Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP all I can say is how sad this is, and that sometimes very difficult situations do change with time. As pps have said, it is possible for this situation, not uncommon after all, to work out. However I think for that to happen everyone needs to feel trusting and to behave in a decent and adult way, and in your situation it sounds as though the other woman might make this impossible.
You also don’t know the truth yet. It is highly unlikely that she got pregnant if he used a condom. The possibilities are that she deliberately got pregnant by emptying the condom, extreme and unlikely but possible. Or he has lied about the condom, which would make him an absolute idiot. Or the baby isn’t his. Or there was contraceptive failure.
I stand by what I said earlier that she isn’t a victim here, even if she believed him to be separated, or didn’t know he had little children. If you have sex with someone you don’t know and rely on only a condom, or worse don’t use one, then you must realise that person could have a whole other life that you don’t know about. This stands for your Dh too by the way. He didn’t know anything at all about her yet risked her getting pregnant, even though things between you both were uncertain and you have children. The children and you are the victims of two thoughtless people. They were both incredibly reckless- you know your DH and so perhaps know why he would be so careless . You don’t know the woman’s motivation at all. Perhaps she very much wanted a baby. Perhaps she is mentally unstable or vulnerable hence still living with her parents in her thirties. ( obviously not the only reason older people live with parents, just a possibility) Perhaps she is simply unlucky. The messages to his family do sound very strange though. Also her parents throwing her out, and then taking her in again, that sounds like a lie.
So your problem is not so much the child in this, but the mother. The child is going to be here whatever. So whether you stay with Dh or not, if the baby is his then your children will have another sibling who they will get to know. How this works out for all of you depends on how difficult the mother makes it, by the sound of things so far, as you seem prepared to at least try to make it work.
I thought the advice by pps on a structure for contact etc was sensible and helpful.

I don’t know how on earth I would cope in your place. Of course for all the children involved it is best if it is harmonious, so perhaps I would be able to focus on that , especially after meeting the child. I really don’t know if I could though. I think it would depend on how much drama came with it.

This is so hard @Namechangeforthisone83 and I really wish you lots of strength. I think it’s great to seek opinions on the internet, but the opinions from people who know you IRL will be invaluable here. They’ll know you as a couple, know what happened to cause the initial split, know your children. My personal opinion (without knowing you) is that it could be manageable, so long as there is a very formal agreement in place, and your DH communicates very, very openly with you. I think you absolutely need a paternity test. It strikes me that - you could be very handy as financial support etc, and a good ‘choice’ if this lady was sleeping with another person at around the same time. I’d think you need space and time before making major life changing decisions - particularly with the pandemic situation. I wish you lots and lots of luck xxxx

Dont let her breakup your marriage if you want it to continue. I dont think he cheated. I do think he was a fool. He needs to go full legal with this.

Good luck today OP.

Based on my friend's experience (posted upthread), I think you are doing the right thing.

And there is NO WAY he should be at the birth! That's ridiculous.

And a billion percent chaperone for all earlier visits to see child and then all further court arranged contact must be at your house. He needs to set very firm boundaries with this woman.

Not sure if it's been mentioned but have you had an sti screen? Maybe answer for sure if he did use protection.. (if you test positive for anything)..

Good points from DBML and UKt67

In a ‘ normal ‘ relationship dynamic, the woman has total control over giving birth, the man merely a view or opinion.

But in this situation, neither you nor your husband have any control over forthcoming events.

Whatever feelings the three of you have now, you, him and her, perspectives will change massively when the baby arrives.

If you decide to stay married, at some level, it will affect YOU and your children, massively, even if at the moment you don’t want to play apart in it.

I fear, if she’s batshit, as you infer, she will have more control over the dynamics than you think, if your husband is going to take a proactive role in the baby’s life.

You sound like a genuinely nice and empathic person, but when you hear that she’s given birth or your husband says ‘ I’m going to visit the baby ‘
from what you’ve said, you’ll be crushed, I would.

Sadly, there is no easy way forward, especially if the other woman has ulterior motives.

Just try and take things day by day.

Stay strong.

Op

We are all just strangers on an Internet forum giving opinions. Most people are genuinely concerned about you.

All that matters is your gut instinct.

I completely agree with Zoollinmyfridge .

This is MN and therefore whatever scenario you present on here with an issue involving a man and a woman... the woman will be the blameless victim and the man, someone who is one degree removed from the devil himself.

Personally, I would find someone willing to go through a pregnancy with a bloke they had slept with a couple of times - someone with an agenda. !

Either to have a baby at all costs (does she have children already ?) or someone looking for a 'good bet' in the shape of your DH and his income.
(Here I presume he earns well and she not so well ? )

Contacting the family - for me would be the biggest indicator of someone who had planned for a baby to bind her to your husband - and thought this would be the route in - when that backfired.

Would I be backing off in your situation? No way. Not if I wanted to make my marriage work. Her plan has been to make sure you two separate . I would not playing into this scheme.

I would also not be working myself into a frenzy about how your children feel about the situation. They will take their cues from you. Children of 9 & 6 have no understanding of the emotional angst involved in these situations - unless you express that angst to them. The baby isn't born yet. What's the betting that the baby's mother will not even allow visitation unless your DH agrees to her conditions - which will no doubt involve some kind of pretend 'happy families'.. visits to his family with the baby etc. ? As for allowing your DH to bring his child home - without her in tow.. I doubt it. Not without a court order. So if I were you I would start the conversation with your kids a few months after baby is born based on how the land is lying.

You need to make a decision. In or out. If you walk away then no one will blame you ..
BUT if you decide to stay ,you need to get off the back foot and start laying down the law of how things will be going forward.

No 1. DNA test. This has scam written all over it. Contrary to MN folklore, accidental pregnancy by someone using contraception correctly is extremely rare. What is not rare - is people lying for their own manipulations .

1. Visits . Regular and brief in a public place if child is breastfed. If not breastfed then baby handed over to father for regular contact. (Will probably need a CAO for this as will not happen voluntarily)

3 ALL communication to be via email that you also have access to. All communication to be baby related. Anything not baby related to be ignored. - effectively , if he wants your marriage to work and for you to stay he must agree to absolutely no ongoing relationship of any kind with the mother. Only the child.

If he can't agree to this then I would walk and leave him in the pile of shit of his own making.

OP I've read the thread and I really feel for you. It's tragic for you to even be placed in this situation.

I agree with you stepping back away from the shit show and just focus on yourself and your DC. I'd ask him to stay at his mum's for a while so you have time to think. I hope you have real-life support from your family and friends.

Oh yes - one more thing. No. No way should he be at the birth. ! This is not a gf he split up from. This was a casual fuck . His obligations to the mother are purely financial . They do not include handholding . That's the choice you make when you go ahead with a pregnancy that you know the other parent doesn't support.

The emotional support from your DH should be reserved for you, his children and the new baby (if it really is his)

I wouldn’t want anything to do with him after this.

Grief is rubbish, op, but it is survivable. You just have to keep faith you will come out the other side as you ride the waves of emotions.

Brilliant from @Trickyboy

I know a woman who was in your situation. She found out her DH was having an affair when the OW contacted her . She was still reeling from that when the OW announced she was pregnant.
Wife was desperate to save her marriage and her DH agreed so the decision was made that he sent a cheque every month ( it was a long time ago) but there would be no contact whatsoever.
The OW was determined to keep a relationship so moved to the next street but the baby’s Dad had no contact .
It all blew up a few years later when the OW’s DC started asking questions and his DM told him everything.
The DC of the marriage were devastated, the wife was devastated. The man decided he wanted contact . It was a mess .
Think carefully OP . Really feel for you .

No 1. DNA test. This has scam written all over it. Contrary to MN folklore, accidental pregnancy by someone using contraception correctly is extremely rare. What is not rare - is people lying for their own manipulations

Her DH seems very sure it's his which makes me think it's likely they didn't use contraception. OP said she has no way of knowing they did other than her DH saying so. I would call bullshit on his words on that. DNA test is an absolute either way.

The fact he likely had unprotected sex with someone (and definitely had sex with them, protected or not, more than once) just weeks after agreeing to a break would be it for me and I think once poor OP finds her anger this will help her feel that ending her relationship may in fact be best for all, as painful as that is.

@Trickyboy

I completely agree with Zoollinmyfridge .

This is MN and therefore whatever scenario you present on here with an issue involving a man and a woman... the woman will be the blameless victim and the man, someone who is one degree removed from the devil himself.

Personally, I would find someone willing to go through a pregnancy with a bloke they had slept with a couple of times - someone with an agenda. !

Either to have a baby at all costs (does she have children already ?) or someone looking for a 'good bet' in the shape of your DH and his income.
(Here I presume he earns well and she not so well ? )

Contacting the family - for me would be the biggest indicator of someone who had planned for a baby to bind her to your husband - and thought this would be the route in - when that backfired.

Would I be backing off in your situation? No way. Not if I wanted to make my marriage work. Her plan has been to make sure you two separate . I would not playing into this scheme.

I would also not be working myself into a frenzy about how your children feel about the situation. They will take their cues from you. Children of 9 & 6 have no understanding of the emotional angst involved in these situations - unless you express that angst to them. The baby isn't born yet. What's the betting that the baby's mother will not even allow visitation unless your DH agrees to her conditions - which will no doubt involve some kind of pretend 'happy families'.. visits to his family with the baby etc. ? As for allowing your DH to bring his child home - without her in tow.. I doubt it. Not without a court order. So if I were you I would start the conversation with your kids a few months after baby is born based on how the land is lying.

You need to make a decision. In or out. If you walk away then no one will blame you ..
BUT if you decide to stay ,you need to get off the back foot and start laying down the law of how things will be going forward.

No 1. DNA test. This has scam written all over it. Contrary to MN folklore, accidental pregnancy by someone using contraception correctly is extremely rare. What is not rare - is people lying for their own manipulations .

1. Visits . Regular and brief in a public place if child is breastfed. If not breastfed then baby handed over to father for regular contact. (Will probably need a CAO for this as will not happen voluntarily)

3 ALL communication to be via email that you also have access to. All communication to be baby related. Anything not baby related to be ignored. - effectively , if he wants your marriage to work and for you to stay he must agree to absolutely no ongoing relationship of any kind with the mother. Only the child.

If he can't agree to this then I would walk and leave him in the pile of shit of his own making.

Thank you so much for your reply. I would be lying if I said I didnt think she had an agenda. We are a few years younger than her my dh is 28 she is 31 but we do well and both earn a reasonable amount I do feel she kept the child even after they agreed on a termination purely because we got back together. But I do think for my own sake I need to step back at the moment. But you are extremely right about how I treat and tell my kids. Thank you for all your help I have taken it all on board should we think about making it work.

A woman realises she can't go ahead with a termination and that makes her some malicious scheming person with an agenda?

Give over.

I didn’t have a termination many years ago. I thought I could. I changed my mind.

And I didn’t behave particularly well when the father ran away and told me to fuck off he wanted nothing to do with me.

In case this hasn’t been mentioned before, get yourself checked fir STDs.

This isn’t completely up to the mother whether or not he sees his child.

As the putative father he has legal and moral rights to see the child and parent it and to financially support it, as soon as his legal rights are established.

And yes of course she has some say as to the circumstances when her baby is tiny - that’s in the baby’s best interest.

I’m horrified at the posters here who are suggesting that he can send a cheque and that’s it. This is an innocent child who deserves a father.

Some of you are going over the top judging this woman who did nothing wrong - she was single and had a sexual relationship with a single man . It’s not 1950 and I bet many of you judging her had sex before you were married. Or were you all virgins on your wedding night?

Or is she just a total bitch because she refused to abort when a man wanted her to? What a cow - not realising that once you have sex with a man he OWNS your body and has the right to tell you what to do. And that her child deserves to suffer for the rest of its life because she’s a disobedient woman.

The misogyny on this thread is frightening.

I agree it’s not the Ops job to facilitate her husband’s financial support and parenting of his child. But of course he has to do so - it’s not an option for any decent person.

It may not have been cheating in some posters eyes but I'd honestly be upset if having sex with a stranger was one of the first things my husband decided to do when we'd taken a 'break'. It wouldn't even be on my radar personally, I'd be far too preoccupied by the breakdown of my marriage and deciding what was best in that situation to bother dating and having sex with someone else. So whilst it may not technically be cheating, I'd still be hurt in the same way personally.

I couldn't do it OP. I really couldn't. Right now the baby is not 'real' in the sense that they aren't here yet. But to have an actual physical child, reminding me all the time of what had gone on, the likely drama that will ensue with their mother, having to be a 'step mother' to my husband's child (and this isn't the same as marrying someone who already had kids in the traditional step parent set up). It would be far too much for me. In all honesty, I would end up resenting the situation and the child's existence. I'm not a strong enough person not to let that eat away at me I don't think.

And I would be the same as you, I'd accept that my children will likely have contact with this child but I would not make it my job to facilitate it. My husband (would be ex husband personally) can do that. I would keep as far removed from the situation as humanly possible.

It all sounds incredibly painful and like you are only at the beginning of it. Devastating for you and your family, your husbands mistake has caused a permanent source of pain for you. I couldn’t do it and wouldn’t be able to forgive this. I think as much as you love your husband, you should end it because whatever you choose is going to cause you heartache. Maybe once you’ve split (don’t get divorced) over time (a few years) once you’ve healed you could get back together. I don’t see how you can heal and have this situation unfolding around you, there will be no peace from it. I would leave arrangements for the children meeting the baby to him and also leave it to him to explain the mess he has created! Same as you, I couldn’t love this child the way a step parent should, this shouldn’t have happened. It just isn’t the same as if you met somebody with a child from a previous relationship before getting together. 3 months apart didn’t give him the right to sleep about and test the water elsewhere and the child will be a constant reminder of his betrayal.

Sorry this is happening to you op. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. Hopefully this heartache can lessen over time for you.