Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

"I think for your marriage to work he may need to walk away from his love child (apart from paying maintenance)."

Perhaps, but that's then denying your DC the chance to have a relationship with their sibling. This isn't actually about you ana your husband but the child

Personally I think I'd need to split, but I would find a way to support my DC to know their new sibling

Your husband’s fling and the baby born of that is of no concern to your young children.

When they’re old enough to understand adult relationships you can let them know their birth dad had a child with another woman, and they can be free to choose whether they want to seek out a relationship with that child.

Depending on how you’ve brought them up, they will either be sympathetic and understanding of how you dealt with the situation, or resent you for life, it’s a risk you have to gamble with as part of the fallout of agreeing to let your husband have a hall pass.

You don’t take a break from a marriage to bed someone else to find out if you like your wife better. Your marriage was over as soon as he did that.

Completely disagree @Nenevalleykayaker, this child is their sibling so they should have a chance to have a sibling relationship with the baby and that should be facilitated from a young age!

@Namechangeforthisone83

I just don't know if I have the courage to walk away and break the family the kids are going to be so affected by this too.

It isn't you breaking the family. He did that when he fucked someone else while married to you and, even worse, got her pregnant.

Focus on you and your children. You'll never be happy now in this relationship, it's finished. You can't move past an affair (hard in any circumstances!) when there us a constant reminder of it forever.

I feel so, so sorry for that baby. It sounds like this woman is attempting to use the baby as a porn in a sick game.

Have no part in it. Walk away. Look after yourself and your DCs. X

I feel so, so sorry for that baby. It sounds like this woman is attempting to use the baby as a porn in a sick game.

You mean PAWN right 😳

@BlueThistles

I feel so, so sorry for that baby. It sounds like this woman is attempting to use the baby as a porn in a sick game.

You mean PAWN right 😳

Haha! Indeed. Queen's Gambit and all that. That type if PAWN. 😂😂

Did he tell you he slept with another woman before he told you she was pregnant? Or did he tell you BECAUSE she is pregnant? I think that's a very important question you need to ask yourself.

Only you can decide if your marriage can survive this OP. If you do stay together, the only person who should feel humiliated is him, everybody knowing he has a child with someone else whilst married to you with young kids, what an embarrassment x

I honestly don't think there are any questions you need to ask yourself. Unless you are set on 29 years of heartbreak, it's time to move on.

*20

29 was a bit random and specific.

If, in the scenario you mentioned in your OP, we had "a break" it would depend on whether it was a real "time apart to be single people" break, or "time to think". My DH sleeping around would be hard to get over, and the baby would simply be a constant reminder of that betrayal... it would make forgiveness very hard for me.

Even if this baby was a child that was conceived before our relationship that he only became aware of after the marriage, I couldn't help but struggle. It would be a complete change of "our life" together and it would undoubtedly cause some angry and bitterness. Really depends on the mother of the child too. Whether she's reasonable or difficult to work with.

I think a lot of your (understandable) anger and hurt comes from not even getting a chance to deal with it yourselves before the OW was involving friends and family. You were/are embarrassed and she's airing all this dirty laundry.

So, I think you need to compartmentalize this. Give yourself the time to adjust to this development. Don't rush your relationship with your husband. This baby coming will change things, for you, for your children, for your husband. He also needs this time to process how he feels and not do or say something that will cause more sadness and regret for him (like ignoring the child, alienating his wife, alienating his children). It's okay for him to be happy when he sees the baby (if it's his of course). He will feel guilt, he will start keeping secrets and not telling you about his feelings towards the baby if he thinks it will upset you.

TL:DR Take a step back. Reassess once the dust has settled.

I think this is a situation where you won't know if you can cope or not until the baby is actually here and a test has proved he is the father. I don't think I could continue with the marriage but to me it sounds like he is not being completely honest. I don't think I quite believe that a 31 year old would get pregnant from sleeping with someone only twice and with condoms.

No "three dates and sex twice" isn’t a serious relationship in my opinion either.
If this woman decided to have a child with someone and expect them to play happy families after then . More fool her, it was her decision to keep the baby, she now faces the consequences of that decision. Taking you and your children out of the equation entirely, I don’t think many men would think ‘yippee, your pregnant! sounds great’. They don’t even know each other for God sake.

Your children also don’t have to have any kind of relationship with the other child. The OW doesn’t seem to want you to have contact with her baby, so how’s that ever going to take place in any case.

You’ve had counselling and want to stay together, your issue is the new baby. I think perhaps if you found counselling helpful the first time, then you should both go back for more. His only real obligation is paying maintenance, no one can force him to engage with a child he doesn’t want. That’s his decision to make and no one else’s.

I’d be happy she wasn’t planning on letting me close to the baby for overnight stays either. Though I’d be prepared for her to change her mind on that once the baby is here and she wants to start dating or socialising again. You need to set boundaries now. If you love each other I wouldn’t let this OW destroy your family. I sincerely hope she is having the baby because she desperately wants one and not because she wants your husband/destroy your family.

How on earth does she have the tel numbers for his family and why is she involving them that part sounds very odd.

Why would she want to "cope" though? Why should she? She might as well go and have "doormat" tatooed on her head.

OP this will never be a healthy relationship again now. How could you ever trust him? It's time to finish it, i know it's hard but sometimes that's the only way forward. For your sake and your DCs, exit this situation and don't entangle them or you in this any further.

@Watchingbehindmyhands

You have 2 choices

• continue in your marriage and accept the child and any resulting drama
• leave

If you are going to go with the first then frankly, you need counselling both separately and together. You need to be on the same page and you need to be sure you are working towards the same thing. I wouldn’t accept any less - he needs to commit to your marriage. Joint counselling will support decision making and if it is the case you decide to walk away, you will both be able to do it more appreciation and understanding of what happened and why. Don’t make this easy for him. He needs to work at it.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position OP, it must be devastating. The emotional strain you are under would be enormous and counselling is definitely needed, both marriage and individual counselling. This next suggestion is meant well. If you have decided to remain married right now is the time to get your husband to agree to put a fence around the assets you and your husband have built so far. You can still stay married, but him willingly agreeing all assets are yours would show how serious he is about your marriage. You may decide at some later time to divorce anyway, but at least your finances will be stable and assets so far would be excluded from any future divorce settlement. Best wishes with whichever choice you make.

That financial agreement to ring fence assets would have to be the usual property settlement normally done alongside a divorce. And done within family law rules.

Gosh your husband got over his 8 year marriage fast. Dating, shagging, making babies within weeks. If only he had been as deeply in love with you as you are with him.

If it was me I would need to step back for a bit and let them figure out how they're going to parent this baby together apart. This is not your burden to bear. You shouldn't being taking on any of this stress.

I’m quite a tolerant person and technically you were on a break but he’s ruined everything really hasn’t he. It’s all fucked up. First of all there needs to be a paternity test. I wouldn’t decide anything until I saw proof. I’d also be taking time to decide. Would he stick by you if you’d gone out and got pregnant by another guy? You know the answers no really. I’m just not sure I could get past the fact he had unprotected sex multiple times with a stranger. People do stupid things when drunk etc but he went back for more goes. This is a real toughie and he really has fucked everything up. Your kids are now impacted by this. I think the relationship would be too soured. I’m not sure I could get past it.

How so many women here call that woman expecting the child a victim or defend her? I am not arguing it is her decision what to do with the child, but she is behaving like a psychopath. She got pregnant after 3 dates with a man. He told her he is married and reconciling with his wife. What she decided to do? Of course, she went to his family members who she never met, quite early in pregnancy if I understand correctly and pestered them online. This is all after 3 dates. And yes, the insistance on having a child with a man who doesn't want it, who she hardly knows is selfish. I am not saying she should have necessary considered the impact on the wife and the existing children, but it is a factor.
Even if he lied to her on these 3 dates that he is free and there is no wife it doesn't matter. She knew full well he is married and is not going to be with her very early on as he got back to his wife and she started stalking his relatives online.
OP obviously doesn't say, but there are only 3 explanations for this behaviour :

1. she is mentally unwell
2. she is getting older and very desperate to have a child with anyone and got pregnant deliberately 3)OP's husband is very rich and she is after money Anyway, OP, best of luck. And patience. If it was me I would wait until the baby is born, DNA testing is done and then assess how I feel.

I honestly think I'm going to just take a step back and see what happens. He has expressed no interest in her at all and has maintained this the entire time and made it clear to her as well. It will be hard being 'on the outside' etc but I think I need to detach from the situation in order to think logistics of it all.

My primary concern is my children they come before everything. Again thank you all for your replies.

Never.

Honestly for me, it would entirely depend on my DHs treatment of me once that baby was born.

@YukoandHiro

"I think for your marriage to work he may need to walk away from his love child (apart from paying maintenance)."

Perhaps, but that's then denying your DC the chance to have a relationship with their sibling. This isn't actually about you ana your husband but the child

Personally I think I'd need to split, but I would find a way to support my DC to know their new sibling

Tbh, most people don't give a fuck. Especially if they have other sibilings they're growing up with. There are threads at least once a month where the poster found out they had a long lost sibiling and should they meet them, and the vast majority think it's a bad idea.

I don't know why people are framing it as if it's in op's children's best interest. It really is not. A sibiling is rarely beneficial to a child. In the wild, another mouth to feed is just another person taking vital resources away from you. That's why so many animals kill their sibilings.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. Can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be.

Can I just ask, where are your kids in all this? How old are they and do they know they’re having a brother/sister?? How are you going to explain what’s going on to them when baby is born, when your husband has visits? It seems so overwhelming!

My DP’s dad did the same. He never told his wife or my DP about the other child until DP was 22. It’s so messed up!

@DoodleLovin

So sorry you’re going through this OP. Can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be.

Can I just ask, where are your kids in all this? How old are they and do they know they’re having a brother/sister?? How are you going to explain what’s going on to them when baby is born, when your husband has visits? It seems so overwhelming!

My DP’s dad did the same. He never told his wife or my DP about the other child until DP was 22. It’s so messed up!

My children don't know yet. They are 9 and 6 and tbf I have no fucking idea where to even begin to tell them. My eldest is so emotional at the best of times I am so scared this will break her, either way she's going to be affected by this and adding a half sibling into the mix will just be so hard to watch.