husband. I'm not doubting this. But it comes across (to me anyway) as a defence mechanism. You should be absolutely raging. You should hate him. You might hopefully be able to work through the rage, anger, hurt, and hatred but if you don't work through it now, it'll linger and fill you with resentment.

I feel so sorry for the child in this situation. Absolutely irregardless of the character of the other woman, your husband had a relationship with her and is as responsible as she is for the baby.

I would have absolutely zero respect for a man who does not treat this woman and his child with her with respect.

It's utterly shit that you are in this situation - the woman, devoted to her husband and kids, shafted yet again. It was ever thus. You need to rage.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd walk away. Kids with a strong inspiring role model of a mother who takes no shit from a bloke will thrive.

Take another break and see if he ends up playing happy families with her

I actually think that this is an excellent idea. Have you had an STI check OP?

I think it says alot about him that he just fucked off and had unprotected sex (it was unprotected I think you know this) as soon as possible on a technicality.

Personally I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him, but if you don't want to split you're going to have to accept the child and any baggage that comes along with it I'm afraid.

@Namechangeforthisone83

It sounds like you all need to know for 100% certain by a DNA test if it is his child as the results of that affect your lives. This would be my absolute priority to find out if you think there is any chance of you having a relationship and I personally wouldn't make definite decisions without this knowledge but you might be prepared to make those decisions without this which might mean that deep down you are done with the relationship

@RootyT00t

Is right. It doesn’t make the other woman an idiot or even vengeful.

There are so many variables that the posters on here, don’t know. Maybe even yourself.

He’s shown you the texts but they can be edited / deleted to skew the context.

Where did he stay during the three month break ?

Did you believe that you were taking a temporary break and neither would play away, or did you believe it was a permanent break ?

How long have you known about the pregnancy ?

Did he admit to sleeping with her before the pregnancy or after.

Did he minimise about the ‘ shag dates ‘ and she actually believed that they had a future together ?

If they were together for the best part of three months, and she did indeed believe they were in a serious relationship, then you can begin to understand her rationale.

You split up once, maybe she thinks if she waits it out, it’ll happen again........

Did he discuss and seek an understanding with you about seeing the baby / child !? Or did he just make the decision off his own bat ?

The thing that really is telling for me is that she contacted his family. She is either incredibly vicious and vengeful or she was incredibly hurt because of broken promises. Or it could be a combination of both......

Or it could be she genuinely wants your husbands parents to have the opportunity to be oh the child’s life.

If he is going to be in the child’s life, will he involve his parents ?

What are his and your parents point of view ?

My gut feeling is he hasn’t been completely honest with you because he wants to brush it off as a couple of nondescript shags......

Also, if she lived at home with really strict and moralistic parents, surely she wouldn’t put it out on the second date !?

Maybe it was a honey trap, but a number of things don’t seem to ring true, and your objectivity is clouded by your love for him.

I’d like to say, it is what it is, and you have to move forward with whatever your decision is.....

But I can’t help feeling more will come out in the wash in due course.

@nighttimetalk

Same kind of issue accept husband met his one night stand a month before he met me, found out 6 months into our relationship, by then we were madly in love. The woman's batshit crazy, seemed to think they were going to have a happily every after, wouldn't leave him alone or his family. Invited him to meet the child then revoked it and basically him and his son have no contact now, but she gets a nice healthy 450 maintenance a month through cms, doesn't know where they live or anything.

It's tested out relationship in some ways, the maintenance mainly... but it's also made us so strong. We are a unit and have each other's back, and he will have the most respect for you for being by his side. We all make mistake... just remember that. It was shit what he did. It remember he didn't go out his way to try and get someone pregnant, he had sex with someone on a break, and if no terms were set it is what it is. If you love him stand by him. You will get through it I promise you this. He needs to get a contact agreement in place, if this woman is as batshit as you say, it might be a good thing the child does have you in their life

Your situation sounds nothing like OPs given your partner wasn't even with you before he slept with someone else.

And it sounds like he has nothing to do with his child so can't see how much it could really be affecting your life on a day to day basis? (Other than perhaps losing respect for a man who doesn't actually see his child but sounds like you're more bothered he pays CMS?)

Yeah I believe there is more to all of this as well, I don’t believe your husband is being totally honest and you are giving him far too much credit in it all with how he’s come clean to you. Where were his thoughts towards you and your family when he was meeting this woman? He was quick to go with somebody else. I think if you were to speak to the other woman she would have a very different story to tell. She’s probably hurt, angry at your husband and worried about the future. It’s interesting she blames you for taking him away - I can’t help but think it works in his favour to turn you both against one another. She is having a baby with a man and extended family who won’t be present that often, essentially having a baby as a single parent. She isn’t really the one who has done wrong here (even with contacting his family members or being upset with you and your husband), it’s your husband who has.

I know @RootyT00t. One of my exceedingly rare reports.

@nighttimetalk

Same kind of issue accept husband met his one night stand a month before he met me, found out 6 months into our relationship, by then we were madly in love. The woman's batshit crazy, seemed to think they were going to have a happily every after, wouldn't leave him alone or his family. Invited him to meet the child then revoked it and basically him and his son have no contact now, but she gets a nice healthy 450 maintenance a month through cms, doesn't know where they live or anything.

It's tested out relationship in some ways, the maintenance mainly... but it's also made us so strong. We are a unit and have each other's back, and he will have the most respect for you for being by his side. We all make mistake... just remember that. It was shit what he did. It remember he didn't go out his way to try and get someone pregnant, he had sex with someone on a break, and if no terms were set it is what it is. If you love him stand by him. You will get through it I promise you this. He needs to get a contact agreement in place, if this woman is as batshit as you say, it might be a good thing the child does have you in their life

"It remember he didn't go out his way to try and get someone pregnant, he had sex with someone on a break," erhmmm if you have sex then the woman can get pregnant!!!!!!!!!

I still really feel for you in this op, you don’t deserve to be put through this but it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

You only have your DH word that this woman is crazy. I imagine that she could well be desperately upset and was not wanting an abortion. How come you seem anxious to paint her as you are doing? you do not know her (sadly your DH does.......................) I would remove her from your thoughts altogether, there will be a baby soon, you have to ask your Dh how he is going to handle it. So sorry for you though x