Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

You don't have to decide anything now op.
See how the pregnancy goes?
If the baby is born then demand a paternity test.
Keep going to counselling for yourself.
You can take this decision later on.
So sorry this has happened.

How would he feel, if when he came back after 3 months you were up the duff with another mans baby? Hmm.

I can see how angry you are getting OP and quite rightly so. This is one of the saddest posts I read for a while. I can see you are trying so hard to deal with someone else's fuck up. It really feels so unfair on everyone involved. A step back will be good for you. Your husband has to deal with his consequences himself. Its raw, it hurts and you are doing your best to protect your children. How is the relationship with you and your husband now? Perhaps if you get personal counselling the therapist might have some ideas of how to tell your children and what to expect, if they do react....which they might not.

A slightly similar thing happened in my extended family - except the family member wasn't married to the father, and they'd only been together a short while. No cheating at all, as the pregnancy had started before my family member even met the father.

It happened as a result of a very short, drunken fling - the girl realised she was pg, contacted him around the 12w mark and said she was "dealing with it" - except she didn't, and 6m later, she contacted him again to let him know the baby was born.

Hazy on the timeline from here, but somehow she also contacted his mother because he wanted a paternity test - said she could have been anyone's - but his mother said baby was the spit of him and accepted baby as his. Not sure if a paternity test was ever done (but baby really does look like him!)

Lots of other stuff went on, which eventuated with the father, his mother, the baby and the baby's mother moving in with my family member - who, by the way, deserves a medal for accepting that! - and then a few months later the baby's mother skipped off, leaving my family member "holding the baby", literally. Baby's mother has been back a couple of times but family member has now adopted the baby (and is still with baby's father) so it all worked out in the end - but it's a different start point and the baby's mother wasn't in any way trying to get back with baby's father, or making demands or anything.

I feel very sad for you that this woman has decided to make waves for you like this. Of course your husband is a cast iron idiot for getting into this mess - but I WOULD suggest he demands a paternity test, just in case she's running a scam!
If the baby IS his, it's going to make life difficult if the woman insists on you having no contact - but it will mean that he only sees the baby at supervised contact (I STRONGLY recommend this) because if he just starts going to her house to see baby, it could get even more tricky - she could start messing with your head and saying they're still sleeping together, or anything, which could destroy whatever shreds of trust you have left in him. So supervised contact only, that's if he wants to still see the baby (which I gather he does).

Late to this but what do you mean by accept ? I may have this wrong but the baby is nearly here, is that right ? Or is she a few weeks/months off ?. Either way this baby is coming and it is your children's half sibling. They have a right to know and a right to contact. The only part of it you can really control is whether you stay in a relationship with DP.

Personally I would if it was my DH, but I love babies and don't mind being a bit unconventional.

I guess your H will have to alter his will to include the new baby. I agree a solicitor visit will be important with the aim of ensuring your security no matter what.

‘ She is a random girl never known to him or me before.’

Then how does she have the information (e.g. phone numbers, email addresses etc) after just 3 dates & a couple of shags to directly contact his mother & family?

Either she’s a good sleuth on FB etc &/or he has known her in a less than random way.

If she is actually having a baby that is his , can't he just pay support but not have any actual contact with the child? That would be the easy way to save his marriage .

He may not be the father?

@UniversalAunt

‘ She is a random girl never known to him or me before.’

Then how does she have the information (e.g. phone numbers, email addresses etc) after just 3 dates & a couple of shags to directly contact his mother & family?

Either she’s a good sleuth on FB etc &/or he has known her in a less than random way.

I already mentioned she found his family on fb she didn't have any real contact information for them only social media she Facebook messaged his family.

What a tough situation for you, OP. she does sound really unstable.
I agree with the suggestion of paternity test.

@Iwonder08

How so many women here call that woman expecting the child a victim or defend her? I am not arguing it is her decision what to do with the child, but she is behaving like a psychopath. She got pregnant after 3 dates with a man. He told her he is married and reconciling with his wife. What she decided to do? Of course, she went to his family members who she never met, quite early in pregnancy if I understand correctly and pestered them online. This is all after 3 dates. And yes, the insistance on having a child with a man who doesn't want it, who she hardly knows is selfish. I am not saying she should have necessary considered the impact on the wife and the existing children, but it is a factor. Even if he lied to her on these 3 dates that he is free and there is no wife it doesn't matter. She knew full well he is married and is not going to be with her very early on as he got back to his wife and she started stalking his relatives online. OP obviously doesn't say, but there are only 3 explanations for this behaviour : 1) she is mentally unwell 2) she is getting older and very desperate to have a child with anyone and got pregnant deliberately 3)OP's husband is very rich and she is after money Anyway, OP, best of luck. And patience. If it was me I would wait until the baby is born, DNA testing is done and then assess how I feel.

So what if she did want children? She’s 31, times a ticking. She may not have minded if she got pregnant but I think it’s unfair to say she got pregnant deliberately because even without a condom, conception is a lottery. How many couples try for months to get pregnant.

Also I think aborting at 31 with your first child is actually a very different proposition to getting one in your 20’s with plenty of time ahead or when you already have children.
However that doesn’t stop her feeling used and shit scared. She let everyone know because it’s the only thing she had to take some control over the situation. She has very little if that now Op’s DH is back with his family. She didn’t want to be a dirty secret which is fair enough.
I’m sure in time the woman will move on and find someone new but I think cut her done slack.

I think you can probably get over this Op. It’s humiliating walking away too so pick which one you’ll feel less angered by in 5 years. Which will sit better with you ; a divorce or a half sibling.

@babyyodaxmas

Late to this but what do you mean by accept ? I may have this wrong but the baby is nearly here, is that right ? Or is she a few weeks/months off ?. Either way this baby is coming and it is your children's half sibling. They have a right to know and a right to contact. The only part of it you can really control is whether you stay in a relationship with DP.

Personally I would if it was my DH, but I love babies and don't mind being a bit unconventional.

Not here yet. Of course we will tell the children but I will not be the one responsible for facilitating the contact between the dc that is not my job to do that is his job.

I’m sorry to read your update about your 9 yo being emotionally fragile. Can you get a child psychologist involved in the family? I don’t agree with some advising you not to tell the children until they are adults. We used to do this with adoptees and now recognise the fall out: The younger children are told, the easier they accept their reality. Obviously you need a dna test first. I really hope for all your sakes this isn’t his.

Are you also feeling emotionally fragile like your dd right now? Don’t forget yourself either if you also need some support - oxygen mask and all that.

What an awful scenario to be involved in.

It is difficult all round. One thing for certain is make sure your husband does not put his name down on the birth certificate before he gets the dna results back.

If it’s true that he wore a condom, then the child is not his or the condom was tampered with, so I would want to be 100% certain that the child was his.

Such difficult times ahead, which I hope can be resolved amicably.

I’m late to this too, but I completely agree with @hakunamatata. I don’t think your husband has cheated, he has been transparent. I would keep things as legal/formal as possible. I think a paternity test is needed. I’m wondering if contact could somehow be through a mediator - I don’t think she should be making contact with his family members, or with you if she’s not behaving rationally.

@Iwonder08

How so many women here call that woman expecting the child a victim or defend her? I am not arguing it is her decision what to do with the child, but she is behaving like a psychopath. She got pregnant after 3 dates with a man. He told her he is married and reconciling with his wife. What she decided to do? Of course, she went to his family members who she never met, quite early in pregnancy if I understand correctly and pestered them online. This is all after 3 dates. And yes, the insistance on having a child with a man who doesn't want it, who she hardly knows is selfish. I am not saying she should have necessary considered the impact on the wife and the existing children, but it is a factor. Even if he lied to her on these 3 dates that he is free and there is no wife it doesn't matter. She knew full well he is married and is not going to be with her very early on as he got back to his wife and she started stalking his relatives online. OP obviously doesn't say, but there are only 3 explanations for this behaviour : 1) she is mentally unwell 2) she is getting older and very desperate to have a child with anyone and got pregnant deliberately 3)OP's husband is very rich and she is after money Anyway, OP, best of luck. And patience. If it was me I would wait until the baby is born, DNA testing is done and then assess how I feel.

We only have the OPs husbands word on that. We dont actually know the truth. I dont believe it was just that long and he probably didn't tell her he was 'married but on a break '. No he probably told her what anyone wants to hear when they think they are in a relationship. So for almost 3 months she probably thought she was in a relationship and mayberry had the future painted out for her by her partner. And then when OP reconciled had it all pulled away

I'm sorry I dont believe what he told the OP it wouldn't explain her behaviour.

Please make sure that he demands a DNA test op. I wonder how your DH would feel if you slept with someone else while you were on a break. Would he be as forgiving.

I wish you all the best.

@Namechangeforthisone83 our posts have crossed about FB.

It sounds like she is clutching at straws by appealing out of the blue to his family, but if she is still at home at 31 then this approach will prolly make sense to her.

A paternity test is an absolute requirement. Your OH is not really in a position to wait until the baby arrives to determine how arrangements will be made, as he has immediate responsibilities to his children with you, you & the future of his marriage with you.

Given the OW’s behaviours & comments so far, the future looks messy & intractable. The harsh reality is that for your marriage to continue he has no contact with the child until a far far later time when the child can act & speak for themselves independently. It is a given that if the paternity is proven that he contributes to the support of the child.

This may seem harsh & unfair on the child not to have their father in direct contact in the earlier years, but it seems not too likely that the relationship between the parents will not be cordial or straightforward.

If there is contact between your OH & the child, then it needs to be somewhere neutral.

OP, this is your life, you get to decide & assert how your part is played. If you cannot get past various aspects of this situation, then that is how it is.

Your OH has to make some tough decisions about his life, & in full knowledge that he cannot have it all. He has responsibilities to other people & he cannot leave matters to see how it turns out as things go along.

No interaction until paternity test is complete.
If proven, financial paternal support formally negotiated & a clear cut regular support agreement made - no meeting to hand over the monies, no variation in payments.

This happened to my SIL. DBIL had a one night stand. He was in denial for a long time, but took on his responsibility, sees his daughter every week and pays maintenance. His DD’s mother wouldn’t let their daughter go to his house for years, as she didn’t want her to have anything to do with DSIL, so he used to see his DD every week at his parents’ house. Things have been better since his DD hit her teens - she gets on well with DSIL, and loves going over there because they have horses and dogs. Her mother’s still not happy about it though.

God, I just don’t get why the op poses an issue ans people get bogged down in is it cheating or not. They were split, he met someone else. It didn’t work out, him and the op got back together, a pregnancy occured. Whether it was technically cheating or not is frankly irrelevant.

Op. Personally I’d struggle with it, but the reality is he will be in the child’s life, he needs to be, he is as much that child’s father as he is to your own kids and this child will be their step sibling. So he needs to find the words to tell them, and to make it as positive as possible

“When your mum and I split I met someone else. We had a brief relationship and it didn’t work out, however she is pregnant and the baby is mine, I love you both very much and excitingly you will have a new step sibling, the baby will not live with us, but I will make sure you get to meet them at the right time, it does not impact how I will parent you or how much I love you both, do you have any questions” kind of thing.

As for your relationship, the child is going to be there whether you are with him or not, your kids will have a relationship with them. That’s a done deal. It’s up to you where you want to be when this occurs.

How do you feel about the financial obligations that your husband will have as well as the emotional ones? It sounds like this woman is going to be really really difficult going forward if all that you know is true, so you both need to agree on how you want to deal with visitation / access. I think its reasonable that mothers shouldnt be seperated from new borns , are you going to be happy for your husband to visit her at home in the early days. Going forward, he will need to bring the child to your home to begin to have any meaningful relationship with half siblings . I think it may be wise to involve a mediator at some point.

Firstly at least he appears to be stepping up as a father to this child. I wouldn't even be considering a future if he was talking about abandoning this child.

This is going to have an impact but there is no rush on you. The baby will be a baby for a year so you won't necessarily need to be involved. Take time to see how you feel when the baby arrives. If your husband is genuine he will give you all the time you need. If you still chose to end it, there is no fault there. You've been through a tough time and no one will blame you. Incidentally if you chose to stay in the marriage that is your decision only.

Thinking of you OP
I hope you are ok

I absolutely feel for you! What a mess. This is my personal opinion and will get flamed for this but if it was me, I could only stay if he no involvement with the child (except financial) it's the only way I can see where your family life and relationship have a chance. If he's involved it will be an entirely separate part of his life and I don't think I could cope with that. My first thought was wow is he going to be at the hospital? Will he see the child at her home? I just couldn't cope with that scenario. But I realise that's me and not you! Hope you are ok thinking of you!