Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

My heart is telling me that I should stay and work on my marriage we have built so much together our home our children our careers. But my head is telling me that I need to step back and really think about what this actually means for me and my children. I feel like I'm not constantly in a heart head tug of war.

I love my husband so much but at the same time I know there is a part of me that wonders of we should just separate as I really am starting to doubt my ability to process this as it gets closer.

I honestly don't feel like she went about this the right way and probably put a bad impression on it from the start anf continually so that doesn't help at all either.

I'd leave OP 🌺

OP, I have been through similar and if you want to PM me I am happy to talk to you.

@Namechangeforthisone83

My heart is telling me that I should stay and work on my marriage we have built so much together our home our children our careers. But my head is telling me that I need to step back and really think about what this actually means for me and my children. I feel like I'm not constantly in a heart head tug of war.

I love my husband so much but at the same time I know there is a part of me that wonders of we should just separate as I really am starting to doubt my ability to process this as it gets closer.

I honestly don't feel like she went about this the right way and probably put a bad impression on it from the start anf continually so that doesn't help at all either.

Give it time OP. You have strong reasons to stay. There is no point in jumping now.

Like everyone else I wouldn't be sticking around either, this is going to take its toll on your relationship big time and will very likely end up ending it anyways, the lifestyle/dramas/hassle this will bring on you and your children will be huge, I could understand you taking him back if he had just simply slept with someone else but to then have a child with said person, no way, he's screwed up beyond forgiveness there, I would move on and try find someone else, I know easier said than done, but will be a whole lot better than the future lifestyle and living arrangements you are going to have to put up with

I think you put too much blame on the ow, I think it makes it easier to think of her as deranged and having trapped your dh. It paints him as a victim, which is far easier to deal with.

She’s perfectly within her rights as a soon to be parent to try to forge a relationship with her baby’s grandparents.
Could Your dh have been trusted to tell his family in a timely fashion that have a new grandchild?

Op you need to really think about what you do. Can you imagine EOW assess? The child staying over ( she may well say no over nights now) but things change, parents get tired and need a break.

Can you picture the child in you home? Christmas? Your in laws taking about their 3 grandchild.

How does the resent that this will cause not eat away at your love for dh and your marriage?

The confusion that your children will feel.

Your dh isn’t a catch. You deserve more.

@Freddiefox

I think you put too much blame on the ow, I think it makes it easier to think of her as deranged and having trapped your dh. It paints him as a victim, which is far easier to deal with.

She’s perfectly within her rights as a soon to be parent to try to forge a relationship with her baby’s grandparents.
Could Your dh have been trusted to tell his family in a timely fashion that have a new grandchild?

Op you need to really think about what you do. Can you imagine EOW assess? The child staying over ( she may well say no over nights now) but things change, parents get tired and need a break.

Can you picture the child in you home? Christmas? Your in laws taking about their 3 grandchild.

How does the resent that this will cause not eat away at your love for dh and your marriage?

The confusion that your children will feel.

Your dh isn’t a catch. You deserve more.

Can you picture the child in you home? Christmas? Your in laws taking about their 3 grandchild.

This will probably happen regardless.
This child is half a sibling and grand child.

OP re - Could you accept a 'love child?'

I have not read all the posts. But I wanted to comment.

Yes, I believe I could accept a love child. I'd want my kids to know their half sibling etc.

The decision of whether to stay with my husband after this would really rest for me if I wanted to stay married to him. If not, I would not see it as me breaking up the family, I would see it as us as a couple breaking up and do my best to facilitate the relationship with DH and the kids.

If I felt I could get over the issues and move forward, I would.

I hope no one will think it their business to judge you for leaving or for staying.

Best of luck, I will try and read more of your thread tomorrow but I wanted to answer your original questions.

OP,
It really does sound as if you love him.

I would caution you to be careful and protect yourself and your children.

Your husband has brought one hell of a shit show to your doorstep and if you acquiesce too quickly you could be expected to move on and get over it very quickly.

This is likely to bring huge grief and stress to your home.

Your marriage was under strain which can happpen but he was very very quick to shag someone and I would be very suspicious of a man who did that and then claimed he was desperate to make the marriage work.

He clearly had zero difficulty in putting his marriage aside for his fling.

The woman sounds very insistent that she stick her oar into your family life.

I'd love to know exactly what line he fed her during his fling.

I really wouldn't trust him at all.

Protect yourself and your children.
He ditched ye all very quickly.

No reason to think he wouldn't again.

I don't even know what to say. I'd hate to be in the position. I don't think I could accept it to be honest.

Have you thought about what you're going to tell the children and how you're going to handle it when other people find out?

I think the kids should know as early as possible because it's only right that they know about their sibling and of course you won't be able to tell them to keep it secret because that's not right either.

I do think the OW is a victim too though. A victim of a selfish man who dumped his sperm into her for a bit of fun while taking a break from his marriage and then thought he could stroll back into that marriage with no consequences, leaving both his wife and his drive-by shag permanently damaged.

I can't speak for the op but from what I have read, I think she will give her marriage a chance and so will her husband. They'll work something out fairly regarding his other child. Nobody knows what will happen in the future but they may be OK in a few years, or maybe not - nobody has a crystal ball. The other woman will probably meet someone and marry in time. Time heals!

Somebody earlier, name beginning with H, gave what I thought was some very wise advice.

It's difficult for all of us because we do not know the op, her husband and children or the woman with whom he had the brief liaison. We're all human beings and make mistakes. It's unfortunate that an innocent child is the result of his mistake but as long as he/she is cared for, life won't be too bad for them.

I mentioned earlier that I knew two couples who were in the same situation. They managed to weather the storm, one couple are still together after forty years of marriage, their children were told they had a half sibling (conceived during a break), when they were about 11 and 12 and they get together regularly. The half sibling's mother married someone and all animosity is long gone.

The other couple broke up some 25 years after the baby was born but it wasn't because of that, they had grown apart and the wife remarried fairly quickly. They had two children who knew nothing about their half sister (whom 'dad' had always supported and saw regularly), until they were grown up so it was a bit of a shock but they became friends.

Very little in life is insurmountable or unforgivable.

I wish the op every success and happiness in the future.

I don't think I could accept this. The child is going to be in your life forever - no doubt your DH will be heading off to sit with her when she gives birth, spending time with her and the child , doing all the things that parents do when a child is born.

And for years to come, he'll be paying maintenance for the child, making plans with her regarding him/ her. And you'll be at home with "your" children. It all sounds grim to me.

I couldn't do it.

@HeddaGarbled

I do think the OW is a victim too though. A victim of a selfish man who dumped his sperm into her for a bit of fun while taking a break from his marriage and then thought he could stroll back into that marriage with no consequences, leaving both his wife and his drive-by shag permanently damaged.

You have 2 choices

• continue in your marriage and accept the child and any resulting drama
• leave

If you are going to go with the first then frankly, you need counselling both separately and together. You need to be on the same page and you need to be sure you are working towards the same thing. I wouldn’t accept any less - he needs to commit to your marriage. Joint counselling will support decision making and if it is the case you decide to walk away, you will both be able to do it more appreciation and understanding of what happened and why. Don’t make this easy for him. He needs to work at it.

Under the circumstances as you described and if I loved my man enough to give my marriage another chance then yes I could. BUT he’d have to understand that the child is totally his responsibility and altho I wouldn't make it difficult for him , I would have no intention of being involved myself , in any way , and I would fully expect him to see our family as his priority.

I couldn’t do it. But I am one of those people who struggles to forget and forgive. I just cling onto the bad stuff (when it’s serious things like cheating) and can’t let it go.

You’re a much better person than I am for even considering it. No advice here as if in the same situation, I’d probably have a go at him every day for it, but just remember it’s your decision. Don’t let anyone guilt you for leaving or staying. Decide what you want to do and try to forget everyone else’s opinion.

Remember, everyone has ugly shit going on in their own lives. There will be a lot “worse” people are hiding. Fuck them if they want to make little comments. Their opinions don’t matter and your value as a person doesn’t change.

I was in the same position but I threw him out. I was not prepared to be in that kind of relationship.
Just be prepared for the games she might play. My ex's OW played them very well and she ended up with a criminal record and a restraining order.

@LizFlowers

I can't speak for the op but from what I have read, I think she will give her marriage a chance and so will her husband. They'll work something out fairly regarding his other child. Nobody knows what will happen in the future but they may be OK in a few years, or maybe not - nobody has a crystal ball. The other woman will probably meet someone and marry in time. Time heals!

Somebody earlier, name beginning with H, gave what I thought was some very wise advice.

It's difficult for all of us because we do not know the op, her husband and children or the woman with whom he had the brief liaison. We're all human beings and make mistakes. It's unfortunate that an innocent child is the result of his mistake but as long as he/she is cared for, life won't be too bad for them.

I mentioned earlier that I knew two couples who were in the same situation. They managed to weather the storm, one couple are still together after forty years of marriage, their children were told they had a half sibling (conceived during a break), when they were about 11 and 12 and they get together regularly. The half sibling's mother married someone and all animosity is long gone.

The other couple broke up some 25 years after the baby was born but it wasn't because of that, they had grown apart and the wife remarried fairly quickly. They had two children who knew nothing about their half sister (whom 'dad' had always supported and saw regularly), until they were grown up so it was a bit of a shock but they became friends.

Very little in life is insurmountable or unforgivable.

I wish the op every success and happiness in the future.

@LizFlowers Sounds like the second couple you mentioned took the easy way out by not telling their children. They were lucky to have a good outcome in the end.

I found out I had a half sister when she contacted me through social media. She had always known about me and had always wanted our dad to tell us! It was actually a bizarre situation because she was older than me and it was from a previous relationship so there was no need to lie at all....but it wasn't possible to have a good relationship with her when we met because she clearly had suffered a lot of trauma in her life due to the situation and kind of took it out on me!! I never had a good relationship with my dad but had zero respect for him after that!

They was not in a relationship she was never his gf ever. They had 3 dates and slept together twice.
That's what you need to focus on. It wasn't a relationship. Don't allow yourself to get involved in any mind games.

This baby will be a half sibling to your children.
The OW doesn't get to dictate whether or not you are present at any visits (which wouldn't take place for a while in any case). Your DH does need to get a paternity test.
She may well meet someone else eventually, but if the paternity test proves positive your DH will always be the biological father and he's right to step up.

Completely agree with all of @billy1966 post op. Your marriage was in trouble and you took a break to try to see what you both wanted and he was out shagging almost straight away

No.
No chance.
It would be over.

They always do this when they're on a break. Straight off out to find another hole to stick it in.

He can go off now back to her and they can raise their child.
Walk away.

@BeTheHokeyMan

Completely agree with all of *@billy1966* post op. Your marriage was in trouble and you took a break to try to see what you both wanted and he was out shagging almost straight away

I have to agree with this ... sorry 🌺

@HeddaGarbled

I do think the OW is a victim too though. A victim of a selfish man who dumped his sperm into her for a bit of fun while taking a break from his marriage and then thought he could stroll back into that marriage with no consequences, leaving both his wife and his drive-by shag permanently damaged.

This.

You might call it "three dates and sex twice" but she obviously thinks it was a serious relationship. What did he say / do to make her think it was serious , to make her want to have his baby ? I think he is telling you what he wants you to hear, minimising what went on between them. Run for the hills.